Jay had been sat there crouched over for a while, before a familiar voice sounded.

"Jay?" Will questioned, confusion lacing his voice. When he had left Erin's room some twenty minutes ago, his brother had been fine. "What's wrong? It's not Erin is it? I didn't hear any codes or calls…" he trailed almost musing to himself as to what could have happened to make his brother sit here in the middle of a waiting room, crouched on the floor in tears. Jay did not even lift his head in acknowledgment of hearing his brother, but rather he continued to cry, but at the sound of Erin's name, Jay's cries became more deeper and profound.

Will knew Jay wasn't one for public displays of emotion. He hardly ever wore his heart on his sleeve like this and his years in the Army had him trained to bottle up tears. It was seen as a sign of weakness and unprofessionalism. Though in recent years, Jay seemed to have broken this facade from time to time, it was usually something significant that pushed him over to the edge like this. And it was that knowledge that had Will crouch down next to his brother to console him. For what, he was unsure.

"Come on Jay, talk to me. What's wrong?" Will sighed. He could only help if he knew what had caused this mood.

Jay wanted to answer. He wanted to let it all out, to unburden his chest. But he didn't even know how to begin to form the right words to say. He was just so hurt and so angry by it all. By the circumstances. By his and Erin's timing. By their innate ability to have such a significant effect on each other which reared its head in both good and bad ways. She had made him so happy in the past, happier than he had ever been, happier than he ever thought he could be or that he deserved. But she had also hurt him. Crushed his spirit by leaving to a point where he thought there was no coming back for him. She went. She left him. And unlike Jay, she had no intention of ever coming back. No intention of ever keeping in touch. She had vanished into the night without so much as leaving a trace or a word, had taken a piece with him with her that night.

If Jay was being truthful, it was a piece of himself he had never managed to find again. The lighthearted, carefree, fun part of him that enjoyed the simple things in life. He had thought he had lost it forever. But that was until she returned recently and it slowly started emerging. And he hated that. Hated how much of a hold she still had on him. Hated how she could still turn his world upside out and inside out. Hated how recently he realised she was all that was on his mind. But most of all, he hated that looking at her reminded him of the part he played in disappointing her. In failing to protect her. In chasing her away. Because as much as he wanted to blame her, he played a major part in her leaving. So maybe she had been right, maybe her leaving was what was best for both of them in the end. He had eventually found happiness had he not? He had eventually moved on, had he not? He was finally with someone else who didn't confuse the hell out of him or drive him up the wall. Maybe her leaving just proved that they were never meant for each other, and that it was more than bad timing. But then, he found a small part of his mind refusing to accept any of this. Because whilst he was happy now, whilst he had moved on, what did it say about the fact that he was still trying to recover pieces of him that only surfaced when she was around. Why did he only now realise that her absence in his life left behind a hole, which although he may not have realised it initially, it had only now been filled when she had returned.

There were so many questions running through Jay's head. Questions that he knew he would have to sit down and find the answers to. Questions that he knew he could no longer put off anymore.

All Jay wanted was to turn back around, head into Erin's room and tell her how sorry he was. Hold her in his arms and tell her how he would always keep her safe. But he couldn't. Because this time he had pushed her away. This time she had asked him to leave, and a small part him didn't blame her.

"Come on Jay, let's get you home."

It was Hailey's tender voice that brought him out of his tears and into the present. He looked up to see that she was looking at him in uncertainty and concern, almost as though she wasn't sure quite what to expect from him. And for that Jay felt incredibly guilty. He couldn't be sat here losing his hold on his emotions and reality whilst she stood there unwavering and strong. And then guilt for realising that Hailey had been here through all of it for him. What of her? Where did she lie in all of this?

Jay rubbed furiously at his eyes before he stood up in determination, trying to prove to his brother and his partner that he was fine.

"I'm all good. We can go back to the precinct and get some answers. I swear to God, give me five minutes with Granger in the cage!"

Jay could feel his hurt and despair turn into anger directed at Charlie. And that was good. That was where his anger should have been directed to all along. It was Charlie that had nearly taken Erin away from him. Taunted him mercilessly by threatening her life. Jay wanted to break every bone in Charlie's smug face just thinking back on how he had attempted to bait Jay, his fists clenching by his sides as he found himself becoming more and more agitated.

Hailey frowned at him.

"You're going home Jay. You're in no state to be working. We can't afford to slip up. Not with the commander down our necks and not with our mishap with Erin. Ruzek and Atwater can finish up their questioning, you take the rest of the day off and rest. You need to clear your head and shrug it off. Besides, you know that's not the way that we do things. We're better than that."

Jay wanted to decline what Hailey had to say. He wasn't better than that. Not when Charlie had put a gun to her head. Not when he had hurt Erin. Not when he had seen Charlie's body crush Erin's under his weight. But he also knew that she was right about needing to play things as closely by the book as possible, what with everyone's eyes on them. Still, Jay was about to argue back but Will stopped him.

"She's right Jay. I'm not sure what just happened, but you look like you're not mentally sharp right now. And five minutes in the cage won't do your healing knuckle any good. Play this one by the book."

Jay looked back and forth between the two before finally sighing in defeat.

"And you? What about you?" he asked Hailey. She too had been through an ordeal. Surely she shouldn't be at work leading a group either.

"I'm going to wrap up some things and delegate to the others and then come home," she gave him an awkward upturned lip. "I won't be too long, I think we both have a lot to talk about."

Jay nodded. Will excused himself then once he made certain his brother was going to be okay. He made a mental note to check in with his brother and future sister in law after his shift. They had had a rough day, and as family, it was his duty to be there for them. Maybe he could take a six pack with him, bring Nat along. He was sure a distraction from the events of today would be good for them both.

Hailey parked up opposite the apartment block she and Jay lived in and turned off the ignition.

"I'll be home soon, okay?" she almost whispered with a wary smile.

Jay's heart plummeted. He knew what she was insinuating. He knew why she looked so wary. She had told him earlier that they needed to talk, and he knew this much: they couldn't put it off any longer. The day had taken an emotional toll on the both of them, and they both had a lot to air out. And Jay had some thinking to do. He had to dig deep for some answers but right now, he was far too exhausted to even think.

So when he got out of the truck and headed to the entrance of their building, he almost did a double take when he sae Mouse standing there brown paper bag in hand.

"Mouse?" Jay questioned, obviously not having expected to see his friend here.

"You going to let me freeze out here or can I actually see the new place, Halstead?" Mouse asked teasingly, but Jay detected something beneath the voice.

"Oh yeah, sure buddy," Jay replied and led his friend up to his apartment.

When they finally arrived, Mouse pulled out a bottle of bourbon from the brown paper bag he was holding.

"Thought you could do with a drink. Come on, bring out the glasses."

Jay complied, and soon both friends were sitting on the couch in his living room drinking and in Jay's case drowning out his sorrows.

It didn't go unnoticed on him that Mouse had a frown on his face as he sat down on his couch whilst Jay poured from the bottle.

"What?" Jay asked.

"Hmm?" Mouse feigned ignorance.

"What's the frown for?"

"Nothing."

Mouse's reply had been too quick, too sharp for Jay to truly believe it was nothing.

"Mouse…" Jay began with a sigh. They were close friends. Best friends. They had literally been in the trenches together. Whatever it was that Mouse wanted to say, he could say.

Mouse chuckled awkwardly.

"Ugly couch, no?"

Jay couldn't help the absurd laugh that he let rip through him.

"What?!" he chuckled, absolutely taken aback.

"I'm just saying Jay, it's kind of a sore sight."

"Have you sat on the couch yet?" Jay asked.

Mouse gave him a look. One that said seriously bro, what am I doing right now?

"Yeah, it's comfy but you couldn't have gone for something a little easier on the eyes?"

Jay shrugged indifferently.

"You know me Mouse. Function over form."

He closed his eyes as soon as he uttered those words, his mind transported back to a very different time he had said them. He didn't allow himself to be taken into the memory completely, out of fear the nostalgia would cause too much pain. He quickly snapped his eyes open and knocked back the contents of his glass before pouring out a new one.

Mouse sat there watching his friend, the turmoil clear in his eyes. When he agreed to come back with Antonio, he wasn't sure what exactly it was he was expecting. But what he had actually walked into was not it. Last time Mouse had been in Chicago, things had been very different. He and Antonio were still on the team and Alvin had still been alive. But more significantly, Erin and Jay were still very much together and in love, having just recently moved in with one another. Now the couch he and Lindsay had had, well that was a damn good couch.

He still remembered the housewarming party they had thrown. It was right before Mouse had announced he was rejoining the Rangers actually. Everyone had been there, their whole Intelligence family, even Voight. Of course Ruzek had teased Jay all night about how whipped he was and about how this was making him one step closer to officially being Mr Lindsay-Voight. He had been sure to add in the Voight part, because according to Ruzek, you didn't just marry the girl, you married her family too. Unfortunately for Ruzek, Voight had not been amused and he had ended up squirming under the sight of his boss' glare. But Mouse had watched Jay take it in stride that night. His friend had looked blissfully happy, as though nothing or no one could ruin his mood. So instead he had lightly quipped about how Ruzek would only be able to speak once he actually managed to meet a girl at the end of the altar and not just merely propose to her. But above all, Mouse had remembered thinking that this was it. Jay had found his soulmate, the girl of his dreams, the one he had always described and envisioned during their first tour together when things had gotten tough and the future had looked bleak. It was one of the reasons why Mouse had left for his second tour despite Jay's disapproval. He had known that Jay wasn't totally dependent on him anymore. He had Lindsay, she would take care of him and ease his worries and fears. They were good together, and Mouse could leave his friend with the security of knowing that he wasn't abandoning his friend to be alone.

So he of course had been surprised to find out that the two had broken up in his absence. To this day, he was still none the wiser as to why. His earlier prying in the breakroom with Jay had not given him any answers. And after having spoken to Erin multiple times over the phone during his time away, he knew she was unhappy and struggling in New York. He knew she had been so unhappy that she almost… Mouse shoved that thought from his head. After the incident, she had assured him multiple times that she was doing better. She had a new partner, Noah, he thought she had heard him say. Slowly, her voice had sounded less burdened and more free as the years went by. But he noted how it never returned to what it had been in the time that he had known her: strong, fun, flirty and confident. What he couldn't understand was what could have been so bad between the two that not only did they break up, but they failed to keep in touch with one another over the years, even if it were only as friends.

Jay's deep sigh brought Mouse back to the present.

"I'm just saying man, I'm sure you could have found a comfortable couch which wasn't so ugly. You know," Mouse gestured with his hands, "what is it you say? Function AND form."

Jay's face fell as soon as Mouse uttered those words. He had no idea what those words had meant for his friend, so he sat there completely oblivious to the thoughts running through Jay's head in that moment.

"If only it was that easy Mouse… finding the right couch… the one that has both… it's rare."

And the way Jay said it, his voice laced with heartbreak, Mouse knew that the couch was just an allegory for something deeper going on in his mind.

"What happened today Jay?"

Hailey had called Mouse to come and keep Jay company. She had been worried about her fiance and had debriefed Mouse over the phone over what had happened at Janik's. Mouse was amazed the detective had spoken to him whilst keeping it together. He remembered a while, not too long ago when he had a gun pressed to his temple at the 21st, and how shaken he had been after. This woman was something truly special to be worrying less about what had happened to her and more about the mental state Jay had worked himself into. She seemed like a good woman, one of the best out there. But from where Mouse was standing, she wasn't the woman for Jay. He just wasn't sure how to bring that up to his friend without coming across as completely insensitive.

Jay shook his head at Mouse's question, unable to get the words out. He wasn't aware that Hailey had called him and already filled him in.

When it became apparent to Mouse that Jay was not going to answer his question, he redirected it.

"How's Erin doing?"

That seemed to do it.

"Erin's…" Jay shook his head and abruptly stood up and began pacing the floor. "Erin's Erin. That's the problem… I just can never seem to not hurt her… no matter what I do, or what she does… I… she…"

His voice cracked at that point, and Mouse noticed the change in tone. He was becoming emotional once again.

"It's okay, you don't have to repeat it. Hailey already told me but I thought it might have helped you to get it off your chest."

Jay looked at his friend in confusion.

"Hailey?"

"Yeah, she rang to tell me to come keep you company. Didn't want you to be alone."

Jay shook his head and muttered something distatefully under his breath. Something that, if Mouse had heard correctly, sounded a lot like she deserves better.

"Jay, what the fuck man. I know you and Erin went your own ways, and from what I figured, you didn't exactly end amicably, but do you really think she deserved to hear all that? Especially as she sat there on a hospital bed?"

"You don't need to remind me of what a dick I was to her Mouse, I know that myself. She's always been so strong, so burdened for the both of us. She deserves better than my sorry ass dragging her down. I was meant to be the one person she could trust, she told me that when she said she loved me and I ended up completely obliterating that trust. But I swear, I left because I wanted better for her. And even now when I'm mad as hell at her, I know she still should get better."

Mouse couldn't believe how ignorant and stupid Jay was being right now.

"Jay, I know you insisted this morning that you've moved on romantically so I won't broach that again. But you and Erin, well, the two of you were good together and for each other long before you started dating. She needs her friend right now. You need to be there for her. She was just shot for heaven's sake! Voight's still in the hospital, and I know the two of you didn't keep in touch whilst she was away but she really struggled then. I haven't heard her as happy as she was this morning when I returned and saw her and I'm pretty sure that's partly down to-"

"Wait, what?!"

Jay was looking at Mouse like he was a stranger right now.

Mouse looked at Jay in confusion.

"You were in touch with Erin whilst she was in New York?" The way Jay said it, Mouse had a hard time figuring out whether or not it was a question or a statement.

Panicked guilt rose within Mouse as he recognised his mistake.

"Erm, yeah… I guess I just wanted to check up on her and make sure she was okay after you first told me you'd broken up and that she'd left… but erm after I called the first time she broke down and erm…" Mouse was feeling incredibly uncomfortable under Jay's gaze. "When you two dated, she became like a sister to me y'know. She advocated for me when you weren't listening. I guess I couldn't just leave her stranded."

Jay looked at Mouse in anger and shock.

"That's what you think? That I'd be concerned or annoyed with you for keeping in touch with my ex?!"

"No… I-"

Jay's voice became low and staggeringly calm.

"You were in touch with Erin."

"I was."

"And you knew she was struggling."

Mouse gulped. He knew where this was headed.

"I did."

"And you never thought it'd be important to tell me during one of our many conversations?"

"Look, Jay. It wasn't my place to tell you. You told me you were over and done. That you were seeing someone new. Camille right? I mean you weren't in the most stable of places mentally and with your new chick in the picture. That would've killed Erin and I just thought it was in her best interests if-"

Jay wasn't even looking at Mouse anymore. His eyes were scrunched shut, his hand pinching the bridge of his nose and Mouse could see from here his nostrils were flared.

"She was struggling and… Mouse… did you know about…" Jay paused. How could he begin to even ask this question. If Mouse was unaware, he wanted to keep it that way. Erin had told him in confidentiality, and for once in his life, he didn't want to let her down and betray his trust.

But Mouse's silence told him everything he needed to know. The air was thick and Jay opened his eyes to look at Mouse. It confirmed everything he needed to know.

"Damn it Mouse! Why didn't you tell me?!" Jay's palm banged down on the coffee table in front of him as Mouse eyed him in concern. "After everything we'd been through, surely you knew I would've wanted to be there for her… I… I can't lose her Mouse…" And with that a fresh wave of tears began for Jay.

"I know you would have. But I'd been speaking to both of you. And truth be told, with the state you both were in, you wouldn't have been any good for one another at the point."

"But she was all alone! She shouldn't have been suffering alone. Especially when I drove her away from her family and home in the first place."

"She wasn't Jay. She had her partner, and Olivia and me and even Hank. And she overcame that because she's strong. But you can't think like that anymore. Because that was in the past, and if you want to make things better, you better get your ass to that hospital and apologise for being such a prick."

Jay shook his head, defiant taking a sip of his bourbon.

"Jay! Look at me!"

But Jay had heard all he had needed to. And he had stubbornly made up his mind. Erin Lindsay was better off without him. All he seemed to do around her was hurt her. Mouse was right. She had her partner now, and the rest of their Intelligence family would be there for her. Jay just couldn't be that one. Because his words had caused her pain. Because looking at her would only serve as a reminder of everything that had gone wrong today. From him almost losing her, to him crushing her with his words. And because, an increasingly loud voice began to say in his mind, because he wasn't ready to fully let him back in his life again only for her to leave again. He knew it was inevitable that she return to New York. And he didn't want to be there to watch her leave, because not seeing her go five years ago was painful. But after everything, actually watching her go would be devastating. And he wasn't sure that this time he would survive.

Mouse shook his head at Jay's defiance.

"Jay.."

"Please, Mouse," he pleaded. "Please just go. I need time to think."

Mouse nodded standing up. Jay needed to be alone right now, that much he could tell.

"Fine. I'm going to chalk it down to the stress of the day and let you process everything the way you do. But listen to me carefully Jay. If you're still in this sorry ass state tomorrow, you best believe I'm going to come here and kick your ass before you leave."

Mouse left it at that. He wanted to add more, but watching the silent tears roll down his friends face as he stared blankly into the bottom of his glass told him now was not the time. So instead, he patted his friend on the back and left him be for the night, knowing full well that Jay would open up and finally accept his feelings when he was ready. He just hoped he would be ready before it was too late.

Author's Note:

Sorry, not much action in this one. Initially this was meant to be Mouse's talk with Jay, Antonio's with Erin AND Linstead makeup scene and Hailey and Jay's talk. But as I got to the end of this chapter, I realised we'd be at like 15,000 words if we went down that route, so I decided to chop it up. Also, Mouse was meant to be a lot more angrier and forceful with Jay, but poor Jay's really been through the ringer enough the past two chapters and I just couldn't do that. I'm hoping my word count can fit at least Antonio and Erin in the next chapter and Erin and Jay's apologies. Anyways, let me know what you think. It wasn't one of my favourites, but it was necessary for progression. And lastly, I appreciate every single review and PM. You guys have been amazing through it all and I really am motivated by your feedback!