Alone I Seem To Break
Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne.
A/N: Hello! Long time no see! I am still alive and well! Where have I been, you ask? Oh the stories I could tell you! But that's besides the point. I recently got the itch to write, but I couldn't quite settle on what to write. So I took a stroll down memory lane and began to read one of my fav fics I wrote back in the day. I was mortified. I honestly can't believe people actually liked it. Not because of the plot, but I just feel like it was so poorly written. So to scratch my writing bug, I decided to take it upon myself to re-write Alone I Stand. There will be a number of changes, very significant changes I might add. So for those of you who read the original, you will most definitely find a lot of new content in this re-write. I did change the title, just to avoid any confusion. Any ways, sit back, relax and enjoy the emotional ride of Hitomi's life post-Destiny War.
Realize that I've lost control, impulses keep flashing through my head
I'm on the outside
Take up all my life inside, why would I let them make up my mind
And be mislead
Go ahead make up your mind
I have had enough of who they want
Leave me alone
This pain inside I can't understand
This hate in life that will not go away (Go away)
Go ahead make up your mind
I have had enough of who they want
Leave me alone
Realize that I've lost control, impulses keep flashing through my head
I'm on the outside
This pain inside I can't understand
This hate in life that will not go away (Go away)
This pain inside I can not live with it
It feels like no one really understands
It's always killing me (Killing me)
The problems I face daily
It's always things that I have always take in vain
I'm sick of you judging me
I'm sick of you judging me
I'm sick of you judging me
This pain inside I can't understand
This hate in life that will not go away (Go away)
This pain inside I can not live with it
It feels like no one really understands
It's always killing me
The problems I face daily
Pain Inside by Adema
Chapter 1: Pain Inside
It had been nearly two painfully long years since Hitomi had been swept away to Gaea, an enchanting world most people would only believe existed in their dreams. It had been difficult to let go of the fantastical world, of the people she met and the dear friends she had made. There was no truly getting over what she had experienced there. All the trial and tribulations she endured had forever changed her, whether she wanted to fully admit it or not. However as much as she longed to return to that magical world, Hitomi needed to focus on her present and not dwell on the past.
After Hitomi had returned from Gaea, she had found it difficult to return to her normal life. What even was normal now? Her mind constantly wandered back to reminiscing about her experiences on Gaea. All her thoughts however always ended up at the same question, did she make the right decision? Was leaving Gaea the best choice for her? Would it have really been so bad if she had of just stayed there, stayed with Van?
She had thought, at the time, it was the best decision for her. She was only 15 and wasn't about ready to give up her family forever. If I only knew then what would happen…I would have… Hitomi thought sorrowfully to herself. Her emerald eyes gazed over the photo album that she had accidentally knocked off her desk as she was tidying up her school books.
She knelt down to pick up, her hands trembling as the memories of the past year flooded her mind. It felt like only yesterday that her world came crumbling apart. It had only been a few months since the accident, but the wounds still felt fresh. Through tear filled eyes, she stared at one of the last photos she had taken with her family. It had only been taken the previous summer when they had attended the Tanabata Festival, as they did every year.
She clutched the album close to her chest as her tears spilled down her checks in steady streams. she tried with all her might to hold back her anguish, but it was proving to be a task beyond her strength. She let out the sobs she had bottled up for so long.
Like an unwanted guest, the memories of that fateful burst to the forefront of her mind, forcing the broken shell of a girl to relive all the pain.
It had been a typical winters eve and Hitomi was alone in her bedroom trying to study for her upcoming midterms. She had long accepted that she wasn't as academically gifted as her younger brother Mamoru was proving to be. She longed for warmer days where she could throw on her running shoes and hit the track. To let the wind blow through her short, sandy blonde hair and carry away all her thoughts and worries. Running on the track was the only place where she found true peace.
However, it was much to cold to be going for impromptu runs. Not to mention, running wasn't going to help with passing her exams. Hitomi sighed loudly as she tapped her pencil on her notebook to the beat of the music coming from her earphones. She needed to focus, but her mind continued to wander back to Gaea. I should have went with them, she thought to herself as she leaned back in her chair. Her family had left for the evening, visiting with relatives as it was getting close to that wonderful time of year. Hitomi wanted to go, she hadn't seen her cousin's in what felt like years. However, she knew she needed to desperately study. She was barely passing chemistry as it was and knew she had to pass her midterm exam. She couldn't bear the thought of telling her parents that she had failed. Failure would have resulted in no more track and field, and Hitomi wasn't about to give that up.
It was almost ten o'clock and there was still no sign of her family. Hitomi didn't seem all too worried or concerned. Their aunt had often made it impossible to leave on time. She always seemed to have a knack to delaying their departure. Hitomi closed her books, giving in to her mental exhaustion. She had determined she her mind had reached it's capacity. She stretched her arms over her head and let out a long needed yawn. Sluggishly, she rose from her seat and proceeded to get ready for bed. She told herself that by the time she was done her parents would be walking through the door, bearing trays of assorted cookies courtesy of her aunt.
After she was changed, and was just beginning to turn down her comforter, her eyes caught a glimpse of the time. It had just turned eleven, much too late for her family to still not be home. She walked over to the window, pulling open the curtain. Hitomi felt a tinge of worry pull at her when she saw that their driveway was still empty. She picked up her phone from her desk, unlocking it to see if there were any missed texts. If anything had of come up, she knew she could always count on Mamoru to send her a message. But no such text existed.
She sat down on the edge of her bed before sending a text to her brother, "Hey, what's the hold up? Is Oba-san retelling one of her stories again?" She fidgeted as she waited for a response. The message had been successfully delivered but remained unread. She sent another text, "Mamoru?" and then another, "Where are you guys?" she bit her lip, her intuition was telling her something was terribly wrong.
Just as she was about to call, she saw an incoming phone call. It was from her brother! She felt a wave of relief wash over her. She pressed the answer button on the screen, bringing the phone up to her ear, "Mamoru! I was just about to call-"
She was abruptly cut off by a voice that didn't belong to her younger brother, "Is this Kanzaki Hitomi?" the strange man's voice asked.
"Y-yes." She answered promptly. "Who is this? Where is Mamoru?" she damanded.
"This is Junsa-buchō Nakamura. I'm afraid I have some unfortunate news…" Time seemed to come to a halt. The police officer's voice echoed through her head as he informed her of some grave news.
There had been an accident. She had tuned out most of the details, instead focusing on the devasting information that had been unloaded. Her mother had been killed on impact. Her father died en route to the hospital. Only her brother was left still alive, however in critical condition. After she hung up her phone, she moved in a trance like state. Her primary focus was to get to the hospital as quick as possible. Not bothering to change out of her pajamas, she simply threw on a warm coat and her running shoes. There was no point to call for a cab or bother with taking the bus. She knew she could get to the hospital faster if she just ran, and ran she did. Hold on Mamoru! I'm coming! Her mind cried out.
When she had finally arrived at the hospital, she ran up to the reception desk and struggled to find her voice. She had run so hard, that for once she was completely out of breath. Something she wasn't particularly use to feeling. She managed to blurt out a few incoherant words confusing the poor receptionist, but a nearby nurse overheard and knew exactly where Hitomi needed to be.
The nurse ushered Hitomi into an empty and secluded sitting room, telling her to take a seat and wait for the attending doctor to explain the situation. Sitting wouldn't an option for Hitomi, adrenaline was coursing through her veins. Instead she paced and a forth until the doctor arrived. The grim look on his face had said it all. She didn't need to hear his words, but he said them any ways. He told her it was highly unlikely that Mamoru would survive the night. His injuried were so severe, only a divine miracle could save Mamoru's life. Hitomi took a few deep breaths to steady herself, wiping away her free flowing tears. This couldn't be happening, she told herself.
"I am deeply sorry Kanzaki-san…" The doctor spoke kindly, bowing his head in despair. He then led Hitomi to the room where her brother was currently staying. Blood stained through the bandages wrapped around his head and limbs. She could barely look at her little brother without sobbing. The two attending nurses looked at eachother, and without saying a word left the room, leaving the siblings alone.
"Hi…to…mi…" Mamoru spoke in a soft whisper. "It…it hurts…make it stop…" his voice trembled.
"Mamoru…" Hitomi gazed at her brother in disbelief. She wasn't ready to accept her brother's fate. He was still so young, having only just begun junior high earlier that year. "Don't worry, it'll be okay." She tried to sound reassuring, she couldn't bear the thought of telling him he wasn't going to live.
"You're lying…I heard them…I know…" a sob escaped Hitomi's lips. She shut her eyes tightly and grasped hi hand, still moist with his blood. "I'll…I'll miss you 'tomi…" she shook her head. She didn't want to believe the words coming from his lips.
"You can't die!" she cried out, "I won't let you! I need you…" her voice began to break, her emotions beginning to get the better of her.
"Hitomi… I love you…" Mamoru took a final breath as his hazel eyes slowly began to close. The monitors that he had been hooked up to began to beep in a symphony of noise, declaring the little boy's life had ceased.
Hitomi shook her head no and fell to her knees sobbing uncontrollably. This isn't happening, she told herself, still clutching her brother's now limp hand. In one fowl swoop, she had lost everything in one night. Fate had dealt her sorrowful hand. She was alone, all alone.
Hitomi was brought back to her present state as the sound of the glass wind chime in her window. She slowly rose to her feet, carefully placing the photo album down on her desk. She gently closed it, wiping away some stray tears that still lingered. She made her way over to the open window, her feet feeling heavy like lead. She had dragged her chair with her, taking a seat so she could gaze up at the clear night sky. Her bloodshot eyes strained as she tried with all her might to find Gaea.
Many times she had attempted to return to Gaea, but to no avail. She could only think of Gaea as her true home and wondering why she left in the first place. It seemed to her that it didn't matter if she stayed on Gaea or not, one way or another she was bound to lose her family. Fate had seen to that. Perhaps this was her punishment for leaving. Perhaps she was meant to stay on Gaea, that she was still needed there. But her choice to leave, to selfishly choose her family cost them their lives.
"Oh Van…" she sighed, "Please…please save me…" she pleaded. No mater how many times she said it, he never answered.
Her emerald green eyes drifted from the starlit sky to her alarm clock which read two am. She took one last look at the sky before getting up, hoping maybe she'd catch a glimpse of the magical world she longed to call home.
A/N: Well, this was certainly an adventure to write! I honestly can't believe how terrible the original draft of this chapter was. But I suppose that was nearly 20 years ago. Oh lordy, I feel incredibly old now! Well, I hope you enjoyed this rewrite. I definitely enjoyed completely rewriting it! I don't know how often I'll update, but I'm hoping I can maybe get 1-2 chapters done per week.
