I've stretched myself too thin
Tried to be everything
Don't know how to love
I care way too much
I need a thicker skin
To let nobody in
Don't know how to guard
My tears and my loss

Dark nights the silence eats me up, but
Day comes and everything's enough

I'm free but I'm fragile
I'm happy but I'm worried
I'm set up but I'm so afraid
I get pins and needles
When I think about it
It catches me everyday
I've got scars on my soul
That I'm scared to show
I cried in the morning
But you'd never know
I should let it be
It's just my insecurities
I should let it be
It's just my insecurities

I tried to raise my voice
Get clouded by the noise
Tripped up more than twice
Those fools taught me right
I bared my naked soul
All of my painful flaws
Wish I could open up
Take in the love

Dark nights, the silence eats me up, but
Day comes and everything's enough

Oh I'm free but I'm fragile
I'm happy but I'm worried
I'm set up but I'm so afraid
I get pins and needles
When I think about it
It catches me everyday
I've got scars on my soul
That I'm scared to show
I cried in the morning
But you'd never know
I should let it be
It's just my insecurities
I should let it be
It's just my insecurities

Every freckle on my skin has a reason
Every scar that I have was worth bleeding
Every curl on my head is a treasure
And little by little, I get better, whooo...

I'm free but I'm fragile
I'm happy but I'm worried
I'm set up but I'm so afraid
I get pins and needles
When I think about it
It catches me everyday
I've got scars on my soul
That I'm scared to show
I cried in the morning
But you'd never know
I should let it be
It's just my insecurities
I should let it be
It's just my insecurities
I should let it be
It's just my insecurities

By Jess Glynne

Chapter 15: Insecurities

The walk back to the ryokan had been a relatively quiet one. Hitomi followed closely behind Dilandau as he led the way back through the long and winding path. The deafening silence between them forced Hitomi to listen to the on-going debate brewing deep within her mind. She still hadn't settled the matter of the incident in the shrine. She wanted it to be just a dream, but it was far too vivid and felt too real. She knew the obvious answer was staring her in the face. As much as she wanted to deny it, it had to be a vision. What it was trying foretelling her, she couldn't quite figure it out.

Hitomi gave her head a little shake, moving onto the other more recent matter at hand; her encounter with Dilandau in the onsen. Witnessing the naked male form in person was very different than what she had imagined. She reminded herself that up until that very moment, her only idea of what they actually looked like was based solely on illustrations in her school textbooks. His pale skin had given off an alluring glow in the moonlight, accentuating his well toned physique. Her cheeks began to flush once again as she recalled briefly catching sight of his manliness. Just forget about it! She scolded herself for becoming transfixed on that particular detail.

The battle ground that was her mind proved to be more distracting than she thought. Instead of keeping her gaze downwards, watching her steps, it had risen to stare at Dilandau as she led the way. His silver hair glimmered in the pale moonlight, catching her attention like a moth to a flame. Allowing her gaze to drift upwards would become a decision she would quickly come to regret. Her heel clipped the edge of the stone step, throwing her balance off. In her attempt to over correct her misstep, she felt her ankle twist sharply causing an intense jolt of pain to course through her limbs. She let out a shriek of pain as her body began to fall forward.

Dilandau whirled around promptly to catch the falling girl. "I warned you to watch your step." he told her in a condescending tone. Hitomi bit her lip, holding back the urge to give him a piece of her mind. It was technically all his fault for their current predicament, she wanted to tell him. She gripped tightly onto his arms as she tried to straighten herself up so they could continue on their way.

Hitomi warily attempted to bear weight on her foot. She knew it was twisted but was determined to not have to rely on him further. As long as the pain wasn't too unbearable she reasoned she could make it back. Luck however would most certainly not be on her side that night. The moment she tried to place a bit of weight on her throbbing ankle, a surge of pain shot up her leg.

"Shit!" she groaned through her clenched teeth, taking the weight off her foot. Sheepishly she lifted her head to look up Dilandau, who was still holding on firmly to her arms. "I… I think I sprained my ankle…"

He rolled his eyes, and released her arms before turning his back towards her. He crouched down, "Get on." he ordered her. She stared at him at a loss for words. "Well? What are you waiting for?" he looked over his shoulder wondering what the hold up was.

"I'll be fine… We'll just have to go slower is all…" she let out a nervous laugh.

Dilandau wasn't buying any of it. "Get on or if you'd rather I could throw you over my shoulder. The choice is yours." He was beginning to lose his patience with her. He couldn't understand how she could persistently be so stubborn. He just wanted to get back to the Ryokan sooner than later, even if that meant forcibly carrying her over his shoulder.

Flustered with the choice given to her, she eventually relented. "Fine," Hitomi huffed, reluctantly climbing onto his back. It was the preferred option of the two. She draped her arms loosely around his neck as his arms wrapped around her legs. So much for distancing myself from him… Why can't I escape it? Why is it we keep getting pushed into each other's lives?

When the lights of the ryokan finally came into view, Hitomi found herself feeling a sense of relief wash over her. Their awkwardly silent trek was finally coming to an end. She could soon retreat back to her room and rest her poor, throbbing ankle.

Dilandau ignored her protests when he refused to let her down when they had reached the entrance to the residential wing. He had understood the severity of her injury the moment it occurred in the woods. Her shriek of pain had cut through the silent air like a knife. The way she had clung to him, and her failed attempt to mask her pain revealed all. He wasn't about to allow her to hobble about the ryokan looking like a fool. He may have been cruel, even heartless in the past, but that wasn't who he was now. He was no longer going to allow his past to define his future. He didn't need to be that person anymore.

The purpose of his impromptu training excursion hadn't been to just physically train himself. Since becoming involved in her life, he had begun to question not just his motives but who he was. He thought he knew the answers to all those questions, but she had changed all that.

He thought that if he could distance himself from her, he would gain some much needed clarity. However it seemed that fate had a different plan for him. Despite his best efforts, their paths continued to converge. Their lives had become undoubtedly intertwined.

Dilandau tightened his grip on her legs and carried on, "You really don't need to do this," Hitomi said, objecting to his insistence. "It's already feeling much better." she lied while gritting her teeth. It wasn't that she felt necessarily embarrassed by her predicament, she just didn't want to be more of a burden.

Dilandau simply ignored her, "Which one is your room?" he asked after he rounded the corner.

"The second on the left," she reluctantly answered. Dilandau continued down the hallway, coming to a stop at the entrance to her room. He reached to open the door, and as he expected it was unlocked. "Okay, okay, thanks for getting me back, but I think I can manage from here." Hitomi tried to wriggle free of his hold, which did not loosen. Why won't he let me go?! She wondered.

Defying her wishes, he entered her living quarters and set her down on the steps inside to give her the opportunity to remove her shoes. She easily removed her left shoe, but momentarily hesitated before beginning to unlace her right shoe. Hitomi winced as the pain in her ankle seemed to intensify as she carefully removed the shoe. She pulled down her sock to better examine her ankle. As she assumed, it was fairly swollen but was relieved to not see any bruising.

"Well it's not as bad as I thought…" Hitomi remarked as she continued her examination. She gently poked and prodded at the swollen lump on her ankle, trying to determine the severity of the sprain. "I might only have to take a week off of running..."

"Here," Dilandau broke her concentration, she turned towards his direction to see him holding out an ice bag.

When did he…? She stared for a long moment at the bag before finally taking hold of it. "T-thanks…" She made an attempt to get up, but she was denied the opportunity. Dilandau knelt down and swiftly lifted her up, cradling her in his arms. "H-hey!? What do you think you're doing!?" She flailed her arms about, dropping the bag of ice in the process.

Dilandau ignored her thrashing and carried her over to the bed, setting her down gently. What's gotten into him? Why is he acting so….so nice? Hitomi wondered as she watched him reach for the bag and hand it back to her. She took hold of the bag once again, feeling bewildered by his behaviour of the night.

Dilandau took her silence as his cue to leave. He rose to his feet and took a step towards the door but was stopped by her softly calling out his name "Dilandau…" she began, not sure where she was going with what she wanted to say. "Why… why are you being so kind to me?" She looked up at him, searching his deep crimson eyes for the answer he couldn't verbalize. "You could have just left me. You didn't have to go out of your way to do all this." she gestured to the bag of ice which she had resting on her ankle.

He averted his gaze from her, looking back towards the door. He wished he knew the answer, not for her sake but for his as well. He couldn't explain it as he barely understood his own actions. He closed his eyes, searching his mind for the answer. Trust your heart… he clenched a fist tightly as he heard the echoes of Celena's voice in his mind. Although they no longer shared a vessel, remnants of her still lingered deep within him.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! He squeezed his eyes closed as his mind angrily shouted back. You're not here… you're not here… he tried to remind himself she was gone, that she couldn't interfere. You know the answer Dilandau… you have all along… his eyes slowly opened as he brought his gaze to meet Hitomi's.

The answer had been there all along, staring him in the face. She reminded him so much of her, of Celena. Long before their fates were altered and their spirits merged, they had been just two children with the unfortunate luck to cross paths with Ziabach operatives. She had given him comfort in those dark days, and he had vowed to be her protector.

The tension coursing through his body ceded at his realization. The answer had been so simple all along. Finding the courage to speak, he finally answered "You remind me of her…"

"Her?" Hitomi questioned.

"Celena." when he spoke her name, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his soul. His body moved on its own volition, seating himself on the floor next to the bed, "I don't know what it is but you remind me of her." There was something freeing about finally acknowledging the truth. "You're stubborn just like she was… she didn't want them to think she was weak." A slight smile tugged at his lips as he recalled the young Celena's attempts to prove she wasn't afraid of the scientists. "I have to be brave…brave enough until my big brother comes and saves me…" he could still vividly remember her every word she spoke. "She was foolish to think that way. Her so-called bravery is what doomed her."

Hitomi sensing the sadness and despair in his voice, found herself being pulled into his tale. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but held back. "I told her I would protect her. She didn't need to be brave. But she… she said if she gave into her fear she would lose hope of escaping." Dilandau stared downward, his fingers absentmindedly tracing the seam of the tatami mat. "I had tried to save her by volunteering for their experiments. It worked most of the time except for their final experiment…" His voice trailed off as the memories of that fateful morning flooded his mind.

"So you want to protect her?" a tall, clocked scientist chuckled as he watched the young silver haired boy stand defiantly before him with his arms stretched out. "Oh we have arranged that on a more permanent basis." he cackled maniacally and gestured for the guards to grab both children. They creamed and thrashed about, trying to fight them off despite knowing it would be futile.

"Their final experiment was to merge our souls into one, forcing us to fight each other for control of a single body. They wanted to see which of us was superior, who had the greater fighting spirit." he paused for a moment to slightly reposition himself into a more comfortable sitting position. "We had made a pact that I would be the one to control us. To take all the pain and do their bidding. And it worked for sometime until one night she overtook me."

Dilandau reached out and clasped onto Hitomi's forearm, gently turning it to expose her wrist. His thumb softly caressed her nearly healed scar. The feeling of his warm hand touching her cool skin sent a shiver up her arm. "She tried to stop our pain, our suffering. She couldn't live knowing what we were doing." With his free arm, he brought it up to expose his own wrist to her.

Hitomi's eyes widened as she caught sight of the faint scar marring his pearlescent skin. Is that… is that why he saved me? She wondered, her eyes remaining fixed on his wrist. She found herself drawn to his scar, her fingers reaching out to brush across it gently. It didn't feel nearly as defined as her own. Time had softened it, smoothing out its rough edges leaving behind a faint iridescent line.

Her heart began to feel weighed down and heavy as she tried to imagine what sort of horrors they had to endure to push someone so young to the precipice of life and death. Her problems suddenly began to seem so small and insignificant compared to his. Dilandau pulled his attention from her scar to his own, "After that, they tried to remove her. When they realized they couldn't reverse the process, they performed more of their experiments to seal her."

"I'm sorry… I didn't know…" Hitomi spoke softly, her voice almost a whisper.

He released her wrist and pulled his arm away from her, "I really don't know why I told you all that," he leaned back trying to create some distance between them, feeling a slight tinge of embarrassment after revealing so much about his past. He acknowledged there wasn't a need to, but he found the words had just come forth naturally.

Feeling he had long overstayed his welcome he decided it was about time he left. Without saying a word, he swiftly stood up leaving behind a stunned and speechless Hitomi. When she heard the door close, she was snapped out of her trance-like state. What… what just happened…?

She laid back on her bed, her heart racing wildly as she stared up at the ceiling while her mind spun around in circles. Her perception of him had been dramatically altered that night. Knowing what he had to endure, his pain, his sacrifice, his trials and tribulations, she couldn't look at him the same way.

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A/N: Well this isn't at all how I planned this chapter to go. This was all supposed to be a much shorter part of a much longer chapter. But then I was hit with some inspiration! I know it's on the short side, but with what I have planned next, I wanted to keep it separate.

I originally wasn't planning to touch on Dilandau & Celena's past until a future chapter, but it just seemed to work really well with the scene I had created here. It was really a challenge to hold back. I was VERY tempted to do other things here and it could have worked but then… then possibly the next chapter wouldn't have worked out as well. Don't want to go into too many details because spoilers ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hope you're all enjoying! There might not be a chapter next week. It's all going to depend on how my work week goes. Lot's of changes going on at work this week so my motivation might not be there? Plus the next chapter is gonna be the long awaited festival!