Author's note: I've made some references to fire and Dawsey that will probably make 0 sense. I plan on referencing it again in later chapters but i'm not going to explain it because i'm thinking (no promises) of writing about that story after I finish, and the two stories and timelines would exist in the same universe. So bear with me on that front. But if anything gets too confusing, leave a question in the review or PM me and I'll answer the best I can. I also want to take the time to reiterate that at this point, Jay is in denial over his feelings towards Erin. He cares for her, loves her, but doesn't realise his old feelings towards her are resurfacing. Anyways, Happy reading!

"I'm really sorry for bothering you Jay," Hermann said to the detective as soon as he stepped into the crowded bar, "I just didn't know who else to turn to."

He really hadn't wanted to call Jay, not when he had seen first-hand how Erin's departure had nearly broken him, and not now, when Jay had finally picked up those pieces and moved on with his life. But the elder firefighter didn't know who else to call. Severide was babysitting Lizzie for the weekend, giving Casey and Gabby much needed time to rekindle their old flames and spend a nice few days out on a getaway. So whilst Kelly was the first to come to mind, Hermann knew he shouldn't disturb him and Stella this late in the evening, especially seeing as how tired Kidd had come across during her shift earlier from her lack of sleep due to a teething toddler. So Jay Halstead was his last and final resort.

Jay looked at him with a face that said he wasn't bothered for being called out.

"Nah it's okay, I'm glad you did Hermann," Halstead said quickly looking across the bar to the owner before twisting his head around in search for the brunette he had been called to take home, "where is she?"

Instead of answering, Hermann rambled on worryingly.

"I mean she refused my offer to call her a taxi, and it's not like I could kick her out y'know? She's not even inebriated."

Jay felt himself beginning to lose his cool a little. He knew Hermann meant well, but this bar was far too crowded and stuffy, and he couldn't detect Erin in the bodies of people. When Erin had failed to turn up over two hours after she left and said she would return soon, Jay began to worry. What if she had left Chicago again without a word. Did he really miss his chance to tell her how much she meant to him? Even if it wasn't remotely in the same way as how he once felt about her. Did he really miss his chance to say goodbye? The idea had Jay made Jay into a nervous mess, but he had quickly calmed himself down by looking at the state of his comatose boss in front of him.

If he knew anything about Erin at all, he knew she was loyal to Hank Voight at a fault. There was no way she would leave his boss in this condition. He may have momentarily doubted her character earlier when Hank had first been brought into Med, but now that she had returned and he had seen her, all those doubts had been thrust aside. It's almost like he'd forgotten how she was before she had left, his memories of her tarnished for the past five years by her untimely exit from Chicago. He'd forgotten how much empathy she had. How much she cared, to the point where it would physically and mentally affect her. He used to worry about her losing sleep over the victims they would work with. He should have known better than to think she would flake and not turn up. Of course, there were some things that didn't add up to Jay, like where she was when the ACLU had come for his badge after he accidentally shot the little girl. Or why she didn't turn up for Al's funeral. What was she doing when Antonio had fallen off the rails? Why didn't she even bother with so much as a call when Jay was shot and nearly killed. But none of those instances included Hank. He shouldn't have doubted her loyalty when it came to her pseudo father.

It was during this time that he was deep in thought that Hermann had called. He had said Erin was at Molly's and he needed Jay to pick her up. For a moment, Jay's concern for Erin's whereabouts had quickly been replaced with anger at her. How could she be as reckless as to get drunk off her ass to the point where she had to be collected. Hank needed her safe and sober. And the last time Erin had decided to get drunk to drown her sorrows led her down a path so deep that both he and Hank were almost unable to pull her out. This time, Jay couldn't rely on Hank's support in all of this. This time Jay had a life outside of Erin Lindsay. He had more on his mind than worrying about her. Between his job, his fiance, and getting justice for his boss, Jay's hands were pretty much full. He thought she had learnt her lesson from the last time she turned to substances to drown out her pain and sorrows, he must've been wrong. But when Hermann had rushed to tell Jay that she wasn't actually drunk which is why her behaviour had him so worried, Jay felt guilty for once again prematurely rushing to judge her.

Jay knew he had a habit of being judgemental, and it often clouded his perception. To his defence, he usually based his judgements on his own previous experiences. But he knew he had to learn that not everyone's the same, and that over time people can, and do, change. And so, on his way to Molly's he mentally told himself that he would be there to support Erin. If she wasn't actually drunk, he wouldn't rush to take her home or force her to do something she didn't want to. He'd just sit there, waiting in the wings to make sure she was okay and make himself visible enough to let her know that he was there to support her or be a shoulder to cry on, if she needed it. If this all overwhelmed him, it must be ten times worse for Erin considering how much closer she was to Hank, and how much more she had suffered than him in the last five years than he initially thought (now that he actually knew a little about what had happened to her in New York).

Pulling himself from his thoughts, Jay turned to Hermann.

"Hey Hermann?"

The firefighter who was still rambling paused mid sentence, his mouth still open in a perfect o from the word he had stopped himself from finishing.

"Where's Lindsay?" Jay asked now that he had the firefighter's attention.

Hermann didn't reply. He didn't even turn his head. Still looking at Jay, he offered Jay a scotch with his right hand.

"This one is on the house," he said with a slight grimace on his face before he used his left hand to point to the corner of the bar near the side exit. It took a moment for Jay to find her, but when his eyes finally zeroed in on her, he clutched at the glass of scotch a little tighter in his hands, his knuckles turning white at the pressure of it.

Erin was pressed up against the wall of the bar that led to the kitchen. In front of her, or attached to her, whichever you could call it, was a dark blonde male in his early to mid twenties. He had a meaty hand resting on Erins hip as she had one placed on his forearm, her darkly manicured fingers wrapped around his bicep. She had her head thrown back slightly in laughter at what her male companion had just said, but Jay knew her. He saw past the facade. Her eyes still resembled the broken woman in the hospital room he had been with two hours prior. Jay ignored every urge within him to march over there, lift her over his shoulder and drag her sorry ass home.

But he had to remind himself of Hermann's words. And his own self-promise. She wasn't actually doing anything wrong. She wasn't drunk, or high, she was completely within her senses. He understood the Lieutenant's confusion now. Erin's behaviour didn't match that of her sober self. She was shamelessly flirting with a guy who must have been at least ten years her junior. The question was why? What did she have to gain from it?

Jay made his way through the sea of bodies, scotch in hand, as he went to seek out Erin. He wasn't going to tell her what to do but he wanted her to be aware of his presence. He didn't want her to think she was being spied on, or that he didn't trust her behaviour.

Erin's eyes darkened the moment she saw him. The action confused Jay. They had seemed fine with one another at Med before she had left. Well as fine as the circumstances could dictate. He would have thought that with the olive branch extended between them and Erin's gratitude at Jay to not pry, that they were on better terms. By the look she just gave him, it was far from the case.

"I'm not going anywhere," was the first thing she had practically hissed as soon as he reached her.

He held a hand up in surrender, lifting his glass of scotch he spoke.

"Good, cause neither am I. I'm here to drink, you want one?" he pointed with his head to Erin's nearly empty beer.

Before she could answer, the fool she was wrapped around turned to Jay in annoyance.

"Hey man, can you not see she's taken?"

Jay reeled in his neck slightly, giving the man, no, boy was a better word to describe him, a look of half disbelief, and half incredulity.

"Get out of here, go," Jay jerked his thumb at the guy.

He opened his mouth to argue, but thankfully Erin peeled herself away from the guy.

"This beer isn't going to refill itself," she said walking past Jay and sitting at a stool at the bar.

"Unbelievable," Erin's former friend muttered under his breath sulkily.

"Yeah, jog on," Jay called out after him as he stalked in the other direction.

Jay knew he was being completely ridiculous. But the guy whose name he still did not know had pissed him off. He hadn't done anything wrong, he wasn't drunk, and neither was Erin, and his actions around her seemed to be consensual. And yet Jay couldn't help but feel contempt towards the guy. He had to know that Erin was way out of his league right. Maybe it was the fact that the guy was punching well above his belt and acting like he had a claim on Erin when he had just met her that had him looking at the guy in distaste. Jay downed his scotch before walking towards Erin who he saw downed two shots of tequila one after the other as she waited for him. Jay winced slightly as he watched. If she wasn't drunk when he had arrived, she certainly would be soon.

Taking a seat next to her at the bar, he waved down Hermann and ordered two beers before turning to face her.

Don't be patronising. He reminded himself.

So he plastered a signature smirk on his face, one that he hadn't worn in a long time. One that only she knew too well.

"I didn't really take you for the cougar type," he said with a light chuckle before taking a sip of his beer.

Erin narrowed her eyes slightly at his comment before giving him a small smirk in return. She was definitely buzzed, Jay noted to himself as he watched her.

"There's a lot you still don't know about me Jay Halstead," she said with a suggestive smirk of her own, taking a sip of her own drink.

With the neck of his bottle still against his lips, Jay muttered a quiet "don't I know it". Unfortunately, Erin had heard him. She took a deep sigh.

"I called him," she began to ramble, "I called him and he didn't pick up. Does he really hate me?" she now mused to herself.

Jay felt uneasy. Who was she referring to? It made him realise that Erin had a whole life for herself, outside of him and Chicago that he knew nothing about. But looking at her now, he knew he couldn't interrupt her. She looked now to be deep in thought somewhere, her speech a mere figment of the thoughts going on inside her head. Jay was afraid that if he interrupted her now, she would realise she was saying something she didn't mean to, or want to, and she would shut down on him.

Jay waited for her to continue as she paused, swinging her head back to take a drink from her bottle.

She stared into the distance as she spoke, "everyone I love or care for gets hurt. Everywhere I look around me, all I see is pain."

It was the sadness in her voice that had Jay abandoning his resolve to not interrupt her. He couldn't stand to see her blame herself. He knew what it was like to go down that route, and lucky for him, Hailey and the rest of the team had been there to support him and help him see a way out.

"Erin," he said, his voice turning serious. Her head turned to face him, her sad hazel eyes training in on his own, " I need you to hear me when I tell you that every bad thing that has happened to you isn't because of you, and it certainly isn't your fault."

Erin dropped her gaze from his momentarily, he noticed her beginning to play with the hem of her sleeve on the hand that bore her scars.

"Even when that bad thing is self-inflicted?" she muttered dryly to herself more than to anyone in particular.

Jay's heart plummeted. He knew what she was talking about, but of course, she didn't know he knew. Was she finally going to open up and tell him. Before he knew it, she chugged down the rest of her beer in one breath before ordering another two tequila shots. Before Hermann began to pour, he gave Jay a look as though to ask if he should continue. Jay gave him a discreet nod. He knew she would definitely be drunk by the end of it, but if Erin playing with her sleeve was any indication as to what turn the conversation was going to take, then he knew she would need it. Heck, he needed it himself, but he couldn't because getting drunk to drown the pain of listening to her story would be no help to Erin. He needed to be strong for her.

Downing both shots in record time, Erin winced slightly at the taste before she started speaking. The alcohol had definitely hit her system and now her thoughts were forming into words on her tongue and flowing a lot more freely.

"One thousand eight hundred and sixty," her voice was barely audible.

"Er?" Jay questioned, not following.

"One thousand eight hundred and sixty days since I left Chicago," she answered not looking him in the eye.

Jay couldn't help the gasp that escaped his lips. She had counted this whole time?

"One thousand eight hundred and sixty days since I've been living in purgatory. Or maybe it's my own personal hell," she shrugged, "It sure seems to be."

A lone tear escaped her eye now.

"Four months after I left Chicago, I was in a really dark place. Bunny had just died and I felt relieved. It made me feel sick with myself. Teddy certainly was. He blamed me. I was ready to end it all. Come back home to Chicago, consequences be damned. Bunny was dead, I had no one left to protect with my deal. I began drinking, and it started to affect my work. I began turning up late to work, making erroneous calls. Spencer began noticing and called Voight. I told him I was thinking of returning home. It was at that time that I saw what had happened to you and the shooting with the little girl on the news. The thought of you being alone through all that without backup.." Erin paused to hiccup, "I wanted to be here for you… I needed to be home.."

She was struggling now. Her tears were falling freely and the forlorn look on her face had Jay wanting nothing more than to hold her in his arms, tell her it was okay, and never let go.

"Hank said you didn't need me. He said if I returned, I would only bring up old wounds and make things worse especially since you'd moved on. Said you had a girlfriend and you had backup. I guess Hailey's good for you," she added with a sad smile.

Jay frowned at the news. Hank had lied through his teeth. Why would he lie about it when he saw how much Jay was struggling without her in his life. He had needed her and his boss had kept her away. Yes, things had worked out. He had found love with Hailey now, but Voight could have saved him from unnecessary grief and pain. He felt anger beginning to bubble in his chest at his boss' actions, and a small part at Erin too for so easily believing his boss.

"That wasn't true," Jay abruptly said. He needed her to know that moving on from her hadn't been easy. In fact, it was one of the toughest things he had ever had to do.

Erin stuttered.

"But..but you're engaged to Hailey."

Jay felt ashamed once again as he heard her say it out loud that she hadn't heard the news directly from him.

He bit his lip harshly, sipping on his beer quickly before speaking.

"I am… we are… but we only got together two years ago," Jay clarified avoiding eye contact. This conversation had taken an awkward turn and was making him uncomfortable. So Jay found himself deflecting once again to take the attention off of him.

"You know me Er. It took me years to get over you leaving. How could you believe him? How could you think I could move on from you in four months. Did you not know what you meant to me? I told you I loved you."

Erin choked back a cry at the memory.

"You did," she nodded, "and then you left. I'm not blaming you Jay, I swear. And I'm not saying this to let old wounds resurface either, you said it was temporary and you needed space and I believed you. But then you started going out with Natalie, and your life started returning to normal. I heard through the grapevine, here at Molly's actually a few weeks after your birthday, that Natalie had asked you out and you didn't say no. Not immediately anyway. They said you thought about saying yes…" she took a deep breath trying to control her voice and her emotions.

Jay felt remorse at her words. His poor decisions had caused her this pain.

"Jay I was waiting for you to sort your life together so that we could look forward to the future, and there you were contemplating a different one to the one I had in my mind with somebody else. I was still here, and you were moving on in front of me, right before my eyes."

Jay swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn't know what to say. Erin herself had begun slurring her speech. Evidence that she was intoxicated to Jay, indication that whatever was now coming out of her mouth was not being filtered.

"There were a few reasons I left Chicago without a goodbye. I didn't lie yesterday when I said I did it so you could have a clean break and move on from my toxic life. But another was because a part of me questioned whether you still cared. You said the move was temporary but when your life went back to normal and you didn't come back, and then you started going on dates… I thought you didn't want me anymore and just didn't know how to say it," her voice was barely a whisper now.

"I was going to propose to you," Jay blurted. He didn't know where the sudden outburst had come from, but hearing Erin revealing how she felt had him reduced to tears at the consequences of his actions.

Erin's eyes widened in shock, her mouth agape as she placed a hand to her forehead in disbelief at what she had just heard. If the circumstances of the conversation were different, Jay would have teased her at how comical she looked.

"I…."

Jay looked at her red swollen eyes before reaching over to place a hand on her own and squeezed it in comfort. The small act brought him comfort too, as he felt warmth spreading through his hand from the connection.

"Natalie… I should have never even thought about it….It wasn't fair to you and not to Will either. I guess I was looking for a distraction to all the pain. And you were struggling with your own battles, I didn't know where to turn to. We went together platonically to a Hawks game and she was a good listener. I indulged the idea for a split second and I shouldn't have but believe me Er, a second didn't go by in all that time when I wasn't constantly thinking about you or worried about you. The night you left, I had the ring in my pocket ready to spend the rest of my life with you."

Erin didn't know what to say. The news was a shock to her system. Had she stayed, she might have been Mrs Halstead right now. They might have been having a totally different conversation.

She stayed silent for a moment.

"Alvin," she finally choked out.

"When I heard the case had resurfaced, I booked my ticket. But both he and Hank stopped me from coming back. Said it would make us look guilty, and the witness' statement more credible. As far as I was untraceable, they would be able to poke a hole in his testimony if it came to it, argue the whole thing was fabricated."

Her chin began to tremble and her voice broke.

"But it didn't come to that… and I felt so guilty because that was on me. I asked Al to help me move the body. I nearly came to you, but in the end I didn't because I didn't want the possibility of you getting dragged down if it came to light. So I went to Al!" she cried. "I knew there was a risk we could all go down and I did it anyway cause I had always been able to count on him and I got him killed!"

She was inconsolable now. All Jay could do was continue holding her hand and let her ride out her emotions.

She looked down at her covered wrist.

"I found out and the night before I was due to come down for his funeral the guilt consumed me. I drank more than I should have to numb the pain, but all it did was increase my anger and self-loathing. It was my fault, just like with everything bad with Teddy and Nadia. I was a curse to everyone I knew. I wasn't suicidal before this but Jay…" she choked struggling with her words "I saw red. It was a spur of the moment flash of anger that led me to do it. I NEVER wanted to take my life before. It wasn't even something I contemplated in that moment… it was happening and I didn't even realise what was going on. I smashed the bottle of Vodka I had been drinking against the wall and slid to the ground. I didn't realise I had picked up a shard and had started to cut. I couldn't feel the pain, or see the damage I was doing...all I could see was red!"

Her voice and words were difficult to make out from her cries, but Jay managed to because of his focus. He needed her pain to stop. He stood up from his stool and grabbed her into his arms wrapping her up into a tight embrace and placing a kiss to her hair. With his mouth still against her head he began to 'shhh' her in an attempt to calm her.

"It's Okay Er, you don't have to tell me. I don't need to know."

And truly, he didn't. His curiosity, if he could call what he had felt earlier, had been quelled. It all made sense now though. Why she didn't turn up to Al's funeral. He had blamed her this whole time, thought she had abandoned one of her own, that she didn't care. But the truth was, she cared harder and more deeply than anyone. He should have known because she had always been that way. She'd taken it so personally that she had tried taking her own life. Jay felt sick to his stomach. The woman in his arms was a mere centimeters of cutting away from not being alive right now. When Antonio had been told by the higher ups to take over the unit for a few weeks after, when Hank disappeared without explaining they had all thought he had gone to grieve by himself, but now Jay knew he had been with Erin. Helping to support and nurse her back to health. Then Erin spoke to confirm that.

"If Hank didn't come to see me after I was admitted… I don't know Jay… and now he's lying in a hospital bed and his attacker still hasn't been found and I feel completely useless. I can't just sit there and watch him fight for his life and not do anything. I can't stand on the side and wait for things to turn to hell with Al… I can't Jay! I just can't"

And in that moment, Jay had an idea on how he could help her. He would have to talk to Hailey first, but he was determined to do whatever it would take to help ease Erin Lindsay's burdens and eventually put a genuine smile back on her face.