(A/N) This is a birthday present for the amazing Cookies_With_Milk. They are such a wonderful friend. You can find them here on or on AO3 as Cookies_With_Milk.

This got slightly out of hand. They didn't really give me any requests or parameters. So this actually started out as a fluffy 5+1. That obviously didn't work out. I started writing a bunch of drabbles based on memes they have sent me over the years, and here we are. I should probably apologize, since I know they're not the hugest fan of crack (both definitions). Also this probably isn't as funny as I think it is.

Oh and one more thing. Here is a Morse code translator you may need.

"How can I show Steve that I want to be more than just friends?"

Natasha quirked her eyebrow at the infamous ex-assassin.

"You really are that hopeless at romance that you have to ask me?"

Bucky threw the other Russian a dirty look. "Trust me, I'd rather have advice from you than say, Tony."

The other assassin smirked, knowing exactly what Bucky meant.

"Fine. To start off, maybe try a little light flirting. Nothing too bold, nothing too oversexualized. And no innuendos, you know how oblivious he is."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Well, I'm sure Steve's patriotic ass wouldn't mind a good ol' fashioned heart-to-heart conversation."

"You know I hate those." Bucky's words were paired with a scowl and glare that would send most people running to their mothers. But of course, it didn't affect Natasha in the slightest.

Later, after a successful mission, the team settled around the living room to watch a movie. It was a stupid Hallmark rom-com, but hey, Natasha (who picked the movie) didn't hear anyone complaining.

It was when the end credits were rolling that Bucky decided it was time. As Steve stood up to stretch, Bucky stood with him. The ex-assassin swiftly grabbed his best friend and kissed him before anyone knew what happened.

When he stopped, the room was completely silent. Steve was blushing furiously, from both the kiss and the stares of the rest of his teammates. Yet he did have a small smile gracing his features.

"Barnes, that is not what I meant by a little light flirting."


Considering that Bucky was a terrible flirt, it was a wonder why Peter went to him and Sam for relationship advice.

"Uh, I was wondering, canyoutellmehowtoaskoutagirl?" Peter hurried out as fast as he could, blushing furiously.

"Slow down, Peter. What do you want?"

The teenager's blush burned redder and travelled down his neck.

"Can you tell me how to get a girl to like me? What can I do to impress her?"

Sam have him one of those sappy smiles he used all the time on patients. "Now Pete, if she doesn't like you for her you are, then she isn't worth it. It's what's underneath that matters."

"Yeah, it's what's underneath. Like abs. Come on, lemme go teach you how to bench press a car."


"Hey guys, so I just discovered something that has now added to my waist-deep trauma." Tony said, strolling into the kitchen. He joined Rhodey, Sam, and Steve at the counter.

"What happened this time?"

"So apparently, bisexuality runs in the family." Tony grimaced. "I just found some old files that detail how my father's lawyers helped to cover up some, uh, scandalous affairs he was involved in."

"Yeah, none of wants to know about our parents' sex lives." Rhodey shuddered slightly.

"Yeah, but this just brings a couple things to mind that I really want to clear up."

"Oh?"

"Steve, I have to ask you— did you ever sleep with my dad?"

"What, no, why, no, I'd never." Steve, obviously flustered, stuttered out several rebuttals but Tony remained unconvinced.

"You sure? No hanky panky the lab?"

"That's obscene, Tony. I never slept with your dad."

Yet Tony continued to pester Steve and the rest of the team well into the evening.

"What's Tony on about this time?" Bucky asked as he walked into the kitchen.

Steve turned his exasperated look unto his best friend. "He seems to think I had an affair with Howard Stark."

The ex-assassin rolled his eyes. "Steve never had sex with your dad," he paused to take a bite of his plum. "But I did."


And so the super soldier left the kitchen to the disturbed stares of his teammates.

'You Midgardians do not understand how troubling this is. Mjolnir, no matter how far, always comes back to me. If it cannot reach me, it either means that someone else worthy is wielding it or it is being held by something far more powerful than Asgard's magic."

"So we either have to worry about a powerful intergalactic villain or some random goody two-shoes?"

"What do you want us to do, Thor? Make up a bunch of posters? Mjolnir-if seen, please contact the Avengers."

"How can you jest at a time like this? The world could very well be ending!"

"Take it easy, Point Break. I'm sure your hammer will turn up in a few days. In the meantime, why don't you get that watch guard friend of yours to be on the lookout for it."

"Ah, of course! I will be off at once to request that Heimdall search for Mjolnir."

"Hey Thor, guess what I found!"

Peter bounded into the room to the surprised stares of the Avengers.

"Young Peter! Where did you find Mjolnir?!"

Peter blushed slightly and gave a shaky smile. "Uh, I saw a Labrador in the park that was using it to play fetch."

"But of course! All dogs are worthy. I think they are the only creatures on Midgard worthy of the mighty Mjolnir."

And yet Peter was still holding Thor's hammer, slightly confused. That's when Tony bursted out laughing.

"Are we gonna ignore the fact that Point Break just called Underoos a puppy?"


The internet never ceased to amaze Steve. It was like a library, cinema, and a post office rolled into one. Of course, every now and then, he'd stumble upon something unsavory ( was not what it sounded like, and Tumblr was a hellish nightmare), but that was a given.

The Avengers had many, many fans. Everywhere they looked, new articles were being written, fanart made, or social media accounts dedicated to them were created.

One of Steve's favorites was all of the quizzes made about them (Which Avenger Are You; What Would Your Superpower Be; Who's The Best Avenger?) on this website called Buzzfeed.

So one day, Steve decided to have the team take one of these quizzes just for shits and giggles (yes, Steve casually sweared).

Rhodes looked over at Tony's screen before cracking up.

"What's so funny?"

"It says here that Tony is 60% Captain America, 60% Black Widow, and 80% gay."

"I don't get why you're laughing. It just means I'm twice the man you'll ever be."


Peter ran into the room, his socks skidding on the hardwood floors. He almost fell, but his reflexes and innate gracefulness saved him from that.

"Guys, guys, guys! I no longer feel terrible about myself."

"That's great, kid! Wait, why were you feeling bad about yourself?"

Peter waved his hand dismissively. "Unimportant. It's just that I realized how stupid the Avengers can be sometimes."

"Well that makes the rest of us feel better."

"So FRIDAY was showing me a bunch of footage from your Iron Man suits, and one thing in particular that stood out was that Steve tried to strangle a robot. An inorganic robot.

So then I asked her if there was any other particularly idiotic instances, and she came up with a whole host of footage! Like that time Clint shot an arrow and he jumped off a building the next second, so he essentially shot himself with his own arrow."

"Just remember, I can do the same thing with Karen. Remember when you swung into a wall and apologized to it?"


"Hello, Spider-Man. I am an artificial intelligence system created to assist you."

"Oh my gosh, that's so cool! Wait, what should I call you? It'd be kinda rude to just refer to you as Computer Lady."

"You may Name me whatever you wish, Spider-Man."

Peter thought long and hard on what to name his A.I. At first he wanted to do something stupid like Wall-E or Eva, but a brilliant idea struck him.

"Uh, Computer Lady?"

"Yes, Spider-Man?"

"I think I'll call you Karen."

"Of course. Is there anything you'd like me to call you?"

"Uh, well my name is Peter. But there is actually something you can call me…"

"Alright, suit up kid. You're coming with us today. We board the quinjet in ten."

"Awesome, Mr. Stark. Karen, activate Avengers Mission protocol."

"Of course, Sir Peter, King of the Spiders."

Peter suddenly blushed furiously as his mentor gave him a weird look, something between disappointment and amusement.

"Karen, I told you to only call me that when I'm alone."

"Updating my protocols accordingly, Plankton."


"Ha, ha, ha, jokes on you, every father figure I've ever had has died."

"Yeah, jokes on you! All of my father figures were abusive pieces of shit."

"Wait-"

"Hol' up-"


"You know, Sam and I have that kind of friendship where we finish each other's-"

"Sentences."

"Don't interrupt me, Birdboy."


"Okay, hear me out guys."

"Whenever you say that, I have to wonder what incredibly stupid idea popped into your head at 2 in the morning."

"Steve is like a Pokémon. Starts off as a weak scrawny kid, evolves into the super soldier with a corny costume, then gets a better costume. Him being stuck in the ice is like when you either take a break from the game or you focus your resources into upgrading your other Pokémon, meaning the rest of you guys. Came out of the ice, got even more jacked, and now he has a beard. Fully evolved Pokémon."

"Now, Peter-"

The teen groan cut him off, making the rest of the Avengers snicker.

"Seriously, Steve? Do you have to use your PSA voice? It sounds worse than it did in the puberty video."

"PSA?"

"Puberty video?"

"What have you been keeping from us, Stevie-boy?"

"Wait, they actually still show those?"


It wasn't unusual to see various Avengers communicate with each other using…interesting methods (Clint had a phase where he sent messages to people by taping them to arrows), so it wasn't strange to see Bucky and Sam talking to each other through Morse Code.

Bucky: ... ... ..- - / - ... . / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / ..- .-. / -.- - ..- / -.. ..- - -... .- ... ... / - .-. / .. / .- .. .-.. .-.. / -.. - / .. - / ..-. - .-. / -.- - ..-

Sam: - .-. -.- / - . / -... .. - -.-. ...

Bucky: .-. ..- -. -.-

Sam: -. .-. .- -. -.. .-. .-

Bucky: - ... / -.- - ..- / - - - ... . .-. ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. -.

And that's when Steve put his hand down over Bucky's.

"Yeah, I think you boys should stop now."


"MR. STARK! MR. STARK!" Peter ran into the lab panickedly.

"What is it, kid?"

"So Clint and I were in the vents right? I wanted to play a prank on him so I asked Karen, I was wearing my suit by the way, to project my voice through Friday because I knew there was one of her speakers right behind Clint and I wanted to freak him out.

So FRIDAY plays a recording of me saying 'Here's Johnny' and Clint just screams and jumps up. But we're in a small vent so he just hits his head really hard on the top of the vent. I was laughing but I stopped when I realized he wasn't moving anymore. So I panicked.

I used my webs to pull him through the vents and onto the roof, 'cause I didn't want anyone to see me and ask why I killed Clint. So then I just propped him up on one of those lounge chairs and put sunglasses on him.

Oh my god, Mr. Stark, what if I did kill him? Nat is gonna kill. So will Cap. And probably Clint's wife. Have you ever met her? She's scary. Oh my god, I'm screwed. I'm a dead man walking. I'm-"

Tony could only put his hand on Peter's shoulder to stop the word vomit. But that was about it before he started cackling maniacally.

"F-FRIDAY? P-Pull up th-the c-am-mera f-foot-tage."


Instead of movie night, the Avengers had what they called Idiot Villain Night. All of their suits had built in microphones and cameras, which lead to hilarious footage. Tonight was Peter's night, and boy did he have some weird footage.

Projected onto the huge screen for all the heroes to see was The Farmer. A man dressed in leather overalls handling alien tech with an army of bots to support.

But not just any bots. Bots built to like farm animals. Yeah, try and imagine that.

"What the fuck is your life? You were attacked by an agriculture themed criminal and his army of electrical livestock."

Peter could only shrug in response. The rest of the team seemed to be captivated by the footage, which was taken by Spider-Man's surveillance drone, SPY-D.

Out of nowhere, a small bot designed to look like a pig jumped on the spandex-clad hero's back, effectively distracting him from The Farmer.

"Where the hell'd that come from?" Sam asked.

T'Challa gave his sister a reproving look. "I swear to Bast if you-"

Before he could finish, Shuri and Peter looked at each other knowingly before both blurted out, "Little Pig Boy comes from the dirt."

Bucky was the only one to join them in raucous laughter.


Even though the Winter Soldier was officially removed from Bucky by Princess Shuri, the ex-assassin could still tell there were some vague traces of his former self still lingering.

It would pop up at the most random times. He could be on a morning run and suddenly want to strangle Sam. Or he would randomly crave borscht.

"Hey Bucky, what do you want for breakfast?" Steve asked him, already moving around the kitchen.

The souls of the innocent.

"A bagel."

Nooooo.

Bucky cocked his head to the side slightly. "Actually, two bagels."


Most of the Avengers did not understand Peter. It was the generational divide.

Take for instance one time where Peter fell asleep on the common room couch. His first coherent sentence when he woke up was, "Oh sorry, I fell asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich."

While most of the team just looked confused, Scott actually smiled. "Go back to sleep and starve."


"Sam?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"Do you want to become a mutant? How about Beetle-Man? Beetle-Guy? We can figure out the name later."

"Kid, what did you do?"

"So I was messing around with the radiation chamber in Mr. Stark's lab, but afterwards I realized that somehow a beetle had made its way in there. So now I have a radioactive beetle, and sorry but I can't handle the responsibility of being both Spider-Man and Beetle-Guy so I figured you'd want to have a superpower of your own."


No one wanted to teach Peter how to drive. Somehow, Clint got stuck with it.

They were both sitting in the car, which was parked on the race track at the Compound (no one had any idea why it was there).

"Okay so you're driving, then bam! Steve and Sam walk out in front of you. What do you hit?"

"Well Bucky would probably want me to hit Sam, but Captain America's more durable. So I guess I'd hit Steve."

"The brakes, Peter. You hit the brakes."


It was hard to get Steve drunk. Only the finest Asgardian mead could get him even slightly buzzed.

But it was still a bad idea to drink that stuff in copious amounts.

The team soon found out Steve had stages of drunkenness to rival Amy Santiago.

Three bottle Steve was a sap.

"He is so amazing and talented. I really admire him, you know. He's helped me through a lot of shit. And he's so popular now, too! I love him. He holds such a special place in my heart. He used to be in the army, ya know."

"Is he talking about you, Barnes?"

Bucky narrowed his eyes slightly, listening to Steve for another moment.

"Nah, I think this one's about Bob Ross."


"Guys, why is Tony pacing around having a heart attack?"

"Peter swung in injured and when Helen asked for his blood type he said 'blue' and just passed out."


"I got into a fight with Electro."

"AGAIN?!"

"I know, I was shocked too."

"Kid-"

"Ohm-my god can you help me? It kinda hertz."

"We'll be talking about this at some point."

"Yeah, I'm amped for that conversation. Ec-static, really."

"Can you not make corny electricity puns right now?"

"Watt did you say? I'm just trying to keep it current."

"STOP MAKING THE FUCKING ELECTRICTY JOKES AT A TIME LIKE THIS OR ELSE."

"Joule won't do anything, even if I continue."

"How can I show Steve that I want to be more than just friends?"

Natasha quirked her eyebrow at the infamous ex-assassin.

"You really are that hopeless at romance that you have to ask me?"

Bucky threw the other Russian a dirty look. "Trust me, I'd rather have advice from you than say, Tony."

The other assassin smirked, knowing exactly what Bucky meant.

"Fine. To start off, maybe try a little light flirting. Nothing too bold, nothing too oversexualized. And no innuendos, you know how oblivious he is."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Well, I'm sure Steve's patriotic ass wouldn't mind a good ol' fashioned heart-to-heart conversation."

"You know I hate those." Bucky's words were paired with a scowl and glare that would send most people running to their mothers. But of course, it didn't affect Natasha in the slightest.

Later, after a successful mission, the team settled around the living room to watch a movie. It was a stupid Hallmark rom-com, but hey, Natasha (who picked the movie) didn't hear anyone complaining.

It was when the end credits were rolling that Bucky decided it was time. As Steve stood up to stretch, Bucky stood with him. The ex-assassin swiftly grabbed his best friend and kissed him before anyone knew what happened.

When he stopped, the room was completely silent. Steve was blushing furiously, from both the kiss and the stares of the rest of his teammates. Yet he did have a small smile gracing his features.

"Barnes, that is not what I meant by a little light flirting."


Considering that Bucky was a terrible flirt, it was a wonder why Peter went to him and Sam for relationship advice.

"Uh, I was wondering, canyoutellmehowtoaskoutagirl?" Peter hurried out as fast as he could, blushing furiously.

"Slow down, Peter. What do you want?"

The teenager's blush burned redder and travelled down his neck.

"Can you tell me how to get a girl to like me? What can I do to impress her?"

Sam have him one of those sappy smiles he used all the time on patients. "Now Pete, if she doesn't like you for her you are, then she isn't worth it. It's what's underneath that matters."

"Yeah, it's what's underneath. Like abs. Come on, lemme go teach you how to bench press a car."


"Hey guys, so I just discovered something that has now added to my waist-deep trauma." Tony said, strolling into the kitchen. He joined Rhodey, Sam, and Steve at the counter.

"What happened this time?"

"So apparently, bisexuality runs in the family." Tony grimaced. "I just found some old files that detail how my father's lawyers helped to cover up some, uh, scandalous affairs he was involved in."

"Yeah, none of wants to know about our parents' sex lives." Rhodey shuddered slightly.

"Yeah, but this just brings a couple things to mind that I really want to clear up."

"Oh?"

"Steve, I have to ask you— did you ever sleep with my dad?"

"What, no, why, no, I'd never." Steve, obviously flustered, stuttered out several rebuttals but Tony remained unconvinced.

"You sure? No hanky panky the lab?"

"That's obscene, Tony. I never slept with your dad."

Yet Tony continued to pester Steve and the rest of the team well into the evening.

"What's Tony on about this time?" Bucky asked as he walked into the kitchen.

Steve turned his exasperated look unto his best friend. "He seems to think I had an affair with Howard Stark."

The ex-assassin rolled his eyes. "Steve never had sex with your dad," he paused to take a bite of his plum. "But I did."

And so the super soldier left the kitchen to the disturbed stares of his teammates.


'You Midgardians do not understand how troubling this is. Mjolnir, no matter how far, always comes back to me. If it cannot reach me, it either means that someone else worthy is wielding it or it is being held by something far more powerful than Asgard's magic."

"So we either have to worry about a powerful intergalactic villain or some random goody two-shoes?"

"What do you want us to do, Thor? Make up a bunch of posters? Mjolnir-if seen, please contact the Avengers."

"How can you jest at a time like this? The world could very well be ending!"

"Take it easy, Point Break. I'm sure your hammer will turn up in a few days. In the meantime, why don't you get that watch guard friend of yours to be on the lookout for it."

"Ah, of course! I will be off at once to request that Heimdall search for Mjolnir."

"Hey Thor, guess what I found!"

Peter bounded into the room to the surprised stares of the Avengers.

"Young Peter! Where did you find Mjolnir?!"

Peter blushed slightly and gave a shaky smile. "Uh, I saw a Labrador in the park that was using it to play fetch."

"But of course! All dogs are worthy. I think they are the only creatures on Midgard worthy of the mighty Mjolnir."

And yet Peter was still holding Thor's hammer, slightly confused. That's when Tony bursted out laughing.

"Are we gonna ignore the fact that Point Break just called Underoos a puppy?"


The internet never ceased to amaze Steve. It was like a library, cinema, and a post office rolled into one. Of course, every now and then, he'd stumble upon something unsavory ( was not what it sounded like, and Tumblr was a hellish nightmare), but that was a given.

The Avengers had many, many fans. Everywhere they looked, new articles were being written, fanart made, or social media accounts dedicated to them were created.

One of Steve's favorites was all of the quizzes made about them (Which Avenger Are You; What Would Your Superpower Be; Who's The Best Avenger?) on this website called Buzzfeed.

So one day, Steve decided to have the team take one of these quizzes just for shits and giggles (yes, Steve casually sweared).

Rhodes looked over at Tony's screen before cracking up.

"What's so funny?"

"It says here that Tony is 60% Captain America, 60% Black Widow, and 80% gay."

"I don't get why you're laughing. It just means I'm twice the man you'll ever be."


Peter ran into the room, his socks skidding on the hardwood floors. He almost fell, but his reflexes and innate gracefulness saved him from that.

"Guys, guys, guys! I no longer feel terrible about myself."

"That's great, kid! Wait, why were you feeling bad about yourself?"

Peter waved his hand dismissively. "Unimportant. It's just that I realized how stupid the Avengers can be sometimes."

"Well that makes the rest of us feel better."

"So FRIDAY was showing me a bunch of footage from your Iron Man suits, and one thing in particular that stood out was that Steve tried to strangle a robot. An inorganic robot.

So then I asked her if there was any other particularly idiotic instances, and she came up with a whole host of footage! Like that time Clint shot an arrow and he jumped off a building the next second, so he essentially shot himself with his own arrow."

"Just remember, I can do the same thing with Karen. Remember when you swung into a wall and apologized to it?"


"Hello, Spider-Man. I am an artificial intelligence system created to assist you."

"Oh my gosh, that's so cool! Wait, what should I call you? It'd be kinda rude to just refer to you as Computer Lady."

"You may Name me whatever you wish, Spider-Man."

Peter thought long and hard on what to name his A.I. At first he wanted to do something stupid like Wall-E or Eva, but a brilliant idea struck him.

"Uh, Computer Lady?"

"Yes, Spider-Man?"

"I think I'll call you Karen."

"Of course. Is there anything you'd like me to call you?"

"Uh, well my name is Peter. But there is actually something you can call me…"

"Alright, suit up kid. You're coming with us today. We board the quinjet in ten."

"Awesome, Mr. Stark. Karen, activate Avengers Mission protocol."

"Of course, Sir Peter, King of the Spiders."

Peter suddenly blushed furiously as his mentor gave him a weird look, something between disappointment and amusement.

"Karen, I told you to only call me that when I'm alone."

"Updating my protocols accordingly, Plankton."


"Ha, ha, ha, jokes on you, every father figure I've ever had has died."

"Yeah, jokes on you! All of my father figures were abusive pieces of shit."

"Wait-"

"Hol' up-"


"You know, Sam and I have that kind of friendship where we finish each other's-"

"Sentences."

"Don't interrupt me, Birdboy."


"Okay, hear me out guys."

"Whenever you say that, I have to wonder what incredibly stupid idea popped into your head at 2 in the morning."

"Steve is like a Pokémon. Starts off as a weak scrawny kid, evolves into the super soldier with a corny costume, then gets a better costume. Him being stuck in the ice is like when you either take a break from the game or you focus your resources into upgrading your other Pokémon, meaning the rest of you guys. Came out of the ice, got even more jacked, and now he has a beard. Fully evolved Pokémon."

"Now, Peter-"

The teen groan cut him off, making the rest of the Avengers snicker.

"Seriously, Steve? Do you have to use your PSA voice? It sounds worse than it did in the puberty video."

"PSA?"

"Puberty video?"

"What have you been keeping from us, Stevie-boy?"

"Wait, they actually still show those?"


It wasn't unusual to see various Avengers communicate with each other using…interesting methods (Clint had a phase where he sent messages to people by taping them to arrows), so it wasn't strange to see Bucky and Sam talking to each other through Morse Code.

Bucky: ... ... ..- - / - ... . / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / ..- .-. / -.- - ..- / -.. ..- - -... .- ... ... / - .-. / .. / .- .. .-.. .-.. / -.. - / .. - / ..-. - .-. / -.- - ..-

Sam: - .-. -.- / - . / -... .. - -.-. ...

Bucky: .-. ..- -. -.-

Sam: -. .-. .- -. -.. .-. .-

Bucky: - ... / -.- - ..- / - - - ... . .-. ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. -.

And that's when Steve put his hand down over Bucky's.

"Yeah, I think you boys should stop now."


"MR. STARK! MR. STARK!" Peter ran into the lab panickedly.

"What is it, kid?"

"So Clint and I were in the vents right? I wanted to play a prank on him so I asked Karen, I was wearing my suit by the way, to project my voice through Friday because I knew there was one of her speakers right behind Clint and I wanted to freak him out.

So FRIDAY plays a recording of me saying 'Here's Johnny' and Clint just screams and jumps up. But we're in a small vent so he just hits his head really hard on the top of the vent. I was laughing but I stopped when I realized he wasn't moving anymore. So I panicked.

I used my webs to pull him through the vents and onto the roof, 'cause I didn't want anyone to see me and ask why I killed Clint. So then I just propped him up on one of those lounge chairs and put sunglasses on him.

Oh my god, Mr. Stark, what if I did kill him? Nat is gonna kill. So will Cap. And probably Clint's wife. Have you ever met her? She's scary. Oh my god, I'm screwed. I'm a dead man walking. I'm-"

Tony could only put his hand on Peter's shoulder to stop the word vomit. But that was about it before he started cackling maniacally.

"F-FRIDAY? P-Pull up th-the c-am-mera f-foot-tage."


Instead of movie night, the Avengers had what they called Idiot Villain Night. All of their suits had built in microphones and cameras, which lead to hilarious footage. Tonight was Peter's night, and boy did he have some weird footage.

Projected onto the huge screen for all the heroes to see was The Farmer. A man dressed in leather overalls handling alien tech with an army of bots to support.

But not just any bots. Bots built to like farm animals. Yeah, try and imagine that.

"What the fuck is your life? You were attacked by an agriculture themed criminal and his army of electrical livestock."

Peter could only shrug in response. The rest of the team seemed to be captivated by the footage, which was taken by Spider-Man's surveillance drone, SPY-D.

Out of nowhere, a small bot designed to look like a pig jumped on the spandex-clad hero's back, effectively distracting him from The Farmer.

"Where the hell'd that come from?" Sam asked.

T'Challa gave his sister a reproving look. "I swear to Bast if you-"

Before he could finish, Shuri and Peter looked at each other knowingly before both blurted out, "Little Pig Boy comes from the dirt."

Bucky was the only one to join them in raucous laughter.


Even though the Winter Soldier was officially removed from Bucky by Princess Shuri, the ex-assassin could still tell there were some vague traces of his former self still lingering.

It would pop up at the most random times. He could be on a morning run and suddenly want to strangle Sam. Or he would randomly crave borscht.

"Hey Bucky, what do you want for breakfast?" Steve asked him, already moving around the kitchen.

The souls of the innocent.

"A bagel."

Nooooo.

Bucky cocked his head to the side slightly. "Actually, two bagels."


Most of the Avengers did not understand Peter. It was the generational divide.

Take for instance one time where Peter fell asleep on the common room couch. His first coherent sentence when he woke up was, "Oh sorry, I fell asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich."

While most of the team just looked confused, Scott actually smiled. "Go back to sleep and starve."


"Sam?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"Do you want to become a mutant? How about Beetle-Man? Beetle-Guy? We can figure out the name later."

"Kid, what did you do?"

"So I was messing around with the radiation chamber in Mr. Stark's lab, but afterwards I realized that somehow a beetle had made its way in there. So now I have a radioactive beetle, and sorry but I can't handle the responsibility of being both Spider-Man and Beetle-Guy so I figured you'd want to have a superpower of your own."


No one wanted to teach Peter how to drive. Somehow, Clint got stuck with it.

They were both sitting in the car, which was parked on the race track at the Compound (no one had any idea why it was there).

"Okay so you're driving, then bam! Steve and Sam walk out in front of you. What do you hit?"

"Well Bucky would probably want me to hit Sam, but Captain America's more durable. So I guess I'd hit Steve."

"The brakes, Peter. You hit the brakes."


It was hard to get Steve drunk. Only the finest Asgardian mead could get him even slightly buzzed.

But it was still a bad idea to drink that stuff in copious amounts.

The team soon found out Steve had stages of drunkenness to rival Amy Santiago.

Three bottle Steve was a sap.

"He is so amazing and talented. I really admire him, you know. He's helped me through a lot of shit. And he's so popular now, too! I love him. He holds such a special place in my heart. He used to be in the army, ya know."

"Is he talking about you, Barnes?"

Bucky narrowed his eyes slightly, listening to Steve for another moment.

"Nah, I think this one's about Bob Ross."


"Guys, why is Tony pacing around having a heart attack?"

"Peter swung in injured and when Helen asked for his blood type he said 'blue' and just passed out."


"I got into a fight with Electro."

"AGAIN?!"

"I know, I was shocked too."

"Kid-"

"Ohm-my god can you help me? It kinda hertz."

"We'll be talking about this at some point."

"Yeah, I'm amped for that conversation. Ec-static, really."

"Can you not make corny electricity puns right now?"

"Watt did you say? I'm just trying to keep it current."

"STOP MAKING THE FUCKING ELECTRICTY JOKES AT A TIME LIKE THIS OR ELSE."

"Joule won't do anything, even if I continue."

(A/N) I know this is late (I originally posted on AO3 on July 19th), but Happy Birthday to a very special person.