BURNING FLAMES OR PARADISE
CHAPTER FIVE
I WISH YOU WOULD

We're a crooked love in a straight line down
Makes you wanna run and hide


JULY 2007

"Yo, Beckett, what are you doing tonight? Wanna join us for drinks?"

Kate glanced up at her partner as she signed the last report, then shut the case folder with a resounding thud. They'd just solved one of the harder cases she'd caught in her relatively short homicide career, a double homicide of a mother and child, that had ended when the husband shot himself rather than be taken in.

Her phone buzzed before she could answer Esposito, and when she saw a text from Rick, she smirked.

I look forward to it, was his response to her previous text detailing just a few of the ways she wanted him to help her forget about the case.

She typed out a quick reply, momentarily forgetting about Espo's question until he cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry," she said, but she wasn't sorry at all. She shut off her computer and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair. "No, thanks, I have other plans."

Espo raised a brow, but didn't press. "Alright, well, have a good day off."

"See ya." She made sure the file was in her outbox before throwing her bag over her shoulder and leaving. Not for the first time, she was glad that her apartment was just a short detour off the route from the precinct to Rick's, and she could drop off her gun and freshen up before seeing him.

Not that he cared; the first time she'd gone over directly from her shift, after locking her gun in his safe, he'd brushed his thumb over her badge and, with a glint in his eye, announced that he'd been a very bad boy.

That had been the first time they'd used her cuffs.

Despite her pit stop, she was at his door in near-record time, three quick raps preceding its opening by mere moments.

"Alexis?" she gasped as he tore her sweater over her head. She grunted when he pushed her against the door and trailed his lips across her jaw.

He undid her bra with practiced ease and bent his head to taste her bare skin. He palmed her breast with a rough hand, grinned against her skin when her hips ground onto his thigh. "Sleepover."

Kate's "oh" turned into another grunt when he gripped her thigh and hiked her leg over his hip. "Perfect."


He was still awake long after she collapsed at his side, one arm bent under his head as he trailed his fingers along her arm. She looked peaceful in her sleep, her face void of the faint lines of worry that were present during the day. He wondered yet again what caused the haunted look in her eyes, the deep sighs that he wasn't sure she realized he could hear.

She was a homicide detective, that much he knew, so he was sure that she saw things daily that he couldn't imagine. But he couldn't help but wonder if that was the only thing that had shaped her character; someone with her looks and smarts likely had every opportunity to be something other than a cop, yet there she was. He wished that she opened up more, that she talked more about herself. But even when they were together, not just in bed - or against any surface - she didn't share much about herself.

They'd been a couple for just a few months, but he was smitten already. He wanted to know her story.

If only she wanted to share.

He shivered when the air conditioner kicked on, and drew the sheet to cover Kate's naked back. The next day was the Fourth of July, and she'd mentioned that she was off, so maybe he could convince her to stay at his place for the day, instead of leaving in the early hours of the morning as she usually did.

His last thought before drifting off to sleep, a hand on her back, was that maybe she'd stay until after Alexis got home, and the three of them could spend the day together, maybe watch fireworks from Battery Park. His daughter hadn't spent much time with Kate, but she adored her. And as guarded as Kate was, she got along well with Alexis.

"Rick."

He grunted, prying one eye open at the whisper in his ear. He turned to his side, squinting at the bright sun streaming through the window, to find Kate's smiling face in his line of vision. "Hey," he rasped, his voice rough with sleep, and ran a hand over his face. "What time is it?"

Kate brushed a kiss to his forehead. "Early. I'm going to head home."

"Huh?"

"Go back to sleep."

"Wait." Rick untangled his legs from the sheet and followed her out of his room, almost tripping as he tugged on his boxers. "Aren't you off today?"

She didn't stop, but retrieved her purse from where it had fallen by the coat closet. "I have some things I need to get done at home."

He caught her when her fingers curled around the door handle, and he took her hand to stop her. "I was hoping we could spend the day together."

"And do what, Rick?" she asked with a sigh. "Play Scrabble? Walk around the park?"

He shrugged. "Sure. That's what couples do, they spend time together."

"We spend time together."

"No, Kate," he argued, "we fuck. That's not a relationship. Couples talk. They know things about each other." He tugged lightly, and with a heavy roll of her eyes, she followed him into the kitchen. "I know how you like your coffee, and that you're a homicide detective. I know that when you come over and maul me, it's usually because you need to get your mind off of something. But that's it. We've been 'dating,'" he continued, punctuating the word with air quotes, "for almost four months. But sometimes it feels like we just met."

Kate narrowed her eyes at him, but sat at the breakfast bar when he pointed.

Rick flipped on the espresso maker. If she was going to leave, he'd be damn sure she'd have a great cup of coffee first. "I want to know you, Kate." He threw her a look when she started to protest. "You don't share about yourself, not like you think you do." He paused and reached for the vanilla syrup. "What's your favorite color?"

"What?"

"Mine's green."

He didn't even need to turn around to know she rolled her eyes at him. But after a few long moments, she answered.

"Purple."

"What shade? Pastel? Mauve? Violet?"

She looked down at the latte he placed in front of her, at the foam heart on the top, drew her fingers slowly around the rim. "Royal purple," she finally answered.

Rick quickly made a coffee of his own, no foam heart necessary, and propped a hip against the counter next to her. "Perfect. I like dark green. We can be bold together," he teased with a nudge of his elbow against hers.

They sipped their coffee in silence, and only when Rick saw her take her final sip did he ask the question that he'd been wondering since the day he found out her profession.

"Why'd you become a cop?"

Kate froze, her mug inches from the counter. She finally set it down, turned to Rick with a dark look on her face. "It was the right thing to do."

He started to ask again; that wasn't all, it couldn't be. He wanted to ask about the ring she wore around her neck, the man's watch on her wrist. But before he could ask again, she shut him up with a steely glare.

"Drop it, Castle."

As soon as she set her mug in the sink and turned back toward the door, he knew he lost her behind her wall once again.

"See you later."

And then she was gone.


It wasn't fair to him, she knew it. He didn't deserve to be shut out; he'd been more than patient with her, had given her space after she'd stormed out of his apartment the week before. But his frustration was starting to show in his texts, the most recent response to her inquiry about his plans that night a simple nothing.

She could suggest that they go out, or maybe she could take dinner to his place. He'd enjoyed the Chinese restaurant they'd gone to a few weeks before, on a rare date that included more than just sex. Well, he'd liked the food, anyway, even if the conversation had lagged. She'd been coming off four straight days of 12-hour shifts, but she'd canceled two dinners in a row, so she'd sucked it up that night. But she'd been quiet and withdrawn, and he'd gone back to his own apartment after walking her home.

Want to come over?

She hesitated, but after a glance around her messy apartment, she hit send anyway. Assuming he said yes, it wouldn't take her long to straighten up her small place, even though she doubted he cared.

Do you really want me to?

Her jaw dropped at his quick response. Of course she did, why wouldn't she? She'd reached out to him after most of her cases, but especially the hard ones, the ones with children or multiple victims, the ones that she took the most personally. When usually she just wanted to be alone with a hot bath and a glass of wine, or something stronger. But they'd been seeing each other for over three months, he must know-

Her heart sank when she realized that he didn't. He couldn't. He didn't know how hard it was for her to go to him when she'd rather be alone. He didn't know that it took everything in her not to spend every evening post-shift in the evidence room, studying her mom's file, even after all the therapy she'd had.

She took a deep breath before typing her reply. Maybe it was time to open up a little. To give him something, to share more about herself.

Of course I do. See you around 7?

As soon as he walked through the door, wine in hand, she knew something was wrong. The smile he greeted her with was strained, his mouth a thin line. The kiss he pressed to her cheek was brief, but missing the soft warmth she was used to. He breezed past her after toeing his shoes off, and she shut the door, followed him into her kitchen.

"What's wrong?"

He glanced at her, and she caught the brief surprise in his face before he went back to looking through her cabinets. "Just looking for the corkscrew," was all he offered.

Kate frowned and nudged him aside, opened the silverware drawer and grabbed the utensil. "That's not what I mean." When he didn't respond, just uncorked the wine and poured two glasses, she continued. "What's going on with you tonight?"

"Nothing." He drank his glass quickly, poured himself another and moved into the living room. "Nothing's going on. I just want to relax, drink some wine and spend some time with my girlfriend."

Her brows lifted at the way he said 'girlfriend,' almost sarcastic. She shrugged off the warning bells in the back of her mind and joined him on the couch, tucked her feet under herself. "Okay. How was your day?"

He shifted to face her, his arm outstretched on the back of the couch. "Fine, uneventful. Wrote a bit after getting Alexis off to a friend's house." He took a long drink of his wine. "How was yours?"

She shrugged. "Long. We spent the day preparing for trial testimony."

"We?"

"Yeah, my team and I." She dropped her cheek to the soft leather of the couch. "It's the boring part of our job."

Rick grunted and looked away. "I wouldn't know."

Kate sat up straight, unable to ignore it anymore. Something was wrong and he wasn't even trying to hide it. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, tentative, steeling herself. The air was thick with tension, and she didn't know if he was just in a bad mood or if it was something more.

Rick turned his gaze to her, his eyes dull, almost grey, missing the bright spark they usually had. "You know what I mean."

"No, I don't think I do."

He sighed. "Okay, where do I start? I hardly know anything about you, your job, your life-no, you know what? We've had this conversation before. It isn't worth it." He stood and started towards the door.

She followed him, setting her glass on the coffee table before stopping him with a hand on his arm. "What isn't worth it?" When he just slipped his shoes back on, she moved in front of him, squeezed his arm to get him to look at her. "I'm a private person, you knew that from the start," she explained, the fine hairs on his arm soft against her fingers. "I don't open up to people easily. But I'm willing to try."

Rick scoffed. "Right."

"No, I'm serious." She squeezed his arm again. "I like you, Rick, and I want this to work."

He stared at her for a few long moments, studying her, his eyes boring into hers almost uncomfortably. "Okay. Tell me why you became a cop."

She hesitated; he'd asked it the previous week as well, and obviously he'd figured out that it was a sore topic. What he didn't know was that it was the one thing she didn't tell anyone, the real reason, the one besides "to help people and get bad guys off the street." She'd tried that before but he had seen right through her, had called her out on the generic response.

He wouldn't accept it now, she could tell, but she couldn't make the words leave her mouth, couldn't bring herself to tell him about her broken path and the tragedies that had led her to the Academy.

Before she could answer, though, he shook his head and pulled his arms from her grasp. "Too late," he said. "A relationship is give-and-take. Getting to know each other, share things. Emotions, stories from childhood, favorite movies. Communication."

"Why do you care why I became a cop?"

"Dammit, Kate, because it's important to you!"

She blinked at his sudden outburst, but didn't respond, only watched as he sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.

"Sorry, I just…" He cupped her jaw, his grip light and tender despite his obvious frustration and anger. "I'm tired. Tired of wondering, of hoping that you'll open up to me someday. Tired of being disappointed when you don't." He pressed his lips to hers in a slow kiss, his tongue sweeping once against hers before pulling away. "I don't think it's going to work between us."

She closed her eyes against the rush of emotion she felt, the feeling of finality to his words. "I can try," she managed to choke out, but when he just shook his head and kissed her again, she knew it was hopeless.

"Goodbye, Kate."