Ethan had just gotten out of Luiza's house and was mad as hell now. Although earlier he had been sitting on the toilet having a laugh at his situation, he finally realized that this whole thing was just a big huge mess. Chris stole his daughter and (hopefully) unintentionally made him have to fight these hideous monsters in a random village in Europe. Now two of his fingers were gone and so was that expensive ass wedding band he got... Ugh. Literally, what the hell... Well, while he was angrily thinking about how upset he was, he came upon a door with a mysterious lever next to it. He wandered around a lot farther than he realized while mentally rambling... He chose to stop being mad for a second so he could pull it.
"Oh grand, ANOTHER 'local' here to ruin my day?" said some random ass voice. Ethan whipped around and squinted.
"Uh... Who are you?" he asked. This guy looked like a hobo... and maybe even a bit of a homo. No, now wasn't the time to be thinking about that kind of thing.
"Oh, don't get it twisted luv, I ain't saying you're a local as in like... someone from this village. I mean, you're like... basic, bland, uncultured. You're a normie!" the man continued, completely ignoring Ethan's initial question.
"I don't care and also I don't remember asking," Ethan grumbled.
"Okay! Be an anti then. Watch this."
Ethan was really confused and out of it so he didn't even do anything. Whoever this ominous man was, he started sticking metal and shit onto Ethan who could only scream and whine.
"Ugh, shut up little twink man! You need to be good so I can show you to Miranda and the other bitches in there."
Ethan passed out but, upon regaining consciousness, discovered he was being dragged around on a cryptic chain. Ethan knew he wasn't That heavy so why the hell was this guy having so much trouble dragging him around? Actually, maybe it was because he put a crap ton of stupid metal on him. When he noticed Ethan was awake, he turned around and gave him a malicious smile... not good.
"Don't worry, we're almost there. Feel free to complain all you want but I am so not paying any attention. I'm way too busy streaming BTS songs. Ya know this one? AHEM! Lemme say 'all the bad men, cop out', I'm a new generation Anpanman~" he sang. It almost seemed like this guy was just talking (and singing) to himself for his own entertainment... Ethan passed out again because this guy was dragging him over rocks and stones for ages.
He awoke because he heard a lot of sounds and saw some scary doll in front of him. "Holy shit, what the fu— Oh, okay... It's just a doll."
The doll moved around though so Ethan's heart rate skyrocketed again. He tried to look and see where the other conversations were coming from but couldn't even see because some other mysterious Being manifested before him. Because this guy got too close to Ethan, the little doll started yelling at it.
"BRUH get the hell away from him, an ugly beast like you could never charm a handsome twink like him!" the doll cried out. This made the other one hobble away sadly but Ethan was too freaking confused about what was happening to care about its feelings.
"GUYS LOOK! He's awake now :)" the doll said.
"How... did you make that sound out loud..." Ethan coughed. His throat was dry from yelling earlier. Typical Ethan problems...
Though the doll ignored his question, it kept screaming until cryptic hobo-man from earlier yelled at it.
"For fucks sake, do you ever shut the hell up you insolent little worm? Us GROWN-UPS are TRYING to have a chat here," he hissed.
Ethan peered up and noticed that hobo-man was arguing with a gigantic MILF. They appeared to be discussing what to do about Ethan himself. He didn't pay attention to what they were saying until there was a sudden pause in the conversation. The ominous woman in the front of the room went silent and turned to hobo-man.
"Okay so I've made up my mind. Heisenberg, you get to take responsibility for that twink. I do NOT mean you can take him to your house already, make him work to prove that he can be yassified," the woman said.
Mega-MILF hastily got up and turned to the woman in the front. "Mother Miranda, with all due respect... What kind of horrible decision is that? That's SO unfair, Heisenberg doesn't even know what the hell to do with a man like that. He is far too grimy, I think a woman as beautiful as myself should at least be the one to prepare him for the madness to come."
"Stupid freaking LOCAL wouldn't even know what to do to begin with. Look Alcina, don't be a hater and just accept that you got got. I, being the chad that I am, was bound to win anyway," 'Heisenberg' said. Ethan was starting to learn names here.
"I am NOT a 'local', I am finely in-tune with madness of the modern age," 'Alcina' replied.
"Guys, what's going on?" Ethan asked meekly. He didn't bother trying to be rude because these people ('Alcina' and 'Heisenberg' at least) looked big and intimidating. Since they were arguing, they didn't bother to reply to him at all.
"Alcina, enough. I already chose Heisenberg to mess with him for now. You can see him later if he escapes from whatever the hell Karl's got lined up," 'Miranda' said blankly. Although Ethan was aware she was probably trying to kill him or eat him or something, he sympathized with the lackluster tone and general air of desolation.
Heisenberg approached Ethan with a kind of cool swagger. Ethan was not impressed but felt weird again; this was not going to be good.
"Okay little man, I'm gonna see if we can Yassify you by putting you through a special show. I've got a real life Roblox Obby lined up for ya!" he said.
Ethan stared at him. "Yeah... What the fuck is yassification?" he asked. These new slang terms were way too much to keep up with.
"Uh... Well..." Heisenberg started. He thought for a moment on what to say in response. "So you're a normie. Like you don't listen to anything that's not dad music or something that's on the top of the charts and you won't watch those 'weird memes' you see on TikTok unless someone shows them to you first, right?"
Ethan was now self-conscious. "Is that... a problem? I just don't know what's funny about 'irony' because it doesn't even make any sense. Oh, and for the record, Ed Sheeran isn't that bad," he huffed.
Heisenberg didn't even know what to say. Ed Sheeran? Nahhh... This was going to be a project and a half. Maybe he should have let Lady Dimitrescu start messing with him first after all...
"Right... Well, I'm going to ignore that and just make you run around in the real life obby until you've either gotten out or until you die. Your choice. If you manage to get out, I suppose the 'real' fun will begin later," Heisenberg said with a grin.
He practically shooed Ethan away and made him hop into a cryptic hole in the ground. The only freaking light sources were the horrible lanterns hung from the ceiling. He had no clue what was going on but ran around like a chicken with no head trying to avoid the lycans and other scary things hissing and spitting at him. If this was Heisenberg's idea of fun, he hated it. He so greatly preferred watching TikToks and HGTV home renovation shows than doing whatever the fuck this was. Obbies? No, he didn't even know what that was. But wait, was now the time to reminisce about TV? He mostly avoided the monsters until some big ugly one appeared before him. Ethan noticed a Conveniently Placed Hole and decided to slide down there for a while until he tumbled out onto soft ground. Man...
He noticed some damn spikes coming down and cursed out loud several times. This was like a horrible Indiana Jones movie. Ethan Winters and the stupid ass IRL 'Roblox Obby'... So after escaping from that, he then had to deal with Heisenberg sending some frightful spiky things at him. There was another conveniently placed hole that he hid in while Heisenberg was yelling riddles into the microphone. After his billionth near death situation, Ethan crawled out and noticed some pocket change.
"Oh, dubloons... I'll simply add these to my collection then," he said, scooping them up. He dusted himself off and just exited through the door in the back, finding himself back at the gate he was trying to go through in the first place. After taking a long hike back, he noticed something quite tantalizing: a carriage.
"Where did that come from? Maybe it can get me out of here," he said excitedly.
As he hurried over, the carriage doors swung open and a jolly fellow appeared.
"Oh, greetings Mr. Winters!" he said happily.
"Hey... Who are you?" Ethan asked. Although this guy was a bit mysterious, he seemed pretty chill. Or wait, maybe he was too chill? Ethan's danger-senses (like spidey-senses but worse) weren't Immediately going off.
"Oh, just call me the Duke! I'll be honest Mr. Winters, I already know your lore. You're just trying to find your daughter so you can go back to your so-called normal life, right? Well, I admire that, so I'm going to help you out. Watch out though, those 'people' you met earlier are going to make your life a nightmare for the time being," the Duke said. He grinned at Ethan.
"I think this says a lot about our society... yet, we participate in the madness of it all, don't we? Anyway, if you're looking for food, materials, guns, what have you, I'm your guy. Just feel free to hit me up," he continued.
Ethan did not know what he meant about 'society', yet he nodded and felt content again. He felt like he had at least one friend in this horrible twisted world. He decided to trade in some of the oddities he found and used the dubloons (which he learned were called 'Lei') to buy things with more use. He turned towards the foreboding castle that loomed over him and the Duke.
He said a brief farewell to the Duke and starting walking towards the castle. He opened the door and poked his head in, humming in delight.
"Damn, this place has really good decorations. I really like the vibes," he said out loud. He had an idea that hit him like a bag of bricks and ran back to the Duke at light speed.
"Oh, Mr. Winters? You're already back, did you forget something?" the Duke asked.
Ethan ran so fast that he was a bit out of breath. "Do you... I'm so sorry hang on... Do you have a charger? Like, a mobile one for a phone?"
The Duke hummed in thought and started rifling through his goods. "Yes, here you are. I'll tell you what, if you have an Instagram you can give me a shoutout and I'll just provide this to you for free. Ah, I'll even let you connect to my hotspot if you'd like."
Ethan blinked and turned his head to the side like a dog. "What do you mean, 'your hotspot'? I know what it is but I just... didn't think there was WiFi here," he said.
The Duke scoffed. "Mr. Winters, please. It's 2021, do you really think we're that cut off from the rest of the world? I do apologize for being frank but... we have phones, internet, WiFi, all that stuff. It's just that we don't really make use of them the same way you Americans do," he explained.
Ethan nodded. He loaded up Instagram took two pictures: one of his new charger and one of him and the Duke posing. After posting them to his story, he said thanks and started off again... Thus began Ethan's Instagram partnership with the Duke.
Feeling much better about this whole thing, he started charging his phone and walked back into the castle feeling ready to kick ass and get things done.
