But Perhaps…

I

The first year of their marriage had not been easy. Robert found himself almost constantly inundated with demands on him from every side. Cora wanted to spend time with him, to talk to him, to cling to him. Papa's health was starting to decline, and he gave Robert more and more responsibility over the estate. Mama could see the writing on the wall and had her own insistence on how Robert ought to behave as a public figure as his time to become the Earl of Grantham grew closer.

No matter what he did, he could not satisfy them all. If he focused on the estate and truly learned everything he would need to learn to manage it, he was neglecting Cora and behaving too much like a common businessman instead of a nobleman. If he took the place of figurehead over the estate, he was neglecting the actual running of the estate and still neglecting Cora. And if he gave Cora the time and attention she wanted, he was chastised by both his parents for neglecting his duties in favor of coddling his sensitive American wife.

If it were up to him, he would spend his days managing the estate, his evenings hosting events, and his nights wrapped up in his beautiful wife. But none of this was up to Robert. There seemed to be no balance between the demands that would satisfy anyone. Least of all himself.

All that to say, Robert had somehow made himself sick. It wasn't anything he could point to, no fever or stomach bug. Not really. He just had these sharp pains through his abdomen periodically, especially if he moved too quickly or ate too much. Everything was uncomfortable, and Robert was in an even worse mood as a result of the stress and the pain.

He had stopped riding his horse around the estate, choosing instead to have the carriage take him to various places for management duties. He was sullen at dinner parties. And he had stopped coming to Cora's bedroom the last two weeks, for he knew he was in too much pain to be able to bed her. As a result, everyone was even more displeased with him.

"Robert, what's the matter?" Cora asked him softly as she crossed the library to speak to him before dinner that night. "You've been quiet and I've hardly seen you lately."

He grunted in acknowledgment. "I've made you unhappy," he deduced. Another pain appeared, this time in his chest. He wanted so much to be a better husband to her. He had seen, over these last months, how intelligent and sweet and lovely she truly was. He liked spending time with her, and he especially liked the nights they spent together. Before these stomach pains started, he had even taken to spending the night sleeping in her bed. He had enjoyed being with her so much that he hadn't wanted to leave, and she had always seemed so happy when she woke up with him beside her.

But Cora put her hand on his arm and looked up at him with concern in her sapphire eyes. "I'm worried about you. I don't think you're ignoring me purposefully, but I think something is wrong, and I hope you'll tell me what it is."

Robert took her hand from his arm and brought it to his lips. "I don't want you to worry. I don't want to burden you."

"Not knowing what's going on is a burden to me, Robert," Cora insisted. "Particularly with…" She trailed off, looking down and their joined hands and muttering, "Your mother made a comment this morning about me not being pregnant yet."

God in heaven, yet another thing he was doing wrong. He and Cora had been married a whole year and, despite considerable efforts until two weeks ago, had not conceived an heir. Robert sighed and squeezed her hand. "I've not been feeling well, I'm afraid. I've been getting these stomach pains," he confessed.

Her eyes went wide. "Have you seen a doctor?"

"No, I had hoped they'd go away, but they haven't."

"Darling, you really must take care of yourself. Promise me you'll go see the doctor."

"Yes," he conceded. "I'll go see the doctor."

"Tomorrow," she insisted.

Robert gave a small smile. She did take care of him so very well, this lovely wife of his. "Tomorrow," he promised.

Carson opened the door to announce dinner was ready. Robert escorted Cora in, ignoring the looks of disapproval from his parents. His stomach pains were getting worse, but he did not want to worry Cora any more than he already had. He would go through with the meal, and perhaps tonight he could go to her room and just lie beside her. Her presence did bring him comfort, even if they did nothing more than sleep side by side. They could go about trying for an heir after he went to see the doctor and fixed whatever was wrong.

That had been Robert's intention, anyway. But the pain was getting worse. He couldn't even eat a bite of anything. Midway through the entrée, he stood up to excuse himself. Cora, sitting across the table from him, watched him with worry etched on her face.

"I am sorry," he announced, "I'm afraid I'm not feeling…"

He never got the words out. The sharp, stabbing pain exploded in his stomach worse than ever before, and Robert felt everything bubble up his throat as he retched uncontrollably over the table. He hardly realized what was happening as he started falling. Cora screamed, but she was so distant. It wasn't until he collapsed to the floor that Robert realized his retching was not water or food but blood.

Robert struggled to breathe as people crowded around. He felt faint. The pain was causing his vision to go black in the corners.

But then all of a sudden, Cora was there, holding napkins under his mouth as blood continued to dribble out. "I'm here, darling," she said. Her voice was soothing. It always was.

He was dying, he knew, and their life was just starting. There was so much more he was supposed to do, so many things left undone. But more than that… "If this is the end," he rasped out, "know that I have loved you very much." He had never told her. He loved her, deeply and quite desperately, in fact, and he had never told her. It was important that she knew.

Cora gasped sharply but recovered quickly. "This isn't the end, darling. We won't let this be the end," she vowed in that same soothing voice.

That was the last thing Robert heard. He couldn't see Cora's face as his slipped away.

The next thing he knew, his eyes fluttered open. The light was bright, almost blinding. This must be heaven. He had died from whatever malady afflicted him, and he had gone to heaven.

"Robert?"

That was Cora's voice. Her sweet, beautiful voice. Surely this must be heaven, hearing her voice again. He hummed, smiling to himself. "Cora," he breathed.

But then he heard a cry, a strangled sort of sob. Something was clutching his hand rather tightly. He blinked a bit more, trying to adjust to the light and figure out what was going on.

Robert found himself not in a cloud-covered palace of heaven but instead in the hospital. And there at his bedside sat Cora, crying and holding his hand. "Shh, darling," he tried to soothe. But his throat was dry, and he could not sit up. He tried to move but winced in pain. Obviously he had not died. He was alive and Cora was with him still.

"Oh Robert!" Cora cried out again. "Thank god you're alright. I was so afraid."

"I'm so sorry I frightened you, my darling. I should have gone to the doctor before, I am sorry. But I am alright, aren't I?" he asked, managing to reach his other hand over and stroke the back of hers as she continued to hold onto him.

She nodded, using her free hand to wipe her eyes with a handkerchief. "The doctor said you had an ulcer that burst."

Robert frowned. That would certainly explain what had happened. And he had been under quite a lot of stress these last months.

As he contemplated that, his vision got clearer and clearer, and Robert realized that Cora was still wearing her dress from dinner. And he knew that because she was stained with blood. His blood.

"Cora, how long have I been unconscious?"

"I'm not quite sure," she admitted. "Your ulcer burst on last evening at dinner, and the ambulance came to take you to the hospital, and they performed surgery. I think it's afternoon now."

"You think?"

"I haven't been paying attention to the time. I went with you in the ambulance, I didn't want to leave your side. And I waited here while you were in surgery. They finished during the night. The sun came up a while ago, but I'm not sure how long it's been."

"You've been here this whole time?"

She nodded. "Mama came by and tried to get me to go home, but I wouldn't. I needed to know you were alright."

"Have you slept or eaten?"

Cora shook her head. "I couldn't."

"Darling, you need to take care of yourself," he said, mimicking her words from the night before. "Particularly now that we know I'm alright."

She exhaled in relief, nodding. Tears filled her eyes once more, but she blinked them away. She swallowed hard and haltingly said, "Robert, last night you said…"

"I love you," he assured her. "I should have told you sooner. But I wanted to be sure that you knew, in case I didn't get another opportunity."

"And…and you still love me? Even though you're alright?"

"I have loved you for some time now, Cora, and I shall love you until my dying day. Though now we know that my dying day will be a very long time from now. I intend to take better care of myself, as you said, and I intend to be able to love you for many, many years."

Cora started crying again, but she was smiling. These were happy tears, he knew, and he would not begrudge her for them. His whole body was in agony, but a flush of warmth filled his chest. He loved her, and he would be sure to show her at every opportunity from now on.