I'm no Jedi you say.
Again and again.
How many times have you said this…ten times? Twenty? A hundred?
Is it something you truly believe, child? Or do you feel forced to repeat it?
So as not to feel that pain?
You wanted to be a Jedi ever since Fate led him to find you. He saw light…overwhelming light and goodness within you. That light created a deep connection between you…a familial bond and you strove to prove yourself worthy of it. Of his friendship.
But then Fate took you down diverging paths and war consumed the galaxy. A war that chipped at your innocence, staining it further with loss and betrayal.
Your new master was hot-headed and reckless but still you persisted leading you both to change, to learn and grow.
And then came the day your friend went missing in action…you refused to believe he was dead, stretched out for him, for that bond and could not feel it but still you hoped…still you refused to give up. You would not leave him behind.
You could not lose your dearest friend…this Master Plo Koon. So you reached out further, pushing yourself beyond but trusting in that connection…in that friendship.
Then you felt it…the tiny sliver of your friend and you clutched it tight with both hands and let it guide you. Seeing him then, you breathed a sigh of relief. You had found him.
Your arms wrap tight around him.
You hadn't abandoned him.
But then War reared its ugly head once again and you two went your separate ways, each with your own mission.
I'm no Jedi.
Not yet, young padawan, but soon.
You were frightened…unsure of yourself, but you had to protect others…kids who were also frightened so you pushed it away, rose to the challenge using every bit of the training your master gave you and found you could lead. You found your confidence.
"You might not have made it as Obi-wan's apprentice, but you just might make it as mine."
Your old master's actions confused you, didn't they? He was passionate, reckless, he cared so strongly about others that he would disobey orders. He was strong and gentle, kind. He went against everything that you had learned…
So thats where you learned that.
Don't lose a thousand lives to save one…
But you created friendships anyway…fought to save all you could and still you mourned their losses.
I'm no Jedi.
You were framed, charged…put on trial. Your dearest friend looked at you in a different light and it tore at your faith. You were expelled. No one believed you except your master. He found the truth…
Then you were freed and you found you could no longer stay, your trust was shattered.
So you turned away from the beads in his hands. Turned away from him. You walked away from the temple and never looked back.
You kept your connection with the force though…continued to trust it and yourself. You became centered…wise and yet determined.
"I am one with the force and the force is with me." You chanted it, turned it into your mantra and still you persisted even when others whispered doubting words into your ear.
"I chose to leave the order."
"Motivated by the hypocrisy of the Jedi council." He sneered at you.
Every choice led to this moment…one of many still yet to come.
And as you think on his words, the glass shatters around you and then his true motivation is revealed and it shakes you but you refuse to believe him.
Your vision is flawed.
Red clashes against blue and yet you are calm, brimming with confidence.
He is desperate and angry. He rushes, pushes back with verocity and loses. He is captured.
But still his words leave a bitter taste in your mouth and a twisting feeling in your gut.
Then your path takes you back to your old master and you are unsure, your faith in yourself is all you have now.
Then the blue and white helmet falls and he's holding a gun in each hand and you are confused…hurt, but the shaking of his hands comforts you because it shows he's fighting it.
And you escape.
No soldier will die because of me.
Too many have died because of you…for would do it again and again. They trust you.
You fight and fight. You keep fighting until the day comes and your faith is truly shaken.
"I will have my vengeance and justice for my master."
"Vengeance is not the Jedi way."
"I am no Jedi."
The scar revealed through the fractured mask is all you see and it is enough.
You falter, his name a breathless question that you already know the answer to.
"Anakin?"
Then you are pulled from the wreckage of your faith…the torn tatters of your heart, knowing that your master, your brother was lost to his fears.
He had been consumed by the darkness.
He was no longer Anakin.
Darth Vader…a sith.
Maul had been right all along.
'You cannot save your master and I cannot save mine.'
I'm no Jedi.
You cannot be…you will not. Because if being a Jedi couldn't save him, couldn't save Master Plo Koon…how would it be able to save you?
You gave into your anger…your need for vengeance and you could no longer see yourself as that source of over-whelming light.
So you left it, the last shred of your past life, a glint of metal, glittering crystal and shattered faith.
You left it behind but still a small shred of something pushed you to rebuild it…
To take up new sabers and protect once again.
Then that day comes that you find out why…when you felt a shift…felt the whisper of over-whelming light pierce through the shadows haunting you and you reached out for it.
"Ahsoka Tano! Bo-Katan sent me!"
Then the light is right there in a familiar form and flickers of old memories resurface and it is…comforting. You smile.
Until the feelings of fear and anger surface…
'I've see what such feelings can do to a fully trained Jedi Master…'
Its then you recoil, flashes of a scarred red eye burn blazing bright in your mind.
"I will not start another down that same path."
"But you are a Jedi."
You bit your tongue though. You do not say it back. Why?
Have you finally realized what had been the truth all along?
You thought that not being a part of the order meant that you were not Jedi.
The Force is much more than an order or a council.
I'm no Jedi.
You are a Jedi.
You are the best of us.
"Well done, Snips."
