Trudy Platt was just about to bite into her Brobagel that Randall had just dropped off for her, when two of intelligence hopped up the stairs at the main entrance and into the district. It had been a busy morning, and with Hank Voight currently incapacitated, Trudy found herself rushing around the 21st all morning without so much as taking a pause to breathe. She had left her house pretty much immediately after waking up, in anticipation of the briefings the Commander's had given intelligence this morning. In the process she had skipped breakfast. She now, on the insistence of her husband, found herself having her breakfast on the go whilst manning the front desk and phones, when Jay and Kim walked in.
"Halstead! Burgess!" Trudy barked, snapping the attention of the two cops who now froze at the threshold. "Where do you two think you have been gallivanting to this morning? Need I remind you that your priority should be your boss who if you haven't happened to notice…"
Trudy's bark faltered, her voice fading away into the background noise of the hustle and bustle in the communal area of the 21st's lobby. Almost instinctively she dropped her bagel from her hand as it hit the floor at her feet, but Trudy did not flinch at that. The Sargent was now moving away from behind the confines of her desk and inching closer to the brunette that she initially missed, who had walked in with Kim and Jay. But in Trudy's defence, this woman looked different to the woman she had once known.
Her eyes widened as they glossed over when she began to take in the appearance of the woman now standing some mere inches in front of her. The Desk Sergeant was transported back in time to how Erin looked after Nadia's death. The light in her eyes had been switched off back then, resembling the eyes of a corpse. Trudy had been haunted for weeks after she stared down Erin in the locker room and told her to seek help. And now, she dreaded to admit that she was once again seeing a similar look in Erin's eyes. Regardless, the fact that she was seeing this look told her Erin was here. Trudy felt like she needed to have someone pinch her to tell her she was not dreaming.
"Erin?" she whispered.
"Hey Sarge," Erin replied with an unsure smile and a small shy wave.
Proof. This was proof to Trudy that Erin wasn't like the woman she once knew. This Lindsay did not ooze confidence. The old Erin would have been the only one in the district that Trudy could have said with confidence could match her wit and sarcasm word for word. This woman however, looked like she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar by merely being here. But Trudy did not care. Because Erin was here. She was actually here!
"Oh, Erin!" Trudy exclaimed, half in jubilance and half in disbelief.
She grabbed the former detective and pulled her into her embrace, squeezing the young woman in her grasp. Erin would have normally rolled her eyes in the past at Trudy's reaction. Or maybe even had a good laugh at it, coining it to what Jay used to call, the older Sargent's weird obsession. But after the events of the past forty-eight hours, heck, after the events of the past five years, Erin's receptiveness to the love that her former Desk Sergeant was showing her had changed. After the shock had subsided, Erin found herself returning the woman's embrace, wrapping her arms around her and squeezing back. They stood there for a moment, no words passed between the two women, the exchange making them both emotional.
Jay noticed Erin's own eyes begin to gloss over, his own heart touched by the soft side of his Sargent that Erin brought out.
"Hey guys," he spoke in a hushed tone, careful to avoid anybody overhearring, "I hate to break it up but erm… we really shouldn't be doing this here. Can't afford anyone realising Erin is back here."
As soon as Jay had said that, Trudy released Erin from her grip. Sniffling slightly, she wiped at the corner of her eyes before waving them off with her hands. Trudy Platt was a smart woman and a good cop. Jay didn't need to tell her much for her to understand why Erin had arrived here at the 21st with two intelligence members. It wasn't often that she broke, or even bent the rules. But when it came to the people she loved, Trudy would walk over lava to ensure they were protected. And in this instance, it wasn't just Erin, but Hank as well. This was her house, and she was going to be damned before letting anyone tell her how to run it.
"Right, right!" she said flustered trying to regain her composure. "Of course. Say no more, do what you got to do. If anyone asks, I am none the wiser."
She then turned to look at Erin, her features softening as she looked at her with sincerity.
"It's really good to see you Erin. We've really missed having you around here."
"Thank you Sargent, I've missed you all too. More than you could possibly know."
Upon hearing the words leave Erin's mouth, Jay felt his breath hitch in his throat. Could it have been that she meant it about him too? She hadn't mentioned his name personally, and the collective 'all' might not have even included him. But just knowing that she had missed some of her life in Chicago filled him with a sense of hope… what kind of hope it was was lost on him though.
Kim was the first to head up the steps, buzzing herself through the gate and then holding it open for her two friends. They had yet to turn the corner and climb the final steps when Erin faltered, hesitancy written all over her face. Kim, who was ahead of her by two steps, climbed back down to Erin and bumped her shoulder with the former detective.
"Hey, you got this," she added with a reassuring smile.
She looked between Kim and Jay once more. Was she doing the right thing? She clutched to the chain at her neck for strength and took a shaky breath. She could do this. Right?
Beside her, Jay tensed at the sight of her gripping the dog tag he had yet to see her remove from around her neck since she returned. His stomach churned once again. Surprising himself, he took Erin's hand in his own and gave a light squeeze. He wanted her to know he was there for her. They were there for her, he reminded himself, quickly glancing at Kim before dropping Erin's hand. He wasn't sure if Kim had noticed, but he didn't want her to get the wrong idea.
The momentary contact Jay had with Erin seemed to calm her, the woman now looking more resolute in her stance. It had also calmed Jay to an extent, the warmth of the contact spreading through him and settling the churning he felt in his abdomen.
"Thanks Kim, Jay. I just…"
"Lo and behold! Is that the voice of the infamous Erin Lindsay I hear?" Adam's voice travelled down the steps to where she was standing.
She looked at Kim who just rolled her eyes, allowing a small giggle to escape her lips.
"I believe it is, brother. Yo Lindsay, get your ass up here!" Atwater called.
Erin stood straight before rounding the corner and climbing the final steps into the bullpen.
"Lind-saaay," Adam called out whooping a little before continuing, "Well, well, well… the prodigal son returns!" Adam stated, a teasing smirk on his face.
Kim's face flushed with annoyance at Adam's choice of words. It had been difficult enough to get a reluctant Erin on board, and she didn't want her to feel as though she was returning with her tail between her legs. From what she had heard, things had been rather difficult for Erin before she had left Intelligence, so she knew being back after all this time couldn't be easy.
Adam noticed the look on his wife's face.
"What? Darling!" he asked lost on the reason behind his wife's apparent displeasure. Turning to Erin he said, "You know we missed you around here right Lindsay? No one makes coffee quite as good as you did around here."
Atwater let out a low chortle.
"True, True," he muttered in agreement.
It was Jay's turn to look at the two men disapprovingly. He wanted Erin to feel at home, not like she had been called back to be their skivvy. The look didn't get lost on Erin, who picked up the look on Jay's face in her peripheral vision.
"It's fine Jay, I'm good. It's nice to know some things will never change around here."
She then turned her head to look at Adam, rolling her eyes jokingly, she clamped down his left shoulder with her hand.
"Ruzek, I told you then, and I'm telling you now, I am NOT making you coffee."
A small chuckle left Jay's lips, tensions disappearing as he noticed Ruzek's humour had made Erin feel at ease.
"Ugh, but seriously Linds, it's good to have you home," he said, pulling her in for a hug.
Erin returned the warm embrace. She had missed Adam's goofiness and teasing ways.
"Hey man, don't monopolise the lady. Come here Lindsay," Atwater said pulling her out of Adam's embrace and into his own.
After the hello's had all been said and done, Erin stood there for a moment taking in the bullpen. It had changed. Looking over to where her desk was situated, she noticed there were now two desks facing each other. In fact, the entire room was reorganised like this. A sinking feeling entered her chest, reminding her that every mark and trace of her had been removed from the room that she had occupied for four years.
Clearing her throat, she spoke.
"I like what you've done to the place."
It was a lie. She hated it. How many times had she sat at her desk across from Jay as they shared longing looks? It was actually at her desk that she first decided to pursue a relationship with Jay, as he reminded her that they no longer worked together. It was at her desk where he had offered her a goodbye hug that she realised she could no longer be in denial of her feelings for him. There were so many memories at her desk, and at his. And now the room no longer reflected the space that these memories occupied.
The rest of the team were silent. They didn't realise what she had been alluding to. But Jay did. He knew her too well after all. He knew exactly what was going through her mind, and he didn't know what to say.
Erin felt uncomfortable all of a sudden. Like she shouldn't have said what she did. Changing the subject felt like a good idea.
"Hey Ruzek! Who said you could steal my chair?"
Erin had noticed her old desk chair tucked in to a desk which held a framed photo of Kim and Adam. She assumed he had been up to his old antics and had once again, taken her chair once she had left.
"Aw you know me Linds, I was just keeping it warm for you!"
The whole group laughed at that, Erin shaking her head at her goofy friend.
"Never change Adam. Never change."
It was at the sound of roaring laughter that Hailey and Vanessa entered the bullpen from the break room.
Erin looked at her once former partner and a woman whom she did not recognise with an uncertain smile.
"Hi Erin, it's good to see you again," Hailey said with a genuinely welcoming smile.
Erin nodded at the gesture and returned her smile with a small one of her own.
"Thank's Hailey," she said trying to hide the hurt from her face and voice.
As she looked at Hailey, Erin could not help but be reminded of everything she had lost. Here was a kind woman, who had welcomed her to the unit warmly, despite the repercussions it might have had on her own career. Welcomed her, Erin, her fiance's ex-girlfriend. And as she stood there in front of Erin radiating light, Erin couldn't help but think Hailey had everything which was once deemed to be hers. She had the job. She ran the unit in Voights absence. And she had the man that Erin had once thought would be hers forever.
You can't blame her for any of that. She reminded herself. You were the one who left. She hasn't done anything wrong here, It's not like she came in gunning for your job.
Besides Hailey, Vanessa stepped forward and extended a hand.
"Hi, I'm Vanessa. Rojas."
"Hey Vanessa," Erin replied, "I'm Erin."
"I know!" Vanessa replied with a smile. "The guys were so excited about you being back," she said gesturing to the group around them, "These two haven't been able to stop talking about you all morning!" she said pointing to Ruzek and Atwater.
Erin laughed.
"Hey! It was all about the coffee!" Ruzek protested.
"I always knew tweedledum and tweedledee had a weird little secret obsession with me. And it had nothing to do with the coffee Ruzek, don't lie."
The room once again laughed.
Erin suddenly paused, frowning.
"Hey guys, where Tonio. Is he out in the field or something?"
Her question was quick to make the mirth in the room disappear quickly. Kim averted her gaze to her shoes, Kevin rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, Adam bit his lip shooting an uncertain glance at Jay who in return was looking at Erin a little worried.
"No..." Erin's voice was low and shaky, her body immediately tensing up and she shook slightly, her eyes glossing over with unshed tears. "No. Don't tell me…not Tony too..." she said, shaking her head in denial.
Jay's eyes widened quickly at her assumption.
"No, no, no! Erin, it's nothing like that!" Jay said, quickly grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her to her senses.
In front of him, Hailey stiffened at the contact. Vanessa was the only one to notice.
"Antonio… he erm…" Jay began.
"Antonio got addicted to some pain meds he was prescribed when he hurt himself on the job a few years back.." Kim spoke when Jay was unable to find the right words.
To everyone's surprise, Erin did not look so shocked.
"You knew?" Jay asked, frowning.
Erin nodded.
"Tony called me up a few years ago asking for advice. He knew I had struggled too, and wanted to seek help from someone who had been through it and gotten out. Asked me to come help him…" her voice faltered as she looked regrettably. "I was...I couldn't… I told him I couldn't give him the help he needed and that's the last I heard from him."
The team looked at her in shock at the revelation. She didn't want them judging her actions. Erin had climbed into another hole herself when Antonio had called, she was in no position to be helping anyone. So she offered him the numbers of professionals who could help him instead of flying down to Chicago herself.
"You all have to believe me… I wanted to… I just was in a really dark place myself…"
Jay was the only one in the room who knew specifically what she was referring to. And so the guilty look on Erin's face made his chest ache. She blamed herself for not helping, even though she herself had been in need of desperate health.
"You don't need to explain yourself to us Erin," Jay was the first to speak.
"Yeah, I'm sure you had your reasons," Kim added.
"Say no more," Ruzek stated, lifting his hands in the air, palms out.
Atwater, Upton and Rojas nodded. They could see the clear distress on the womans' face.
"The important thing is that he's doing well and is healthy," Kim spoke again.
Erin's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"That still doesn't explain where Tony is."
"He went to Puerto Rico with Gabby," Jay explained. "She moved there first to volunteer to do some relief aid and after he spiralled, he decided he needed a new change of scenery to get back on his feet."
"Gabby's in Puerto Rico?" Erin asked.
The paramedic being abroad all these years made no sense. Especially when she had caught a glimpse of Matt Casey from a distance the night she arrived at Med.
"She was," Hailey spoke. "She's back now, has been for almost six months."
Erin nodded slowly, taking all this new information in. Clearly, a lot had changed since she was last in Chicago.
"But Antonio is still out there.." she muttered to herself in recognition before her voice got louder. "Well, it all makes sense now. Why he didn't return my call the other night..."
"You called him?!" Kim asked, astonished. She hadn't heard from her former partner since he left. It was then she guiltily realised that they (in Intelligence), had a bad habit of cutting contact with their friends the moment they left.
"Yeah I was at Molly's the other night. I wanted to talk to someone and Tonio's always been there for me like an older brother… I was feeling overwhelmed with being back but it had gone to voicemail."
Jay breathed a small sigh of relief. Antonio was the one she had been referring to when she was drunk. He was the one she had called. Jay was secretly glad his friend hadn't answered Erin's call, for if he had, who knew whether Erin would have opened up to him the way that she did later that evening.
Erin stood there for a moment, lost in thought before shaking her head and straightening up.
"Well, before we spend all day here reminiscing, how about we get to work?"
Author's note: Hope you enjoyed it. I've been debating whether or not to bring Antonio back for a small cameo. I've always loved the friendship he had with Erin and wanted to play on that a little. Initially, I had two ideas. The first being that Erin had been in contact with Antonio the whole time since he left Intelligence. But I also really wanted to play on Erin's assumption that Antonio had possibly been killed in the field. So I went for the latter. I'd say we're around 10-12 chapters from the end now too so buckle up for the next few chapters. I'm hoping for a lot more interaction between Jay and Erin solely. Thanks again for all your support and leave a comment or a review on what you think x
