Author's note: This one is all interior monologue. I'm sorry if that's a disappointment but it's necessary to the progression of the plot and I also thought it could clear up Erin's sides of things with what went down with Jay. There's a lot of fluff, but it's deliberate because I don't want to give away the full story behind the scars just yet and so that is my way of maintaining ambiguity. Reminder, whilst this story is about hurt and the journey of comfort, lighter chapters of relief will be coming soon. Happy reading!
Erin didn't know what to do or who to turn to. Everywhere she turned she was reminded of memories she had buried deep, or a past that she was so desperately trying to forget. Being back in Chicago did nothing to quell the thoughts that haunted her mind.
When did everything become so messed up?! Five years ago, she was the happiest she had ever been in life. And back then, when she experienced true joy and bliss for the first time in her life, she had told herself that all the pain and grief she had endured had been worth it if it had brought her to this moment. For the first time in her life she was in love. Truly in love.
Jay Halstead had taught her the meaning of pure and selfless love. No strings attached. She had never experienced a love like it before, romantic or otherwise. Not with her mother who the word did not describe one part of her. She lacked the warmth, love and care that a mother should of had. Not with Charlie, who she had thought was her first love, but in hindsight had come to realise he was only using and grooming her. Not even with Hank and Camille, who though they had shown her what real familial love was meant to look like, it had come with strings. Both had made it clear to her once she moved in that if she didn't pull together her act, she wouldn't have them standing in her corner for much longer. She knew then, the Voights were her last hope at redemption and a better life, she had to change to reach for it. And finally not with Kelly, who though she loved, she came to understand that she was not in love with him. Not the way two lovers should be. The bond they had was best described as a deep mutual care for one another, like friends and siblings.
But with Jay, it was different. He was the first person she opened up to, fully revealed the darkest parts of herself to, that didn't run a mile in disgust or even despair. He didn't look at her and see a lost cause. Even when she pushed him away and rebelled or became her own worst enemy, he stood by her. He thought she was worth fighting for, even when she herself didn't think she was. When Hank had given up on her after Nadia died, it was the thought of Jay always being there for her and her needing to return that favour that had gotten her out. When Hank spiralled after Justin's death, it was Jay that had stood by her, comforting her and stopping her from falling down a rabbit hole. He had seen her at her worst, and he didn't run. He was the only one she had been able to trust with her darkest memories, her deepest secrets all of it.
For once in her life, she could of said that she had someone in it that she could wholly trust and depend on. At least she thought she could. Because like everyone else in her life, when the time came for it, he deserted her. And like every other time in her life, she had found herself all alone. He may of had his reasons, and they may of been justified to some extent, but in the end the result was the same. Erin was by herself, the same way she always was, the same way she always would be.
And so whilst in that former part of her life she thought she was behind the misery and finally ready to move on, the universe had a different plan. Not only did she quite literally become exiled from her intelligence family and her home after her breakup with Jay, but then she had lost her mother, and her brother, and her friend, mentor, and Uncle; Al...
Erin shook her head to free herself of the thoughts that clouded her mind. She couldn't go down that road. She couldnt relive every horrible memory and wallow in it. Not again. Not ever. She was trying her best to move on, and managing... barely. She couldn't have another setback.
Erin, when you feel yourself drowning, you can't become reclusive and bottle everything up. You have to open up and talk to someone even if every part of you is screaming not to.She remembered the words of her councillor, Tanya, whilst she was institutionalised.
Erin had struggled to tell her that she couldn't talk to anyone, because her entire life, she couldn't depend and rely on anyone but herself. She knew that by that point, no exceptions. No matter if she thought someone special had come along who was different, in the end, they weren't. In the end, her heart was broken all over again.
But if she were to stop herself from going down the path that led her to getting her scars, she had to listen to Tanya's advice. She knew standing in that hospital room with Jay that she was spinning out. Everything was too much. She was overwherwhelmed, and that didn't even factor in the part about Hank possibly never waking up again.
Erin had to speak to someone, but who? She knew she couldn't speak Jay. He would be horrified if he knew the truth and they had just gotten back to being on somewhat amicable terms. And besides that, more importantly, Jay wasn't hers anymore to seek solace in. He had moved on, found love and happiness again. She couldn't put her burdens on him, even if her were willing to help and listen. It wasn't fair to keep dragging him into her shit. It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to his fiancé.
Fiancé.Erin almost shuddered at the word. Her chest tightened at the mere thought of it, and she wasn't sure why. She knew Jay deserved happiness, and from the little time she knew and worked with Hailey, she knew the woman was as selfless and caring as they come. And she had a great bubbly personality to go with it. She was the kind of woman Jay deserved. As a fiancé and as a partner. So why did it hurt Erin so much?
Because, a small, bitter voice said from the back of her head. He replaced you with her in every sense of the word. Romantically, Platonically and even professionally. She's everything for him that you weren't.Erin shoved the spiteful thought to the side. She hadn't even seen Hailey and Jay together. Not once. She knew the thought came from a sense of self-loathing, and she knew it wasn't anything personal against Jay OR Hailey. After all, when she left him without say goodbye it was so she could set him free. It was because she knew how toxic and draining her life was, and she couldn't drag him down with her as she fell. He needed someone who brought a light into his life that she never could.
And then there was the rest of her Intelligence family. She couldn't talk to Kim about it. Her friend was too optimistic and happy to have to hear something so dark and dreadful. Not Ruzek, he would only make a joke to try and ease the tension and make her feel better and she couldn't deal with that just yet. Not Kev. As much as she loved him as a brother, they weren't that close that she could open up to him so freely. Not even Trudy, who would only look at her in pity and grief. And then the obvious.
Not Hank, because he tethered between life and death at this very moment. Hank. Her dad and mentor. He had been a father to her in every sense of the word. He may of given up on her from time to time, but he always came back. Always. She would be lost without him. No, she thought shaking her head. She wouldn't even be alive without him. Tears welled up in her eyes and threatened to spill, the occasional one eascaping from a corner eventually as it occurred to her that she may never see him open his eyes again. May never hear his gruff, yet caring voice. Dejected, she clutched the chain hanging around her neck in anguish.
She needed to talk to someone. Someone strong. Someone who knew what pain and struggle looked like and overcame it. Yet simultaneously someone she could rely on and felt comfortable enough to open up to.
But who?Pulling out her phone, she scrolled through her contacts, looking for someone, anyone, to talk to. And then she found it. She should've thought of it earlier but she hadn't been thinking clearlt enough.
But she found herself disappointment. After dialling the number, once, twice, thrice Erin realised they weren't going to pick up. Too many years had passed for Erin to deserve the forgiveness and the support of the person she wished most to talk to at this very moment.
The thought brought on a fresh wave of depression. She needed a way to drown out her sorrows. And that's how she found herself sitting at Molly's ordering a drink. Ignoring the shock on Hermann's face at her presence, Erin sunk back a shot of tequila before ordering another. As she did, she knew all too well she couldn't afford to go down this road, but she found herself there anyway.
