Author's note: I apologise in advance. I told you shit was about to hit the roof. I'm sorry! It hurts. But what can I say, I'm a sucker for angst. Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I hope the wait was worth it. Happy reading!
Jay's entire body turned to ice, his feet remained as heavy as logs glued to the ground. There had been two gunshots. Was someone hit? Who was hit? There were a few bypassers screaming and running frantically for cover but all Jay could hear was muffled sounds. Because the roaring in his ears was now drowning everything out.
Were they okay? Were his girls okay? Erin and Hailey… he paused midthought; no, Hailey and Erin. They had to be. Right? Two of the strongest women he had ever known. It couldn't now end like this. Erin wasn't even meant to be here for heaven's sake. He wished in that moment more than anything that he had stuck to his instincts and not brought her out here. That she hadn't returned to Chicago and allowed herself to be in this position.
But the guilt that Jay now felt was overbearing. It was his idea to bring her on to the team. It was his hesitation to kiss her that had put them all in this position. Why had he been so reluctant he found himself asking? Was it really because he was worried about Hailey and about what Erin wanted? Or was it because he had known deep down that once his lips connected with hers, there was no moving past that. For any of them, for things would never be the same again.
And then it all started to come back slowly at first and then at full speed. Hailey was the first to stand, stumbling slightly before she was on her feet. She looked shaken and dazed at what had just happened. There was a little blood splattered across her cheek, but Jay could tell it wasn't hers. He wasn't able to feel relief though. Because Erin was still on the floor, Granger's body on top of her. The sight of the tall, bulky man squashing her small frame made him stiff with anger. But he couldn't dwell on it for long because seconds later, Granger staggered to his feet.
Jay could have sworn he felt the bile rise in his throat and enter his mouth, the whole thing turning dry. His whole face flushed red, his heart palpitating. There were no words really to describe what he was feeling in that moment. But he felt like his whole world had stopped spinning when he saw that Granger did not look like he had a gunshot wound which only meant…
Jay couldn't concentrate on Hailey cuffing Granger and then Russo who was beginning to stir awake. He couldn't concentrate on Hailey shouting his name over her shoulder to give Erin medical attention. He couldn't even concentrate on the fact that the rest of the team had now arrived. Jay couldn't bring himself to look at Erin for fear of what he would find.
It was only when Antonio rushed over to Erin and put his two fingers to Erin's neck that Jay jumped into action, his feet carrying him without his mind really acknowledging what his body was doing.
Erin.
She was all he could think about. His mind focussed only on her as he ran towards her pale lifeless body.
"Erin!" Jay's strangled voice called out. "Erin! Oh god… No...NO!"
"She's still breathing," Antonio informed him. "Looks like it's just a flesh wound above her collarbone, its a through and through she should be fine but we should call the paramedics anyway. She'll need to be stitched up and I'm not sure why she's unconscious."
Jay was still frozen looking at her form on the ground. Had he almost lost her? The thought alone brought inexplicable feelings to the forefront of his mind. What would he have done if she had died? Jay understood now what Erin had gone through after Al's death. Besides the guilt of not doing a good enough job protecting her, Jay wouldn't want to live in a world where Erin no longer was in. Now that she was back in his life, he wasn't ready to ever let her go. He knew that much with clarity. To deny that was to deny the sky was blue.
"5021 Eddie, shots fired at the police. We have one bystander down. Roll an ambo to 2011 West Division," he heard Kim call into the radio.
Hearing her call for an ambo seemed to get Jay moving again. He picked up Erin's head gently from the sidewalk and placed it as softly as he could in his lap. Brushing away the stray hairs from her forehead, he threaded his fingers through her hair in a soothing motion that he knew she always loved. He would do this to her when she was upset or anxious or sick and it would always soothe her. Though she was unconscious now, he hoped she could feel his fingers work their way through her hair and that the action would bring her some peace. It was only as something wet dropped on Erin's face that Jay realised he was crying.
"Come on Er. Wa-Wake up please. You can't go. Not like this, not after all this time. Come on. Open your eyes for me. Please Er. Please," Jay choked up unable to speak, his voice tight.
"How's she doing?" Hailey asked, concern etched on her face.
"The shot was a flesh wound. Not really sure why she's out cold," Antonio spoke.
"There were two shots fired. Are you sure she wasn't hit anywhere else?"
Before Antonio could reply, or Jay could be hit with a fresh wave of panic, Adam approached them with a shell casing.
"Looks like one shot missed and punctured a tire," he said in a matter of fact voice. "Erin was only hit once."
That was all Jay needed to tune them all out as he focussed only on the girl whose head rested in his hands.
He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder in support, and he looked up to see Hailey shoot him a comforting smile. Another wave of guilt washed through Jay as he realised in all his concern for Erin, he had failed to check up on Hailey. He knew she was unharmed physically, he had seen that himself as he watched her get up and arrest both suspects and ask him to tend to Erin. It was one of the reasons why he had gone immediately to Erin. But Hailey too had been through something traumatic. He owed it to her to be the one comforting her, not the other way around.
"Are you okay?" he managed to choke out amidst all of his concern for Erin.
"I'm good Jay. She saved my life," Hailey said seriously, somberness filling her voice.
Jay turned back to Erin at the mention of her.
He had done this to her. His prayer to have Hailey saved no matter what the cost… Little had he known…
"Come on Er," he said, the desperation growing in his voice as she lay there motionless. "Come back to me… to us.. Please."
The heartbreak was evident in Jay's voice, and he didn't even attempt to hide it from the others. There were more important things than worrying about what everyone else did or didn't think. Kim stepped away from the perimeter that Adam and Kevin were currently setting up and crouched down besides Jay. He could see the worry in her eyes, confirming that his own was justified. Kim lay a hand on top of Jay's, the one that he was using to support Erin's head and offered him a reassuring squeeze.
"She's a tough one, our Erin. She'll pull through. It probably is nothing."
Kim looked confused as she stared at Erin's wound. Indeed, it was a flesh wound. So, like the others, Jay could tell she didn't understand why Erin was currently unconscious.
Before he could reply to Kim, a quiet raspy groan escaped Erin's lips. It was so quiet, it was barely there. But Jay had heard it, and he could have sworn that in that moment his still heart began to beat and soar again at the sound. Like it was the most magestical sound he had heard in his entire life.
"Er?" he questioned.
Her eyes fluttered open briefly, allowing him a glimpse of her hazel orbs before they abruptly shut. She winced slightly before letting out another groan.
"Ow, my head," she muttered raising a hand tentatively to her forehead. It was then that Jay realised she was probably concussed.
She began to rise slowly, but Jay was quick to stop her, holding her down.
"Woah, woah, woah. You've probably hit your head hard, don't move your head just yet. You could be concussed."
At the mention of the 'c' word, Erin groaned yet again.
"No! I don't know whether I can do with eating anymore blueberries and Kale!"
Jay couldn't help it. He let out a chuckle, relief entering his body. He knew she was referring to all the previous concussions she had suffered on the job previously, when both Hank and Jay had controlled her diet for weeks on end after, fussing over her every chance they had gotten. Even though he and Erin weren't together when she suffered her first concussion in New York, Jay had turned up to her apartment every morning for the next fortnight with a fresh punnet of blueberries and another bag of kale. Even though she had insisted she was fine and told him in disdain that she still had enough leftover from the day before, he still arrived the next morning with a new batch.
She tried sitting up again.
"I'm fine. Let's just go back to the precinct," she said stubbornly trying and failing to keep the wince showing from her face.
Jay realised her head must be hurting pretty bad if she hadn't even acknowledged she had been shot. Luckily, Jay didn't have to argue with her before 61 showed up and Mackey and Chout jumped off the rig running to her side, backboard and c-collar in tow. Jay assumed Chout was filling in for Brett whilst she was on furlough. Whilst Gianna had never met Erin before, Chout had, and so Jay wasn't surprised to see the shocked expression he wore on his face at her return, his eyes rapidly switching between looking at Jay and looking at Erin, mouth agape.
"Chout, are you just going to stand there gawking?" Mackey questioned getting straight to business.
"Oh, yeah...er-sorry!" Chout stuttered before jumping into action.
"She still looks dazed," Mackey noted. "Probably concussed," Mackey stated, flashing her flashlight at Erin's pupils. "It's better we don't stitch up her GSW here and take her to Med. They'll take care of that there and that way she can have her head checked. She won't bleed out or anything, she got lucky there. It's just a flesh wound."
Jay had seen plenty of GSW's, flesh wounds and otherwise during both his time as a detective and his time deployed abroad. So he had known when he had seen Erin's injury that it wasn't serious. He had rather been worried about why she was unconscious. But hearing Mackey confirm his suspicions about her wound had him breathe a sigh of relief, though he wasn't completely at peace knowing Erin could possibly be suffering from a head injury.
Mackey and Chout worked efficiently, securing Erin and placing her on the backboard before loading her into the rig.
Hailey had instructed both Jay and Kim to ride with her, promising to join them shortly with Antonio. Adam and Kevin were going to drive Granger and Russo back to the precinct before joining the rest of the team at Med. The blonde detective felt an immense deal of gratitude towards Erin, but also concern for her health and wanted to be there at the hospital to see first hand that everything would be okay. It was only when she had slammed the doors to the rig shut, cutting off her view from Jay, Kim and Erin that she noticed her hands were trembling in the aftershock of what had happened. It had shaken her, what had almost happened, and the only thoughts she could think in what she thought were her final moments was had her life been enough? Had she been happy? Did she have any regrets? Was she living a lie?
She quickly shoved her hands into her pockets, but a sideward glance at Antonio had told her that he had seen what she had been desperate to hide. Antonio opened his mouth to speak, but she quickly got in there first, preventing him from doing so.
"Let's get the scene wrapped up here so we can get to the hospital ASAP," she stated off-handedly before sauntering over to the others.
Antonio knew this was no time for the conversation to be had, so he effectively dropped it for now.
Jay sat in the armchair besides the bed in bay 3 at the ER in Med. Kim stood chattering away besides him, but he effectively droned her voice out. He knew she was only trying to lighten his mood but Jay couldn't help but be hit by another wave of anxiety and nerves. His brother had wheeled Erin up to CT almost an hour ago and she had yet to return. Whilst she had been stitched up for her GSW, her arm having been put into a sling, they had yet to know if there was any serious damage to her head. The anticipation and the not knowing was slowly killing Jay, as he began furiously biting away at his lip, letting the events of earlier finally sink in. He had almost lost her. Erin. He…
His mind was an incoherent trainwreck, and he could feel his worry and anxiety and grief slowly morph into anger. Anger at what, he wasn't too sure. All he knew was he was angry at the universe for the constant pain she was made to endure, and at himself for not being to protect her from that pain.
His anger hadn't subsided fifteen minutes later, when Will wheeled in Erin into the room and slowly helped her into bed.
"Sorry about the wait, CT seemed to be backed up with emergency cases once we got up there," he said in a matter of fact manner. "So just to confirm our suspicions, there is no serious brain damage but Erin has indeed suffered from a concussion. She'll be ready to be discharged as soon as we get the paperwork together but before we do, I'd like to take you through the concussion proto-"
Erin lifted up her hand effectively stopping him.
"I think I've heard it one too many times before. I know it off by heart by now, thanks but I'm good."
Will nodded at Erin a small laugh escaping his lips at her bluntness before giving Kim and Jay a nod of acknowledgment and leaving the room.
Jay noted how the interaction between Will and Erin had seemed lighter just now than when they had just arrived at Med. When Will had first been assigned to Erin, the air seemed thick and charged between them, like it had been when Erin had met everyone at Molly's that day. But Jay had noticed a shift in tone just before Will had left. The two seemed more at ease with one another.
But what surprised Jay was the fact that he found himself directing some of his previous anger at Will… and Erin.
At Will for listening to Erin so easily and treating the fact that she had been concussed so dismissively, and at Erin for taking the whole situation so lightly. What part of she could have almost been killed, not register with her. He knew she was concussed, but surely she couldn't be so stupid. Jay knew his anger wasn't really directed at her, but almost losing her had him behaving in crazy ways and feeling odd things.
"I hope the paperwork won't take too long," Erin stated to Kim, avoiding eye contact with Jay. "I can't wait to get out of here. Can't we just go back to the precinct and get on with the case now we can finally make headway."
Kim frowned.
"Maybe you should take it a little easy, Er," she suggested, knowing full well it wasn't a good idea to outwardly directly tell Erin what to do.
Erin snorted at that.
Jay couldn't believe what he was hearing. Were his ears deceiving him. He could feel every word of hers that was being uttered directly flame his anger and now ire that he was directing towards her. She had almost died. Was he the only one that was hit by that fact and not acting as calm as everyone else around him, including Erin, seemed to be.
Before he could say anything, the curtain to the bay was pulled back and in walked in Hailey and Antonio. Both offered Erin a warm smile, Antonio placing a kiss on Erin's forehead tenderly and Hailey offering her hand a light squeeze.
"I'm glad you're not hurt," Antonio said seriously, "but then again," he said more lightly now, "it would take more than just being shot to take down Erin Lindsay."
Erin giggled at his words and Jay could feel himself slowly lose his cool.
"Thank you," Hailey merely breathed out.
Erin nodded in acknowledgement.
"And you? Are you okay? You aren't hurt are you?" she asked Hailey.
Hailey shook her head in the negative.
"For a moment I thought I was almost too late.." Erin began.
Erin's selflessness was what finally drove Jay to the edge as he was unable to bottle up his anger anymore. She had almost died!
"What the actual fuck?!" Jay spoke. His tone was curt and cold, causing Erin to flinch and the rest to look at him with a mix of confusion and concern. But he couldn't care less.
All the guilt of not being able to protect either woman, the pain and grief of almost losing them, especially Erin, the anger about her nonchalant everyone seemed to be, it was finally manifesting in Jay by having his anger directed towards Erin for being so unconcerned about her life as though it didn't matter. As though she wasn't important in all of this, or at all for that matter.
"Jay, bro," Antonio began, but Jay cut him off.
"How could you have been so reckless?" Jay spat at Erin.
She frowned at his words, partially in confusion.
"I… I did what I had to do," she stated.
"What you had to do?!" Jay tried his best to keep his voice level, but he was failing. "What you had to do was listen to instructions. What you had to do was stay in the car. What you had to DO was not take matters into your own hands. But then again, I forgot. Erin Lindsay does what she thinks is best, always has. Everyone else's feelings and opinions be damned."
Erin looked upset and hurt at his words, and for a moment, Jay wanted to backtrack what he had said. But then Erin spoke, and her own words flamed his anger.
"I don't see what the issue is Jay. I'm fine. Hailey's fine. Everything worked out well in the end."
Jay laughed humorlessly.
"See this is the problem with you Erin. You're always in denial. You like to live in some fantasy world where everything is fine. I hate to break it to you, everything is not fine. You just caught a bullet. You're suffering from your fourth concussion. For once in your life, open your damn eyes. This isn't about you. It's not always about you. There's a thing called team, called unit, called partnership. We all consult with one another. We listen to each other. We take into consideration what others say and think. You'd think after all these years you'd have realised this isn't a one man show. But you always let your feelings get in the way. You act without thinking, you act irrationally and never once do you think about the consequences until it's too damn late! Did you think for a moment that Granger had been bluffing? Did you think for a moment that your recklessness could've gotten you and Hailey both killed had you all have landed at a different angle? You make all these decisions by yourself and leave everyone alone in the aftermath of them to pick up the pieces."
By now, Jay was ranting. He knew his words were unfair, but he was seeing red. He had almost lost her. Why couldn't she see how much this had affected him?
Erin sat there silently, listening to his words deliver mental blows. He was right. Of course he was right. She did act irrationally. His words had her thinking back to when she stood in the face of a gun and asked for the suspect to shoot her. To when she went to see Tawni without backup. To when she helped Hank by asking Al to help move Bingham's body. To when she had shoved her gun down the throat of a perp. She had a history of acting without thinking of consequences, she knew she was flawed. She acknowledged that and hated that about herself. But somehow, she felt and knew that Jay's words held a deeper meaning to what he was insinuating. That this wasn't just about what had gone down outside of Janik's, or even her history as a detective for that matter. Something deep within her bones told her this was personal, and the thought made her angry. For he had some room to talk.
"You want to lecture me about rationality and consequences?!" she spat incredulously. "What about the Rodigers huh Jay? What about Camilla? Or did you think I didn't know about that?"
Her words took Jay by surprise. Not just because the latter of what she mentioned was something he hadn't expected her to know about, something which he considered to be a moment in his life that he was least proud of. But because it caught him off guard. Where had this come from? Where did she take his anger over her recklessness from today and her carelessness about her life and turn it back in his face by dredging up their past.
"Don't you dare!" Jay uttered in shock. "Don't you dare point this around at me and start looking at the mess I became after you left without so much as a word. You want someone to blame for the stupid wreck I became after I left? Look in the mirror. You weren't here. You don't get to bring that up or judge me on that!"
That hurt. Erin couldn't deny that the sting that his words delivered. He was right of course. But so was she. She also had a right to be angry.
"Consulting, Jay, is a two way street. Opening up, Jay, is a two way street. Or need I remind you that you explicitly didn't listen to my wishes and ordered a DNA test on Jimmy. You were the one that kept Abby from me. You were the one to push me away. You were the one that called it quits without so much as speaking to me first or consulting me. Where was your consideration for feelings or opinions then huh? You pushed, and you pushed and you pushed for me to open up to you, but when the time came to return the favour you couldn't open up to me. And you can spin me reasons why all day as to how you were trying to spare my feelings, and maybe you were, but the reality is Jay, these things happened."
By now, tears were freefalling down her face. The three others in the room stood awkwardly trying to stop the verbal sparring between her and Jay but both were too stubborn to listen.
"Really? That's how you're going to play it? I thought we were done with that? I thought we agreed to move past that?" Jay questioned.
Erin scoffed.
"Maybe I was delusional to think we could. I don't see why you care anyway."
Because, Jay had wanted to say, Because I care about you. Because you scared the shit out of me earlier. Because I don't really mean it but I don't know how else to confess that you mean the world to me. Because I don't want to lose you. Because, I'm scared to admit to myself that I might still…
Jay could have replied with any of these thoughts, but the words were stuck in his throat. His tongue felt heavy and he wasn't sure why he was unable to accept his thoughts.
"You once told me if I wanted to bury my head in the sand that you'd leave me there, well consider this me burying my head in the sand Jay," anger and hurt flashed in her now puffy eyes and she uttered those words with such finality, that Jay found his heart breaking. "So please, I'm begging you. Leave me be and just go."
Jay felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces at those words. It fucking hurt to hear them. He had regretted saying those words instantaneously all those years ago, but hearing them thrown back in his face right now, well he hated himself more than he could ever tell her. He ran his hand through his hair, tears glossing over his own eyes blurring his vision. He just had to deliver one final blow as though having the final say would dull his pain.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe this time I'll be the one to cut the ropes so you can tell yourself it wasn't you that ran." He nodded to himself. "So there you go Erin. You can have your way, because as of now," he said gesturing his arms in front of him. "I'm officially done."
And with that, he turned his back on her and rushed out of the room defeated. But not before he saw her let out a strangled sob, her hand flying to her mouth to stifle it. Not before he saw Kim and Antonio rush to her side to support her. Not before he saw Hailey stand there in shock. Not before he felt like the biggest jerk in the world.
As soon as he left her room and rounded the corner, he fell to his knees unable to keep in his own tears anymore. The events of today, the anger, the grief, the pain, the worry, the hurt finally drowning him. As he sat there letting his sobs wrack through his body, he couldn't help but question.
What had he done?
What had they done…?
Author's note: Coming up: A stubborn Erin and Jay, Nathan's arrival, Hailey and Jay's talk.
Hope you enjoyed. They never said love was easy. Leave a review or comment or critique. I would love to hear your thoughts.
