Enargeia : Bright, Unbearable Reality

x


Neku sat at his desk in his room, in an apartment he never rented, paid for by a job he'd never attended. According to the schedule texted to his phone, his next shift was two days from now. He reclined slowly in his chair, gazing at the ceiling.

The room was a lot like the one he remembered from highschool, when he was living with his mom in their tiny apartment. His art supplies were scattered about, tarps stuffed under the bed and spray cans filling cardboard boxes to keep his mess from spilling over into haphazard. His closet was full of Gatto Nero clothing, some gifted to him by Shiki and Eri as a 'Welcome Home' gift, others having already been there when he got here. There were other clothes too, outfits that were not too small for him, three years after he'd last needed them. If he opened one of the drawers on his desk, he'd find the collection of pins he'd never bothered to dispose of, thanks to the niggling feeling in the back of his head that he might need them again someday. He snorted softly.

"Whole lot of good that did."

"It's best to be prepared for all outcomes, don't you think?" Joshua giggled, and Neku craned his head back to see the boy- man, now - sitting on his bed. His legs were crossed, leaned back on his hands, a smug expression Neku couldn't forget if he tried plastered on his face. Joshua looked so different from the last time Neku had seen him. Taller, so much more adult, but besides appearances… not much had changed.

"Would've been nice if I'd had a chance to grab some before I got tossed back into the Underground." Neku mused, spinning his chair around to face the bed. As he did, he was suddenly aware of just how small his room was, and how little space there was between them. When was the last time he had been alone with Joshua? It had been a little over a month since they'd last talked, but with the very existence of Shibuya at stake, and the chance to finally return to the RG after three years, their 'reunion' had been a bit… lackluster.

Three years. That number kept circulating in his mind. Three years of his life, without his friends. People he'd made unbreakable bonds with, whom he'd thought he'd be spending the rest of his days alongside… only to be ripped away from them a few short months after they'd been returned to life. Sure, it had been for some 'greater good', and Neku didn't regret being able to learn about Shinjuku, and of course saving Shibuya, but… He was still processing being back. He really wasn't sure if it helped that no one else outside of his friends even remembered he'd been gone.

"It's not much different than when you came back the first time, you know." Joshua said.

"Still reading minds, I see." Neku gave him a sour look, though he wasn't surprised.

"Your thoughts are difficult not to read, Neku. Without those headphones of yours, they tend to broadcast rather clearly." Joshua chuckled. Neku reached for his ears self consciously. It sure had been a long time since he'd had those… "I changed the world to erase your absence before, it's the same sort of scenario this time around."

"Three weeks is one thing. Three years is a lot of time to just… change." Neku's brow furrowed.

When he'd first come back, it was as if he'd never died. Those three weeks he'd been gone had been filled in in the minds of everyone around him. As far as they knew, he'd gone about his days as normal, going to school and coming home, no detours to the Underground. It was the same for the others, with the exception that this new reality hadn't completely stuck for Eri- she'd still had recollections of a world where Shiki died, couldn't shake the feeling that she had nearly lost her for good.

It had been useful, then. No need to explain to his mother what had happened, no stress over worrying her with his death and disappearance. She'd been a bit confused by his sudden change in demeanor, but she'd been happy too, to see him more outgoing, staying out with friends instead of wandering the city alone after school. Three weeks was nothing. Three years…

"It might help if you tried leaning into things a bit more, you know." Joshua said. His voice was uncharacteristically gentle. Neku pursed his lips. The memories from this new timeline were present in his mind. They were fuzzy around the edges, with only certain moments being vivid enough for him to make out, almost like a dream. If he reached into them, took them into himself, he could almost pretend he'd actually lived them… But the memories of that fateful day, being shot by Coco, being spirited away to Shinjuku and being trapped there for ages; they were superimposed over everything. Even if he embraced this altered reality, he would never be able to forget what really happened.

"It just… feels wrong. These memories, they're not really mine. It doesn't feel right to just act like the last three years never happened." He sighed.

"They are your memories, though. Technically speaking." Joshua lifted one of his hands, twisting a curl around his finger, just like he always did. Neku had always wondered if it was a tic he'd picked up to annoy others, or a genuine nervous habit. Joshua lowered his head slightly, gazing at Neku with an intensity he'd only seen a few times during their week together. "Just a different version of you is all."

"What do you mean?" Neku frowned, perplexed. Joshua smiled almost coyly.

"I took some notes from some other universes. Alternate timelines, you could say. A world where none of this happened. Where you never went to Shinjuku, where Shibuya wasn't threatened a second time."

Neku almost snorted.

"'Went' to Shinjuku? That's a funny way of putting it." He smirked.

"How would you prefer I put it? Sent to?" Josh cocked his head, in a manner that was almost playful. There was something incredibly nostalgic about it, but Neku couldn't tell if it was from his own lifetime, or from the ones implanted in this world.

"Tossed into? Banished to? Something that sounds a bit less like I was just taking a vacation?" He raised an eyebrow. Joshua shrugged, a small smirk still on his lips.

"Details. As I was saying, I looked at realities where none of this happened, and I altered Shibuya's reality to fit it. It wouldn't do to have you magically appear out of nowhere after being gone for three years."

"Altered reality…" Neku frowned, his gaze falling somewhat. He'd already known that was what had happened, but hearing it put in such straightforward terms was somewhat unnerving. He'd known Joshua could do that since the first time he'd come back from the UG, and it stood to reason he did the same thing for every Player who won the Game and chose to get a second shot at life. You couldn't have people periodically coming back from the dead one week later with no explanation. It just hadn't occurred to Neku that Joshua's powers could extend so far back in time. It had never occurred to him just how powerful Joshua actually was.

"I thought you'd prefer to get back to your life as soon as possible." Joshua shrugged again. "I figured it would be easiest to adjust if you could pick up somewhere as if nothing happened."

"Nothing didn't happen though. A lot happened." Neku said earnestly. "I've missed so much. I didn't graduate highschool. I never applied to college, much less got in. I didn't get this job, this isn't my apartment, not really. I didn't spend the last three years with my friends, just being a kid and having fun-" Neku inhaled sharply, forcing himself to stop now, knowing if he didn't he might break down. He bit his lip.

It hurt. A part of him wanted to blame Joshua for all of it. It would be easier that way, to just hate him, for giving him a second chance at life and then taking it away again so quickly. But he knew it wasn't that simple- it never was, especially with Josh. He felt his face crumple, as he turned away, back to his desk.

"Don't… get me wrong. I'm glad I was able to help with Shinjuku. I'm glad I could help protect Shibuya. I appreciate you saving me, even if you did have your own agenda." He exhaled heavily, but it still felt like the weight of the city was pressing atop him. "It's just hard. Coming back and seeing a world where everything's carried on like I never left, and knowing I'll never get to actually experience these things that everyone remembers."

Joshua was silent, for once. If not for the unmistakable feeling of a Higher Being sitting a couple feet away from him, Neku might have thought he had left. When he turned his head though, Joshua was still there, sitting on his bed. His mouth was a tight line. Neku couldn't read his expression that well, but if he had to compare it to anything, he would say it almost looked like guilt. Almost.

"Would you have preferred to explain your absence to the world?" He asked plainly. There was no accusation in his voice, only genuine curiosity. "I could undo it. The alterations. The aftermath, though… it would be messy." He frowned, his brow furrowing slightly. "Your schooling, your living situations, your employment, not to mention your familial-" He cut himself off suddenly, forcing a small smirk back to his face. "Obviously, it's up to you. As I've been told, it's your life- you get to decide what you do with it."

Neku stared at him, incredulous.

"You would… do that?" He asked. He was sure the look on his face must have been dumbstruck, judging by Joshua's curious amusement. "I mean… You would just… turn it back and undo it, if I asked?"

"Don't look so shocked, Partner." Joshua giggled, almost fondly. "As much as it pains me to say it, I think we can both agree I owe you more than just one." Beneath his smile, there was an unshakeable melancholy. That almost guilt was seeming closer and closer to the real deal. "I altered reality in this way because I thought it would be the best course of action, but if you aren't satisfied with it, I can give you other options. It is… The least that I can do for you." His gaze and voice were both more serious than Neku could recall ever seeing it. At least, in his true memories. In these new ones, these memories from 'another' him…

"Could that have been us?" He asked quietly. Joshua raised an eyebrow.

"What are you referring to?"

"The worlds you took these memories from… where we all just hang out after school, and grow up together… Where you're there." He couldn't describe the pang in his chest, this awful longing for something that he had never experienced, yet now lived in his memories. Joshua's expression faltered. He suddenly looked as though it were a challenge to meet Neku's eyes.

"That's the whole idea of alternate universes, you know. There are infinite possibilities out there. The fact that it exists is proof that under different circumstances, yes. That could have been a reality in this plane." He explained in a measured voice, keeping himself distanced from the true weight of Neku's question. Neku nodded.

"You know… I waited for you." He said, quietly. "I know I didn't have as much time as the me from these memories, but I did wait for you." It was difficult to think back to that time now, when everything that had happened never would have registered as a possibility in his mind. When he thought that he was done with the Reaper's Game and the Underground, even with the itching feeling that he hadn't quite escaped it yet. These new memories only made it harder to parse what had actually happened, what he'd actually felt. But even so, he knew he would have continued to wait, he'd been given the chance.

Joshua's face was unreadable. There was a nearly imperceptible twist in his expression, something akin to pain, and Neku wondered if he too felt the longing for things that simultaneously had and hadn't happened. What was it like, to sift through so many realities, see all the things that could have been if you had only done things differently? To see all of the opportunities you had missed, to know they would never be yours now? Neku was struggling with just one new lifetime being uploaded into his mind. What was it like to sift through an infinity of them?

Joshua was a god, far more powerful than Neku could fully comprehend, but he had proven time and time again that he was still human. He had returned Neku and all of his friends to life, even Sota and Nao. He had protected him from being taken advantage of by the Shinjuku Reapers, kept his Soul safe, even if he'd had other motivations as well. Neku knew he'd given Shoka a second shot at life too. In spite of his role as Composer, in spite of his smug aloofness, Joshua cared more than he would ever admit. It was why Neku still trusted him, after all.

"Would you have come? Like in these memories?" He asked gently. Joshua frowned, slightly.

"There are infinite possibilities out there, Neku. Who's to say what I would have done?" He chuckled, no heart in it. Beneath his lilting tone was something approaching apologetic. "The past is past now. It isn't a choice I had the luxury of making."

Neku didn't say anything. He watched him in silence, waiting. He wasn't sure what for. Joshua waited as well, as the silence between them swallowed the room, the sounds of the city filtering in to fill the space. After what felt like eons, Joshua chuckled softly.

"There are plenty of realities where I didn't come to see you, you know. And many where I wasn't able to." He glanced aside, unable to hold Neku's gaze. "I could have chosen any of those to supplant your memories. And perhaps I should have. But, I was feeling selfish."

Neku felt himself cracking a small smile.

"You? Being selfish?" He raised an eyebrow. "Now that's out of character."

Joshua laughed, just a little.

"I know. What can I say? After everything, I didn't want to give you an excuse to forget about me." He chuckled, but there was a note of bitterness to his voice, hidden behind the smug playfulness Neku had grown so accustomed to. He frowned, remembering Joshua's question, when he had asked if he could go home. Asking if he wouldn't rather stay in the UG, and become Composer. At the time, Neku had chosen not to dwell too much on that proposition. He hadn't had the energy, mental or physical, to delve into what Joshua was really asking him. Even afterward, as it floated in the back of his mind, Neku had been content to leave it there while he battled with the new reality he was living in. He sighed.

"You really haven't changed much, huh?" He rose from his seat. Joshua looked up, more curious than confused- until Neku plopped down on the bed beside him. His eyes widened, ever so slightly, his expression desperately trying to become unreadable once more. Neku had gotten pretty good at reading Joshua, though. "I know I left the UG, but that doesn't mean I'm leaving you." He smiled. The look on Joshua's face then… In Joshua's own words, it was priceless.

"My, my… three years away and you've developed quite the ego, haven't you?" Joshua giggled, an almost flawless imitation of amusement and carelessness. But his eyes were still wide, resisting the urge to glance aside, and there was still the smallest bit of color to his cheeks.

"You said so yourself… You could have chosen any of those realities where we didn't keep in touch, but you chose one where we did." Neku smiled. "And you just so happened to magically appear in my room uninvited, to calm my nerves."

"I take offense to that," Joshua snorted, despite himself. "My presence has never been calming."

Neku laughed out loud at that.

"God, I missed you."

At that, Joshua's expression fell apart. The same yearning Neku had felt seemed visible in his eyes, a painful desire for things that weren't.

"You don't mean that." Joshua chuckled softly. His confidence had weakened, the smug and airy demigod now an ordinary human, if only for a moment.

"Of course I do. I missed all my friends." Neku smiled. Even when he'd been at his lowest points in the last three years, wondering what all of this was for, he'd still trusted that Joshua was doing what he could. He had still held onto that goal, of seeing them all at Hachiko someday. All of them. "Even if it's all a lot to take in, I really am glad to be back."

He leaned against Joshua, resting his head on his shoulder. Joshua stiffened at the contact, but he didn't pull away. They sat like that for a moment, while Neku just breathed- relishing the fact that he actually needed to, after so long. Relishing the closeness to another person. Someone he'd never been sure he'd get the chance to talk with again.

"You never answered my question, you know." Joshua spoke, after a few minutes of silence had settled between them. "Did you want me to change things? It wouldn't take much."

Neku sat up, so that he could look at Joshua properly. It still felt strange to see him like this, grown up just like him. It felt strange to consider himself grown up. He wondered if Joshua had taken this form to match him and the others, or if this was what he normally looked like.

"Nah. It'll take some time to get used to, but… I think I can handle it."

Neku didn't want to put his mother through the trauma of thinking he was dead for three years, only for him to come back and not be able to tell the truth about what happened. Plus, it was kind of nice to not have to worry about re-establishing his existence here. He would probably struggle a bit adjusting to college after such a long 'vacation' from school, but it was better than having to go back to highschool and work his way up from there. Joshua had set him up surprisingly well.

And besides that… Even if these memories weren't his own, there was still something precious in them. Knowing what could have been. Having something to build his future off of. Just because he had been given a delayed start, it didn't mean he couldn't still make the most of his life now.

"Are you sure? I'm afraid I can't promise the offer will remain open forever, Neku." Joshua warned. Neku smiled.

"I'm sure."

Joshua seemed to study him for a moment, before his face softened, a small smile returning.

"You really are an interesting person, Neku Sakuraba."

"Guess you know how to pick'em." Neku mused.

Joshua stood up suddenly, stretching out.

"Well… Now that that's settled, I suppose I should be taking my leave. As much as I'd love to catch up some more, Shibuya's Game is in need of some serious cleaning up." Joshua smirked. There was still a bit of pink to his cheeks that had yet to leave. Neku gave him a gentle smile.

"Yeah, I'll bet… If there's anything you know how to do, it's bring a city to the verge of destruction." He smirked teasingly.

"I'll have you know I was only indirectly responsible this time around, thank you very much." Joshua smirked right back. "I hope that you enjoy your life, Neku. You've more than earned it."

Joshua began to glow subtly, and suddenly, Neku shot out his hand, grabbing Josh by the wrist. The glow faded abruptly, as Joshua stiffened once again, looking at Neku like a deer caught in headlights. Neku almost let go, startled by his reaction. He hadn't realized just how unused Joshua was to being touched.

"L-Listen," He said, recovering from his surprise. "I know you've got some messes to take care of, but… don't be a stranger, okay?"

Joshua stared at him, utter confusion in his eyes, and a small and desperate piece of hope.

"Neku…" He started, but Neku didn't let him finish.

"We're going to be meeting up at Hachiko this weekend. Rindo and his friends will be there too. I think you'd really like them. Especially Fret and Shoka." Neku smiled, still holding onto Joshua. Some part of him, the same part that had reached out so suddenly, was terrified that if he let go, it would be the last he would ever see of him. "I don't know if you got my invitation last time, so… See you there?"

Joshua closed his eyes for a moment. Neku couldn't decipher his emotions this time. But when he opened them again, he was smiling softly.

"See you there."


x

Hey there, FFN. Been a pretty long time since I posted anything here- especially anything TWEWY related. As I'm sure you know if you still follow TWEWY, the sequel came out recently, and it was pretty amazing. It did leave me feeling a bit let down with the fates of the main cast between the two games though, and I was a bit underwhelmed by Joshua and Neku's reunion after all that time. So, I wanted to write a little something to tie up some of the things I felt didn't get delved into to my liking.

TWEWY is a game that's been so important to me over the years. I wasn't sure if we would ever really get a sequel, and even as I defeated the final boss, I was still struck with a feeling of 'I can't believe this game is real'. It amazes me that after all this time a story that resonated with me so deeply and gave me so much emotion over the years finally has a continuation. I know it wouldn't have been possible for the game to meet my expectations 100%, but for what it as, it was amazing, and I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to play it and experience it as it came out.

Thank you to the people who have read my TWEWY fics over the years. I appreciate you.