NOTES:
Thank you all for for sticking around and waiting for this chapter, sorry for taking so long!
Huge thanks to Hidranick for proofreading
chapter 2: First and last and always / Disorder
"Following lost and blind Living, far from here
Tomorrow is hard to find"
It's been over two years since Asuka moved back to Germany, after there were no more evas to pilot and angels to slay she had nothing to do, she cut all ties with Japan, well except with Hikari, and returned home. But unexpected thoughts started to appear in her head, idiot Shinji.
After the war Asuka reflected, she started to doubt her violent and narcissitic ways, she started to take more interest in the feelings of everyone around her, she saw the impact she had on people.
And so Asuka attempted to change, but the change she desired didn't come easily, so in the end, so she left without telling a single soul except Hikari. But she missed the idiot, and she wished she had never left Tokyo III, but she thought it was for the best.
There was a lot to do in Berlin, but what Asuka found the most of here was melancholy, she wanted to move on from her life as a pilot, and to maybe find something and make a career out of it, but her mind was filled with Shinji, Rei, Misato, Kaji, Toji, Hikari, and Kensuke. Asuka was sure, leaving Japan was a mistake, a mistake that she needed to fix. She had spent days in deep thought, walking in circles around her apartment, until she reached a conclusion. "Shinji, I'm coming for you"
"Seems like twenty-five years of
Ever after, ever more, more, more
Seems I wore this face for you
Far too long before"
Back in Tokyo III Shinji felt reinvigorated by yesterday's meeting with Rei and Kensuke, he decided that he needs to start doing something, so he went out for a walk around Tokyo III.
Tokyo III still hasn't fully recovered after the angel war, many have been left homeless and unemployed, the city was clean and vibrant, but if you strayed into certain parts of the city you found destruction and decay left over from the angel war. As Shinji took in the environment, his SDAT which was playing the same tape over and over again, his thoughts started drifting off, from focusing on the sights, the atmosphere, and the music coming from his SDAT, he started to think about his situation, and Asuka
His mind immediately went into overdrive, "Asuka probably found someone in Germany, with being so beautiful and smart it's impossible to stay single, well unless on purpose."
These thoughts may have been a subconscious attempt to move on, but they only made him sadder, but melancholy was nothing new to him. All of this made him remember that time he ran away from Misato during the angel war, how he rode trains and stayed in the wilderness for a few days, and how he stood on the cliffside...
And considered jumping.
With this everything that he gained through his meeting with Rei and Kensuke disappeared, he was back into in the downwards spiral.
But he couldn't have done it... Or could he have? Could he leave Misato, Rei, and everyone else behind like that? In the middle of a war when humanity needed him?
No, not then. But now... But now there was no war to fight, no one depended on him, everyone had moved on and found someone to rely on, and seeing how Kaji's and Misato's relationship evolved, losing a ward wouldn't matter since they would probably end up with a child in the near future. In Shinji's thoughts he was worthless, no use to anyone, not anymore. And he was murderer, he killed Kaworu, they only one who ever loved him, and he almost killed Toji during the Bardiel incident.
Worthless, useless, a burden, and a murder. A stain to be erased. He tried to ground himself in reality, they would still miss him would they? He started imagining Rei and Misato crying at his funeral, or would they cry? Or would they feel relieved at the loss of a burden? He couldn't stop going down that path, the path that would eventually bring his to his death.
"Enough of this, I should get back home, maybe some sleep will get this out of my head, if not sleep than Yebisu." So he did as he said, he went home.
Misato noticed Shinji's absence
"I'm glad he finally left his room, but it's late, he should be back now." As any good mother should, Misato was concerned about her adopted son. Deeply in thought she started muttering to herself.
"He needs an intervention, he needs help, it can't go on like this or he might do something, from our conversations and the way he acts I just know something's wrong."
Shinji was in a place he hasn't visited in years, a lake where he once met Tabris, or as he knew him; Kaworu Nagisa.
"Kaworu, you bastard."
Shinji muttered as he threw a stone into the water.
"You came in just at the right time, when I was the most vulnerable, and you tried to ruin my life." "But I wish it didn't have to go that way, I wish that I never had to kill you, your head falling into the LCL and what was left of you crushed in my hand, I'm unable to forget that, no matter how much I try, you have been dead for 5 years, yet you still haunt me."
"I almost killed Toji, I killed Kaworu, I drove everyone away, and I feed off of Misato and Kaji like a leech."
"This needs to stop."
At the Berlin-Brandenburg airport Asuka waited for her plane to Tokyo III, listening to an SDAT she bought as a pathetic attempt to remind herself of a boy that had one too, a boy she left behind.
Joy Division - "Unknown Pleasures" Outside: track 1: "Disorder"
Asuka spoke quietly under her breath, not to attract any unwanted attention.
"I'm coming for you idiot, I'll fix my mistake, you probably don't want me around anyway, but leaving you was a mistake, I hope you're waiting for me." "You probably have done something with your life, more than I did. I just hope that you'll accept me back, hell, I hope everyone does. Hikari is still mad at me for leaving, are you angry too, no, of course you are." "I- I ran away, I always attacked you for running away, and here I am doing it myself."
She stood in front of a airport terminal window, looking at the snowfall in the night on the other side. Admiring the view, and reminiscing about all the good times in between the battles of the angel war, there weren't a lot of them, but the ones that were there were truly amazing. Something to look back at and yearn for the return of.
Misato and Rei sat by the kitchen table The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence, Misato had enough of it.
"So Rei, how was your and Kensuke's meeting with Shinji?"
"It was entertaining, certainly meeting my brother after a long period of time was very appreciated, but from our conversations I have noticed that Shinji is unwell. He is certainly in a bad place, and I am deeply concerned with him and his wellbeing."
"Yes... I noticed that in the past three years he started deteriorating, but in the past few months it became worse. He just seems so... Distant, more than he was before. In many ways he's still the Shinji I met those 5 years ago, he's still kind and helpful, but now he's very similar to how he was during the aftermath of the Kaworu incident, it's like he's shutting himself of from the world. He said something recently about being useless, I don't want him to feel that way, because he's far from useless. After the angel war I expected him to move on and make a life for himself like everyone else, but he never did that, he stayed with me and Kaji in our apartment, still helping with the chores and all. Everything really started going to shit when Asuka left, Shinji clearly didn't mind her abuse, and sometimes when I came home late from cleaning up the shit show at NERV post Gendo's arrest I even saw them on the couch, one sleeping on the other's shoulder. I always knew they had something for each other, a real shame it never evolved into anything, maybe it would have had, but Asuka just disappeared, I tried looking for her, never found her, we had our conflicts, but with time she was becoming almost like a daughter to me. Shinji is like a son to me, I can't stand seeing him like this, why I haven't intervened earlier is beyond me, we need to do something."
Rei listened to Misato's monologue intently, she opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but she clearly didn't have anything to say, so she just ended up looking down.
After a few seconds of silence, Rei spoke.
"Yes, we need to do something, I am scared that he might do something to himself, either through direct action, or neglect and inaction."
They decided to wait for Shinji in the kitchen, they made plans to talk to him when he returns from his walk.
A few hours later the door to the apartment was silently opened, from the doorway came in a tired Shinji Ikari, he took of his shoes, and started his journey towards his room, that journey took him through the living room, and in the living room he saw something that he didn't expect; Rei and Misato sleeping on the couch. Shinji sadly chuckled at the sight.
"Too bad I don't have anything to take a picture with on me."
Saying that, he went to his room, and slid the door shut.
In a small apartment over a small balkan restaurant, a 19 year old Kensuke Aida sat on the couch, drinking a Serbian soda he got from a friend who worked at the Balkan restaurant underneath his apartment. In his hand a picture. On it a small inscription; "2016, class 3-A" But contrary to the description, the photo wasn't of the class 2-A, it was a picture of a small group of 15 year olds, that could be considered friends. From the left to the right, a European redhead stood proud, next to her stood a pale girl with red eyes and blue hair who wore a shy smile, next to them a brunette with freckles and pigtails beamed. Somewhat further away from them stood a different group of people, three boys, one of them was a tall jock in a tracksuit, by him stood a nerdy kid with messy hair and glasses, and beside them there was a unremarkable boy, nothing about his looks stood out from the rest of the boys in his class, he looked like a stereotypical Japanese teenager.
Kensuke looked sadly at the picture, it took him back to those simpler times, where everything was coming back to normal after the angel war. Everybody felt alive and reinvigorated, because all of the scars and traumas of the war really started showing a good two years after the fact, when everyone started settling down from the hype of the victory over the angels and SEELE.
Their story had a happy ending, or did it? Kensuke knew that his and Rei's story only just begun, same as Toji's and Hikari's, but for Shinji...
"Shinji... What the hell went wrong?"
He muttered to himself His words echoed through his apartment, he was alone, his girlfriend went to talk to Misato about her brother's situation. She clearly cared about him a lot, learning of her origin as basically Shinji's sister made them very close, well that was until Kensuke and Rei started dating. The picture had a tendency to bring gloom with it, it was the best to leave it hidden, at least until things get better, with that thought Kensuke started to succumb to his exhaustion.
Tokyo III was asleep, it's night life only started to wake up as Shinji laid quietly in his bed, but sleep didn't come easily, he stared at the ceiling for over an hour, something was on his mind, and it wasn't going to let him drift off to sleep any time soon. The warm fuzzy feeling of laying in a warm and comfortable came, but it didn't bring sleep like it usually did. But alas, it came with time, and he went to sleep, but in sleep he didn't find comfort like he was supposed to.
Shinji Ikari's subconscious
Alone in a darkened room, was it a room? No, it was an outstretching wasteland of white sand and red skies, a boy stood in it all, admiring the distance, a new dawn faded as Shinji looked into the distance.
"What is this place?"
Shinji turned back to see a shadow, a figure in black, he muttered some words that he knew from a song
"What is this that stands before me, figure in black"
The figure stepped forward, he couldn't believe who he saw
"No! It can't be! You're in prison, how are you here! And what is this place! What did you do to everyone, what did you do the world?! You sick fuck!"
Shinji charged at the apparition that stood before him, an apparition of his father, an apparition of Gendo Ikari. He slammed into him, but his ""father"" stood like a brick wall, not moving an inch. Then Gendo's voice rang out like a gunshot
"My son, stop this at once."
He said it with the same cold tone as he always did, but something was different, he acknowledged him as his son, which was something Gendo never did. This made Shinji go pale, his expression went from fury to shock.
"F-father?"
"Son, I'm here for a reason, I came to tell you something. I came here to deliver you a message, but unfortunately this is not a message of hope, but one of disappointment and defeat."
Shinji looked to the sand below his feet, he couldn't bare to look his father in the eye. And so his father continued.
"You unfortunately failed, you have been left behind, and the ones that you're with, well they're burdened by you, it is quite unfortunate. You see son, we are alike, we fought hard and did many wrong things for the ones we care about, but in the end we never got what we wanted."
"W-what are you talking about?"
"All you ever wanted was to be cared about, all you ever wanted was to be out of this pit of loneliness that I and your mother through our failures as parents have put you in, it seems that the Ikari name brings a curse of failure to anyone who holds it, Yui's parents thought they were a part of SEELE's game, but they were just pawns, Yui had a great plan to defy SEELE, but she failed as a parent, and in chasing her I failed as a parent.
In this same vein you have failed in your quest for love, and a sense of worth."
"So you came here just to tell me all of this…"
"I'm sorry son, someone has to deliver this message."
That was the last part of the dream that Shinji remembered, he woke up like on any other day, but he had a plan, these failures of the Ikari bloodline end here, his days of being a burden on everyone he loved and cared for were over, and so he reached for a rattling bottle.
Several hours later Misato was doing her daily morning routine, the day moved on just as it usually did, Rei already went back home after her unplanned sleepover on the couch, but one thing kept bothering her.
"Where is Shinji? It's not like him to sleep for so damn long."
And so she entered his room, at first she thought he was just sleeping, but after calling out to him, and trying to wake him up and failing she noticed his lack of breath.
Misato just experienced something she always dreaded the most, her ward lying still in his bed, unmoving, with a note.
She couldn't help but scream in agony at this sight that no parent should ever witness. She watched as the paramedics took him into the ambulance, and she later stayed with him in his hospital room, never leaving, sitting by his bed like a statue, she had the note with her, but she couldn't bare to read it, at least not yet, she was fortunate that with the way things are looking now it's just a coma that he'll get out of, or so she hoped.
EXIT NOTES:
I hope you enjoyed, or at least wasn't bored by this chapter.
I have already begun work on chapter 3, but I can't promise anything, most likely it will take a very long time to come out.
