Well, this is the last chapter. Hope you all like this
Love is such a fickle thing. One of the emotions to easily confuse. What is love? Satoru has always questioned this. His father never showed him love, willing to sacrifice him for an inhuman being. His cousin shows him familial love, yet she's more of an older sister than a cousin. Love is a difficult emotion to come across, difficult to understand. If you were shown love, it's easy to detect but still hard to understand. If you were never shown love, it's like trying to learn a language you've heard once and never learning the alphabet or pronunciations.
Kanoichi Satoru is still learning to navigate the waters of this emotion. He's been shown familial love by his cousin, but feeling and showing romantic love is so strange and different. He doesn't know where to start, how to act, what to do. The worst thing is that Akane and Shimizu know. It's bad enough that they know he's in love, it's worse that they know with whom. He doubts that they would be able to give him any good advice on how to deal with it or how to woo Miyako.
This is how he ended up at the Chidoriga-fuchi park. The sound of water and the crinkling of leaves swaying in the wind help calm him and his mind. Hopefully, he can get an idea and not lose himself in the negatives of his mind. He probably doesn't like you that way. He doesn't have an attraction to guys and if he did, why would he choose you?
"Eh, Kanoichi-san?"
No! Why did it have to be him? Why now? He's trying to find a way to confess! Why did he have to arrive now? He glares up at the few stars that dot the inky black mass of a sky as if they're at fault for all of this.
Turning his head towards the voice, his heart stutters as he tries to form words that aren't I love you! for that would be horrifying. Those shining rubies are vibrant in the dark, the street lamp illuminating them so beautifully. Finally, he croaks out a small and an out-of-character, "Hello."
Miyako seems to take that as an invitation. He plops down beside him and gives him a sweet, honeyed smile. "Kanoichi-san, how are you?"
"I—I am okay," he responds after clearing his throat. This is so embarrassing. "How have you been?"
The tension isn't awkward, not like that day in the bookstore. In fact, Miyako looks calm, not nervous. He has a healthy flush on his face, his casual attire consisting of a beige, oversized, plaid cardigan over a white t-shirt; black jeans ripped at the knees; and wait, are those Doc Martens? He has such good taste in shoes! He looks so good too. How is his heart able to take this? Is he trying to kill me? "I'm well, thank you. I was worried. You ran out the other day and I haven't been able to get in touch." He looks up at the sky, so unaware of Satoru staring at him. He had been worried? Wow, great going, Satoru. "I don't know what Nana said to you, but I wish to apologize if he did or said something to make you uncomfortable." He turns his gaze to meet dark irises, so soft and apologetic. It makes his stomach flip and his heart squeeze.
"No!"
Miyako draws away with surprise, scrunching his eyebrows. "No?"
"I—" He clears his throat, looking away with a bashful expression. He mentally curses himself. "I mean, you don't have to apologize. He—he didn't say anything bad. I—I guess he just opened my eyes."
"Oh," he whispers. "I—no insults?"
"A little. But well-deserved."
He shakes his head, a sad whisper of "Kanoichi-san—"
"Miyako-san." He gives the younger man a look. He knows well that he deserved some of what had been said to him. Fortunately, the redhead quiets down. Turning away, he looks up at the sky. The light pollution in Chiyoda is a lot less than Shinjuku but there was still a lot of it. He can only see a couple of stars but the moon shines brightly behind clouds. He can make out the faint outlines of constellations, all of them being cut off. This was one of the few times he's able to see any stars.
Really, he makes a mistake. It is both his fault and the fault of that stupid cloud. He looks back towards Miyako.
The moon's silver radiance shines down on Miyako, creating a silver like halo around him.
When people see the ones they loved, they have these expressions as if their loved ones had hung the moon and stars or they are as bright as the sun but couldn't look away. No. Nanahira was wrong in this aspect. Satoru did not see him that way. Arata did not hang the moon and stars nor is he the sun that shines bright enough to burn. He was a nebula after a supernova, forming and being everywhere he could be as spreads across the vast space. He was the cosmos—order to his chaos, his universe. His eyes glowed with the brilliance of the red nebula. Arata is the space that held millions of mysteries and Satoru was the astronomer discovering each one. No, to him, Arata didn't hang the stars and moon nor is he the sun. He is what makes up the universe, born from the black holes to shine and bring light to his world. Arata isn't the world to him. No. Arata is the universe to him, a constant that is needed in his life.
And under the brilliance of moonlight, his red eyes glistening from the silver shine, Satoru loses all composure. He reaches forward, cupping Arata's nape and pulling the redhead closer to connect their lips together.
The awkward kiss doesn't go deeper nor last longer than a half second.
Satoru pulls back, his cheeks burning red as he looks away. Miyako is silent, his body stiff with tension. Neither speak a word for the longest of time. "I'm sorry," he apologizes when Miyako hadn't moved or spoke, fearing the worst.
"Kanoichi-san." Turning towards the redhead, Miyako wraps his arms around his shoulders and pulls him down. Their lips crash against each other, Satoru having to plant one hand down to keep from falling on top of him. For a moment, he knew exactly how the younger man felt, the reason why he froze and couldn't respond. He knew because he was feeling that exact way right then. His brain had short-circuited. Pushing through that, the exorcist reaches up to cup his cheek.
He reciprocates the kiss, pushing back against Miyako's lips but not deepening it. He doesn't need this to be awkward and the younger man doesn't push to deepen it.
Ending the kiss, Miyako presses their foreheads together, eyes half-lidded, and a pleased smile on his face. Neither move an inch, too into this fragile moment to ruin it with words.
Thinking a little more than he should, he tries to explain this moment to himself, to put this moment in honeyed words. He thinks back to some of the poetry books he's read. How are poets able to transcribe emotions into their works? How are writers able to find the right words to bring to life a scene? When all Satoru can think of is one word:
Perfect.
Perfect in the way Miyako doesn't have to speak when the twinkle in his eyes capture his fullest attention, perfect when his laugh and smiles make his heart race, perfect when he can take his breath away by just giving him such a look. Perfect in that they both have their flaws but are willing to care for each other in spite of them. Perfect that Miyako chose him, is kind to him, cares about him when he has no reason to. Perfect in this very scene that they are alone and they can want with no one to see, no one but scattered stars and the moon that peeks out from the clouds.
Although, he loathes to break this beautiful moment, he has to say something—to speak and make his words and emotions known. He does not want this to be a one night thing, to go back to their prior relationship dynamics.
"Mi—"
"Shh." His lips are curled upwards, rubbing his thumbs over his cheekbones (so tenderly similar to someone wiping away tears). How is this man able to be so gentle? How does Kanoichi Satoru (a man who does not understand love) deserve someone like Miyako Arata? "Kanoichi-san, please. May I speak first?"
Dumbly, he finds himself nodding.
"Good." He stands up, holding his hand out to the older man. "Let's walk. The night is too beautiful to sit and talk." He smiles gingerly as he helps Satoru to his feet. They start off their walk, following the winding paths of the park.
Satoru is staring dumbly after the redhead, barely registering the small fact that their hands are still linked. Neither speak despite Miyako having wanted to go first. He stays silent (heart pounding and growing nervous) so that Miyako can gather his thoughts. He doesn't want to interrupt, even if his heart is beating quickly with anticipation as the minutes go by in weighing silence.
"Kanoichi-san," he starts, finally breaking the silence and looking up at him. His lips are pulled upwards, eyes twinkling in the lights of the lamps. "I'm not going to beat around the bush any longer. I really like you." How? "I want to be with you in all the ways that matter. I don't know what you meant when you kissed me, but I figured it's best for you to know how I actually feel about you." He stops walking, turning to face Satoru. "I know what it's like to be asked out on dares and I have made the mistake of dating my fair share of assholes. I know that you're a grown adult, so I am not expecting that from you. But, and let me make this clear, if this turns out to be a complete joke and a waste of my time, you better believe that I will let an Another eat you. Trust me, I have my share of friends who are not above killing people on my behalf."
Oh, that's hot. Why do I find that hot? I should not be finding that hot.
"I do not want to be made into the butt of a joke and I will not let you make me a laughingstock."
Miyako sighs, running a hand down his face. He doesn't sound sad nor does he sound angry. He sounds expectant, disappointed (with Satoru? Himself? Both?). He's been through this before and he wants to cut to the chase. Something doesn't sit right. Satoru wants to find the people who did this to him and knock sense into them. How dare they? How can anyone do anything like that to a person? He doesn't understand. "Let this be known, I do not expect you to make fun of me like this. Because I want to believe that I know what kind of person you are and you are not the type to play with people's feelings." He smiles, a tired and tight smile. "I really like you. If that kiss meant nothing to you, tell me now. Don't make me find out months from now."
Satoru has the strongest urge to grab him by the waist and pull him into a kiss to prove it, to prove his feelings for the redhead.
He doesn't.
He understands that if he is to do that, that it might not come off the way he intends. Would the kiss be seen as nothing but a gesture of lust? Further pushing Miyako away? He is sure that the kiss would be misinterpreted and it's not a risk worth taking.
No. Instead, he takes Miyako's face into his hands and makes sure that he doesn't look at anything but Satoru. He can see him tensing up, feel his facial muscles twitch under his touch. He gives him a reassuring smile. His intention is not to scare Miyako, but put him at ease. "Miyako-san," he whispers, voice soft and light as a feather, "I promise you that this is not a mistake, nor is it a joke. I do not want to hurt you at all. I like you too." He does more than like him, but he doubts Miyako is ready to hear that.
"The kiss was a mistake." Upon seeing his shoulders droop and his gaze growing expectant, Satoru's heart squeezes and he quickly adds, "but not in the way you think!" The exorcist winces and lets go of Miyako to hide his face with one hand. "It was a mistake because I wanted to confess in a different way. One that would be worth tears of joy and seeing your radiant smile.
"I was actually trying to think of a way to confess when you arrived," he admits bashfully, fidgeting under his gaze. "I am sorry for how I did it and for making you doubt like this. That wasn't my intention. I've probably made myself into a giant fool, huh?"
Miyako's stare doesn't waver and it worries Satoru. Does he not believe him? Then, he laughs. He presses a hand to his mouth and continues laughing. "I—Oh, I'm sorry. I promise, I don't mean anything bad by laughing." He hugs his stomach with his other arm, turning away. "Kanoichi-san, I'm sorry but I will take you kissing me over a confession that'll bring me to 'joyful tears.' It's—that is just not a you thing to do." He snickers, his ruby gaze landing on him again. "I like you, I really do." Miyako reaches up and presses a hand to his cheek, giving him that fond expression from before. "I want to be with you. I want to date you."
Oh.
"Oh? Is that all you can muster?" he teases. I said that out loud? His thoughts are broken by Miyako brushing a lock of hair out of his face. Satoru flinches back when his fingers graze over the sensitive scar, sending chills down his spine. He bites his bottom lip as he leans away from Miyako's hand. "Ah, my bad. Does it hurt?"
He shakes his head. "It's a little sensitive." The area around it tends to be a little more painful than the actual scar itself. "But you mean it? You want to be with me?"
Miyako stretches, his lips pressing against his scar. "I do."
He can feel heat rise to his ears, throat closing in on him. "Oh."
The melodious laugh that tumbles over Miyako's lips is something that Satoru wants to hear more of. This—This is so much better than he's imagined it to be. "Ah, Kanoichi-san, we should expand that vocabulary of yours." He's teasing him, hiding his mouth behind the back of his hand, but he can't find himself to be annoyed.
"Satoru."
"Eh?"
"Please, call me 'Satoru,'" he clarifies.
"Well then, you can call me 'Arata,' Satoru-san."
Love is such a fickle thing. One of the emotions to easily confuse. What is love? Satoru has always questioned this. His father never showed him love, willing to sacrifice him for an inhuman being. His cousin shows him familial love, yet she's more of an older sister than a cousin. Love is a difficult emotion to come across, difficult to understand like trying to learn a language you've only heard once.
"Mm." He holds out his hand, taking Arata's hand into his and interlacing their fingers. "Arata, let's keep walking."
He does not claim to understand it, yet, here and now, hand-in-hand with Miyako Arata, Satoru is willing to learn what it means to love.
Whoo! Now, that's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed this small journey of Kanoichi going through the motions of learning what it means to love someone and that even if he believes to love them, he still has a lot to learn.
