all I want
chapter-1
a multi-chapter fanfic set in the end of season five during rufus and lily's fallout, how I think it should have gone. Inspired by the song 'all I want' by kodaline, this ended up being much longer than I expected but I was in a mood to write so it just poured out lol. please r&r!
all I want is nothing more
to hear you knocking at my door
lillian humphrey soon to be lillian bass again was exhausted, finding out about her sister and william, bart coming back was stressing her out. half of her stress was focused on the fact that by tomorrow she and rufus would no longer be husband and wife. they had both come up with a mutual decision to end their marriage a few weeks ago and ever since then, lily feels her heart breaking into a million tiny pieces every day all over again.
to the outside world, she showed no emotion towards the end of her marriage, telling people it just wasn't meant to be between her and rufus but her constant nightmares and breakdowns in the privacy of her penthouse proved her wrong.
bart had not moved into the penthouse yet, saying he respects rufus and doesn't want to move in until she and rufus are no longer together. lily knew bart doesn't care about rufus but obviously doesn't want her to think that. lily was thankful he hadn't, telling her future husband that she was crying herself to sleep every night over her soon-to-be ex-husband was something she didn't want to do.
"lily I have to go talk to charles, I'll be back in a few hours" bart said after they had finished up dinner for the night. lily nodded and gave him a fake smile as bart kissed her cheek and fled the penthouse.
lily sighed as she saw the empty plates and cutlery and started to clean up, she put on a pair of gloves and started washing all the dirty dishes silently cursing at the fact that she had let rufus convince her they didn't need larissa to come every day to clean up after them. she was going to call her and ask her to start coming to the penthouse every day again. lily was reminded of when she and rufus would do this together and how he would always tease her about how she didn't know how to work the dishwasher.
"I don't know if you know this lil but we have this thing called a 'dishwasher' to do that" rufus said in amusement as he watched his wife start to wash the dirty dishes wearing pink rubber gloves in her hands. he pointed towards the machine in the kitchen with a smirk.
"oh that's what that thing is for" lily replied, dumbfounded
rufus chuckled and started loading the dishes in the dishwasher and gently pushed lily out of the kitchen and told her he could finish up, lily smiled at him gratefully and went upstairs to their bedroom and entered her huge walk-in closet and changed into a black lace negligee she usually wore to bed. she put on a black silk robe over it and got into her side of the bed, she put her reading glasses on and started to read.
a few minutes later, rufus entered their bedroom and changed into his pajamas, and laid down beside lily on the bed. she smiled at him and took off her reading glasses and kept the book back on the nightstand as rufus wrapped his arms around her and kissed her temple.
lily sighed happily in her husband's comfortable embrace and turned on the tv and they both started to watch an old cheesy movie that was on
about halfway through the movie rufus saw that lily had fallen asleep on his shoulder, he kissed her cheek and turned the tv off. he tucked her into bed and engulfed her in his arms
"I love you" he whispers, not expecting an answer back as he had assumed she had fallen asleep. lily heard her husband's whispered confession and smiled softly as she cuddled closer to him
"I love you too" she said after she heard his breathing even out, an indicator he had fallen asleep, she kissed his forehead, and drifted off to sleep as well.
tears started pouring down lily's porcelain cheek as she dropped the dishes she was washing back in the sink and roughly pulled the gloves off her hands and covered her mouth with her hand to muffle a pathetic sob. her whole body was shaking and the sobs were getting uncontrollable. how had things gone so downhill for them so quickly? she knew it was mostly her fault but she was just hurt, lost, and stubborn. her mother had died of an illness lily didn't even know she had and then she finds out her niece who she loved like her own daughter was not her niece at all but just conning her for her money. she was hurt that rufus went behind her back to help her and then william and carol's betrayal was the last straw for her and she just snapped.
lily sunk down to the floor and sat down with her back to the kitchen island, curled up like a ball with her hands wrapped around her legs, lily cried for everything she had lost in such a short amount of time.
after thirty minutes of sitting in the kitchen lily's sobs had subsided, she just stared at the ceiling with a numb expression on her face, her eyes red and puffy from crying so much. she rubbed her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater and got up to take out a bottle of sonoma cabernet. she poured the deep red liquid into a wine glass and sat back down on the floor with her back against the kitchen island and the bottle of wine next to her. she knows rufus is going to be here at the penthouse tomorrow to get the annulment papers and go over some stuff regarding it and she shouldn't be hung over for it but she needs the alcohol to ease her pain.
when she's on her second glass she hears her phone ringing, lily wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but even in the state she currently was in, she is worried that it might be the kids and something could be wrong so with a heavy sigh lily gets up from the floor. she keeps the wine glass on the counter and stretches, her back aching a little from sitting on the floor, she realizes with a groan that her phone is not on the counter and spots it on the white couch in the living room.
she heads over to the couch and holds her iPhone in her left hand, feeling a little irritated when she sees who is calling her. she hits ignore and tosses her phone back on the couch, and starts to head back to her glass of wine when she hears the shrill of her phone again. she sighs angrily and picks up her phone again and answers the call
"what do you want carol?" lily asks, irritation laced into her voice
"lily please hear me out! I'm so sorry for what happened with william, it was a long time ago and I regret it, please forgive me" carol replies
lily rolled her eyes, she assumes carol wants money because of her sudden change in tune, carol was mad at her for sending her to jail and the two haven't talked since william was able to get her out on bail.
"carol, I don't care if you regret it or not, I've had just about enough of you so just leave me alone and don't ever call me again!" lily screams and cuts the call and throws her phone back on the couch and goes back to her glass of wine on the counter. she chooses to sit on one of the stools next to the kitchen island instead of the floor this time and finishes her glass.
the wine isn't doing a good enough job at taking lily's pain away and she realizes she needs something stronger. she checks her liquor cabinet, hoping to find a bottle of whiskey or vodka but is irritated when she only sees expensive champagne and wine bottles. she considers going out and having something stronger at a bar but remembers bart would be back in some time and would ask questions as to where she was and would obviously smell the strong alcohol on her breath. I could just tell him not to come over because I was spending time with serena...yes that would work, serena would cover for me.
she grabs her phone and dials bart's number, after almost a minute of ringing lily cuts the call, annoyed that bart didn't answer. oh well, it's not her fault, if he asks her anything about where she was she'll just say he didn't pick up her call. lily goes into her coat closet and puts on an alice and olivia pea coat over her baggy white sweater and black leggings and slips into a pair of christian louboutins.
before heading out she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror inside the coat closet, her makeup was smudged, her eyes were still puffy and anyone who looked at her closely could tell she had cried hysterically. lily rarely ever leaves the house in such causal clothes but she really didn't care right now. she headed towards the coffee table and put her wallet and phone in one of the coat pockets and took the elevator down.
she was greeted by vanya in the lobby who gave her a warm smile and asked her if she needed him to hail a cab for her. lily nodded and got into a cab vanya had hailed and thanked him profusely.
"where to miss?" the cab driver asked lily in a thick brooklyn accent
"uh williamsburg, brooklyn please" lily said and the driver started the car, she and rufus would go to bars in brooklyn sometimes when they were married and surprisingly lily found the atmosphere and alcohol much better than the bars on the upper east side.
lily asked the cab driver to pull over in front of a sports bar she and rufus often used to go to. she handed him the cab fare with the tip and headed inside and sat in one of the barstools.
"whiskey, neat, and just keep it coming" lily said to one of the bartenders fully planning on drinking until she forgets why she was drinking so much in the first place
after an hour lily was completely intoxicated, she had switched to having shots of vodka after a few glasses of whiskey. she had her head resting on the table as she waited for the bartender to get her more shots. she heard the bartender come back and raised her hand to tell him she was still alive.
"ma'am are you okay? would you like me to call someone who can pick you up?" the bartender named larry asked her. lily looked up at him, her vision blurring a little before everything went black, vaguely aware of the bartender asking her if she was okay.
cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man, I'm sure
"that's a triple word score and I win again!" dan said to his father with a smug expression, this was their third round of scrabble for the night. dan knew that his dad is going over to lily's tomorrow to discuss the separation and is going to see her for the first time in weeks. even if his dad didn't want to admit it, dan knew he was sad and it's going to be hard for him to see lily so he was spending time with him to take his mind off of things
rufus gave him a weak smile at that, he really wasn't in the mood for company right now but he didn't want to push dan away. rufus had spent the last few weeks moping around the loft, dreading about what's going to happen tomorrow. he tried convincing himself that he and lily splitting was for the best but after a week he gave up. he was hurt and angry at her for leaving him for bart but most of all he missed her. he missed her like a child misses their blanket and he had come so close to contacting her a lot of times during the past few weeks but would always end up talking himself out of it.
he reminded himself of how she acted, the things she said, and the fact that she left him for bart again. his anger towards her would return and he would end up not wanting to talk or see her but after sometime, he would start missing her again and would want to talk to her. he reminded himself again of what she did and would start to get angry. it was a vicious cycle that he had been stuck in ever since he last saw her.
"okay dad seriously are you okay? I just won from a triple word score and you haven't said one-word" dan said with concern and started to reset the game again
"I'm fine dan and I think I'm going to call it a night now" rufus replied with a heavy sigh and got up to head to his room
"oh..okay I think I'm going to go over to blair's now" dan started to pack up the game, getting the hint that his dad wanted to be alone right now
rufus nodded and headed into the bedroom he used to share with lily when they used to stay overnight at the loft sometimes. his gaze went towards a few brown boxes filled with lily's stuff that was at the loft. he had packed up some of her clothes that were here along with a few other things she had left behind. he tried to distract himself by doing some paperwork for panic but his eyes kept going back to the boxes, he had not asked when lily was going to come or send someone to get these and he didn't know when she was going to send the rest of his stuff back to the loft. this was just one of the many things they were going to go over tomorrow.
he kept staring intently at the boxes and as if someone else was controlling him, he kept the paperwork for panic aside and got up and headed towards lily's packed stuff. he opened one of the boxes and the first thing he sees is a picture of him and lily from almost four years ago, he remembered they took it when he saw her for the first time after she and bart had gotten married.
"so did you like the movie? I'm assuming yes since you didn't walk out this time" rufus said to lily with a grin as they walked out of the movie theater. things were a little bit awkward between him and lily on the way to the sunshine movie theater where repoman was going to be playing but after some time things were back to normal and they talked like old friends and stayed clear of the bart topic
"It was tolerable, I thought I'd give it a shot this time before storming out" lily replied with a chuckle. she found rufus's company much better than the movie, she had missed spending time with him and was glad she had decided to see him.
"and at least you were decent enough not to steal my soda this time" rufus said with amusement in his voice, referring to the can of soda lily had bought for him before the movie to make up for stealing his almost twenty years ago.
"your welcome darling" lily felt mortified as soon as she had let the term of endearment slip out and looked away from him, hoping he wouldn't make such a big deal out of it.
rufus just smiled at her and interlocked his arm with hers, leading her to a coffee shop just outside the theater. they stayed there for an hour and caught up on everything that had been happening for the past two months in which they hadn't seen each other. lily felt so much happier to be talking to rufus again, she had missed him during her time in beijing with bart and was feeling slightly guilty for fantasizing about another man on her honeymoon.
"do you need to get back home now?" rufus asked her as they stepped outside the coffee shop and into the warm autumn air.
lily shook her head "no, we can go to central park for a little bit if you want" lily suggested, she didn't want her time with rufus to end and it's not like she had bart to worry about since he was still in beijing.
rufus's face lit up and he nodded "yeah I'd love to" he whispered and hailed a cab for them since they were on the lower east side and it would take longer if they walked there
they walked around central park for a good half an hour, talking and enjoying each other's company. lily had her left arm draped around his shoulders lazily as she listened to him talking about the tour he had recently been on during the summer. she told him about her trip, keeping bart's name out of it as much as possible, and mostly talked about how beautiful beijing was.
"come on let's take a picture! the lighting is so good here" lily suddenly said and grabbed rufus's hand, leading him under a tree
rufus laughed with amusement at the childlike gleam in lily's eyes and agreed, lily flipped open her phone with her right hand and put her left arm around rufus's shoulders. rufus felt transfixed by her as he heard her chime-like giggles while she was opening the camera on her phone. lily felt rufus watching her and turned her head towards him.
"what are you doing?" lily asked in a whisper, noticing the content look on his face
"remembering this" he answered, looking at her with so much warmth in his eyes
lily blushed and looked away, a smile playing on her face. rufus laughed and rested his forehead against her temple, lily smiled in contentment and snapped a picture.
rufus ran the pad of his thumb over her face on the picture, a soft smile on his face as he remembered that day. he recalled how much lily had loved that picture and even got it framed after they got engaged, he had a copy of his own that was at the loft but he had taken it down after they decided to get separated. looking at that picture only made him miss lily more so when he was packing lily's stuff, he had put it in one of the boxes.
rufus was brought out of his daydream when he heard his phone ringing must be dan he figured and headed towards his phone with a sigh. he saw it on the kitchen island and picked it up, he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he saw who it was.
lily calling
his heart started racing why is she calling him so late? Is it because of their meeting tomorrow? or was it because of something else? he shook all the thoughts from his head and picked up the call.
"hello?" rufus heard on the other line, it was a man's voice, not lily's. rufus was even more confused now
"hello? who is this?" rufus asked, hoping everything was okay with lily. rufus's eyes widened as the man on the phone apparently named 'larry' told him about lily getting completely wasted at a sports bar in brooklyn. rufus quickly got out of his room and started to put his jacket on and asked him if lily was okay.
"she looks fine... just passed out because of the amount of alcohol in her system, I found her phone in her coat and called the first person on her speed dial which was was you. I suggest you come to pick her up as soon as you can" the bartender said politely
"I'll be there" rufus replied and cut the call, he grabbed the keys to the loft and locked the door as he headed down. he hailed a cab and asked the driver to take him to the bar lily was at as fast as he can.
when you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
"wh-where am I?" lily asked aloud in a groggy voice as she was woken up by the sound of loud music playing, her alluring green irises flickered open as she drank in her surroundings and the memories of the past few hours came rushing back in along with the realization that she was still at the bar. she lifted her head up slowly and instantly felt the throbbing pain in her head and groaned as she still felt a little drunk.
she reached inside of her coat pocket to find her phone to check the time but couldn't find it in there, she quickly searched in the other pockets but was unsuccessful in locating her phone. great! just great! she thought to herself when she realized she had lost her phone, at least my wallet is still here lily thought as her hand came in contact with her chanel wallet which was still safely placed in her coat.
"are you looking for this ma'am?" a burly looking man on the other end of the bar asked her with lily's phone in his hand, she recognized the man as the bartender who had been serving her drinks all night.
"um yeah...wh-why do you have this?" lily asked, slurring her words a little bit, and took the phone from him and checked the time. her eyes widened as she realized she had been in this bar for almost two hours. she sighed as she put one of her hands on her forehead, feeling the alcohol getting to her.
"you passed out so I called the first person on your speed dial to pick you up" the bartender replied
"mhm" lily grumbled, racking her brain to recall who this person might have called, she had trouble thinking straight because of the alcohol. oh no she thought as she remembered she had not changed her speed dial since her separation with rufus and the bartender must have called him. lily put her phone in her coat again and paid for the drinks and started to get up, she doesn't expect rufus to come here to pick her up because he is probably still too mad at her.
she stumbled outside the bar, the cold december air sending shivers down her spine, I should have worn a warmer coat lily thought to herself with a grimace. she started walking towards the penthouse, not bothering to get a cab to avoid the cold. this part of brooklyn was surprisingly empty given that it is new york, a city which never sleeps, lily could only see a couple holding hands on the other side of the street along with other people at more of a distance from her. she suddenly felt her phone buzzing in her pocket, an indication someone was calling her, she took her phone out of her pocket and saw bart's name twinkling on the screen, setting her teeth on edge. lily bit her lip as she kept her phone back in the coat pocket, letting it ring. couple of minutes after, she felt her phone buzzing again but she didn't bother to take it out this time, she just figured it was bart again.
the more lily walked ahead, she was beginning to doubt if she was going in the right direction, her mind wasn't exactly clear right now. with her still drunken state, the only thing she could hear right now was cars zooming ahead on the road and her christian louboutins clicking on the pavement.
"thanks for nothing!" rufus grumbled to the cab driver as he slammed the door shut and handed him the cab fare with a scowl on his face. the journey from his brooklyn loft to the bar had taken him especially long because of the lousiness of the cab driver. the driver ignored rufus's snarky comment and started driving ahead after receiving the money. rufus didn't seem to mind and ran like the wind inside the bar and asked the bartenders if they had seen lily, all of them shook their heads no, rufus took out his cellphone and showed them a picture of lily from last year, hoping one of them will recognize her.
"she left here about ten minutes ago" one of them said, rufus read his name tag and recognized him as the person who had called him from lily's phone earlier.
"did you see where she went?" rufus asked him impatiently
"she started walking straight ahead" he replied and pointed towards outside the window of the bar
rufus thanked him and headed out of the bar and dialed lily's number and sighed with exasperation when she didn't pick up. he started speed-walking in the direction lily had supposedly went. she just had a ten minute jump start from him so she couldn't have gone that far.
after twenty minutes of walking around aimlessly rufus had just about given up, he showed some people lily's picture in hopes that someone would have seen her but he was unsuccessful. he had even called vanya on the off chance that lily decided to hail a cab to her penthouse but vanya said that she had not returned back yet.
rufus started to turn around to head back to his loft but stopped when he heard a muffled scream coming from one of the dark alleys. rufus furrowed his eyebrows and headed in the direction from where he heard the sound, his hazel orbs widened when he saw lily pressed up against a dirty wall by a broad-shouldered man with jet-black hair.
"get off of me!" lily screamed, fear etched into her voice, she tried to slap him but the man caught her wrist before it made contact with his cheek
"stop fighting you whore or I will make this hurt" he growled and started nipping at her neck roughly. lily yelped in pain and tried with all of her strength to push him away but the man wouldn't budge and was easily able to overpower lily.
rufus didn't think twice before he pushed the man away from lily and punched him in the face, making him unconscious. lily burst into tears and slid down the wall, sobbing quietly. rufus hurriedly headed towards her and took her in his arms and was able to smell the alcohol wafting from her breath, lily rested her head against his chest and let him comfort her for a few minutes.
"are you okay? did he hurt you?" rufus asked with worry in his eyes and started caressing her wrist, making soothing circles with his thumb. rufus waited for her to respond but he could only hear her rhythmic breathing and quiet sobs in between.
"you came" lily said after a few minutes of silence, completely ignoring his earlier question. rufus furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, not knowing what she meant.
"what do you mean?" he asked and started stroking her shiny blonde hair in an attempt to coax her into talking to him. lily didn't answer him but instead, wrapped both of her arms around his waist and brought herself as close to him as she could. rufus inadvertently sighed and rested his chin on top of her head, he didn't want to force her to talk to him.
rufus nervously looked towards the still unconscious man and thought it would be best for both him and lily to leave right now before he gets up. he wrapped both his arms around lily's shoulders and tried to get her to stand up but it was proving to be difficult, it's not that she weighs a lot but dead weight would make anyone heavier. he still managed to get lily up on her two feet and led her out of the dark alley and hailed a cab for them.
as soon as they got inside the cab, lily rested her head against his chest again, the scent of rufus's cologne making her feel safe. lily started shaking her head violently when rufus gave the cab driver the address of lily's penthouse.
"what's wrong?" he asked, looking down at her with concern
"I-I don't want to go there, I don't want b-bart to know" she whispered and buried her face deeper into rufus's cotton shirt. rufus nodded empathetically and told him the address of the loft instead, the driver nodded and started the car. rufus leaned back into the seats and encircled lily's waist with his right hand, and his left hand resumed its position on her wrist.
lily could feel rufus watching her with concern but she didn't meet his gaze and kept looking out the window, watching the world go by. tears started pricking at the corner of lily's eyes and a lone tear slid down her cheek which didn't go unnoticed by rufus. he wiped the tear off and pulled her more closer to him, and whispered sweet reassurances in her ear that she was safe and no one could hurt her now.
they reached the loft after twenty minutes, rufus gently entangled himself from lily who had fallen asleep and opened the car door at his side. he paid the driver and opened the car door for lily who was still fast asleep.
"lily wake up, we're here" rufus said softly and caressed her hand. lily stirred while mumbling something incoherent and started getting out of the car with rufus's help. he wrapped his right arm around her waist and guided her inside the building, lily rested her head on his shoulder, still somewhere between sleep and waking up.
It proved to be difficult for them to climb the stairs together because of lily's intoxicated state but they both managed to reach the door of the loft in one piece. rufus unlocked the door and they both headed inside, rufus picked lily up and she instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest. he carried her to his bedroom and gently set her down on the bed, he knelt down and took her calf in his hand and removed her christian louboutins. he set them down on the side and sat next to lily on bed and tried to get her to sit up so he could remove her coat.
"jesus lil stop moving" rufus said with frustration as lily kept moving and giggling when rufus tried to remove her coat. lily pouted when she heard the frustration in rufus's voice and leaned back into the pillows, allowing rufus to remove her coat with ease. rufus put the coat on one of the chairs in the bedroom and turned his attention back to lily.
"get some sleep" rufus said and brought the blanket up to her neck and lulled her to sleep by stroking her hair. lily's eyelids started drooping after a few minutes, an indicator she had fallen asleep. rufus got up from the bed and started to leave the room, planning on sleeping on the couch but was stopped when he felt lily tugging at his hand
"what's wrong?" he asked her, looking down at their entwined hands
"thank you for helping me today" lily replied sheepishly. rufus smiled softly and gave her hand a gentle squeeze and left the room. lily smiled and moved around the bed until she was comfortable and fell asleep again.
well that was it for chapter one! I know you all might be wondering why rufus and lily are being so civil to each other right now but don't worry, there will be drama in the next chapter. I am aiming towards at least 6 chapters for this story but it depends really, it might be more. also I'll try to update twist of fate soon as well. thank you for reading and please leave a review on your way out, they help me stay motivated! xoxo lexi
