Author's Note: I've had this idea since the Archon Quest for Liyue ~ Also, I went with the idea of the perfumes being some sort of lotion based on the in-game graphics.


There was little Rex Lapis was incapable of. As the Geo Archon, he held many titles: god of commerce, contracts, and wealth only being his most well-known. Of the Adepti, he was honored as their exemplar, their prime. Liyue Harbor, the economic capital of Teyvat, was a construction grown and natured by his own careful hands.

Yet, as he stood in front of Scent of Spring, Rex Lapis (now known as Zhongli, the humble consultant from Wangsheng Funeral Parlor) had something to admit. He…was at a total loss here.

It had been centuries since he had last tried to pursue a romantic partner, and the dating scene of Liyue had changed radically in the interim. The once lengthy process of courting, characterized by poetic love letters and handsome dowries, had now dwindled to a nigh incomprehensible series of flirtations.

Making his dilemma even more difficult was the object of his pursuit: Childe, otherwise known as Tartaglia, the 11th Fatui Harbinger. There were many things that initially shocked him about the youngest harbinger, including his straight-forward dedication to the Tsaritsa's cause and ever-generous wallet, but the greatest shock of all was his charisma. Local myth dictates that the favor of a god should be hard-earned, yet Childe had stolen his so easily that it was near blasphemy.

Safe to say, Childe was not a typical Liyuean man. So even if Zhongli were to fall back upon the traditions of yesteryears, his chances of success were still slim. No, if he were to have any chance of wooing Childe, he'd have to adopt one of the modern techniques of courtship.

The end he was pursuing now had been suggested by, of all people, the spirited young lady he reluctantly called his boss.


"Miss Hu Tao," Zhongli cleared his throat, drawing the attention of his young boss. She looked up her from notepad, in which she had been sketching an elaborate funeral pyre. Hu Tao certainly took her vow to bring funerary to the modern age quite seriously, considering Zhongli, over his millennias long existence, had never seen anything like it before. "How has your relationship been with Miss Yanfei?"

"Ah!" Hu Tao grinned brightly, and the ever-present flames in her eyes twinkled. Zhongli started to regret his query. "I didn't know you cared enough to ask, ya old geezer!"

Now he definitely regretted asking. But, alas, as Zhongli had long ago learned, there was no stopping Hu Tao once she got started.

"Well, she just came back from consulting on a case in Fontaine. It was a big one, too. She got paid a 100,000 mora, just for the consultation! Yanfei said it was terrible, though, that one lawyer took everything she said to heart and the other couldn't even be bothered to pronounce her name correctly."

As Hu Tao rambled on, she twirled her brush pen in between her fingers, matching the quick pace at which she spoke. "The only good thing that came out of it, I suppose, was this perfume she was gifted by the client. It was a genuine local specialty, made with native fruits and herbs and such, and it smells delicious!"

Zhongli took a moment to consider her words. "Perfume, you say? I didn't know you had an interest."

"I don't! But how could I resist my lover wrapped all up in a wonderful smell?" Hu Tao grinned. "It's a treat and half, I'd say!"

"Thank you for that lovely sentiment." Zhongli made a show of shuffling his papers, signaling the end of their discussion. However, his mind still lingered on her words. Perfume? The other day, while dining at Wanmin Restaurant, he overheard Chef Mao say to one of his customers that the best way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Then, wouldn't it stand to reason that one of the other four senses could work just as well?

He pondered it for a few more minutes. The traveler, while they were preparing for the Rite of Parting, did say that they were frequently misinterpreted as a suitor of sorts when they went to fetch the perfume. That meant the practice was common enough in Liyue. And, given Hu Tao's own anecdote, the other 6 nations as well.

It seemed viable.

It was worth a try.


After some more careful prodding, Zhongli was able to discover the location of Liyue Harbor's most popular perfumery: Scent of Spring. Why a ceramics store housed said perfumery eluded his understanding, but Zhongli decided to chalk it up to generational differences.

"Ah-ha!" Ying'er – the store attendant, Zhongli's brain readily supplied – came over to greet him as soon as he entered. "Mr. Zhongli! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Well – "

"Are you looking to take home one of our newest beauties?" Ying'er gestured to the various vases that lined the walls of the shop. "With porcelain as spotless as ours, customer satisfaction is guaranteed!"

"I –"

"Or maybe you're looking for a decorative ornament? This flock of birds flew in from Fontaine and will look just gorgeous splayed across your living room!" Ying'er pointed towards some small glass doves which sat atop a wooden table. True to her word, they were beautiful, but he'd doubt Childe would find entertainment in a bird he couldn't test his archery skills on.

"I'm actually –"

Before he could utter another a word, Ying'er offloaded a stained glass window into his hands. "These decorative glass panes are quite popular in Snezhnaya. Just look at the way it reflects the sunshine!"

"No, these aren't quite – " Zhongli set the panel down, making sure to exert the same amount of effort a regular human would have needed when presented with an object of its size. He briefly stopped to consider Ying'er's strength, given the ease with which she threw the pane into Zhongli's arms, but dismissed the thought to focus on his objective " – what I'm looking for."

"Oh, I've been speaking over you, haven't I? I'm sorry – you know, that's why people often say I look better with my mouth full!"

Zhongli cleared his throat awkwardly. He couldn't tell if the double entendres that could be found in Ying'er's speech were a result of ignorance or a perverted yet skilled wordsmith. Best not to comment on it. "I was told that you brew perfume."

"Oh! I'm not used to men approaching me for that," Ying'er smiled deviously – or maybe that was the only way she knew how to smile – and motioned for him to follow her. "But my little brewery has surged in popularity since the Rite of Parting."

"I'd imagine," Zhongli stated neutrally, and ducked to dodge a haphazardly-hanging chandelier.

Ying'er stopped him at the table with the doves and darted behind it. Quickly, she leant over and gathered what he assumed were the perfume samples and spread them out. "These are some of my most popular scents. Feel free to browse at your own pace."

"I actually have something specific in mind," Zhongli responded honestly. He had already spent more time here than he was comfortable with. "Silk Flower perfume, of the Valley Weaver variety."

"Huh." Ying'er regarded him oddly, but still took out the perfume. "That was the exact type used at the Rite of Parting. Is this for another funeral?"

Now it was Zhongli's turn to look confused. "It's a gift for... "

He paused, struggling to find a word that described Childe's relationship to him. Finally, he settled on: "someone dear to me."

Ying'er looked as if she wanted to say something, but, in the end, only motioned for the payment. And, despite him knowing better, he swore that he felt the stare of the glass doves' bejeweled eyes as he made his purchase.


Zhongli tried not to let himself feel pride too often, for he had seen many a mortal and immortal alike fall victim to hubris, but, right now, as he stood in the courtyard of Liyue Harbor's dining district, he congratulated himself.

He had invited Childe to an up-and-coming restaurant that boasted a unique blend of Snezhnayan and Liyuean cuisine, a gesture he knew the frequently homesick man would appreciate. He had even taken the extra care to request a table out on the extended balcony, where they could view the stars as they dined. The wind was slightly breezy, not so much as to disturb their meal, but enough so to allow Childe to smell the Valley Weaver Perfume which Zhongli had rubbed upon his wrists, neck, and signature handkerchief. While he had to lean into his connections more than he'd have liked to arrange the evening (particularly with one drunken bard), he was satisfied with the result.

"There you are, xiansheng!" Zhongli felt a heavy hand clap onto his back and turned around to face Childe's grinning visage. "Nearly thought I missed you amongst this crowd."

"The harbor does get rather busy around this hour," Zhongli noted, giving an obligatory glance to the swarm of people moving around them. The streetlights were starting to light up, prepped and posed to replace the setting sun.

"Maybe this is normal to you Liyueans, but you'd never see this many people out and about in Snezhnaya." Childe shrugged, letting one shoulder drop casually to the side. "At least, not for dinner."

"Speaking of dinner, how about we make good on our reservation and head up to the restaurant?"

"Ah, xiansheng, your taste is impeccable, as always," Childe sighed contently. "What would I do in this city without you?"

Zhongli laughed lowly, hoping his gaze didn't linger too noticeably on Childe's face. "I think you'd get by, though you might be harassed by a scammer or two."

Childe smiled deviously, tilting his head and resting his cheek on his hand. "Are you implying that anyone else could drain my wallet like you?"

"Drain wouldn't be the word I would use," Zhongli stated coolly, tempered in his response.

"How about diminish? Or deplete?" Childe leaned forward, crossing his arms, as if studying Zhongli's physical appearance was imperative to coming up with the right verb to describe his relationship to Childe's wallet. "Perhaps exhaust would work, if you want a break from the D's."

"I prefer the word exchange," replied Zhongli. "Mora is simply the price you must pay for my invaluable cache of knowledge and insight."

Childe hummed and stirred another cube of sugar into his tea. "I guess that is the work of a consultant."

The evening stilled to a gentle quiet. Childe continued fixing his tea, while Zhongli patiently finished his own cup. Zhongli usually welcomed this sort of comfortable silence, appreciated the way he and Childe could amiably coexist without a word spoken between the two, but not today. Not when their dinner had almost finished, and Childe hadn't yet commented on his perfume. He hadn't set up the whole evening only to remain 'just friends', after all.

Zhongli cleared his throat, drawing Childe's attention back to him. Then, discreetly, he drew his gaze to the side, acting as if he hadn't done anything at all and was simply staring at the stars.

"Xiansheng…" Childe looked at him oddly, curiosity evident in the glint of his eyes. "Has there been a recent uptake of widows at the parlor?"

Zhongli nearly choked on his tea. "I beg your pardon?"

"It may be rude of me to say," Childe sipped at his tea, the reluctance that his words indicated absent in his demeanor, "but you smell like those old grannies that are often swarming the docks."

Zhongli frowned. "Is it…an unpleasant scent?"

"No, but it reminds me of old age and all the horrible things that come with," Childe stated plainly, using his chopsticks to swiftly spear through one of the rice buns they had ordered for dessert. His technique still begs for improvement, Zhongli belatedly noted. "Y'know, the aging, slowly losing your agility, your senses, and then, ultimately, your mind…"

Silence hung thick in the air. Safe to say, Childe's little tangent had completely crushed any of Zhongli's hopes for a romantic mood.

Childe let out an awkward laugh, realizing the effect his words had had on the atmosphere. "Ha, ha! But you and I don't have to worry about that anytime soon, right, Zhongli? In fact, why don't we have a round of vodka, on me, to celebrate that fact?"


"Mr. Zhongli," Ying'er looked up from a vase she was polishing as he entered the shop, "back so soon?"

"Unfortunately." Zhongli let out some of his world weariness, accumulated over a 6,000+ year existence, in a heavy sigh, and seated himself on top of a small wooden stool near a collection of ceramic cranes.

"I can't say I'm surprised." Ying'er's fingers were as deft as her tongue, and she quickly reassembled the sample options. "You're such a handsome man, so I was sure your lover would be young and free as well."

Well, Zhongli reasoned, if you had to describe Childe, young and free would certainly do just fine. "And what would you recommend for that type?"

"Hmm, the young ladies of the town are divided between these two scents." Ying'er placed a careful finger on the rim of each pot. "Those who dream of riches favor Fate's Yearning, and those who already have them prefer Golden House Maiden."

"Golden House Maiden, most definitely."

Ying'er gave him a bright grin as she packaged the perfume. "How lucky for you!"


Unlike last time, Zhongli decided to discard the formalities of a carefully-planned evening out. (Perhaps the proper atmosphere of the evening had actually been to the detriment of the romantic ambience?) Instead, he simply rubbed the scent across his body and set out to visit Childe during his lunch break.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Zhongli," greeted a wandering Fatui agent as soon as he entered the Northland Bank. "Mr. Childe is currently in his office. You are free to either enter or wait here while I notify him of your arrival."

"I'll go on ahead," Zhongli responded, waving the agent off. Quickly, he made his way to Childe's office, trying to shake off the prying eyes of the bank's occupants. He doubted that any of the lesser agents actually knew of his true identity, but it was, nevertheless, best to avoid the attention of Snezhnaya's expert intelligence network. Besides – he couldn't think of a worse situation than trying to woo Childe whilst surrounded by judging Fatui.

"Childe, may I come in?" Zhongli knocked on the door twice, waiting (somewhat impatiently) for Childe's reply.

"Of course, xiansheng!" Childe called out. "I'm just signing off on some papers."

Zhongli gently pushed the door open and hung his coat on the rack opposite Childe's desk. Childe looked up and nodded at him, which Zhongli took as a cue to begin discussing their lunch plans.

"My sources say that Wanmin Restaurant is debuting a new recipe today, so I was hoping we could go and sample the dish. If we leave within the next five minutes, we should be able to beat the lunch rush."

"Your sources? What are they," Childe grumbled, finishing off another paper with a defiant stroke from his pen, "the adepti?"

"Why, yes, actually," Zhongli blinked. "I was advised to try the dish by Miss Yanfei, who had been one of Xiangling's taste testers. How did you know?"

"I – " Childe sighed, then dismissed the matter at hand. "Never mind."

Childe swiftly deposited the newly-signed document on top of the intimidating pile of papers on the right-side of his desk. Letting out a heavy yawn, he rose from his chair, and then paused. His eyes scanned the room, before landing on Zhongli with startling intensity.

"Zhongli, come over here."

Zhongli promptly obeyed. He wasn't sure exactly what Childe wanted, but the command seemed like a good sign.

Childe rested his head upon Zhongli's shoulder, and inhaled deeply. Zhongli felt uncomfortably hot. Through the thin layer of his dress shirt, he could feel Childe's cheek. It was soft.

When Childe tilted his head up, however, he wasn't blushing or looking particularly love struck. He looked…victorious?

"I knew it!" Childe laughed, a short sort of chuckle that should have not been as attractive to Zhongli as it was in that moment. "This is the same perfume I smelled on Ekaterina earlier! Tell me, Zhongli, did you purchase this within the city?"

Zhongli nodded. It was all he could do right now.

"And it can only be bought here?"

Speech returned to him. "It was made from an independent brewer so, unless there exists someone who can copy her recipes and techniques exactly, yes."

"Ah-ha!" Childe pounded his fist into his hand triumphantly and started to pace around the room. "Ekaterina tried to fool me, saying it was a gift from her parents back home, but I had a sneaking suspicion she had gotten it from that blushing Liyuean girl I often see sneaking around the premises. With this information, I can consider my suspicions confirmed!"

Zhongli just stared at him. Ekaterina? That was…. the receptionist, was it not? Though, perhaps "Personal Childe Watcher" would be a more apt description of her duties. Even so, why would Childe know about her makeup routine? Were they dating? Is that why he cared so much about her relationship with that "blushing Liyuean girl?" Was she having an affair? However, Childe didn't seem angry or disappointed, like one should if they had just caught their lover cheating…

He decided to broach the topic carefully. "Is this revelation…a disappointment to you?"

"On the contrary!" Childe grinned. His eyes were so very bright. Zhongli felt his heart seize. "I've just won a bet with Vlad! He thought she was too professional to mix business and pleasure like that, but I've seen more stone-faced agents than her fall victim to the traps of local charm."

Childe looked at him, and a more muted smile came to rest on his face. "Though I wouldn't have guessed that it was popular among men as well!"

Zhongli usually disliked lying, but this time, it was necessary. For his pride. "My boss – Director Hu Tao – sent me out to purchase some for a particularly finicky client. When I arrived, the brewer was quite insistent on having me try some on, even though she knew I wasn't the intended recipient. I didn't have it in my heart to refuse such a genuine offer."

Childe laughed again. "You're too polite, xiansheng! You should really just come out and say what you mean, y'know?"


"Hello again, Mr. Zhongli!" Ying'er pushed another set of perfumes across the counter and towards him. "As much as I enjoy your visits, I can't help but wish they were in better circumstances. I don't think I've ever seen a man look so displeased with my services."

"The fault is all my mine," Zhongli sighed and opened his wallet. "When it comes to these matters, I'm afraid I'm nothing but a fish out of water."

Ying'er swiftly wrapped and handed him his purchase, which Zhongli took gratefully. Contemplatively, he continued his statement, "However, I do believe that, this time around, I have a foolproof plan."


"Here."

With a brusque manner unbefitting of his usual character, Zhongli slid the perfume pot across the table and towards Childe. The younger man regarded the gift oddly, which Zhongli couldn't fault him for. After all, Zhongli did interrupt their afternoon tea for this stunt.

"What's this?" Childe picked up the jar, weighing it in his hands.

"It's a gift," Zhongli stated simply. It was hard to summon the courage to say more.

Childe unscrewed the lid and dipped two fingers into the pale pink mixture. Tentatively, he lifted his hand and examined the result, though he seemed to be more focused on Zhongli than anything else. He kept peeking up at him through his lashes, and Zhongli couldn't help but find the sight distractingly adorable.

Then, Childe smiled, a bright grin that spread across his face and pulled at the corner of his eyes. "Ah, I get it now!"

Zhongli held his breath. He could feel his heartrate pick up.

This was it.

"I've been searching for a souvenir to send home for Tonia, and this fits the bill perfectly! Y'know how hard it is to shop for young girls these days – or, well, maybe you don't know – but I should've guessed that you'd be able to come up with something. After all, you know everything about Liyue!"

Zhongli opened his mouth – to say what, exactly? He didn't know – but was preemptively silenced when Childe crossed the room and swept him into his arms.

"Thank you so much, xiansheng!"

Zhongli sighed, and placed his hand firmly on Childe's back, returning his affection. He didn't have it in him to ruin the gesture.

"You're welcome, Childe."


Zhongli delicately placed the magazine back on the table, unread. As interesting as the ins and outs of Liyue's current housing market was, he wasn't in the mood for real estate today. His mind was still reeling from the rejections of the past week.

Well, they weren't really rejections, not in the traditional sense. Zhongli was starting to doubt Childe even knew he was trying to ask him out. But the sting was still there.

He was waiting in the bank's reception area for Childe. Once he arrived, they could go on their dinner date – no, he couldn't even think of using the word 'date' right now, not even in the platonic sense. It was too soon – their dinner outing. But Childe was taking longer than usual, and Zhongli was desperately trying to keep his boredom from turning into melancholy.

Just as Zhongli was starting to consider writing a traditional Liyuean poetry book for his next attempt, the door opened with a startling creak, and Childe emerged.

"There you are, Zhongli!" Childe was exuberant as ever when he greeted him, though Zhongli could tell that he was tired by the way he moved. "Did I keep you waiting?"

"Not at all." Zhongli shifted, allowing a grateful Childe to take a seat next to him on the couch. "I was just… collecting my thoughts."

"Hmm, I'd love to have some time for that," Childe said. "Maybe I should ask Ekaterina to try and fit 'contemplation time' into my schedule."

"Busy week?"

"You said it." Childe didn't elaborate further, and Zhongli didn't need him to. He knew enough about the Fatui and their dealings to grasp some sort of sense of the workload Childe must be undertaking. Thus, Childe's recent fatigue wasn't all that surprising to him.

Then Childe wrapped his arms around Zhongli and laid his head to rest on his shoulder.

Oh.

"Have I ever told you that you smell nice?" Childe tugged at his shirt's collar, aimlessly, and Zhongli felt his brain malfunction. He knew erosion was inevitable, but he hadn't expected it so soon. "Like… rocks… but good rocks…"

"I don't think you've ever informed me of that before, no."

"It's nice." Was Childe repeating words, or were Zhongli's ears ringing? "Comforting, y'know?"

"I don't often spend time thinking about how I smell," Zhongli lied.

Childe hummed and continued cuddling – he never thought that 'Childe' and 'cuddling' would be in the same sentence, but here he was – with Zhongli. He had no clue what he was saying or what to say. Then again, that wasn't much different from how he'd been feeling the past week.

After what felt likes ages, but what was in actuality only a good minute and a half, Childe untangled himself from Zhongli and stood up.

"Let's get going, shall we? I'd hate to miss our reservation at the pavilion."

Zhongli quickly rose as well, trying not to look too awe-struck. "An excellent idea."

Childe started towards the exit, before turning back to look at him. Belatedly, Zhongli realized Childe was holding his hand out.

"Well, c'mon, then!" Childe gestured for Zhongli to follow him. "We can't be late for our date!"

Zhongli took his hand. For some reason, it smelled like Silk Flowers.


AN: Childe That Random Merchant - destroying Zhongli's worldview in a single sentence.