She was so beautiful, even with tear stained cheeks and weepy eyes.

There she sat in the small spot of grass in front of the mall parking lot, those perfectly too short jean shorts and a little white t-shirt hugging every inch of her perfect chest. Wearing those same old black converse. Her beautiful pale legs pulled up against her chest. Her face resting on her knees.

She looks so broken. As I get closer I can see the dark circles around her eyes. She looks like she hasn't slept, in a while. Her cheeks are less full, pale. She hasn't been eating right.

God had I really done this to her?

This couldn't all be because of me, could it?

Had a really broken such a beautiful and innocent girl?

I really am a monster.

I can't help myself as I move towards her.

I'm always drawn to her.

Pulled by a magnetic force I can't quite understand, but I feel it every time she's near.

She jumps up and turns and runs at the sight of me.

Her big, beautiful, soulful brown eyes filling with pain as they see me.

This was all my fault.

I can't stop myself from chasing her.

I call out her name, but she doesn't turn.

She just jumps into her dads police cruiser, leaving me standing on the sidewalk behind her.

She looks at me through the windshield. Sadness burdens her features heavily.

Anger suddenly surges in her weeping eyes as they meet mine.

The car drives away and I'm left standing here alone, feeling worthless.

How could I have dimmed such a beautiful, delicate light as Isabella Swan? I am truly worthless.

She was the purest, most beautiful person I have ever known, and I had crushed her so cruelly.

How could I not think what I had said and how I had acted wouldn't crush her?

I had taken her virginity and claimed her body as mine as many times as I could, and then I'd implied she was messing around with James, and told her I was done with her. Bored even.

I'd thought she'd just get over me.

I didn't think she'd cared so deeply in return.

Had she really loved me?

Had I ruined a masterpiece, before it was even complete?

Rushed sex with Tanya behind the mall, in her truck cab, was nothing compared to being with Bella.

I had thought it would be enough to at least forget her for the summer, but I was so wrong. She was all I could think about. I only dreamt of her and only pictured her when I was with Tanya. I had almost cried out her name last time.

I had bit my lip painfully, to keep for crying out Bella's name.

God I was disgusting. A worthless greedy monster that took what I wanted and left sadness in my wake.

I didn't meet Tanya behind the mall as planned today.

I texted her that I didn't want to meet anymore.

I couldn't now that I had seen how much I'd broken Bella.

I rode my skateboard to Bella's house.

Going as quickly as it could carry me.

She'd still reach her house long before I would.

20 mins later I arrive on her block.

I feel like I can't breath as I skate past her house.

Her bedroom window is dark.

I keep going, trying to resist the urge to run to her door. Beg her to listen to me. To forgive me. To let me make it all up to her.

I'd worship her for the rest of me life if she'd give me another chance.

Hurting her was the worst thing I've ever done.

Everyday for the rest of July I would skate by Bella's house.

I always did so in the evenings, when I thought there would be less of a chance of running into anyone or being spotted.

I just had to be near her.

I told myself I would get the courage to knock on her door and explain myself, but August arrived and I still hadn't even tried.

School started near the end of August, on the 23rd; so I still had almost 3 weeks before I would have to come face to face with her again.

One evening a week into August, a Saturday, when I was making my usual pass by Bella's house, something caught my eye from her living room window.

It was evening and beginning to darken, but the shades were still open and warm light poured out.

Bella sat on a couch next to a large Native American boy, they were sitting close to each other. They threw their heads back in laughter at something on the television. He must be from the Quileute reservation. I remember back to when I had been endlessly questioning her and she had mentioned that she had used to spend a lot of time there as a kid because her father was close friends with a Quileute family.

My insides twisted at the sight of her with someone else.

She looked so much better than when I had last seen her at the start of July.

Her checks were now full again and dappled with pink, and her eyes were now free of dark circles.

She was somehow even more beautiful.

She didn't need me to beg and apologize for a second chance. She actually had moved on now.

It feels like a punch in the gut.

I ride away quickly. Trying to not think about the site of her happy with someone else.

I guess I had wasted too much time trying to work up the nerve to apologize to her.

It was too late, and she didn't need my apology.

I skate home and head up the stairs to sulk in my room. Alice spots me from her open bedroom door and calls out.

"Back from stalking Bella?"

I freeze in place.

She walks up to her open door and leans against the doorframe.

"Did I guess right?"

She always fucking guessed right.

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair and then down my face.

After letting out a long breath I finally answer.

"Yes, yes I did go to see Bella again and this time she wasn't alone and now I'd really just like to go be miserable in my room, alone."

Alice lets out a sharp laugh.

"Oh god Edward, you're so dramatic. You know you could have sorted this ages ago if you'd just actually talk to her. Instead she has to hear about your escapades from those hyenas that called themselves her friends and now she's finally found comfort in an old childhood friend and you're still huffing around like a little drama queen."

What? My escapades?

Bella knew about Tanya!?

Oh god was that why she had ran from me?

"How do you know all this?"

Alice smirks.

"Because unlike you, Edward, I actually talk to Bella."

With that she turns on her heel and slams her door loudly in my face.

I'm left standing with my mouth hanging open.

Questions flooding my mind.

Oh god if she knew about me and Tanya she must never want to see me again.

She probably thinks I had just instantly replaced her, if only she knew how untrue that was.

How Tanya had been nothing more than a distraction to keep me away from her.

What did Alice mean about comfort in an old friend?

Was that the large boy I had seen her with? An old friend?

God I've made such a complete and utter mess of everything.

After a minute I pull myself together and continue on to my room.

Once inside my room I throw myself back on my bed and pull out my phone.

I start to draft a message to Bella.

Edward 8:45PM: Bella, I know nothing I say can change how much you probably hate me now. But I just want you to know how sorry I am, for everything. I didn't mean a word of what I said to you in that message. I'm sorry I hurt you and didn't just talk to you. I would give anything to take back what I did to you. I understand if you never speak to me again, just know how sorry I am.

I hit send before I can change my mind and let out a loud groan as I toss my phone behind me on the bed.

I pull myself up to shower and get ready for bed , and anxiously think about weather or not she will respond the entire time.

I rush back to my room after my shower running a towel through my wet hair roughly as I reach for my phone.

No new messages

It had been at least 40 minutes.

She had to have seen it by now.

I set my phone on my night stand and collapse into bed and let the exhaustion of today's realizations wash over me as I drift to sleep.

When I wake up at 10 AM the next day there is still no response from Bella.

There's a message from Jasper inviting me to hangout.

He knows I don't work the weekends.

I've been saving all my money I earned this summer, so I really don't need to work at all during this coming school year.

I text him back that I'm not feeling well and spend my day sulking in my room and listening to the saddest music I can think of.

Classical.

I don't know why but classical music always sounds so heart breaking to me, and seems to mirror my current state of angst. So I drown out my thoughts with Beethoven and Debussy.

The weeks before school starts pass quickly, and I do my best to fake a good mood around Emmett and Jasper the few times we do hang out. Mostly I sulk alone.

I anxiously pace my room, it's the morning of the first day back to school. I have to leave soon. Alice banged on my door 5 mins ago telling me I'd be late if I didn't leave now. I saw her drive off, out my bedroom window just a few moments ago .

I quickly pull on a blue flannel Bella had said she liked on me once, and grab my backpack.

I make it to school just as the first bell is ringing and sprint to home room.

I feel my chest tighten at the thought that I'll be seeing her face in just a few short moments.

When I enter the room I quickly rake my eyes over the class.

I don't see her.

I take an empty seat in the back and continue to scan the room for her.

Maybes she's more late than me?

Mr.Banner starts talking and still no sign of Bella.

By the end of the period I've come to the conclusion that she's switched her home room, and it's probably because of me.

I don't see Bella in any of my morning classes which makes sense, she always signed up for AP classes.

Jasper and Emmett both stare at me as I anxiously scan the cafeteria looking for her.

Jasper smirks at Emmett and Emmett turns to me and let's out a loud sign before talking.

"Alright Eddie, I guess I'm gonna have to be the one to say it. You gotta stop it with this weird "stalking Bella" thing you're doing. "

Jasper chimes in, "Yeah, Alice said you skate by her house every night."

Alice and Jasper have been an item since middle school, so I was well aware that there were no secrets between him and Alice.

Emmett laughs and chimes in again.

"Jesus! No wonder she's in our home room now! That's not how you get girls man."

Jasper quickly adds, "Yeah if you wanted Bella you really shouldn't have been fucking Tanya behind the mall."

"Jesus! Does everyone know about that!?" I reply loudly.

This has gotten so out of hand.

Emmett laughs loudly again and Jasper smirks as he says, "Jessica Stanley saw you guys man, there was no keeping that one in the bag."

"So you both knew this whole time and said nothing?"

Emmett shrugs and responds.

"We kind of figured you'd realize how stupid you were being and nut-up before summer ended and actually talk to Bella. But summers over and you're still just stalking her and sulking."

"I'm not stalking her!" I say a bit too loudly and Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory turn to look at us from a table away.

I glare at them and they quickly turn back around.

So the whole school knew I had fucked things up with Bella, and they also apparently knew how I had then fucked up further and hooked up with Tanya.

This was hopeless.

Jasper pulls my attention back when he starts talking again.

"You should just come to her party this weekend and actually talk to her in person. None of that stupid immature texting shit. Talk to her face to face, and just tell her how you feel."

Party?

"What party?"

"She's throwing a party for her 18th birthday this Saturday. Her dad works nights on Saturdays so apparently she can get away with it since he trust her enough not to pull drive-bys ."

Charlie still worked Saturday nights.

But Bella throwing a party sounded very out of character.

"Is Alice a part of this by any chance?"

Emmett and Jasper both laugh in response and then Jasper answers.

"Yeah they've been hanging out a lot, and you know Alice loves to throw a party, so she convinced Bella to let her plan one for her 18th. When she found out Charlie worked Saturday nights it was a done deal."

They'd been hanging out? How had I not noticed that?

I nod in response, still trying to process all that I apparently didn't know had been going on around me while I was lost in my self induced suffering.

"So you're saying I should just show up at her party and tell her I'm a fucking idiot who loves her?"

I don't even care that I've admitted it to these two goons. I don't care if the whole world knows.

I love Bella Swan and I would show her that.

Emmett and Jasper both look a bit taken aback by my declaration of love.

Emmett clears his throat and responds.

"I mean if that's how you feel man, you should tell. Then you won't keep torturing yourself pining for her, and can finally move on if she shuts you down."

The idea of her shutting me down felt like a knife to the gut. That's why I'd avoided talking to her. If she shut me down and told me to go away forever, I'd have no choice but to listen, and the thought that killed me.

"Alright then I'll go."