A/N: This is a collection of short stories. Chapters are not in order and can jump forward or backward in the timeline. Each chapter is told in diary entires from Max's point of view. As a result, words are capitalized instead of italicized and the language and format are more casual and informal.
This alternate timeline is based on Chapters 7-9 of my story Playing Angel but you may read Blue Hour Vignettes without having read Playing Angel. You can check out Playing Angel from my profile.
Valentine's Day
Fed up with being teased for her sexual inexperience, Max agrees to lose her virginity to her best friend, Nate.
February 11, 2014
It's the week of Valentine's Day and Blackwell is swarming with horny teenager energy. EHGK. After class today, Vic and I hung out in her dorm room with Dana, who told us all about how she lost her v-card to Trevor on Valentine's Day last year. Then Vic shared her story and how she lost it at her parents' art gallery to some up-and-coming teen artist. Of course Vic wouldn't settle for less, even with something like that. But then they asked me. And well…
I don't get why I'm THIS bothered by it, but I can't get what Vic said out of my head. The way she said "oh" when she found out I'm still a virgin keeps ringing in my brain. It's not like she's making fun of me, she isn't. It's just… I don't know. I feel out of the loop. I'm basically the only member of the Vortex Club who's still a virgin and because of that, they treat me like I'm some innocent angel. It's all in good fun, I guess, but I don't exactly like it.
The rebel in me wants to be taken seriously. I want to be in on the sex jokes. I don't want to be the one whose ears are covered by Hayden whenever Zachary tells one too raunchy. Another part of me is just sick of the misogyny and being put on some pedestal because I haven't had a penis in me, as if that dictates my value in some screwed up way.
But it's not like I have a boyfriend or anything and I don't really know if I'm comfortable hooking up with some stranger…
Guess I'll just keep being Innocent Virgin Maxine.
February 12
Looks can really be deceiving. I thought for sure I was the only one left in the Vortex who hasn't done the "devil's tango" yet. But as turns out, neither has Nate. I KNOW. I was completely caught off guard when he said so.
We were chilling out on the grass in front of Blackwell. I had my back against a tall pine tree, Nate's head resting comfortably on my lap. We were taking a break from Calc homework and talking about whatever when he noticed I'd been spacing out. He asked what was up and I hesitated a little but I still ended up telling him because… well, it's Nate. He's my best friend. So even if I was all bright red and burning up, I knew I could tell him and not be afraid of what he'll think or say.
He said it wasn't a big deal, and at first I thought he was just saying that to make me feel better but then he surprised me when he said, he hasn't done it either. In fact, I remember specifically asking maybe a little too loud, "wait are you serious?" Then I realized I was passing the same judgment that I felt about this on to Nate so I backtracked and apologized, clarified that I was just surprised.
I mean, who wouldn't be? This is Nate. King of the Vortex—nay, Blackwell and heir to the throne of Arcadia Bay. He's got actual girls lined up for him and yet… none of them made it to his bed? He said he's done STUFF at the very least though, which is still WAY more than I've ever done.
Now I can't exactly remember whose idea this was, but I do know this isn't a new thing. I've heard about other people choosing to lose their virginity to their best friend. They say it's better than losing it to someone you'll eventually regret ever crossing paths with. Someone who'd make you feel used—like it meant absolutely nothing. This way, when I look back on this years into the future, I wouldn't feel like absolute shit and cringe with every bone in my body. Maybe this way, I'd feel content instead and be able to look back on it and genuinely feel like it was a pretty pleasant experience.
I don't have to lose my virginity to "THE ONE". Whoever the fuck that is. I don't think that most people even actually do. I want to do this on MY terms, with someone I trust and won't treat it like a trophy to be won. With all these facts, wouldn't losing it to your best friend actually be the better choice? Dare I say, the BEST choice?
So… we agreed. Me and Nate. Tomorrow night, the night BEFORE Valentine's as an F U to how hilariously cliche it would be to do it on that day. But if I'm being honest, I think we're just trying to reinforce how un-romantic this is supposed to be. We're just best friends who vowed to have sex for the first time with each other. No biggie. Easy peasy lemon squeezy… right?
February 13
Nate and I laid down some ground rules for tonight.
1. He'll bring the condom and the lube (his penis, his responsibility)
2. Good hygiene (gotta shower, shave, and take extra care of ourselves)
3. My room (he wanted me to be more comfortable)
4. No music (because then we'd attach this whole thing to that one song)
5. Lights off (so we see each other less and not make it awkward maybe)
We don't meet until tonight at 9 but I can't get my mind to stop thinking about it. Nate seems to be doing fine. He was even my lab partner at science class today and he acted 100% normal, like we didn't just make this scandalous plan that the Blackwell rumor mill will would just eat right up. Gosh, what would I do if it somehow got out? They would either think Nate and I are hooking up like fuck buddies, or that we're dating. My reputation as the last "pure" member of the Vortex would shatter into pieces. But isn't that what I wanted?
Well, not really. I kind of just want the "innocent virgin" jokes off my back, but I don't want to replace that reputation with a potentially equally bad one. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind if everyone else in Blackwell were to start to casually have sex with each other, but there are a few out there who… frown upon that, and I hate to admit that I care what they think but I think I do.
I know it isn't exactly a good sign that I'm overthinking this and having second thoughts about my purpose with going through this, but I think I need to remind myself that this is for Future Me first and foremost. Nathan Prescott is one of the most amazing guys I've met in my life, and I'm so lucky I get to call him my best friend. He's thoughtful, funny, charming, and not to mention CRAZY talented. I have no doubts I've got a friend for life in him.
And I know Nate. If we could REALLY choose who we lose our virginity to, he's got to be like the textbook perfect candidate. I have no doubts he'll take very good care of me, respect my boundaries, and still continue to cherish our friendship no matter what happens tonight.
But it's a little past 7p.m. now so I think I need to start getting ready. I need to be extra squeaky clean tonight, shave down there, tidy up my mess of a room… should I light some candles too? They smell pretty and that might help calm us if we get nervous. Nate will probably be a few minutes late because that's just who he is, but I want to be ready on time so I don't fumble in case he decides to be unfashionably early this one time.
It'll be fine. No. It'll be GREAT.
February 13 February 14
It's 12:41a.m. and Nate just left my room. It was… something. Not the sex. I swear, we wanted it both. We wanted it to happen. Let me recall everything that went down as much as I could… I have this feeling I'd want to go back to this someday, so just in case.
I set up the mood candle lights like I said I would. Nate noticed the scent as soon as he walked in too. I was sitting on the edge of my bed in my black dress. I didn't know what I was supposed to wear, especially when it was just gonna be taken off anyway. I thought maybe a dress would make it easier. Nate was wearing his fave red jacket, jeans, but a black band shirt instead of his layers. He stopped off to buy the condoms and lube before coming. He had them in a small paper bag.
I asked him if the candles were okay and he said he liked them, that they smelled nice. Then he set the bag on my couch and took his jacket off and this is where I specifically remember starting to get REALLY FUCKING NERVOUS. Before I knew it, Nate was asking me if I was okay and if I was sure I wanted to go through with this. I told him yes, it's just that I'm nervous.
Then he had the audacity to crack up and say, "you? Nervous? Well, what's new about that?" So I fired back with, "of course you're still a cocky son of a bitch." But then he owned me with, "oh I'm COCKY alright." The asshole laughed harder, but I did too. It helped me ease up and remember that this is MY BEST FRIEND, NATE. This is the piece of shit that has these sarcastic banters with me but can do a 180 and is suddenly sweet and thoughtful when he needs to be. It'd be fine, I thought.
Things just kinda started happening after that. It was like we froze mid laughter and our smile faded slowly until there was just… heat. Nate got up and took his shirt off first and I remember staring a little bit but I didn't know if it was just the dim lighting in my room shading his bare chest like that. He chuckled because he knew I was staring. This is how Nate always is. But if I worked that hard on my body, I'd probably be too. But I just rolled my eyes and pulled my own dress up like a power move to show him I'm not backing down. Then Nate smiled, but it wasn't a smirk. It was a smile. It was soft. He walked closer to me and then he did something that made me nervous and hyperaware of how I was standing in front of him in nothing but my underwear. Nate ran his fingers through strands of my hair right next to my cheek, and then he tucked them behind my ear. "You're beautiful, Max." He said, low and breathy. His hand hovered before my cheek, and he asked if he could touch me there. I nodded, and he put his hand on my cheek, rubbing his thumb gently against it.
Then his hands hovered before my shoulders. "Here?" He asked and I nod again. Nate's hands were warm. His gaze was so intense. For whatever reason, I just decided to focus on his eyes. They've always been my favorite part of him. They were just so blue. I know mine are too, but it's different looking at them on another person. It was familiar, so I felt safe. Then I heard Nate say, "and here?" I saw his hands hovered before my waist now, and I smiled and whispered yes.
I started to feel warm too cause being held like this felt so… intimate. I wondered if I should touch him too, but it was like I couldn't move. Nate removed one of his hands off my waist and titled my chin up with his fingers. His thumb grazed my lip, lightly tugging on and when it left, my lips stayed parted. My eyes wandered to his lips. Nate's lips. I hadn't really noticed how enticing they looked until that moment. But then Nate's hand on my waist slid upward, stopping halfway through my back, exactly where the clasp of my bra would be. I remember inhaling a sharp breath because the thought of someone other than myself taking it off made me feel nervous… among other things.
Nate started leaning in and while he got closer and closer, I was aware of his fingers fumbling with my bra clasp. I remember closing my eyes. I remember parting my lips in anticipation. But I felt no lips. Just… warm air. A breath. I opened my eyes then, and Nate was so so so close. I looked up into his eyes and it was like I saw uncertainty in them. His eyebrows were knitted like he was thinking deeply, and it… confused me. So I asked, softly because he was so near me it scared me to speak too loud, "something wrong?"
He was silent at first. Maybe for a good minute. It was so long I started feeling unsure too. I lowered my head and increased the space between us. Nate sighed. "Sorry," he said. I asked why. I asked if it was something I did. He quickly said no, but then he hesitated to say whatever it was so then I said, "we don't have to do this." He replied, "it's not what you think", and I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. He went on, "I DO want to do this, I do, but…" Then, he whispered. And this is what's been bothering me since he left because it's so vague but it made me so nervous I didn't think to ask. I don't even think he thought I heard. It was just so quiet, so low. Honestly, if it wasn't so still silent that night, I probably wouldn't have caught it. But I did.
Nate said, "not like this."
Now I'm wondering what that could have meant. Was it just that he didn't like the atmosphere, the setting, or whatever? Was he just suddenly not in the mood to do anything that night? Did he just change his mind about choosing me for this? Maybe that was it. 'Not like this' as in 'not losing it to me'. Maybe he realized he didn't want to risk our friendship like that. We couldn't really know how it would change things for us unless we went through with it. It's one of those things you can't just predict. We can swear nothing will change as much as we could, but it's different when it happens and we can't stop whatever we start feeling. Wait… could Nate be… No. No way. We're best friends. That's just why and I'm overthinking this.
The rest of the night went well anyway. Nate handed me his jacket to cover up and I accepted it because I love stealing it from him when I could. He usually hates it when I do, but I'm not going to complain if he's willingly handing it to me for once. We wrapped ourselves up in my blankets and decided to catch up on the new How To Get Away with Murder. It was nice. We didn't end up with what we planned, but I'm not disappointed or anything. I think deep down I was unsure too, and I'm frankly relieved Nate decided we should probably not go through with this. He stayed for at least 2 hours after that. We were both yawning halfway through the third episode so we decided we should both head to bed after that one.
Seconds after I let Nate out of my room, I called out for him again because he forgot the, uh, bag he came with. I held the bag up for him. I remember laughing because it was so like him to absentmindedly forget stuff. But then Nate's eyes went wide and he just stared for a little bit and he wouldn't say anything when I asked what was up so I started feeling self-conscious. Then I realized it wasn't dim on the hallway and I was standing on my doorway wearing nothing but his unbuttoned jacket over my underwear. I quickly pulled on one side with my free hand to cover my front and I'm thankful the jacket was kinda oversized for me so it went past my hips.
Nate cleared his throat and walked up to me then and I don't know why, but I swear at that moment it was like I got a flashback of him telling me I was beautiful earlier that same night. Nate takes the bag out of my hand but because of that, we were closer again and I don't know why or how or whatever but it was like we were… hypnotized or something. He was just too close. Or I was too close, I don't know. And I don't know who did what because my memory is fuzzy now but all I remember was that Nate and I kissed. It was fairly quick, but it was sweet and his lips felt soft and the kiss was so tender. It was over before both of us knew what we were even doing because I could see how surprised Nate was and I think so was I so I kinda panicked and said, "see you tomorrow?" It took Nate a second but he did nod and say, "yeah, of course. You just can give me my jacket then." Then there was this kinda awkward second where we don't look at each other and then he just turned and walked back to his room.
It's been almost an hour now but I can't get my mind off of it. It's like there's butterflies dancing in the spit of my stomach. No. It's like they're having a full-on rave in there and it makes me anxious because I don't know what this means. It's just a kiss. A peck, really. Friends peck, right? It's odd but it almost feels more… intimate… than if we had gone through with our plans in the first place. Yeah, we would have kissed then too but then it would be like… I don't know, routinely? An obligation? You can't just have sex and not kiss during it… right? Something about kissing without that NEED or obligation to just makes this so confusing.
It doesn't help that I'm still wearing his jacket and it smells so much like him. I should probably take it off so I can return it relatively cleaner than it would be if I had worn it all night but… fuck that, I WANT to wear it to sleep. It's warm, that's all. It doesn't mean anything else. Like that kiss didn't mean anything else. I have got to stop overthinking everything.
There's no complicated math equation to solve. It's just a fact. Nate and I are best friends. And we'll always be… right?
A/N: Please let me know what you thought about this! This is a bit experimental for me as I haven't written anything meant to resemble diary entires. It was challenging not being too descriptive and flowery in the writing style, but I think because the writing style is simpler, it would let me work on this relatively quickly. I do not plan to update this on the regular though. It's more of a "I'll write something if I'm inspired".
I kinda fell in love with the version of Nathan that I had written on the alternate timeline chapters in Playing Angel, so I thought about doing this. I've got a couple chapters planned already, but I am accepting prompts as well! You can drop them on my Tumblr ask box at .com.
