What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams

And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

Do I / sit here and try to stand it?

Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can't hold on / when I'm stretched so thin

I make the right moves but I'm lost within

I put on my daily façade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

By myself myself

I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can't rely on myself

chorus:

I can't hold on

To what I want when I'm stretched so thin

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I

Turn my back I'm defenseless

And to go blindly seems senseless

If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they'll

Take from me 'till everything is gone

If I let them go I'll be outdone

But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun

If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

by myself

How do you think / I've lost so much

I'm so afraid / I'm out of touch

How do you expect / I will know what to do

When all I know / Is what you tell me to

Don't you know

I can't tell you how to make it go

No matter what I do, how hard I try

I can't seem to convince myself why

I'm stuck on the outside

By Myself By Linkin Park

Chapter 2: By Myself

The annoying buzz of the alarm clock by the bedside awoke Hitomi with a jolt from her blissful dreams; pulling her into the harsh world of reality. She slammed the palm of her hand on the clock until the irritating buzzing ceased. Groggily she rolled over onto her back, laying sprawled out in defeat. She wasn't ready for morning to come. She was having the most splendid dream.

She had dreamed she was back in Gaea once again. She had found herself walking through a field of tall grass and wildflowers. A warm gentle breeze ruffled the tresses of short hair. She closed her eyes and stretched out her arms, embracing the familiar scents. The air was crisp and refreshing, not tainted by the pollution of her home back on the Mystic Moon. "Hitomi…" her emerald eyes snapped open at the sound of Van whispering her name into her ear. She could feel his body pressed up against from behind. His well toned arms find their way around her waist, pulling her into a tight embrace.

A gentle smile crept to her lips. She felt safe in his embrace. "Van…I've missed you…"she answered back. Feeling him rest his head on her shoulder, Hitomi turned her head to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

"You can stay here," he told her, "Stay with me, Hitomi…." he had loosened his grip, enabling him to turn her body so that they were facing each other. She gazed up into his warm, mahogany eyes. How could she leave him? She closed her eyes, and let her self fall into his arms.

"Don't let me go, please don't let me go," she had begged and pleaded.

But she would have to be the one to let go. She had to wake up. She couldn't very well live out her days in her dreams. She had a life to live, or so she told herself.

Hitomi pushed away her blankets and threw her legs over the edge of the bed. She let out another yawn. She stared down at her feet, trying to find the motivation to get up. It would be much easier to just lay back down and go to sleep, her mind try to reason. She glanced at her pillow, it looked so inviting, calling her back to the land of dreams. She shook her head, no, she told herself, I have things to do.

She forced herself to stand, stretching out her arms and legs as she did so. Despite all the sleep she tended to get, she never truly felt rested. If she wasn't dreaming about Gaea, she dreamed of that terrible night. Although it had been four months since the accident that had claimed her family, the pain was still fresh.

Before leaving her bedroom, Hitomi grabbed the short blue, silk housecoat she had left on her chair. As she made her way down the stairs, she slipped on the housecoat, not bothering to tie it closed. That would have required more energy that she did not feel she had. She glanced at the calendar, noting that it was indeed Saturday.

Days were more or less a blur to her. Without her parents going through their weekly routines, Hitomi found it difficult to track the days. She went through her typical Saturday morning routine. She reminisced about the old days, Saturday mornings usually consisted of her waking to the smell of breakfast being prepared by her mother, and the wafting of the freshly brewed coffee her father enjoyed. Instead now she found herself in an empty kitchen devoid of the typical activity it was use to.

Hitomi made her way over to the kettle she had left out the night before, filled it with fresh water and brought it to a boil. She wasn't as skilled as her mother had been in the kitchen, so she resided herself to simpler meals. That morning it would be a few slices of lightly buttered toast accompanied by a cup of green tea. It wasn't the most filling meal, but it would suffice.

After she had finished with her sad excuse for a meal, she cleaned up her dishes before making her way back to her bedroom. She opened her dresser drawers, trying to find something to wear. She didn't care much for the latest fashions like her friends did. She preferred simple styles, particularly if she could pair them with some running shoes. She decided on a pair of two-toned grey leggings for her bottoms. If she needed or felt the urge to run, they wouldn't slow her down like jeans.

For her top, she contemplated for some time. Although spring was in the air, Hitomi still didn't feel completely comfortable wearing bright colours. She knew one day she would, but her heart was still heavy with sorrow. She made her way to her closet, pushing aside all her brightly colour tops. She looked over what she had left, and found just what she needed. It was a plain black top, made of a lightweight material. It was loose fitting and would serve it's purpose.

Hitomi made her way to the living room where she proceeded to tidy up. The room wasn't used nearly as much, other than as a place for her to drop off her school bag or her gym bag from track practice. It wasn't too long after she had finished putting away her things that the doorbell chimed. She took a quick glance at her watch and wondered how time had passed so quickly. She was expecting guests, but figured she had more time.

The bell chimed once again, "Coming!" Hitomi called out as she hurried down the hallway. She paused briefly as she passed the mirror in the entryway, ensuring her hair wasn't a complete mess. Satisfied with her appearance, she opened the door and invited her guests in. A small smile graced to her lips as she looked at the two young girls before her.

"Please come in," she greeted her cousins, Masumi and Emiko. Hitomi invited them in and showed them to the living room. "It seems like forever since I last saw the both of you." Although Masumi was the elder of the two sisters, she was still some years younger than Hitomi. "I can still remember when you were just knee high Masumi."

Hitomi reminisced, remembering the days she used to babysit the sisters when she was still only in junior high. It seems like a lifetime ago now, she thought sadly to herself. The sisters had both grown and changed since then. How long had it really been, she wondered, at least four or maybe five years she guessed.

"Looks like I'm finally catching up now!" Masumi replied with a grin. She wasn't quite as tall as Hitomi yet, still only standing a half foot shorter.

"Hardly," Hitomi laughed, as she too had experienced a bit of a growth spurt in the last two years. She had shot up a few inches since her freshman year of high school, much to her relief. Hitomi had worried she was doomed to inherit her mother's genes and would have stopped growing once she reached 5'4". She had easily surpassed that height to stand proudly at 5'7".

Hitomi gestured for the girls to take a seat around the kotatsu, "How old are you now?" she inquired. Her mind had been too distracted to do the mental math needed to figure out their age gap.

"This August I'll be thirteen." Masumi answered promptly and proudly.

"Thirteen already!?" Hitomi exclaimed, "I can still remember when you were just turning five...you demanded to have a Super Sentai themed party." a deep red blush crept to Masumi's cheeks. She felt embarrassed and mortified that her cousin had remembered that phase of her childhood. Emiko giggled with delight upon learning her older sister's guilty please. She made a mental note to tease her later on about it.

Detecting Masumi's embarrassment, Hitomi took the opportunity to change the topic, "So, how's school going?" she inquired.

"It's going well, but I miss elementary school… junior high is way more difficult than I was expecting." she let out a heavy sigh. "We had way less homework and I miss my old Sensei. She was so much nicer!" Hitomi suppressed a laugh, she didn't want to break the news just yet that school only continues to get more difficult.

The cousins continued to get caught up. It had dawn on Hitomi that the last time she saw them was at the funeral. She couldn't even remember if she had even spoken to them. That day had been a complete blur to her. She couldn't remember anyone's name or face. Her version of conversation had been simple yes or no answers.

Hitomi shook off the memories of that day. She wasn't about to let her emotions get the best of her. She took a deep, calming breath and forced a smile. As long as she pretended to be happy, no one would ask her to talk about her problems. She didn't want to burden them with her own pain.

In an effort to distract herself, Hitomi got up and went to the kitchen. She brought out a plate containing a colourful assortment of mochi. She had also offered them some matcha, which Masumi gladly accepted. Emiko kindly declined the offer, she hadn't yet developed a taste for it.

After they consumed the snacks provided, the three girls decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood to meet up with Masumi and Emiko's parents. Their parent's had initially dropped them off at their cousin's home so that they could run some errands nearby in peace.

"Okaa-san!" Emiko shouted excitedly when she spotted her parents. She wildly waved her hand at them, who casually waved back while they continued their conversation with one of Hitomi's neighbours.

"Are you guys done yet?" Masumi asked, "I'm supposed to be meeting Yukiko and Azumi at the movies soon, remember?" she complained.

"Yes yes, we're done." her father chided. "I suppose we should be going, dear," he said as he turned to look at his wife who rolled her eyes in annoyance. She was in the middle of catching up with an old friend.

"Alright, alright." She sighed in defeat. " Come on girls," she began to make her way towards their parked vehicle.

"Hitomi, do you have a second?" He asked of his niece, who nodded in response. He reached into the inside pocket of his blazer, pulling out an envelope. "Here, take this as a thank you for today." he handed Hitomi the envelope, inclining his head slightly.

"You really don't have to pay me, oji-san." Hitomi said, hesitant to accept the envelope.

"No, I insist." Hitomi looked at the plain white envelope, knowing full well it would contain more money than she probably deserved for watching her cousins. She relented and took hold of the envelope.

"Thank you, oji-san."

"It's not a problem, Hitomi. I know that you're going through a hard time. Please, spoil yourself with it." Hitomi smiled graciously at him and thanked him again for his kindness.

Masumi and the rest of her family left and Hitomi was once again alone. She sighed and began to walk back to her home, opting for the more scenic route. It wasn't like she was in a hurry. There wouldn't be anyone awaiting her return. Not only that, but she needed time to clear her mind. Seeing her relatives and how happy her cousins' were just added to her sorrowful mood.

She was determined not to think about her family but how could she not? Everyone around her had one; no one was alone like here. Van…I wish you were here… her gaze wandered up to the clear blue sky, wistfully searching for any signs of Gaea. You know what it's like to be alone, Van... to have no family… She clenched her hands into fists, damn it Van! Why is when I need you the most you're not here! She snapped her eyes closed, feeling the stinging of her tears begin to well up. A few tears escaped her eyelids, smoothly sliding down her cheeks.

She wiped away her tears and continued to walk at a slow, but steady pace. Her eyes drifted from the ground to the sky and back again. She looked to find something to distract her mind, to stop her from dwelling on her loss. Her head hung low under the imagined weight of her inner turmoil. She could feel her mind pulling her back into the never ending cycle or pain and sorrow. She knew she would have to pick up her pace, lest she wanted to become a sobbing mess in public.

However, a strange thing occurred. Fate apparently had different plans for Hitomi that day. She was snapped out of her thoughts at the sound of tires screeching to a halt next to her. Her eyes came to gander at the sleek red and black sports car before her. She stood there, still startled by its abrupt appearance.

When the driver's door opened, Hitomi felt her body completely freeze in place. She knew this person. But how could they be… her mind trailed off as it tried desperately to rationalize the scene unfolding before her. It couldn't be real, it had to be some sort of an illusion or hallucination. He can't be real… he can't be here… he can't…

Finding what little strength she had, Hitomi took a step backwards, her body involuntarily trembling in fear. She shook her head no, her mind still in denial as her eyes remained transfixed on the man before her.

"Well, well, well…what a pleasant surprise to finally find you, Hitomi." His voice was smooth and dripped with venom. He was very pleased to finally find the wretched witch who had cost him so much suffering. Hitomi's lips parted, but she was at a loss for words. Her mind raced, thinking desperately how to get away. She could run, but her legs didn't seem to want to move. "I must say you've been quite the mouse to chase." He took a step toward her, narrowing the already small distance. "You should be proud of yourself for eluding me for so long." his lips curled into a smirk. Oh he had been waiting for so long to inflict his terror on the witch from the Mystic Moon.

"W-what…how-?" Hitomi managed to stammer out.

"What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost, Hitomi." He sneered as he took another step towards her.

"But you're…" her voice trailed off, not sure what to say exactly. There were so many thoughts and scenarios rushing through her mind. Where to even begin, she wondered. "What… What did you do to her!?" She finally demanded from the dominating man before her.

"Oh Celena?" He raised a brow, "She's fine. She still has that pansy ass knight taking care of her."

With great determination and gathering every ounce of courage she had, Hitomi brought her eyes to finally meet with the crimson red eyes that looked down on her. "What do you want, Dilandau?" she defiantly demanded.

A/N: Oh man, you have no idea how much work went into this chapter! I almost had a panic attack when I thought I had lost all my work! Long story short, for whatever reason the file saved to my laptop and not my usb stick. I honestly thought I had lost all my changes. I wanted to cry. But all is good and well now! If I can keep this pace up, I might be able to squeeze out another chapter in a few more days.

If you're enjoying the fic, please drop me a line and tell me how you feel :) comments help motivate me.