NOTES:
Huge apologies for taking so long to write this chapter, as a sort of apology for taking so long I have made this chapter a bit longer, thannk you for your patience.
chapter 3: New Dawn Fades
"I'm deeply sorry for being a burden on all of you for these past five years, I'm sorry it had to happen this way, I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused, but this Ikari curse of failure ends here. Dear Misato, Kaji, Rei, Kensuke, Toji, Hikari, I wish all of you the best in life.
Please find Asuka and give her my SDAT and tapes, and tell her I am deeply sorry for all the pain I have ever caused her.
-Shinji"
"The strain's too much, can't take much more
Oh, I've walked on water, run through fire
Can't seem to feel it anymore"
It was dark outside, the clock on the train station read 22:07, in the glow of the station's lights sat a lonely homeless man with what looked to be a previously smoked and now found again and reignited cigarette. A train came into the station and stopped, a few people left it. One of them was a tall European redhead, she stood out like a sore thumb among the locals. Asuka walked to a vending machine, and bought a energy drink can, and so the station's relative silence was broken by the hissing of a carbonised drink being opened.
She put her back against the wall, wandering about what changed in Tokyo III, and how everyone changed, how everyone has grown. Her mind started to wander, wander in the general direction of a boy who was once her roommate. "I wonder... Does he have someone? Is he still alone? No... that's not possible, someone like him wouldn't stay alone for that long. Hell, that idiot is probably dating one of his fangirls."
Asuka has done it, she returned to Tokyo III after all these years, she told nobody about it, not even her old friend Hikari who was her only remaining contact in Japan, she wanted to make this a surprise.
Asuka was slowly was being consumed from the inside by anxiety, she started asking herself questions that only made it worse
"What if they don't live there anymore? What if they'll just shut the door in my face? What if they never want to see me again? What if-"
Her musings were interrupted by her phone ringing, the caller ID was extremely surprising to Asuka, Hikari was calling her, and as one does when an old friend calls, she answered the call.
"Hey Hikari!" Asuka gleefully answered her friend's call
"A-Asuka" but the answer was an unexpected one, on the other side of the phone Hikari spoke in a very emotional and shaky manner, it sounds like she was choking back tears.
"H-Hikari? What happened? Did Toji hurt you? What did that bastard do-" As Asuka rambled she was cut off.
"A-Asuka, it's about Shinji, h-he's in the hospital he-"
Asuka felt her legs grow weak under her, she was left speechless, Shinji? In the hospital? Why? What could have happened?
"Shinji- H-he attempted suicide."
Asuka started sobbing, she couldn't believe this, Shinji attempting suicide? How? Why? What happened? Why would he do such a thing?
Hikari could hear Asuka sobbing through the phone
"A-Asuka, i-in the note Shinji asked us to find you, and give you his SDAT and tapes, and to tell you he's sorry-"
"He'll tell me that himself!"
Asuka yelled as she started making her way to the Tokyo III hospital.
As Asuka ran to the hospital, she saw someone familiar near the entrance it was Kensuke Aida, he was standing near a trashcan with a mounted ashtray, with a cigarette in his hand, and a cigarette pack clearly visible out of his jacket's pocket, the ashtray was filled with many fresh looking cigarettes, Kensuke was extremely pale and shaken, clearly distressed.
Kensuke noticed her, his jaw dropped, cigarette dropping onto the sidewalk, he clearly was trying to speak, both of them were.
"R-red?"
Asuka's reply came after what felt like an eternity
"we'll talk about this later, Aida"
Kensuke just looked sadly at his feet without giving a reply, this was too much for him, he picked up his cigarette and put it back in his mouth, returning to his previous distraction, that being emptily looking at the passing cars on the street.
After that unexpected and unwanted interaction that will surely have a consequence later, Asuka ran to the front desk. She asked for the room number, and after a receiving a weird look she got what she wanted, and so she ran to the room where Shinji Ikari laid in a coma.
The journey through the hospital felt like an eternity, like the wanderings of the Israelites throughout the deserts after their exodus from Egyptian slavery. Asuka made her way to the room of her once roommate, head like a hole, thoughts running out of control, such an unexpected occurrence was bound to make a mess in her head, especially a tragedy like this.
She knew she was in the right place without even checking the room number, through a thin, slightly cracked glass window in the door she saw her old guardian. Misato sat on a chair overlooking the bed on which her son laid in a comatose state, she held a piece of paper in her hand, clutching it tightly, yet in a manner that was almost careful not to damage the small piece of paper and the writings on it.
Asuka was waging a civil war inside of her head, one side wanting to come in, the other wanting to just lay down on the floor and cry, and so far the latter option was winning that inner conflict. Asuka sat down on the floor by the door, staring emptily at the ceiling, looking out for incoming tears.
She pondered on what her former 14 year old self would think about this, "the great Asuka Langley Soryu" would never do such a thing, she was too arrogant and prideful, but that Asuka was as good as dead. With life came the realisation that things weren't so simple, and reality wasn't as she expected it to be when she was an entitled 14 year old girl who felt like she had the world in the palm of her hand.
"Directionless so plain to see
A loaded gun won't set you free
So you say"
This entire situation made Asuka think about what if EVA never existed, and the angel war never happened.
EVA ruined their lives, if not for them they would be normal young adults living normal lives, not only did it ruin their lives but also their parents' lives. The EVA was both a blessing and a curse, mostly the latter.
She realised the irony of how the people who were supposed to protect humanity were so dysfunctional their task of saving the world was basically the only thing keeping them together, suddenly it started making sense that with the EVAs gone their lives slowly started disintegrating. Or did they? She pondered on how only her and Shinji failed at moving on, the difference between them was only that Asuka pretended and lied to herself that EVA and the angel war was behind her, and Shinji drowned in the aftermath of the hell that was their adolescence.
She knew she was not over the war, she knew she hasn't moved on from the war and it's consequences, but what happened to Shinji made it much clearer to her.
They were bound by fate, the two pilots who were abandoned by their parents, the two pilots who lived together, the two pilots who suffered through so much together, the two pilots who never moved on, she found it too big for it to be a coincidence. And now one half of that duo arranged by fate tried to take his life, she never knew what drove him to attempt suicide, but she understood that something was definitely wrong.
But she couldn't continue to philosophise about the reason for her former comrade's fate, for the door she sat near opened.
The woman that had been her guardian for years stood above her, with an almost dead expression on her face, the now 34 year old Misato Katsuragi hasn't noticed her yet.
Asuka was terrified of Misato's reaction to her, how would she react after seeing her ward two years after her sudden disappearance? Then it happened, Misato noticed her.
"Asuka" Misato said in a deflated and quiet voice
Asuka scrambled for words to form a coherent response, but after a few seconds that felt like hours she found the words she needed
"I'm so sorry Misato, I-I wanted to come back here and be a part of your lives again, I realised my mistake! I just left the train on the nearest station when Hikari told me about Shinji and I rushed here as fast as I could, I'm so sorry Misato!"
"Asuka"
Following her quiet exclamation she started moving near the redhead that sat on the ground. Asuka was terrified, she thought Misato was coming to do something to her, but she didn't move, she knew she deserved it. But Asuka expectations were shattered when Misato hugged her, and held her close, embracing her old ward.
"Where have you been Asuka? Where have you been for those two years? What happened? Why did you go? I was worried sick about you! I thought I lost you forever, please don't ever go away again, please!
We missed you so much, we'll have you back, don't worry."
Asuka listened intently, she hasn't ever heard Misato break down like that. She never expected a reaction like this, she expected a scolding, or even a punch, but never a hug.
After a period of silence Asuka spoke
"I think we should get off the floor."
Misato replied swiftly
"Yes, that's a good idea."
outside the hospital
Kensuke stood before the ashtray mounted on the trashcan, three cigarette butts laid in it. Kensuke reached for the cigarette pack in the front pocket of his uniform jacket, but before taking out a cigarette he stopped, despite this tragedy he would still not allow himself to become a chainsmoker.
"No... I know this is my best way of coping, but I can't become a chainsmoker, not again, not after I tried so hard to quit..."
He stood there looking dumbfounded, ever since Shinji attempted to take his own life he barely visited his and Rei's apartment, he stuck around the hospital, either in the cafeteria, waiting room, entrance, or when allowed Shinji's hospital room.
"I wonder how Rei will take to the news of Asuka's return, unfortunately things will probably not go too well."
He
couldn't stop thinking about one thing; Asuka. What was she doing here? Coming back after disappearing for two years? Why did she come back, and why at a time like this? This situation was a mess, a mess that only got worse, he started wondering if an angel would appear suddenly, or if he was just dreaming. Things weren't supposed to be like this, the war was over, everything was supposed to be alright, they were supposed to be promising young adults with bright futures ahead of them, not something like this, not loneliness, not despair, certainly not suicide.
"It was me, waiting for me
Hoping for something more
Me, seeing me this time
Hoping for something else"
two days later
Asuka stood in the kitchen of Misato's apartment, she was blocking off reality with her SDAT, Track 5: "New Dawn Fades" being the soundtrack to her moping around. But there wasn't much to block off, Kaji was like almost always absent, away on some business trip or something like that, Misato slept drunkenly on the couch, so Asuka was practically alone.
She moved around it, checking to see what changed during her absence, haunting the apartment like a lost soul. until she reached a certain room; Shinji's.
She hesitated
But the hesitation lasted around Seventeen Seconds that felt like seventeen eternities.
She slid the door open revealing a small room, no - a closet converted into a room. Not much has changed until she last saw it two years ago. A cello sat in the corner, clearly untouched for a very long time, she noticed an SDAT player laying timidly on the desk along with a couple of cassette tapes. Asuka took the SDAT and inspected it, noticing a small piece of paper taped on saying "Gendo Rokubungi" in faded Kanji.
Asuka wondered who this Rokubungi was, after some time she realised that it was the former supreme commander of NERV's full name, just remembering that bastard made her feel worse.
Asuka sat on the bed and started getting lost in the music that she used to block off reality, her finding of Shinji's SDAT reminded her of why she sought one out and bought one just like his, she got one to keep it as a reminder of her friend, a friend that was now laying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines, that made her feel even guiltier than she felt before.
She felt a pit in her stomach, and so she turned from sitting to laying on the bed, when she put her head on the pillow of the small bed she felt something under it. She pulled out a small picture, a picture of class 3-A, a picture of her, Hikari, Toji, Shinji, Rei, and Kensuke together, all of them smiling.
"No... Why did it all have to go to shit? Where is the happy youth we were promised? Why did this have to happen? Shinji you idiot!" She spoke caressing the picture as she felt tears slowly building up in her eyes, she didn't hold them in, she laid there sobbing, and so she cried herself to sleep in Shinji's old bed.
Asuka was woken up by a noise in the living room, a noise of a heavy object falling onto the floor accompanied with a loud exclamation of "oh shit!".
Asuka guessed correctly that it was just Misato falling off of the couch she slept on.
"Who knew the idiot's bed would be so comfortable." She muttered to herself
Immediately being overcome with guilt for sleeping in Shinji's bed and calling him an idiot, because when she actually thought about it, he never was one. When getting up she noticed a small box sticking out from under the bed, after some deliberation she grabbed it and opened it.
Inside were photos, many photos. Photos from old school events, photos from NERV events, or just photos of their group hanging out, and even photos of the two of them. Asuka noticed how in all of the later pictures Shinji was looking increasingly distressed, when compared with all the older photos to the newer ones a clear difference could've been noticed.
She got up from the bed and left the room, heading for the bathroom to do her daily routine.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror for minutes that felt like hours, with an empty stare.
Breakfast was miserable, Misato's cooking was worse, but at least it wasn't an absent-minded dry old toast with coffee that tasted like piss. Misato sat on the couch absently watching TV, not talking to anyone, not even touching any of her beers. Asuka was tired of this suffocating silence, and so she got up to try to talk with Misato.
"Hey Misato" Asuka said trying to grab her host's attention.
"Yes Asuka?" Her former guardian responded quietly.
"I'm sorry for leaving then, it was a huge mistake, the worst mistake of my life actually, I regret it every second of my life, and I came here to try to fix it. Thanks for letting my stay here, it really means a lot to me, I expected you to tell me to fuck off when you saw me, but you accepted me back, thank you so much for that Misato."
This took Misato by surprise
"You're more than welcome Asuka, it was the least I could've done. To be honest I'm still mad at you for leaving us those two years ago, you could have at least said goodbye, we worried sick about you, but you definitely had a good reason for it, if you didn't you simply wouldn't have done it. But I don't hate you Asuka, I want you here with us, you're like a daughter to me, when you left I thought I lost you forever, I thought I lost my child, and when Shinji... Did what he did I thought I lost another child, I thought I was worthless, I thought I wasn't good enough to be a parent, that I failed both of you. Thank you so much for coming back Asuka."
Instead of replying Asuka just hugged Misato, and so they laid on the couch holding each other for the next couple of hours.
Meanwhile in the manifestation of Shinji Ikari's subconscious...
It was the same train cart that he had been in before, filled with the blinding glow of the setting sun, and moving through an infinite rail way. He was not alone, he saw Asuka sitting on a bench on the opposite end of the cart, conveniently hidden by a shadow.
He stood there silently looking between the window of the cart and Asuka's shadowy form. He never opened his mouth or made any sounds, the apparitions always started the conversation, so he waited for them to do it again.
"Practically an orphan, with no use to the world, not anymore at least, failed once again. But there is one more failure that you never knew about idiot, you failed at realising that you could have been happy, you failed at realising that you don't need the EVA to be useful, you don't need the EVA to not be a burden, there are many people who value you for who you are, not because you used to pilot those ungodly abominations, think about what I said Shinji, I will be seeing you."
The apparition that took the form of Asuka spoke breaking the silence, but after finishing her monologue the train cart faded away, and Shinji was once again plunged into the abyss.
EXIT NOTES:
Thank you for your attention, the next chapter will probably be in the works for some time, especially since before I start work on the fourth chapter I'd like to fix chapter one since it's a mess almost as bad as Balkan politics. More will come, please be patient.
