Authors note: I've had a lot of PM's asking me about the last chapter so I just wanted to clarify a few things here for everybody. 1) Jay doesn't mean a lot of what he's saying, he's saying it to hurt Erin because he was hurt. Especially when it comes to blaming her for Olinski, I think I briefly mentioned Jay decided to go on attack mode because that was the only way he knew how to be defensive to what Erin has said. He's been blind all these years to his part in Erin leaving because he was so hurt by it, and so now that he's recognised he had a part to play he's putting his walls up. 2) That punch thrown by Erin was in no way, shape or form meant to be a form of domestic abuse. I'm sorry if it came across that way and offended anyone in the process. I originally wrote it as a bitch slap, but I felt that was too cliche for a character like Erin who was always so fiesty. In my mind, the punch was a reaction to what Jay had just said, something that flipped a switch in Erin and was a result of a heated moment, not a learned behaviour or a pattern of abuse. Also, the punch in my head wasn't a hard one, it was meant to be something to catch Jay off-guard enough for her to leave. I thought that was clear in my writing, but it wasn't. Domestic abuse is no joke, and not something that can be taken lightly and excused, and it's not something I'm familiar with either so looking back I feel like I have no business writing about something that could be interpreted that way by survivors. For this reason, I apologise and have gone back and edited that part. Now that that's clarified, please enjoy the next chapter!

Jay stood there for a moment, dazed and in shock about what had just happened. He'd seen Erin angry before when they were together. Sometimes the ire was directed at him, and sometimes at someone else, but never before had he seen her look to be in a place so dejected. This anger stemmed from a deep rooted hurt, he could see that much.

He couldn't just leave things like this. She was his friend. Even if they weren't on a platonic level currently, he decided she was an important person in shaping him to be the man and the cop he was today. And for that reason, he cared. He cared enough to go after her and make sure she was okay. He owed it to her for all the times she had been there for him in the past. He owed it to Hank, who was her family and lay there comatose instead of Jay. And he owed it to himself, to get closure and to finally come to peace with how things had ended between them (as he now realised he had failed to confront all these years).

Jay exited the room, looking both left, right and left again frantically looking for any trace of evidence telling him where Erin had gone. But it was to no avail, she had vanished in the moments it had taken him to regain composure after she left. He ran downstairs to the ER, hoping he could catch her leave but she wasn't there. As he stood there amongst the hustle and bustle of the Emergency Room, Jay felt the room spinning. He seemed to be the only thing standing still in the midst of all this chaos and madness.

Jay took out his phone and dialled her number but it went straight to voicemail. He tried a second, and a third time but he got the same reply. He could begin to feel himself getting frantic.

"Hey Jay, what are you doing back here?"

Will walked up to him confused.

"Why didn't you call to tell me Voight seized?"

Recognition dawned on the older Halstead's features, and he simply nodded to himself at the awareness.

"Erin told you?"

"Erin?" Jay asked confused. Why would Will think Erin called him?

Panic filled Will's features, as he looked guiltily at Jay. Almost like he said something he shouldn't have.

And then it clicked to Jay. Erin had questioned him earlier on if it was Will that called him. Will was aware she was here.

"You knew? You knew she was here and you didn't call to tell me?" Jay's words were tainted with anger.

"Alright, back up Jay," Will spoke with his hands held out in front of him defensively. "It wasn't my place to tell you, and it's not yours to care."

"What does that mean?!" Jay asked insulted.

Why wouldn't he care?

Will sighed disapprovingly.

"Jay, what are you doing?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jay found himself asking once again.

Will looked at his younger brother, searching his face for clues before he spoke.

"Jay, you're engaged. To a great woman who cares about you deeply and has been there every step of the way..."

"It's not like that," Jay began to say but was cut short by Will's last utterance.

"... unlike some people."

And now Jay was beyond pissed off. He was mad at Erin too earlier. But he had reason to be. Will didn't get to pass judgement on her, he barely knew what happened. Jay shut down completely after she left, to this day, no one, not even Will and Hailey knew the truth about what had transpired between him and Erin. He had placed a mental block on everything up until tonight.

So now, in a shocking twist of events, he found himseld defending Erin Lindsay.

"You don't know what it's like for her, what it's been like for her," he began.

"Maybe not, but I do know what it was like for you."

"Will, I wasn't exactly innocent in all that went down," his words reminded him of Erin's pain he had witness not too long ago, and the unsettled feeling he was left with upon his discovery.

The reminder of it alone left Jay frowning.

"Enlighten me."

Jay shook his head, half in denial and half in disbelief.

"There's something she's hiding from me Will," Jay's voice sounded forlorn, the frustration surrounding all the questions behind Lindsay's return apparent in it.

"Jay, I'm telling you this cause you're my brother. Let it go, for your sake, for Hailey's, heck even for Erin's."

But Jay wasn't going to let this go. Will knew it as the words left his mouth from the strong-willed look on his face, the way his jaw set so hard.

"Something happened to her Will. She had jagged marks all over her wrist. I've not ever seen her like this. Not even after Nadia died. It's like the light has just switched off inside her. I swear to God Will, she looks defeated. And I can't get her dead eyes out of my head."

"Jay..." Will sighed.

What could he do to get his brother on board?

"Just give me this one thing man, I swear if it's nothing I'll leave her well and truly alone. But just do me one favour."

Will didn't say anything, but looked at him expectedly as though to say carry on.

"She must've had surgery with those marks, or at least stitches. There's no way she's left with marks that deep without it being serious. Please ring up around the hospitals in New York, find out what happened."

Will couldn't believe what he was hearing. He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"You know they don't just hand out medical history on patients to random people Jay. There's a thing called HIPAA, you know that right?"

"But you aren't just anyone, you're a doctor. You dabbled in plastics up there. Say she's your patient and your treating her skin."

"Jayyyy..." Will dragged out his brothers name as though he was absurd. "I could lose my medical license for this."

He wanted his Jay to realise how crazy what he was asking for was.

"Please man, I'm begging you. Are you really going to tell me you've not crossed the line before? For something, or someone you cared for?"

Will thought back to Jennifer Baker and the whole DNR fiasco. A wave of guilt spread through him as he recognised that Jay was right. He had crossed the line before, pretending he was above it.

With that he reluctantly added, "I'll see what I can do."

Jay upturned his lips appreciatively at his brother. Nothing more needed to be said on the matter, they had an understanding.

"Hey, did you see Erin leave here?"

Will shook his head.

"No, why what's up?"

Before he could answer April popped up from behind the side pillar Jay was leaning on.

"I saw her headed for the roof."

It was all Jay needed to hear, and he was halfway there.

"Thanks April," he said as he jogged his way to the elevators.

Once he arrived on the rooftop, he noticed how calm it was up here in comparison to the hustle and bustle of the ER. Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, (it had passed midnight after all) it was dead quiet up here. Jay couldn't see anyone in sight.

"Erin?" he called out.

There was no reply.

"Erin?" he called out again, "you up here?"

Still nothing.

Jay sighed. He guessed she had left already in the time he was speaking to Will. But as he turned to leave, a small sound stopped him. It was a strange guttural cry, like a wounded animal, which grew increasingly louder by the second. Jay's chest clenched at the very sound of it. It was a painful cry of grief, and merely listening to it was unbearable.

Following the noise, Jay found Erin sitting on the damp ground in the dark. Her hands were wrapped tightly around her knees as she rocked herself slightly back and forth.

Jay didn't know what to do or say. He was at a loss for words. Seeing her like this was once again a stark reminder that the Erin Lindsay he once knew was not the same person in front of him. Or at the very least, that she had changed, perhaps due to circumstance. The Erin Lindsay that he knew was toughened up by the streets of Chicago. Nothing could bring her down, she bore whatever life threw at her. Till today, that version of Erin Lindsay was the strongest person he knew. But this Erin was a broken semblance of a person. He couldn't imagine what she had endured these past five years that would alter her character so drastically.

Jay crouched across from Erin, so that he was down to her level, her head in line with his. Although he couldn't see her face, as her head was tucked between her legs, Jay reached out a hand slowly and squeezed her knee in what he hoped would be a comforting gesture.

For a moment, Erin's sobs became louder and more uncontrolled, and Jay began to worry. Was it his presence that had worsened her sorrow? He didn't know the answer to the question that filled his head, but he kept his hand on her knee, hoping that it was comforting her to some level as she hadn't pushed it, or him, away yet.

Slowly, after what seemed like forever her cries softened, and came to a still. The only noise leaving her mouth was the soft hiccups of her after cry.

"Hey, Erin, look at me."

She ignored what he had to say.

Gently, he tucked his index finger under her chin lifting it ever so slightly.

"Please?" he added.

Lucky for him, she didn't. Steadily, she raised her head until she was looking him directly in the eyes. Jay searched her red rimmed orbs, and Erin seemed to be doing the same to him, her eyes flitting quickly from side to side.

"Erin," he spoke gently. Her hazel eyes, even as they remained marred by the tears, were as beautiful as ever and held him a trance.

They were like no other he had ever seen, he truly could see her history and into her soul simply by looking into her eyes. They held everything she felt.

And as if she could hear his thoughts, she shut her eyes quickly, cutting off his access.

"Please, don't say anything Jay," she whispered back afraid to ruin the peaceful silence she felt in that moment she stared into his piercing green eyes ."I know I told you to give me your worst, that's on me, but I don't know if I have it in me to go another round."

Her voice sounded exactly like she looked. Exhausted and lonely, and Jay found it chipping away at his heart.

"I'm not here to patronise you Er," this time he didn't care if he called her by her nickbame.

They may not have been on familiar terms at the moment, but her loneliness had him determined to do whatever was in his power ro tell her he was there for her. He would be as much of a friend to her as she needed him to be.

To Erin, the sound of his old nickname had her opening her eyes again to look him in the face as he spoke. His change of tone was definitely different to what it was downstairs, and it confirmed to her that wasn't here to pick a fight.

"I'm really sorry Erin. What I said back down there, that wasn't... I didn't mean it. Any of it... or at least not in the way that it sounded. I just guess seeing you after all this time came as a shock and some old wounds that I thought had healed resurfaced."

"I never meant to hurt you Jay. I swear, that was never my intention."

"I know," he replied with a sad smile.

Erin returned the look on his face with one of her own, and in that moment a sense of amicability grew on them both. She reached out and cupped the side of his face to let him know that she didn't want to fight anymore. Jay flinched at her sudden action, it was enough to make Erin recoil in her shell slightly as she dropped her hand. He instantly regretted it. He didn't want to make her feel as though she couldn't be comfortable around him. But he knew he meant it platonically, he just didn't know where she stood. He was with Hailey now, and he would never want to give Erin the wrong impression and end up hurting her, or Hailey, or them both. Jay never was that kind of man, and he hoped to God he never would be.

He stood up, dusting himself off. A wave of sadness washed over Erin as she thought he was leaving. She had crossed a line somewhere and now he was going. But much to her surprise he stood towering over her, stretching both his arms out and beckoning at her with his hands as though to say, "come on, give me your hands."

Erin arched one eyebrow perfectly at him questioning him.

"You'll get yourself all wet and catch a cold if you stay down there on the damp ground," he explained, wiggling his hands in front of her again to offer her his support.

After a short consideration, Erin decided to take him up on it, raising both her hands and placing them in his, as he helped her up to her feet. As she did so, she noticed the warm feel of his hands against her own. They felt strong and familiar around her own, and she felt safe, like she was where she was meant to be.

Once she was on her feet, she dusted herself of before looking around for a place to sit. There wasn't anywhere.

Jay caught on to her search.

"Why don't we lean up against the railings?" he suggested. He knew Erin had always loved to watch the Chicago skyline at night from their apartment. Watching the city at night had always offered her a sense of clarity whenever she needed it. He hoped doing so now at the edge of the rooftop would give her the same feeling, and make her feel at home again in Chicago.

She took him up on his offer, slowly following his lead to the edge. They stood side by side, shoulders almost touching, arms crossed out in front of them over the railing.

After a while or staring at the cars below them, Jay spoke, breaking the solitude.

"I want to say this to clear my chest. What you said downstairs... about me thinking you were to weak to bear my burdens with me... I meant what I said Erin. It was the opposite. You were the strongest person I knew, you carried everyone around you and I just couldn't be another person to burden you. I should've made things clearer that night and then after, I didn't leave you. I know I said I wanted space but I always intended on coming back... I guess I just never made that part clear. I'm sorry if you felt like you couldn't be around me anymore to leave your home and your family."

Erin shook her head.

"Me leaving Chicago was never about you Jay. You were the last person to chase me out, believe me. But I was struggling. With finding out Jimmy wasn't my father, to you being married..."

Jay shuddered slightly at the memory. He should never of put her through that.

"It's funny, because right as my life started spinning out of control I told you just when my life felt somewhat normal, there's another pothole."

Jay remembered that memory well. It was on one of the rare occasions Erin was sat in the passenger's seat, so as not to blow their cover whilst they tried to bait whoever it was that set up Kelly as DUI suspect.

" I guess what I didn't see was a whole damn ditch because it was no pothole. Cause then the shooting with that young boy and seeing the pain I had caused his mother in the morgue."

But surely she could see after all this time, that wasn't her fault. She did what she had to to protect her own life.

"Erin..." he began to challenge her but Erin raised her palm out to stop him and continued speaking instead.

"He may of been a threat to my life, but to her I would always be the woman who robbed her little boy of a future," she said, almost as though she had heard what he was thinking.

"He was a kid. Younger than I was before Hank pulled me off the streets. He had his whole life ahead of him, he didn't deserve that. And I began to sink with the guilt of it all. Then with IAD coming after my badge, I knew I couldn't risk you all losing your jobs. The FBI cut me a deal and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to do what was right. I didn't mean to leave without saying goodbye, but Hank helped me come to the desicion I made."

"He did?" Jay questioned. He remembered asking Hank about Erin continuously after she had left, each time, his boss had played none the wiser.

"Yeah, told me to leave and not to look back. He knew if I did, I'd crumble. I had every intention of telling you in person, but once I bid farewell to Hank and got a taste of how difficult it was I couldn't do it again. And I couldn't put you through thinking of a possibility of someday and leave things open ended like we had in the past. A clean break was best for both of us."

Jay mentally shook his head. How wrong she was. He was completely lost without her those months after she left. Did she not know how he would barely sleep a wink at night, staring at his phone hoping she would return one of the many missed calls he had sent her? But he couldn't voice that now. Because that was five years ago, and doing so now would do nothing except make her feel guilty. He didn't want to put her through unnecessary grief. Not when he had witnessed the state she was in earlier. So he pivoted.

"So the FBI, huh?" he questioned lightly. "That's even more impressive than the joint task force."

Erin let out a short humourless laugh.

"Yeah... you could say that."

"Come on Erin, it was hardly a bad deal. Instead of losing your job, you got promoted and Bunny got let off scot-free. Not that she deserved it if you asked me."

The moment he mentioned Bunny, Jay felt Erin tense.

"Can we not talk about Bunny please?" Erin managed out through gritted teeth.

"You finally cut her loose huh? Good for you Er."

"She's dead!" Erin snapped.

Jay reeled at the news, his head recoiling at the new information.

Erin sighed.

"I was working late one night. I got a call saying she was found in an alley behind a nightclub. O'D'd as if it could be anything else."

Her voice grew sad.

"Teddy blamed me. Said if I hadn't bailed her out like I did my whole life she'd of been serving time and wouldn't of been able to get her hands on the drugs. Cut me out of his life too. Probably for the best seeing as everyone and everything around me gets destroyed," her hands were nervously wringing one another out by now.

Jay could hardly breathe from what he was hearing. Erin had lost the only two blood relatives she had, and now Hank could possibly die too. He hated that she had suffered through so much loss and pain. Her words he had overheard when he arrived at the hospital earlier that night now haunted his mind.

"Please don't leave me... You're all I have left."And now Jay understood the sorrow this Erin carried around with her. She had suffered more than any one person should have to in their lives. And there was nothing he could do console her.

"Whatever you need, I'm here, always," Jay said, offering her shoulder a small squeeze.

Erin turned to face him, muttering a thanks in reply.

"That's the thing Jay. You always are. Always have been. Whenever I needed you, you were there. You never gave up on me. I'm just sorry I never got to return the favour."

Jay couldn't begin to tell her how much he appreciated her apology. But they would both benefit from moving on, so he voiced that instead.

"Water under the bridge. I won't apologise for the past if you don't. Deal?"

The mentioning of the world 'deal' put a small grin on Erin's face, bringing up so many happy memories of the bets and deals they had previously made together.

"Deal," she replied.

Her reaction had warmed Jay's insides, knowing he was able to remove some of the pain he had witnessed her experiencing. Even if it were only for a moment.

They stood there in comfortable silence for a moment before a slow yawn escaped Erin's lips.

She knew it was time for them to go. Jay caught on to it. He nudged her shoulder playfully and offered her a small smile.

"Come on, let's get you home."