Authors note: Trigger Warning, we finally get to find out about Erin's scars. It's not pretty and is actually quite heavy. I was very reluctant to write something so dark and so heavy, mentally its quite draining to even write about. But I also knew with Erin's history and her previous struggles, I needed something authentic to explain what had happened to her whilst she was in New York and why she stayed away for so long. Still, once its revealed, its not as straightforward and easy as it seems. More will be revealed as the chapters go on. Also, I wanted to clarify that Hailey's silence over knowing about Erin's return isn't her being vindictive or passive aggressive. Like Jay, she's struggling with Erin's return, but for different reasons. She understandably would be worried about her relationship status with Jay, but I meant what I said. I'm not writing her to be competitive, or bitchy or manipulative over Jay. The version of Hailey that I'm writing cares deeply for Jay and just wants what's best for him. She doesn't have it out for Erin. Is she reluctant over Erin's return, yes. Any woman would be if their fiancé's ex was back in the picture. But is she going to become vindictive because of it? Well in this story, no. Also, this might be the last chaoter I write for the next week or so. My RSI pain is getting quite bad, and constantly holding my phone in quarantine has been a nightmare for the pain so I'll try my best, but we'll see. With that, Happy reading.

Jay struggled to concentrate on his work for the next few hours. Between his unresolved conversation with Hailey, and the sudden news that Erin was aware he was engaged to her, he could feel his mind spinning out of control. He would glance over at Hailey's desk every so often to see if he could observe any changes in her behaviour, any anger, or pain, but each time Hailey was so focused on her work, that she barely realised Jay was looking at her.

Get a grip, Halstead he had to remind himself over and over again when it all got too much mentally. He wondered if anyone else in the team noticed his erratic state of mind, but if they had, they didn't seem to say anything. His hands clenched the edge of his desk so hard, that you could see the whites of his knuckles. He wanted so badly for this all to be a nightmare he would soon wake up from, but then quickly retracted the thought. If that were the case, Erin wouldn't be back in his life right now, and he came to the admission that didn't care how nightmarish his life became for him, If Erin was there, then whatever life threw his way he would take it, because she was worth it.

He had missed her. That much was true. There was no point in even denying it. But thinking back on it now, more than anything, he had missed his friend. She was a rock to him all those years, grounding him, advising him, reminding him of what was important in life and what he had to let go of. And above all that, she always, always had his back.

When she had left, Jay was heartbroken, and deeply ached for the companionship of his girlfriend. The woman he thought was the love of his life and would become his future wife had just left and he was reeling from what that all meant. And then as time went on, the pain became all too much and he buried his emotions deep down where he could not think about them. Slowly but surely, he forgot the pain and loss and it turned into bitterness and resentment over time. And that's how he came to the acknowledgment that he never truly got to mourn Erin Lindsay, friend and partner.

"Jay!" he heard his name being called bringing him to the present moment.

Vanessa stood there, offering him a folder with a perplexed look on her face.

Jay shook his head slightly and flashed Vanessa a quick apologetic smile.

"Sorry Rojas, was a little too deep in thought there."

"Yeah, sure, don't sweat it," she simply replied.

It only took him a second to register the whole team had their eyes on him, with concern and confusion mixed on their faces.

"Everything alright with you, Halstead?" Adam questioned from across the bullpen.

Jay began to trip over his words as his mind struggled to catch up. Clearly, Vanessa had been trying to get his attention for some time and Jay was too deep in his thoughts to realise.

"Yeah... I'm good... don't worry about it..." Jay struggled to get out.

"You sure man? It's just..."

Jay wanted to groan loudly and slam his fist against whatever was in sight and scream at them all to stop looking at him with concern and pity. He was tired. Tired of being asked if he was okay, tired of being reassured it wasn't his fault and tired of being told how to feel. Lucky for his Platt's presence cut Adam off in his tracks.

"Halstead!" she barked. "You got a visitor."

Jay shot her a bewildered look, his face scrunching up slightly trying to rack his brain as to who would come to see him at work this early into his shift.

"Visitor?" he questioned. "Who?"

"Who do I look like to you? A messenger? You want to find out come downstairs!" Platt sarcastically grumbled.

It was at that moment that Kim's eyes shot up from her computer to his, and simultaneously so did Hailey's.

And then only one thought ran through his mind: Erin.Jay immediately jumped up from his seat with such quickness that his chair rolled back and across the room. Sparing a quick glance across his desk at Hailey, he noticed that she had observed the speed at which he had moved and she was now furiously biting away at the corner of her lip.

She knew, Jay thought to himself. She knew he assumed it was Erin downstairs waiting for him. Her behaviour told him as much. He felt guilty for a moment, but he didn't have time to take her aside to explain that he just wanted to be there for Erin like she had been there for him in the past. As a matter of fact, he didn't have the time to even ponder over it for too long without his mind straying away to the possibility of Erin waiting for him downstairs. So with one quick half apologetic look, he hurried down the stairs behind Platt.

The first thing that became apparent to Jay as he exited the steel gate that led to intelligence was that his visitor was not Erin. His heart sank slightly at the sight, but he couldn't let his disappointment fester too long due to the look on his visitors face.

Will Halstead stood there anxiously, shifting his weight from foot to foot and rubbing his hands which were extended out in front of him. His whole being exuded nerves, and if Jay could put his finger on it, he'd swear his brother looked a little nauseous and green in the face. It took a lot to warrant that out of Will. He was a doctor, he'd seen injuries as gruesome as they would come. So the fact that he looked the way he did now had Jay feeling sick with worry.

As soon as Will saw Jay approach him, the nervousness on his face changed to apprehension and pity. Like he was worried to tell Jay whatever it was he came to say.

"No," Jay was the first to speak, in denial. His mind had gone to a dark place as his the anticipation of his worry consumed him. "Tell me he's not..."

"No, no," Will was quick to reassure Jay. "Hank's fine. Well as fine as can be. He's still critical but stable..."

Jay studied Will. If Voight was fine than why did Will look like he had seen a ghost?

"Is there somewhere we can talk alone?" Will suddenly asked Jay, aware of Trudy eavesdropping over her front desk.

"Erm, yeah sure," Jay said gulping before leading Will to the sideroom at the entrance of the precinct.

As soon as they were inside, Will gestured for Jay to take a seat.Jay was getting edgy now.

"Just spit it out, Will."

"Not until you sit down," Will replied, attempting to keep the anxiousness out of his voice and to be calm.

Jay harumphed in annoyance listened to his brother and took a seat.

After a little hesitation, Will began.

"So I made some calls, like you asked.."

It was in that moment Jay understood. Will knew what had happened to Erin, what had caused those scars. And judging by the look on his face, it wasn't good. Before he even knew what it was, Jay felt sick at the idea of Erin hurt.

Jay began to stand, sitting idly waiting was making him jittery and on edge.

But Will stopped him by clamping a hand on his shoulder.

"Jay, I need you to promise you won't freak out or do anything stupid..." Will bargained.

"Dammit Will, just tell me already!" Jay was shouting now. Why was will being so sketchy and so secretive.

"A year after Erin moved to New York, she was admitted at Tisch. She came in through the ER to be treated for alcohol poisoning and... Will hesitated. "and.. and the scars on her wrist," he finally managed. "After she was resuscitated she was placed on psychiatric hold."

Jay's mind began folding in on itself. What did this all mean. Though deep down he suspected where this was all going. He felt bile rising up in his throat at the mere idea of what he suspected had happened to Erin.

"Jay, Erin was transferred to the New York Psychiatric Institute. She had attempted to take her life."

With that, Will's words confirmed Jay's suspicions shattering Jay's entire world and shaking his own reality to the very core.

Authors Note: It's a short update, but my hands were hurting too much to continue and I also didn't want to give too much away. I truly apologise if this was offensive to anybody or if it was difficult to read. Like I mentioned earlier, all is not as it appears on the surface, there's more to be uncovered which we'll get to in later chapters. A reminder this is a work of fiction, I promise, things will start getting lighter after the revelation of this chapter. No promises, but as of now, this is as dark as I intend it to get. We should be heading for some much needed comic relief and easy-going storylines now. Thanks again for your support.