First of all, I just now realized I forgot to put a TW on the last chapter. I am so sorry for that, really. The TW for this chapter is mentions of abortion.
"What the hell?! Why?" Rachel practically screams into her phone, suddenly pissed off. "You can't do this to me!"
"We're sorry Miss Berry, there's nothing we can do." Benji, her manager, apologizes profusely, and the brunette sighs.
"Well, figure it out." She snaps, then hangs the phone up and slams in onto the counter.
"Uh, what's going on?" Beca walks into the kitchen, her brow furrowed in confusion. She was asleep when she heard her best friend screaming, which isn't actually an unusual occurrence.
Rachel looks at Beca and sighs when she realizes she's woken her up for the third time this week. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
Now Beca's worried. "What's happening? You never apologize for anything."
The taller woman glares at her. "Excuse me for trying to be nice for once." The other woman simply hums and goes to grab a mug of coffee, so Rachel decides now is a decent moment to rant. "They pulled my audition for Annie!"
Beca hangs her head and groans before looking at her best friend. "There will be other auditions, you know."
"I knew you wouldn't get it." Rachel rolls her eyes and turns to grab a bowl from the cupboard behind her. There's really no point in arguing with Beca, it won't make a difference in the world whether or not she understands.
Beca shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee, moaning with delight when the sweet caffeine touches her tongue. "I'm going into the studio today, so I'll see you later."
"Alright bye." Her voice is still slightly bitter as her best friend walks away, and she takes a deep breath before hanging her head back. Looking at the ceiling, she whispers, "Finn, if you're listening, I miss you."
The brunette says this exact same thing every morning, no matter what's going on in her life that given day or week. She doesn't want to admit it, because admitting it would mean admitting to being weak, but the small action of talking to him every day is one of the only things keeping Rachel sane. Sure, she has Beca, but there was something about the way Finn used to look at her that could get her to realize she was being ridiculous. She misses the way he used to give her a sloppy smile whenever she did something that didn't just benefit herself. She tried to be a better person just to see that look on his face.
Feeling a little more subdued than she was a couple minutes ago, Rachel slowly makes her oatmeal. She takes her time with every step, basking in the simple task at hand. A tear falls down her face, and she blinks in shock- she hadn't even realized she was crying. That happens to the Broadway star a lot, though; Finn's passing broke something inside her. Something she isn't sure will ever be the same again.
She's putting the bowl of breakfast into the microwave when a voice interrupts her thoughts. "See you later Rach."
Rachel turns slightly, and Beca's face falls into a sympathetic frown. "Have a good day."
Because she isn't the greatest at comforting people, and because she knows Rachel needs to work on it on her own, Beca just gives her a small wave and exits the apartment.
Once Beca's gone, the taller brunette lays her head on the counter. The soft hum of the microwave, which is set on preheat, lulls her back into her thoughts. Thoughts about Finn and everything she misses. Everything she wishes she could get back.
And, of course, the one thing she regrets.
There's something Rachel hasn't told anyone, not even Beca. She's kept it a secret for so long, partly because it wouldn't change anything to talk about it, and partly because it hurts too much to talk about. It hurts too much to think about, which is why she's always just pushed it to the back of her brain. More than anything, the brunette wishes she could just forget what happened. But she knows she'll never be able to take it back, and she hates herself for it.
Finn and Rachel lost their virginity to each other their junior year of high school. Rachel had a role in a musical, and the character sang a song about sex, and love within a physical connection. Her director told her he could tell she hadn't "done the dirty," so she conned Finn into doing it with her. Of course, she told him a week later the real reason why she wanted to do it, and he was furious. They worked it out, and she didn't think about it again.
Well, until two weeks later.
Rachel freaked out when she missed her period, but didn't tell anyone. She had told Beca they used a condom (which they had), so she didn't think it necessary to confide in her. Beside, she was so wrapped up in her parents' divorce, Rachel didn't want to give her anything else to worry about. She didn't tell Finn because she already knew he wasn't ready to be a dad, if worst came to worst. She didn't tell her dads because she was scared of the consequences.
The sixteen year old waited another week to see if her period was just late, but then she started experiencing nausea. Her breaking point, though, was when she woke up one morning (way later than she normally woke up, which she worried about as well) and threw up everything she had eaten for dinner the night before. That was her wake up call, and she drove herself to the convenient store and bought two pregnancy tests.
Both came out positive, and she was so terrified she went directly to a free clinic afterwards. No one knew about her "problem", and she wasn't going to tell anyone. No, Rachel was bound and determined to figure it out herself.
" You're pregnant." The Broadway star can still hear the doctor's light voice like it was yesterday, and it causes an involuntary shiver to take over her body.
High school Rachel did what she thought was the best thing to do; what she realizes now was a grave mistake.
She aborted the baby.
Rachel was convinced she couldn't take care of a baby, and honestly, she wasn't ready to be a mom. She still had New York and NYADA and Broadway; she wasn't about to let responsibility get in the way of her dreams. It had been a selfish decision, and she wishes now more than ever she would have gone through with the pregnancy. If she had, there'd still be a piece of Finn here on Earth with her. Maybe she wouldn't feel so alone.
Blinking herself out of her thoughts, she looks around the apartment and lets out a small sob. This whole place reminds her of Finn. She remembers how she painted his name in a heart on one of the walls (the one in the living room, right behind the TV) and Beca told her to paint over it because it was "dumb". She can never forget the day he showed up on their door and admitted that he was discharged from the Army because he accidentally shot himself.
Worst of all, she remembers the day Kurt Hummel, her guy best friend and Finn's brother, appeared and told her and Beca that Finn Hudson had overdosed.
Suddenly, the whole apartment feels suffocating, and Rachel's grabbing her wallet and escaping before she can even truly think about what she's doing. The star has no plan other than to get as far away from that place as possible, all while ignoring the tiny voice in the back of her mind that tells her she should've just gotten a different apartment.
Beca had said the same thing about moving. She was ok with getting a new place if it made it easier for Rachel, but the brunette refused to leave. As of right now, she could buy a mansion, but she still refuses to move. The memories are what reminds Rachel that Finn was real, and not just a dream she wishes she never woke up from. If she leaves, she's scared she'll forget him completely.
She's not entirely sure how she got here, but next thing she knows, Rachel's standing in line at Tom's. Seeing familiar green eyes and blonde hair behind the counter, she gasps and quickly wipes the tears from her face. She hates how it matters to her that she look good for Quinn, but the thought that Finn would want her to find someone else is somewhat soothing.
Quinn notices Rachel the moment she walks in, and her heart does this weird leap thing inside her chest. While it always does that whenever she sees those warm, brown eyes and soft smile, it does something entirely different to her when she realizes the brunette is obviously upset by something. It makes the blonde want to jump over the counter, ignore the customers she's currently taking the orders of, and wrap the star in a hug.
But she knows she can't do that, so she opts for quickly getting the couple their coffees. Knowing Rachel needs it, Quinn replaces her phony smile with a welcoming one once the people in front of her move out of the way.
Their eyes meet, and Rachel takes a hesitant step up to the counter. "Hi, Quinn."
"Hi Rachel." She doesn't know why she's whispering, but her voice is barely audible as she speaks. "What can I get you today?" Quinn knows her order, of course, but she asks anyway in hope Rachel will open up a little about what's bothering her.
"Just a black coffee, one sugar." She gives the blonde a small smile as she bats at another tear falling down her cheek. She's really glad Quinn is the only person who has recognized her, or else the paparazzi would be all over her right now.
"Of course, one minute." The blonde takes a risk by laying her hand on top of Rachel's for a second before turning and making her way to the back room.
Before she can even grab a mug, CR says, "go on. Take your break."
Quinn smiles gratefully at her coworker as she pours the beverage into the mug. "Thank you."
When she's done making the drink, she returns to Rachel. The brunette is staring out the window, but she doesn't seem to be crying anymore. Quinn takes that as a good sign. "Here you go, Rachel."
The brunette jumps, the blonde's voice pulling her out of her thoughts. It's a distraction she's immensely grateful for. "Thank you."
They stare at each other in an awkward silence before Quinn clears her throat and says, "um, can I join you?"
Rachel blinks in shock, and her voice catches in her throat a little when she says, "yeah. I'd, uh, I'd like that very much."
"Great." Quinn quickly hops over the counter, and the two silently- awkwardly- make their way to a table.
Rachel feels a weird calm take over her body as she sits down at the table with the barista. They've never really talked other than small conversations at the counter, but she just gets this content feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Quinn's heart is racing a million miles a minute. She actually has no clue what she's supposed to say to the Broadway star, and she's starting to wonder if she made a stupid, rash decision. Yes, she wants to hang out with Rachel, more than anything. She's just worried she's going to say or do something stupid, and the brunette's going to decide she likes her celebrity friends better and want nothing to do with her.
"Thanks for this." Rachel breaks the silence as they both sit down, and Quinn's eyes snap up to meet hers. "You know, for coming and sitting with me. I'll be honest, being alone probably isn't a good idea for me right now." Her laugh comes out more broken and desperate than she intended it to, and the barista reaches out and grabs her hand again.
This time, though, Quinn doesn't let go. She slowly intertwines their fingers and asks, "do you want to talk about it?"
"I..."
The author misinterprets her hesitancy, and she's immediately backtracking, pulling her hand away in the process. "You don't have to if you don't want to, of course-"
With a chuckle, Rachel cuts her off. "No it's ok, I probably need to talk about it. I just don't know where to start."
"Oh." Quinn misses the feeling of the brunette's hand in hers, but she figures it'd be weird to just grab it again for the third time in a day.
Rachel clears her throat and looks out the window. She can feel Quinn's green eyes boring into her face, and it suddenly has her feeling self conscious. "My... boyfriend passed away recently."
Quinn nods, because she already knows this, but she decides not to tell her that. Instead, she says, "I'm so sorry."
The star looks back at the author, a sad smile tugging at her lips. "Don't apologize, it wasn't your fault or anything." The blonde simply nods, so she continues. "I just... I really miss him. He saw me like no one else did, he saw good in me I didn't even see in myself." She wipes a tear from her cheek, and Quinn gives her a sympathetic frown.
"He overdosed." She continues, and Quinn blinks; this, she didn't know. "That's, uh, actually the first time I've said those words out loud."
Quinn really doesn't know what to say here. She wants to say something to comfort the brunette, but she's not the most comforting person ever. When Aubrey lost her first case at work, Quinn comforted her by telling her at least she didn't get fired. The other blonde simply glared at her and told her she wasn't being helpful in the slightest.
Rachel pauses, not to see if the barista will say anything, but to gather her thoughts. She's honestly glad the blonde hasn't said anything, because she knows that hearing her voice would probably push her back into her shell of disbelief.
"He got me pregnant." She blurts out, and both women look at each other in shock. "I don't know why I told you that, I'm sorry-" she stands up, about to just leave, but fingers winding their way softly around the skin above her wrist has her freezing mid-step.
"Please don't." Quinn whispers, finally saying something. "Don't run away, believe me when I say it doesn't help or solve anything."
The brunette gives a small nod, then slowly sits back down. "Sorry, I tend to panic whenever I think about the abortion." Her voice cracks, and the blonde winces. "That's how I ended up here, actually." She admits, a small blush coating her cheeks as she says so.
"It's ok." Quinn says softly. "You can talk to me."
So she does. Suddenly, Rachel's telling Quinn everything, even the things she never told Beca. She tells her about the musical, about their first time, about the day she took the pregnancy tests. The Broadway star talks about how she was selfish in her decision.
"It's the biggest regret of my entire life." She finishes by saying, almost sobbing at this point.
"Hey." Quinn is shaking her head, and she delicately reaches over the table to wipe a stray tear off Rachel's chin. "You can't beat yourself up for a decision you made when you were in high school." You would know, a small voice sarcastically says in the back of her head, but she pushes the though to the side.
Rachel sees Quinn's smile falter, but she doesn't bring attention to it. It's obvious by how hard she's trying to hide it that the barista doesn't want to talk about it. "Thank you. I, uh, I didn't know I needed this."
"Of course." Quinn stands up, as does Rachel. "I should probably get back to work, but we should do this sometime."
"What, talk about depressing shit and cry in the middle of a coffee shop?" Rachel jokes with a laugh, and this time it's the blonde's turn to blush.
"No. I meant like, hang out. Really get to know each other."
The brunette's heart leaps at her words, and she slowly nods. "Yeah. I'd, uh, I'd like that."
Thank you Finn, she thinks as she turns around. It feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off her chest, and she exits the building feeling lighter than she has in a long time.
