Authors note: An update! Just want to thank you all for your kind messages, I'm feeling a lot better than I did earlier in the week. I've spent the week wearing a splinting, baking bread to knead dough and quite literally grounding my hands by patting soil and hugging trees! I know, I sound crazy! I'm still being cautious, but I've decided to start writing, take it by ear and see if I can manage the pain. Fair warning, updates will come a lot slower as I'll stop writing any time I begin to detect even the smallest amount of pain just because I don't want it to exacerbate. Also, heads up, this is heavy on the narrative with little dialogue. Happy reading!
Will was speaking but Jay couldn't hear a thing. As blood rushed to Jay's ears, he was remotely aware of the look of concern on Will's face and how frantic the movements of his lips became. But in that moment, Jay couldn't care less for Will's concern or how he was feeling.
Erin had attempted suicide.
She had attempted to take her life.
She had attempted to take her life.
Will's words repeated in Jay's ears like a bad vinyl on repeat. He just wanted to make it stop, even if it were for only a moment.
The Room started to spin and Jay could feel the bile rising up his throat. Staying calm seemed an impossible mission as Jay began to experience tunnel vision and the room momentarily turned black. Struggling to stand upright on his feet, the younger Halstead felt his brother's arms wrap around his wrist and guide him back down to his seat. It took a few moments, but eventually with Will's coaching, Jay's vision and hearing returned back to normal. At least relatively as normal as could be in a situation like this.
Jay could still feel the heavy rapid thumping of his heart in his chest, but he was also more aware of his surroundings.
It took Jay a moment to be able to get the words out of his mouth as he struggled to coherently organise his thoughts.
"I...Erin... what... why?"
Will looked at his brother with pity.
"Look Jay I wish I had answers for you, but there's nothing we can do. But I'm telling you, what I've told you is between me and you. It can't go anywhere, not even to Erin. If she doesn't take it well and reports it...they could have my license for this.. it's illegal..." Will's voice was ebbed in desperation. "Jay you wanted to know, I found out for you. But now, you have to promise me you're going to let this go. This isn't our business and it sure as hell isn't your fight to..."
If Jay didn't hear Will then, he certainly did now. His brother's rambling was all baseless chatter up until the point Will told him to drop it. Now Jay was alert and furious as hell. How could Will think that? Why wouldn't it be Jay's fight? He and Jay were hearing the same thing wer weren't they? Because Jay couldn't imagine in what scenario he would hear Will voice his expectation to leave Erin on her own after learning that she was in such a dark place that she was willing to take her own life.
The mere thought alone made Jay feel sick again.
He turned to Will in disgust.
"Are you serious right now?" he asked raising his eyebrows incredulously.
"You don't get what I'm trying to..." Will began to protest.
But Jay wasn't having any of it.
"No, Will. The problem here is I think I understand perfectly well," he said repulsed, barging past his brother for the exit.
Will shifted quickly standing in his path.
"Where are you going?" Will spoke. "Jay, talk to me!"
Jay was done talking though. He was done talking and he was done listening. He needed air.
"I need to get out of here. I need air," he voiced. "I can't do this with you right now, I just can't."
With that Jay dashed out of the room and out of the district.
He could faintly hear Platt calling "chuckles" in the distance, but he didn't stop. He couldn't.
Getting into his car he slammed the wheel in frustration before he started it and drove off. Jay didn't know where he was going, but he knew he couldn't stop. If he did, his thoughts would catch up with him, and then, he didn't know or trust what he would do.
He couldn't deal with silence and the stillness of his thoughts. It's something that always caused trauma for him. Even when he had returned from Kandahar. An idle mind could let negative thoughts and energy fester. So he tried. He tried his absolute best to concentrate on the cars in front of him, the road signs, the traffic lights, the pedestrians on the sidewalk... absolutely anything that would keep his mind off the fact that Erin had attempted to take her own life and whilst she was in her darkest most vulnerable place, he wasn't there for her.
She had been there for him always. Before when they weren't dating and were merely friends, she had supported him through the whole Lonnie Rodiger case. Then, as time went on and they began treading unfamiliar waters into something more, she helped him deal with the Benbenek bounty. She had helped him deal with Terry's death and had been there for him when Mouse re-enlisted and he struggled to cope with that. Even in the darkest of her times, when she fell so deep after Nadia's death, she had single handedly dragged herself out of a hole to save him from Derek Keyes. At every turn, there she was, Erin Lindsay his friend, Erin Lindsay his partner and Erin Lindsay his girlfriend. And he didn't return the favour. He didn't even call to check in on her from time to time after she left. He didn't make the effort to stay in contact as friends. As time went on, and Jay moved on with his life, he didn't even stop and pause to ask how Lindsay was doing.
Before he could dwell on that fact for much longer, his phone buzzed from his pocket.
He didn't want to answer it. With one hand still on the steering wheel, he took his phone out of his pocket to switch it off, but the moment he did, he regretted it.
Hailey's name flashed on the screen. As much as his instincts told him to ignore the call, Jay knew he couldn't. Hailey was right last night when she told him communication was key. He owed at least this much to her.
Pulling up on the curb, Jay turned off the ignition before declining her call and sending a quick message instead. Jay wasn't in the mood nor the mindset to enter a discussion or a debate. This wasn't about Hailey. He wasn't fighting her, he would have done the same if it was anyone else that called.
Got some news. Can't really talk right now but we'll speak later like you said. I'm sorry for running out without letting you know or getting it cleared first, just needed some air. I'm okay, will explain after, I love you.
Jay hesitated as he read the message over, but pressed send anyway.
And then he drove. He drove for what felt like hours. He felt like he was trapped in a perpetual time zone. And his mind still wasn't getting any clearer, his thoughts causing literal havoc. He needed to see her. He needed to see with his own eyes that she was okay, or as okay as could be, or just doing better. Whatever, he needed to see that she was still here, for his peace of mind more than anything.
The sky was getting darker now, as the sun began to set. Jay made his way as quickly as he could to med.
As he arrived at the hospital, he had a one track mind. Every thought, every ounce of him was focused on Erin and her wellbeing. He was ready to confront her. He was ready to ask away, to interrogate as the detective in him was used to. He was ready to shake her by the shoulders and scream at her to never attempt something as selfish as she had. How could she of left her friends, of left Hank? How could she of left him? Truly left him? He knew that his world shattered when Erin had left. For a while, it was void of any color and joy. But he took some comfort that Erin was still out there, doing what she needed to do.
It was time for her to move on, you need to accept that, Hank had told him. So he reluctantly did. Because it was for her sake, her needs.
His world had definitely changed for the worse when she left, but somehow it still managed to continue and to be. Yet to think now of a world without Erin in it completely... he couldn't. What would it even be?
All these thoughts of despair and grief flew out of his mind the moment he stepped into Hank Voight's room and saw her. He stood for a moment to really take her in, because for the first time since her return, Jay was able to really see her without any interruption from herself.
She was asleep in a chair by the side of Hank's bed, her feet were tucked in to her chest but her head was craned over to the side of his boss' lap. She had an arm outstretched, clutching on to the wrinkled hand of her pseudo father. And even in her sleep, her forehead was lined with worry, the anxiety noticeable on her undetecting face. Jay took in how fragile she looked, like a breakable doll. It broke him to see her so... so... broken.
He had subconsciously walked over to her. She must of sensed his presence in her space, because she stirred slightly as he inched closer, her arm twisting over. And that's when he wished she hadn't. Because now, Jay saw it. He saw it as clear as day, and he wished he didn't have to. The jagged lines that marred her porcelain skin ran deep. Jay could tell they were ebbed within, and that whatever she had attempted to cut with had damaged tissue deep within. This was no superficial cut. This was as deep as they come.
Without realising, Jay had stretched his own hand out and began tracing the marks with his fingers. If he could take it all back, undo all the pain and hurt, all the broken promises and bitter words he would. He would do it all in an instant if it meant she were okay.
Suddenly, a voice startled him.
"What the fuck?!"
He jumped slightly to look at a groggy Erin staring at him with fire in her eyes. Even in her sleepy state, he could see that much was obvious. Her voice made Jay jump slightly at it's unexpectedness. He was crouching at the side of her chair when he was tracing patterns on her wrists, so he had to pull himself up to gather himself.
Erin herself had shifted from her previous position. Snatching her arm from Jay's reach, she pulled down her sleeve to cover her wrist and stood up to put some physical distance between her and her former boyfriend.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled.
What could he say? He had clearly crossed a boundary that Erin wasn't comfortable with. She already had a difficult time opening up when they were together, and right now he should of known better. But he didn't mean to. He hadn't even noticed what was happening until she woke up and questioned him. It was like he was on autopilot without acknowledging the movements of his body.
Erin didn't say anything. She didn't explicitly accept his apology, but she also didn't lash out like he expected. Jay took that as an invitation to broach the sensitive topic.
"What happened there Er?" he whispered, his voice quiet like he was afraid to spook her.
He knew what had happened of course, but she didn't know and now that he was here ready to confront her, he knew she needed to feel like she was telling him on her own terms.
Erin shook her head stubbornly at him. Her eyes look set, determined not to waver. She bit down on her lip to stop it from trembling.
"Please don't Jay," she whispered back, her voice barely a croak.
"Hey, you can tell me," he broached again.
The words themselves took him back to simpler happier times. He had uttered the same words to her at Molly's when she pretended to be reluctant to tell him why she told Burgess it was hard to date and then work with your partner. Later, they had spent the entire night entwined together in each others arms.
"Jay, I'm begging you. Please. Drop it."
Jay lifted his tongue to the roof of his mouth in disapproval. But he knew continuing to push would do more harm than good. So he raised his palms out surrendering.
"Thank you," her face had gratitude and relief over it and Jay momentarily felt pleased with his desicion to follow her request.
"Whatever you need," he nodded.
She hesitated for a moment her .
"Whatever, Er, I mean it."
"Stay here with Hank please?" she questioned. "Let me know if he wakes up or deteriorates. I need to... I need to go do something but I'll be back in a bit," she quickly added to reassure him.
Jay was skeptical. The way she spoke said she was hiding something. But he couldn't deny her this request now, not when he promised whatever she needed. He didn't want Erin to think he was going back on his word.
Jay was reluctant, but he knew he had to let it go. So he simply nodded. Erin upturned the corner of her lip at him in thanks, before squeezing his shoulder and walking past him and through the door.
Author's note: Hope you all enjoyed, your reviews, feedback and critique is very welcomed. My aim will be to update at least twice a week if my hands permit until they're fully better. Coming up next, Jay and Erin heart to heart round two and Jay comes to Erin's rescue. I'm also thinking of doing more POV from Erin but I don't want to yet because I don't know how to without giving away the mystery that we currently get to see from Jay's POV. But I'm also thinking of doing a Hailey POV just to really see how she's feeling about everything. Let me know what you all think in the reviews x
