A/N: Trigger warning. This chapter does talk and deal with suicide. You have been forewarned.
i tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
i lay dying
and i'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost?
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost?
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will i be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide
by Evanescence
Chapter 7: Tourniquet
Hitomi hardly could recall the journey home back to the Mystic Moon, her home. She imagined she must have moved like a zombie as she made her way to her bedroom. She couldn't even remember if Dilandau had said anything to her, and nor would she have cared. She collapsed to the floor of her darkened room the moment she heard the door closed behind her. She curled up her legs, hugging them tightly.
Her mind was still processing what she had been witness to. She wanted it to be just some horrible nightmare that she was about to wake up from. She dug her nails deeply into the exposed skin of her legs, but the sharp pain radiating up her legs answered her question. She was very much awake and this was no nightmare.
She felt empty, devoid of emotion. She wanted to scream and cry, to tear her room a part in a fit of rage. She knew that would be an acceptable response to what she had been through, but what was the point? It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. Van was supposed to be her saving grace. Her faith in him had been the only thing holding her together.
As dawn broke, Hitomi had not moved from her position on the floor. She had laid there drifting in and out of sleep. Everytime she closed her eyes, her mind replayed the gut wrenching scene over and over. The light peeking in through her curtains brought her attention to her clock hanging on the wall. She still had enough time to get changed and make it to school she determined, but what was the point?
Her body felt heavy and weak. She turned her head to look at her bed, which had been left neatly made. It was more inviting looking than her school uniform that hung on the back of her door. She gathered as much strength as possible, and crawled over to her bed, sliding in between the sheets. She pulled her comforter up and over her head, blocking out the light. Today she knew she couldn't face the world.
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Dilandau had awoken in a particularly good mood that morning. Watching the moon witch break and crumble before him the previous night had given him great pleasure. It had been even more satisfying than he had imagined. His goal had been achieved, he had his revenge.
He arrived at school, just in time to bump into Yukari. "Oh hey Di-kun!" She greeted him with a big smile. Her smile began to fade when you noticed Hitomi was not with him. "Where's Hitomi? I didn't see her at practice this morning…" Although the morning track practice was oppositional, Hitomi had been taking full advantage of it to get ready for competition season. Yukari reached into her pocket to check her phone and was disappointed to see no text.
Dilandau shrugged, "Don't know, she was still in bed when I left. Maybe she's taken ill," he answered as he continued on his way. Now that his revenge had been gotten, he could be done with his whole charade. He already had a new place set up and ready to go. After class, he would return to the Kanzaki home to grab his things and leave behind the broken moon witch.
Yukari, not satisfied with his answer, quickly sent Hitomi a text, "r u ok?" and accompanied it with some emojis.
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It was nearly noon when Hitomi finally decided to leave the confines of her bedroom. She needed to eat something, she knew. Even despite the fact she didn't feel hungry, she knew she couldn't just starve herself. Groggy, she made her way to the kitchen. She sighed heavily, was this really worth the energy?
She opened the fridge, hoping to find something she could just grab and go. As she examined the relatively bare shelves, she realized that wouldn't be an option. However, she did find some leftover ramen broth. It would be more work than she wanted to exert, but the grumbling of her stomach pushed her onwards.
As she heated the broth and went about prepping the noodles, she found some relief from her troubling thoughts. It was a pleasant, momentary distraction. She went back to the fridge, checking to see if there was anything she could add to liven up her meal. Not much… she thought as she scanned the shelves again. Her eyes came to a halt on a roll of narutomaki. She wasn't a huge fan of the fish cake roll, but it would be better than nothing she determined.
She set it out on her cutting board and pulled out a kitchen knife. Holding the knife in her hand, she found herself entranced by the blade. She could end her pain, she had thought. It would be so simple. Just a quick slash across her wrists. The thought had crossed her mind before, not long after the accident. But it had been her belief that Van would somehow save her that kept her going.
He was out of reach now. He didn't care about her. He had moved on. The tears she thought she had been devoid of welled up in her eyes. The pain of her heart breaking yet again was slowing over taking her. The knife trembled in her quivering hands as she brought the edge of the sharp blade to her wrist. She was done with the pain, she wanted it to end.
The sound of the front door suddenly opening pulled Hitomi out of her death trance. The knife fell from her hand, landing on the cutting board with a loud clatter. Her heart raced, she had lost track of time not realizing that her unwanted roommate would be home so soon. She fumbled with the knife and quickly cut a few slices of the narutomaki before returning the roll to the fridge.
She hurriedly finished making her bowl of ramen before retreating to the safety of her room, leaving behind a mess of dishes in the kitchen. She couldn't bring herself to face Dilandau. The last thing she wanted to see is the smug look on his face. He had won and she knew he wasn't beneath gloating.
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Upon Dilandau's return to the Kanzaki home, he watched the moon witch scurry away at the very sight of him. He smiled, pleased with himself. He made his way to his room, where he went ahead with beginning to pack his few belongings. He hadn't brought much with him when he initially moved in. The majority of his belongings he had left in storage as he knew his stay would only be temporary.
After little over an hour had passed, he was more or less finished. He looked at the time and debated whether to expedite his departure. He had no use for the moon witch any longer. He'd had his fun, he had crushed her spirit. He sat down on his futon and rested his back up against the wall. He hated to admit it, but he was going to miss his daily sessions of tormenting her. He enjoyed watching her get worked up and eventually blowing up at him. It was pathetic, but he found it to be highly entertaining.
He looked at the small pile of boxes, deciding that one more night wouldn't hurt. He would be sure to torment her one last time before he left in the morning.
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Hitomi was only able to bring herself to eat a fraction of her ramen. Her appetite just wasn't quite there. She still felt sick to her stomach from the whole ordeal. There were a fleury of questions spinning around her head. "Why Van…?" Hitomi asked as she gazed up at the ceiling while she laid on her bed. "Why…?" her voice began to crack as she tried to hold back her tears.
She rolled onto her side, clutching herself tightly. Why was fate toying with her? What had she done to deserve all this pain and suffering. Why did it seem like she was being punished? What did I do…? The question lingered in her mind. Was it because she had tried to control fate in the past? Was it all the tarot readings and dowsing that had doomed her to this fate? She would never know.
Fate was a cruel mistress. It was sick and twisted in the way it had tortured and tormented her. Cutting her off from Gaea, taking away her family, dangling hope before her only to rip it away. She's had enough.
Hitomi laid in her bed, not bothering to even try to sleep as the day had turned to night. She was firm in her resolve. She wouldn't be fate's plaything for much longer.
When morning had broken, Hitomi was already wide awake. She knew what she needed to do. She had thought out her plan thoroughly throughout the night. As she stood up, her eyes caught the flickering on a light from her phone. She picked it up and unlocked it to see a series of missed texts from her friend. Yukari… she scrolled through the messages feeling a pang of guilt. Deciding she should at least say something, she went about writing a short text:
"Yukari, you've been a good friend to me. Don't forget that. This isn't your fault. I'm sorry. Good-bye"
She hit send, feeling the guilt fade away from her already heavy heart. She placed her phone down and made her way to the bathing room. Before proceeding to the tub room, she stopped to grab something out of the cabinet over the sink. It was her father's double edged razor.
Once in the tub room, she carefully closed the door behind herself and sat down on the small plastic stool. She kept her mind focused on her task at hand. She wouldn't allow for any distractions to sway her from her resolve. With great care, she disassembled the razor and carefully held the small, sharp blade in her fingers.
She closed her eyes and took in a deep calming breath. There was no going back, she told herself. She had to make it count. She pressed the edge of the cold blade against the delicate skin on her wrist. In a quick motion she slash open her skin, cutting down to her vein. She continued to focus on her breathing, not daring to open her eyes. She diligently put the blade in her other hand and repeated the process on her other wrist.
"Mom… dad… Mamoru… I'll be joining you soon…." she whispered as she felt her blood slowly drain seep out of her wrists and begin to pool around her feet. She leaned backwards, her head beginning to feel light. Death was upon her and she welcomed it with open arms.
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A/N: ooooohhhh boy….. This was actually very difficult for me to write. Mainly as it brought up a lot of old memories for myself. I had to go to a very dark place in my mind that I hadn't visited in a very long time. Before you ask, no I never once actually attempted suicide. I had thought about it a lot however when I was much younger. And as tempting as it was to just end it all, I knew i couldn't put my family through that pain. I understood how much it hurt to lose someone you love. I didn't want them to suffer that same pain. In all seriousness, no matter how low you get and feel, don't be afraid to reach out for help. Don't be afraid to talk to someone. You are not alone.
