THEIR LAST RESORT: A Helluva Boss fanfiction by shadowgirl999

Blitz has some money problems and issues getting his new company off the ground, resulting in a clever, risky, and very illegal idea. Rated M for language, nudity and…detailed…sexual situations, adults only.

It was the end of another quiet day. Blitz (the O was silent ever since he changed his name, anything to avoid reminders of that fucking awful circus he worked in) was sitting at his desk at I.M.P. headquarters, waiting for clients to call as his long, curved horns scratched the back of his chair. The office of the tall, horned building was so eerily quiet he could hear the tapping of Loona's claws on her phone where she was texting a hellhound she had spent the night with earlier that week, resulting in a long night of squeaking and loud moaning (and woke up Blitz twice in the night from her enthusiastic growls and screams, resulting in him getting pelted with shoes when he burst in to see if she was all right), and the sound was practically deafening. He leaned back in his chair, rubbing his aching head and wondering if the phone was ever going to ring.

"Any calls, Loony?" Blitz asked, rubbing his eyes.

"No." Loona said, not even bothering to look up from her phone.

"Any emails?"

"Who the fuck uses email anymore? What is this, the 90s?" Loona said with a sneer. "And the answer's still no."

"Any clients?" Blitz asked as he picked a sizable piece of earwax out of his ear with his claws and flicked it into a garbage can, rubbing his long, curved horns.

"No." Loona said.

"Any talk about I.M.P. on the net at all?" Blitz asked as he stretched.

"Nobody calls it 'the net' anymore Da-Blitz." Loona said, catching herself before she said 'dad', a word she had promised herself never to use again. "And no, so stop asking."

Blitz stood up and stretched, making his back crackle as he looked at the clock, which read 8:45 pm. He worried as he looked at the bills due for electricity, facilities and rent on the building. Blitz had started his business about a month ago and almost no clients. Even in Imp City where the average citizen worked low-level dead-end jobs or begged on the streets, that was a bad sign. He had enough money saved to cover the next month's rent, but that was it. Immediate Murder Professionals had gotten a couple of good clients that paid well enough, but that was it so far. Being a one-man operation with only his receptionist/adopted daughter Loona was tricky, and 'help wanted' posters only got so far, especially given how the grammar and spelling made people laugh at them and do stupid stuff like burn then, use them as toilet paper or burn them and then use them as toilet paper. Blitz was running out of options.

"Well, Loony Toony, it looks like another long day." Blitz said as he leaned back and sighed. "Did you put out the online ads?"

"Yeah, but they don't seem to be doing jack shit." Loona said as she reached into the pocket of her short-shorts and pulled out a container of steak-flavored tic tacs, eating several of them.

"Not even the pop-up ones?" Blitz asked with a hopeful tone to his voice.

"Are you kidding? Nobody likes those fucking things, they just ignore them." Loona said, eating another tic tac.

"Oh come on! They love 'em!" Blitz said with a grin. "Especially the ones with the silly little games and stuff! I even set one up where you can fuck up some asshole's face with a crowbar!"

Blitz held up his phone to demonstrate the game, beating a fat guy in a wife-beater shirt with a red crowbar until the head shattered into a bloody pulp. The game then dinged and popped up a sign that said: GOT KILLING SKILLZ? GO 2 IMEEDIOT MURRDURR PROFFESHONALS AN GET BIG CASH 4 UR SKILLZ! HIRING NOW! in goofy red text.

"Yeah, that'll definitely bring in some new blood with the right skillset." Loona said sarcastically as she leaned back in her chair.

"Come on, it's the best I could do!" Blitz said as he stuck his phone in his pocket. "Ooh, what if we get some big banner like those things they put at car sales? Like something right over the door saying 'killers for hire'?"

"You tried that last month." Loona said with a sigh. "They tore it down and then made a VoxTube video mocking you by using it like fucking toilet paper."

Blitz sighed and sat down on his desk, picking up a tiny horse model and thinking hard as he looked at it.

"You ever think you're in the wrong business?" Loona said, putting her phone in her pocket and sitting up to go to the fridge.

"What, murdering assholes that people want dead?" Blitz asked.

"Exactly. Think about it, this kind of business is basically dime-a-dozen. And the overlords have a monopoly on assassination." Loona said as she grabbed a cold brew coffee out of the fridge and drank some of it. "Every overlord in Hell already runs most of the big-name ones. Valentino has people who kill whatever fuckers he wants, everybody's too scared of Alastor to do anything to him, Stolas is powerful enough to fuck over somebody in 20 different ways, and Mammon is rich enough to hire anybody he wants to kill somebody for him. Face it, you entered a dead venture."

"You really think so?" Blitz said as he sighed.

Loona gave him a look that said 'did you not hear me?' and went back to downing coffee. Blitz sighed and leaned back in his seat. This was not going well. Of course, that was the whole story of his fucking life. He was used to getting ignored or put down by everyone he knew, except of course for his sister Barbie Wire. Besides her, he had been mocked by his mom and dad and called a faggot for wanting to go into musical theater, bullied most of his life by bigger imps while growing up in the Greed Ring, put down by his ex Verossika Mayday who used him as inspiration for a song titled 'that fucking ex', even his stint as a clown at Loo Loo Land had ended horribly, getting into fights with that annoying Robo-Fizz from time to time until he finally got one good kick to the metal balls at that damn thing before quitting and leaving the park with a broken foot, a black eye and most importantly, the money to buy the office building. All that and now this.

"I mean, you might as well whore yourself out for cash at this point." Loona said, drinking more coffee.

"Really? How much do you think I'd go for?" Blitz said with an intrigued look as he struck a pose.

"Eew, no! I was joking, asshole." Loona said with a disgusted look on her face.

"No, come on! How about 10 bucks an hour?" Blitz said as he thrust out his crotch. "I think I'd go for about that much, I look fucking sexy in a suit."

"Oh fucking Satan, you're actually considering it!" Loona said as she facepalmed and dry-heaved. "You are so fucking gross! I need some goddamn Dramamine."

Loona ran up the stairs to the living area she shared with Blitz, consisting of two bedrooms, a kitchen and a bathroom that looked like an open invitation to kidney stones and cockroaches. She grabbed the medicine and gulped it down before washing it down with a bottle of scotch, her tail stiffening and frizzing out slightly as she drank it.

"Sorry Loony, but we're in a tough spot right now." Blitz said as he opened the door to Loona's bedroom. "We've got to find some way to make some money, and fast."

"Well, at this point, I suggest a new business model." Loona said as she walked into the kitchen and grabbed some human drumsticks, setting them in a pan as she heated up the oven. "At this point, you'd do a better job running some bullshit scam offering to kill the assholes who put them in Hell in the first place. Or maybe volunteer as a crash test dummy."

"Yeah, you're probably ri-" Blitz started.

Suddenly, his big yellow eyes lit up as he grinned mischievously. Blitz rubbed his clawed hands together and cackled.

"I know that fucking look. What are you up to?" Loona said, not caring as much as she sounded as she adjusted the heat.

"Hold on, I'll be right back!" Blitz said as he ran over to his desk, pulling open his laptop and sitting on the table across from Loona's place. "This should do it…"

"All right, if you're going to watch porn on that thing, go somewhere else. I can't eat with you jerking off over there." Loona said as she stood in front of the oven, her tail fluffing out in annoyance as her nose twitched at the smell of the food.

Blitz didn't answer as Loona continued setting up the table and eating her meal, sucking the meat off the bones and then heading off to shower. Blitz still didn't move from the chair, even when Loona lay down on the couch in just a robe and turned on 'Project Hellway'.

"I've got it!" Blitz shouted, making Loona jump as her freshly-shampooed fur stood on end.

"Whatever you've got, I hope they have cures for it." Loona said as she paused the episode. "I really hope you're not whoring yourself out."

"Aww, you don't have to worry about me, Loony Toony." Blitz said as he kissed her cheek, making her wince.

"I'm more worried about my brain having to be sawed out of my skull and having the memory of you in a sling thong being bleached from my fucking mind." Loona said as she shuddered. "Great, now I need a fucking acid bath to get that damn image out of my mind. Anyway, what is it?"

"I knew I heard about some bullshit portal to the living world somewhere, so I did a few searches until that spellcheck crap stopped messing me up and I found this!" Blitz said as he held up his laptop. "Isn't it great?"

"What is this? 'The Grimoire of Worlds'?" Loona said as she crumpled her muzzle in a sneer. "This is some high-end magic bullshit. And I'm not sure that the higher-ups would want somebody sneaking into the living world. Why even try some shit like that?"

"It's like you said, assassination is dime-a-dozen here. So…" Blitz said, grinning through sharpened yellow teeth as she stretched out the word. "…why not use that to make a portal and go after some of the fuckers who royally screwed over the people who wound up down here?"

"Several problems with that." Loona said, sighing in annoyance. "For one, it's illegal. Two, I doubt we could get it to work, and three, from the look of it, that book is owned by Prince Stolas of the Arns Goetia. How are you going to buy it from him?"

"Well, I wasn't really considering…buying it…exactly." Blitz said with a grin. "The guy's got a thing for imps, so I figured a standard sneak and grab job. Get it?"

"You're going to steal a powerful magical book from one of the most powerful overlords in Hell after trying to trick him?" Loona said, raising an eyebrow. "And how are you going to get in there, ring the doorbell and say you're there to balance his checkbooks?"

Blitz grinned, wringing his clawed hands maniacally.

"Actually, I was going to sneak in through the chimney, but that idea sounds loads better! Thanks, Loony!" he said as he grabbed his best suit and pulled on his shoes, gulping down some coffee and running towards the door.

"Great, I'll buy you a decent tombstone when you're eradicated." Loona said as Blitz kissed her on the cheek, making her grimace as he ran out the door. "See you later…dad."

THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER

"I might not have thought this through all the way." Blitz thought as he looked up at the address.

The home of the Arns Goetia wasn't just a penthouse or something like he thought, it was an actual castle, dark blue and purple with outcroppings for gargoyles, a thick, black moat filled with piranhas, and a huge balcony colored purple with fancy curtains and an awning. Blitz pulled the rope on a huge bell by the front portcullis, the ringing sound almost deafening seeing as the bell was big enough for him to able to squeeze into it. He waited a few minutes before an imp butler in a tuxedo opened the door on the other half of the moat and looked at him all funny before speaking through an intercom.

"Do you have an appointment?" he asked, looking at Blitz with curiosity.

"Yeah, I'm his 12 o'clock." Blitz lied expertly through the intercom on the other half. "I'm the financial guy."

"The business accountant?" the butler asked, looking all confused.

"…yeah." Blitz said as he started to sweat.

"Miss Margaret Harish?" the butler said, looking suspiciously at Blitz.

"What's the matter, never seen somebody get a fucking sex change before?" Blitz said, his mind racing as he tried to come up with something fast.

"One minute, please." The butler said as he walked into the castle and shut the huge door behind him.

Blitz could tell he might have to bolt for it and he took the time to look for any exit besides just running away, which would likely leave him open to being shot at. But he waited for about 20 minutes before the butler returned and, looking at Blitz with a mixture of nervousness and confusion, spoke through the intercom again.

"So sorry to keep you waiting, Miss Harish, I thought you were already at Madame Stella's dinner party!" the butler said as he lowered the drawbridge, piranhas the size of angler fish snapping as Blitz walked across it. "I hope your appointment with Sir Stolas goes well."

Blitz entered the castle as the portcullis opened, the mystical purple and blue color awing him. Most imps would never even see something like this in person without working some low-level job here. Upon entering the huge doorway he saw an assortment of paintings dotting the grey walls, most of them prominently featuring an adorable little owlet in a variety of cute dresses, which, judging from his prior research, he surmised was Stolas's daughter Octavia. Blitz couldn't help but notice there was only one picture of some snooty-looking female owl who he assumed was Stolas's wife, Stella. It was a family painting of the three of them together, when Octavia was pretty young. Judging by the date painted into the corner, Octavia must be at least a teenager now. Blitz chuckled, remembering when he was a teenager and the trouble he caused. Judging by the rumors about how wild some of the royalty in hell got when nobody was watching, he could only guess as to what kind of trouble Octavia would cause. But now wasn't the time. He needed to be clever, he needed some kind of subtle but easy way to make sure he could get the book. Blitz quickly engaged his plan the only way he knew how.

"Hey, um, Stolas?" Blitz said, looking around the hall. "I'm uh, here to discuss business."

The doors opened and a tall, slender owl demon in a red suit and cape with white fur shoulders walked out, his long legs strutting down the hallway as his four red eyes stared down at Blitz. His black feathers were slicked back from expert preening and his talons looked like they could cut steel. This was definitely Stolas, and Blitz started to wonder if he had made a mistake.

"You do not look familiar." Stolas said in a voice that was so smooth you could ice skate on it. "You are not by any chance employed by Valentino, are you? I told him already, I am not interested in his business."

"No, I'm actually in business for myself." Blitz said as he held out his hand. "Trying to get a good start, you know?"

Stolas smiled, which somehow made Blitz nervous. His beak, sharpened and blackened with talc, looked like an axe blade.

"I see. And why have you come to me?" he asked. "I do hope you have a good reason for arriving here. It is not proper to try to trick a prince of the Arns Goetia."

Blitz smiled nervously, wondering where to start. This was supposed to be a sneak thief job, and he had done stuff like that before. What was it about Stolas that as so intimidating and so…enticing?

"Okay, I'm going to be to the point on this." Blitz said as he lowered his hand. "I heard you had some book that could open portals between Hell and the living world."

"The grimoire of worlds." Stolas said with a smile. "Indeed I do, what is your business regarding it?"

"Its…personal." Blitz said.

"Is it…Miss Harish?" Stolas said with a grin. "I happen to know that the real Tilla Harish is at my wife's dinner party. So would you kindly not insult my intellect and reveal your intentions behind infiltrating my domicile?"

"Okay, okay." Blitz said as he let out a breath he'd been holding for a while. "The names Blitz. The 'O' is silent."

"Mmm, I do hope not all of them are…" Stolas said as he grinned wider.

"Um…what?" Blitz said, looking all uncomfortable. "Anyway, I've got this business I'm trying to get off the ground in Imp City, it's called I.M.P, short for 'Immediate Murder Professionals', not sure if you've ever heard of it."

"Oh, what a charming little name." Stolas said in a cutesy voice Blitz did not expect to hear from somebody like Stolas. "I do hope it does well. Assassination is a very competitive business."

"Yeah, so I've heard." Blitz said, his yellow eyes darting around the room in search of the grimoire. "Anyway, I was trying to get a little head start on it."

"How exactly?" Stolas asked.

"Um…maybe a loan." Blitz said, his eyes catching sight of a large purple book in the bookshelf next to his bed, matching the description of the Grimoire of Worlds. "Just enough for my employees' first paycheck."

"Well, I could lend you some money, but you'd have to make it worth my while." Stolas said with a grin.

Blitz knew he was in over his head. Overlords usually used Imps as slave labor in most cases. And even though he seemed to be nice enough, there was something about Stolas's attitude that weirded him out.

"Dammit, I was afraid of this." Blitz thought as he sighed. "What do you need me to do?"

Stolas grinned wider and picked up Blitz easily with his clawed hands, staring hungrily into his eyes.

"I need you to aggressively fornicate with me until I no longer possess the use of my legs." He whispered in his smooth voice, his four red eyes narrowing lustfully.

Blitz blinked. This was not what he expected at all. Especially from an overlord.

"You want me to fuck you until you can't walk?" Blitz said, incredulously.

"Isn't that what I just said?" Stolas asked with a purr as he walked towards a spiral staircase.

"Yeah, but now it's without all the fancy-ass rich people talk." Blitz said, nervously grinning as Stolas held him like a kitten.

"Ooh, I think I like you, Blitz." Stolas said as he carried Blitz up several flights of stairs through the mansion, smiling and opening a huge double door to a large bedroom. "Shall we begin?"

Blitz was having second thoughts. It was clear Stolas was one horny bastard, that much was obvious. Then again, a lot of overlords got into some pretty weird stuff when nobody else was watching. Valentino was rumored to have an entire wing of his castle where he would have his prostitutes that worked for him bathe him and exfoliate his skin, and Mammon had been said to have a pool filled with gold coins he swam in and a weird gold-skin treatment made by skinny dipping in molten gold. Compared to that, Stolas having a fetish for imps seemed just about normal. The bed was large and soft, with a fancy canopy covering it. The room was pretty dark and Blitz could swear there were eyes watching him from the walls.

"You actually like the idea of fucking with an Imp?" Blitz said, surprised.

"Why not?" Stolas purred, grinning as Blitz closed the door behind him. "I have heard your people are…especially well-endowed."

Stolas then removed his crown and robe, allowing it to fall to the ground and removing his underwear as Blitz gritted his teeth. He started having second thoughts as the overlord's naked body became exposed. He was slender and feathered from head to toe, his slim yet muscular frame becoming evident. Being twice Blitz's height, he towered over the imp like a skyscraper, his four eyes staring down at him. Once naked, he lay on the bed and lowered his eyelids seductively, staring at Blitz.

"Undress." He said in his soft voice, grinning lustfully.

Blitz undid his coat and slid it onto the bedpost, unsnapping his pants and then sliding his underwear down, exposing his red skin marred with the occasional white scar.

"Ooh, Blitzy…it seems the rumors were true." Stolas said, hungrily licking his beak. "Those scars are…enticing...you must be one brave imp to have received so many. And that cock…how do you imps get so big?"

Blitz sighed, realizing he was referring to the size of his imphood. He was pretty well-hung for his own kind, but he didn't know much about comparing between species of Hell, and he didn't much care for it. The compliment alone from the guy he was about to whore himself out to was uncomfortable enough.

"I don't know the basic biology of it. Do you want me to dick you down or what?" he said, nervously gulping.

"Oh yes, indeed!" Stolas said, enthusiastically laying on the bed and spreading his legs.

Blitz sighed as he carefully positioned himself between Stolas' huge owl legs, which were about as long as he was tall. Being pansexual, he wasn't turned off by Stolas or his state of nudity, but seeing as he was doing this both for money and as a distraction for his heist, he was a little uncomfortable at having to seduce Stolas for it.

"I'm doing this for the book." He thought to himself as he stroked the inside of Stolas's legs, making the huge owl shudder and moan loudly.

"Ooh, you're very good at this, Blitzy." Stolas said with a moan as Blitz continued stroking the inside of his thighs. "I'm surprised you are not spoken for at the moment."

"Whatever, just hold those long legs apart, will you? All these feathers make it tough to get started." Blitz said, making Stolas tremble as his claws stoked the titanic owl demon's thighs.

"And so forceful…" Stolas said with a grin. "…it's enticing. Do it again."

Blitz sighed, groaning and keeping one eye on the bookshelf off to the side of the bed. He stroked his thighs again, this time digging his claws into Stolas's skin and making him yelp. The prince's manhood went erect and Blitz could tell he was half-starved for sex.

"Damn, do you never get any action? You're acting like a whore." Blitz said, trying to distract him.

"No 'action' at all for quite a while, Blitzy." Stolas purred as he turned over face-down. "My wife and I have not been intimate for a while. Then again, it's probably for the best."

"Then how about we get back to that 'fuck you until you can't walk' thing?" Blitz said, hoping this could distract him.

"Oh yes!" Stolas said with a gasp as Blitz placed a pillow under his buttocks and entered him, making him cry out in pleasure.

Blitz sighed as he continued the rhythm inside of Stolas, making the prince cry out and gasp as he reamed him out to within an inch of his life. Stolas's claws dug into his back, scratching along the multitude of white scars he possessed and adding a few more in the process. Blitz had to admit, this didn't feel half bad. It had been a while since he had last had sex with anybody but himself and a porno movie, so this felt pretty good. Stolas cried out again and his feathers fluffed out, giving him the comical appearance of a large pine cone mixed with a stuffed owl.

"Oh Blitzy…!" Stolas gasped as he threw his head back and cried, his cloaca clenching Blitz's cock as he thrust in and out of the prince.

"Could you not talk? You sound like some fucking slut from a romance novel." Blitz said, groaning in his exertion as he thrust in and out of Stolas, his rhythms making the prince shudder.

"Very well, Blitzy…!" Stolas gasped, clamping his beak shut as Blitz thrust in and out, changing the angle and grinning.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" Blitz said with a grin. "Who knew the prince Stolas of the Arns Goetia was such a slut?"

"Ooh, more…more, Blitzy…" Stolas gasped, arching his back and spreading his legs. "…insult me again."

Blitz was getting weirded out by this. Most of the time, anybody who insulted an overlord was due for extermination via fireballs or lightning or both, but Stolas seemed to get off on being insulted.

"Dammit, this must be some fetish of his." Blitz thought as he pounded harder inside of him. "Might as well play along."

"You're…not fit to be prince. Not if you're such a bitch you can't take my cock any deeper." He said, keeping his eyes locked on the grimoire of worlds.

"Want to bet?" Stolas hissed, spreading his legs. "Get inside me, Blitzy…"

Blitz thrust deeper, making Stolas cry out loud and shudder as he plunged his cock into the prince's feathered anus, the tightness making him feel like his cock was being strangled as he milked the prince's prostate for all it was worth. The owl's body was shuddering and from his prior experience, Blitz knew he was close to coming.

"Oh Blitzy…!" Stolas cried out as Blitz kept thrusting in and out, spitting out feathers as he pecked at Stolas's back. "More…!"

Blitz sighed, plunging deeper and deeper as Stolas was now shuddering in pleasure, both participants in the night's activities close to coming. He kept an eye on the book as Stolas arched his back again and came with a moan of pleasure, Blitz following shortly afterward.

"OH, BLITZY…!" Stolas cried out so loudly Blitz's ear rang.

Stolas came twice more after Blitz came with a gasp, collapsing on the soft canopy bed as the constellations surrounding the bed flashed and then darkened. The prince shuddered and gasped as Blitz pulled out, his body going limp as the two naked bedmates lay exhausted.

"Oh Blitzy…I don't think I've ever felt so good in my life…" Stolas said as he wrapped his arms around Blitz, his beak resting on Blitz's horns as he stroked them and tugged on them to pull himself forwards to kiss Blitz's face (seeing as his legs were now useless). "…as per our arrangement, the money is prepared and will be on the bedside table. But do tell me, are Imp's horns usually this strong…?"

He then collapsed, his legs giving out as he passed out from the strain. Blitz sighed and carefully unwound himself from Stolas's grip, substituting a few pillows in his place as the prince hooted quietly in his sleep and hugged them tightly, kissing them with his beak. After he made sure all 4 eyes were closed, Blitz climbed out of bed and picked up the enormous envelope of cash, left there by an imp butler who had nervously left the room when he saw Blitz. There must be at least a million dollars in it, all untraceable as he liked it. Blitz then looked over at the bookshelf he had spotted earlier, scanning the titles until he saw the book he had spotted earlier. It was indeed the Grimoire of Worlds, and his claws shook as he picked it up.

"Yes, finally!" he whisper-shouted to himself, doing a victory dance in nothing but his jacket as he excitedly grabbed his jacket, not bothering to put on his pants or shirt but instead stuffing them into his deep jacket pockets. "This is going to save my fucking bacon...!"

He grabbed the book, almost falling over from just lifting it. The damn book was so heavy compared to him that he had to carry it under his arm like a suitcase.

"Satan dammit, this book is fucking heavy!" Blitz thought to himself as he looked back to make sure Stolas was still asleep. "Got the book, got the book…got this fucking heavy book…!"

He snuck out onto the balcony where he could hear faint conversation somewhere below and climbed onto the stone railing, trying to see where to go before he realized he had greatly overestimated his relative weight compared to the grimoire, which was weighing him down and started to fall off the narrow railing.

"Oh, OH SHIT!" Blitz screamed as he was yanked down by the book's weight and fell about 12 stories down in what seemed like an instant.

Luckily, there was something soft to break his fall. Unluckily, it happened to be a big cake on a table where two demonesses and (of all the rotten fucking luck!) Stella Goetia, Stolas's wife, happened to be sitting. With a loud SPLAT all three women were covered in fancy chocolate cake and glaring at Blitz as he lay there half-naked, covered in cake and holding the grimoire. Blitz thought fast, there had to be something he could say…?

"Sorry, I fucked your husband!" he said with a toothy grin.

It was all he could think of to say in a hurry, even if it was the worst possible thing he could say at the moment. The women glared at him, and he knew right away…he had fucked up. Blitz jumped up and ran holding the heavy book as they started to chase him, chuckling to himself out of nervousness and excitement.

The next morning…

Blitz ran into the I.M.P. office and chuckled to himself nervously as he rode the elevator up to his apartment, still dressed in nothing but his jacket and pants which he had haphazardly pulled on before entering the building. The night had been manic, with him being chased out of the castle by Stella and her friends who had pelted him with maces, plates, forks and even their imp butlers. He quickly opened the elevator and snuck back into the office before sighing in relief and slamming the grimoire onto the table.

"Whew…" he said, heaving a sigh as he leaned against his desk.

"You realize your fly is down, right?" Loona said, her voice coming from the desk where she had been texting somebody.

"GAH! Oh, it's you, Loony Toony!" Blitz said as he kissed her on the cheek. "I've got great news!"

"Judging from the smell, I'd say the 'great news' is you whored yourself out for enough cash?" Loona said, sniffing his clothes. "And where's your shirt?"

"Not important right now. Loony, we're rebranding this shit show!" Blitz said as he slammed the grimoire onto the desk. "No more boring old assassinations in Hell, we're going to the mortal realm!"

Loona's eyes widened in shock as she dropped her phone.

"How in the fuck…? How did you get that without losing anything besides your dignity?" she said with a slight grin.

"Not only that, but I got us a little bonus!" Blitz said as he tossed the envelope of cash onto the table. "Now, let's get ready to-"

Suddenly, the phone rang, Loona picking it up.

"Uh-huh. Yeah? Yeah, he's here." She said, putting the phone on hold. "Blitz, it's for you."

Blitz picked up the phone, curious as to who would call. This couldn't be good if his last time answering the phone was any indication.

"Hello?" He asked, wondering if it was the tax agency again.

"Why hello, my big-dicked imp." Said a familiar voice on the other line.

Blitz gulped. Had his theft been noticed?

"Stolas! H-How are you doing?" he said nervously. "Please don't talk about the book, please don't talk about that fucking book…"

"Incredible, I could barely even stand after you fornicated with me last night." Stolas's silky voice purred over the phone. "So sorry about Stella, she got exceptionally angry with me as well last night about our activities together. Thank you for such a wonderful time, I do hope the money helps your little business?"

"O-Of course!" Blitz said with a nervous grin, convinced his theft had gone unnoticed. "Pleasure doing business with you."

"The pleasure was all mine…" Stolas said with a chuckle. "…and Blitzy?"

"Y-Yes?" Blitz said with a gulp.

"Do take good care of my grimoire, it is rather important." His silky voice said with a tone that made Blitz jump. "Cheerio, my cute Blitzy. I cannot wait until the next time I feel your rock-hard *beep* inside of my *beep* and feel your claws all over my *beep* until I'm crying for your *beep*…"

Blitz heaved a sigh of relief and turned off the phone as he grimaced at the…extremely detailed…descriptions Stolas was giving. It wasn't every day you got to fuck an overlord, steal from him and then get away with it. He turned off his phone and grinned as he opened the book, reading through the runes and symbols on it.

"Just like you said yesterday Loony, we're going after whoever put these fuckers in the ground to begin with! No more boring old assassinations of demons, we're heading up top to the mortal realm!" Blitz said as Loona looked at the book in surprise, which was a new look for her. "Let's get some posters printed up and get the advertisements all over the web, we've got to film commercials, print T-shirts, get those funny little bumper stickers, we've got a business to run and I need more employees!"

"First, I'd take a shower if I were you." Loona said, sniffing his jacket. "You stink like sex, wine, and fancy-ass cake. I could smell you getting off the elevator."

Blitz chuckled to himself as he ran into the bathroom, stripping off his jacket and pants and running into the shower. He felt energized and full of ideas as he sang 'Tomorrow' from 'Annie' as the warm water ran over his body, washing away the evidence of last night's activities. His business was saved, and with Stolas still on his good side he didn't have to worry about retaliation from the other overlords. After all, none of them cared what people in Imp City did as long as they kept working with them when they needed it. Blitz remembered his dad belittling him years ago, saying he'd never make it in show business or musical theater and would never be anything besides a low-level worker at Loo Loo Land.

"Yeah, fuck you, dad!" he said with a grin as he continued humming. "Things are finally looking up…"

Well, the show business bit might be true, but his business was secure now, he was ready to hire more employees and he was sure he was about to move up in Hell to a whole new level, and all because of him taking a chance on their last resort.

The end

My first time writing for Blitz, please comment and tell me how I did!