Author's note: Ahhhhh you guys really do make me laugh with all the 'please update!' or the 'update soon!' messages! Y'all realise I update every 24-48 hours right? But in all honesty, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I'm absolutely overwhelmed with the reception of this fic, all your kind comments and am totally mind blown with how many of you are reading this. I initially started this fic as a little bit of fun during some vacation time off work at the tail end of WFH during quarantine, and I never imagined I'd have more than 2-3 people reading it. It's your messages and reviews that motivate me to update even after a long day at work, so keep them coming! Hope you enjoy this one, happy reading :)
As soon as Jay left the room, Erin didn't even attempt to stifle hair tears. Her hand left her mouth, and she dissolved into a pile of tears and snot. Both Antonio and Kim had been quick to run to her side to support her, and that had made her cry all the more. Here she was, after spending years away, away failing to say goodbye to all of her friends, and here they were, having her back even after all this time. And to make things worse, none of them, not even Hailey, had run after Jay.
Despite everything that had happened, she wanted to go after Jay. She wanted to run after him and say she was sorry whilst he held her in his arms and told her she had nothing to apologise for. That he had already forgiven her and that he would always have her back. That he wouldn't ever leave her, no matter how hard she ever tried to push him away. That she could always count on having a friend in him, no matter what life threw their way. She wanted to, but she couldn't. Because she couldn't bear the thought of facing him after what she had said. She had known, or at least heard of Jay's struggles after he had left. He had every right to move on and yet she had just flung Camilla in his face as though it was his fault moving on. And then she had brought up the Rodigers, knowing full well herself how difficult a conversation that had always been for Jay. And she flung it in his face as an accusation. The thought itself had her hang her head in shame. She couldn't go after him, because she couldn't face him. But also because he wouldn't forgive her and she couldn't blame him. If she were him, she would hate herself too.
God, she had been such a bitch to Jay. She wasn't sure why she had said what she had, but she was just so angered by his rush to condemn her… for what? Being reckless. She had to admit, with Jay no longer in the room to cloud her feelings and judgement, she could finally clearly agree that she had been reckless. Incredibly so. She had been incredibly lucky with her flesh wound being a through and through. If Granger had shot a split second earlier, she wouldn't have been sitting here crying about the exchange she had said with Jay. If it had been a split second earlier, well that second Granger's gun had been mere millimeters away from her throat. The bullet would have for sure ripped through her carotid, and she could have bet that the entire medical team at Med wouldn't have been able to put her together again. But instead, she sat here butt hurt about the words Jay had thrown at her. Why was she so hurt? Because she was head over heels in love with the man who had uttered them, and because every word he had uttered had been true.
But when Erin had made the decision to leave the car, she hadn't really thought it through. All she knew, was that the look on Jay's face, the panic and the sheer terror was enough to make her move. All she knew was that Hailey had left a position of cover to save her life from the end of Russo's barrel. All she knew was if she had sat there doing absolutely nothing and had watched Hailey's life be snatched away, she wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt of knowing she sat there and did nothing to prevent it. So she got up, despite Jay's clear instructions, and went barrelling into Granger instead. But she knew if the roles had been reversed, Jay would have probably done the same thing. No, she knew it. With everything in her being, she knew Jay would have not thought twice about the consequences that it would have had on his own life, just like she hadn't. Because if there was one thing she knew, it was that Jay Halstead was as selfless of a man as they came. He always put everyone's needs before his own, and she only loved him the more for it.
Put it to her to fall in love with the world's most loving man only to lose him and then to allow her feelings to resurface after years of unsuccessfully trying to repress them, only to have them come back stronger than ever before and he just has to be unavailable.
She should have apologised. She shouldn't have let her feelings get in the way because he was well within his right to be angry. She should have taken what he had said in stride, acknowledged her wrongdoings and then made amends instead of throwing his anger back in his face as though it had been unjustified. She could have gotten Hailey killed with no proper plan of action, of course he would be reeling. But then again, she was Hank Voight's daughter. If there was one thing she had learnt from him well, it was how to hold your own and be stubbornly defensive in the face of adversity.
The thought of Hank alongside the traumatic events of the day and the bust up with Jay brought out her tears in full force. What a mess everything had become. Why did life have to be this painful and this difficult? Before long, she found it difficult to breathe. Her vision blurred, and she took shallow gasps in an effort to get much needed oxygen into her burning lungs. Antonio quickly sat on the bed beside her, wrapping her head in his arm and pulling her into his chest.
"Shhhh… It's okay. Just breathe with me Erin, just breeeathe. Slowly… Slowly…that's it," and he began to inhale and exhale slowly letting his rising and falling chest guide Erin's breath movements.
Kim also followed suit, sitting on Erin's other side, gently running her hand up and down her friends arm. Between the two of them, Erin found herself slowly calming herself into a state of drowsiness. The events of the day, no the week, had exhausted her, and she found herself craving some much needed sleep.
Her eyes were about to close, when she noticed Hailey was still standing there. Her face resembled somewhat shock but also slight horror. As soon as Erin looked at her, a sense of recognition dawned on Hailey's face, her eyes widening at the thought that ran through her mind. Erin was desperate to know what Hailey had been thinking. She didn't know the detective well enough, but she did know the few times Hailey had seen her, Erin hadn't done much to leave a good impression. And the fight Erin had just had with with her fiance some five minutes ago was no exception. But before Erin could even say anything, Hailey spoke.
"Thank you. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Don't mind Jay he's just…" she frowned to herself. "I don't really know what that was, but I'm sure he didn't mean it. He'll come around soon enough… you know how Jay is."
Erin had wanted to reply no. No, she didn't know how Jay was. At least not anymore. Because in all their years together, as partners, as friends, as lovers, she had never once seen Jay lose his cool quite like this. Yes he had been angry his fair share of times, usually at perps or suspects who were brought in for harming young kids. But Jay was usually the simmer in silence kind of guy. And the few times he had actually lost it, Erin had never, ever been on the receiving end. So this was all new to her, and she didn't quite know what this Jay was capable of.
"Get some rest Erin," she reached over to give Erin's hand a grateful squeeze before she left the room, presumably to find Jay.
And Erin did just that. Allowing the heaviness in her eyes to take over, she dragged herself in a state of unconsciousness.
When Erin finally awoke, she couldn't tell how long she had been sleeping for. She lay there, eyes closed not wanting to open them and face reality. She allowed herself to concentrate on her breath and the sensations within her body to distract her troubled mind. It was only when she realised that her arms were wrapped around a chiselled torso, a strong hand splayed over her back that her eyes finally flung open. Was Jay really here? Did he change his mind and come back for her.
"Hey, you."
Disappointment seeped through Erin, and she tried to not let it show on her facial features. But unfortunately, he knew her too well and caught on.
"Not the face you wanted to see, huh?" Antonio asked.
"I'm not sure what you're talking about Tony, I'm glad to have my big brother back," and with that she snuggled momentarily into his embrace. She meant that much, she was overjoyed that Antonio had been brought back into her life, even if she had wished the circumstances were different.
"And I'm glad I'm here too. So I can kick some sense into my little sister," his tone was light and teasing, but Erin detected seriousness underneath it all.
Erin summoned up her best look of confusion, but apparently, Antonio wasn't buying into it.
"Cut the crap Er."
"Antonio, what are you-"
Antonio cut her short with a look that screamed seriously.
"It's me Erin, come on. Besides, you forget who my sister is."
Gabby, Erin thought to herself. Damn these Dawsons and their strong sibling connection.
"She told you?"
"Aha! So there is something to tell?"
Erin frowned, immensely confused.
"So she didn't tell you?"
"She didn't have to Er," Antonio replied gently. "It's written all over your face."
Erin sighed.
"It's just my luck Antonio. I have the worst timing in the world and now he hates me."
"He doesn't hate you, he's just upset. You got to understand Er, he was a wreck when you left. At first he was in complete denial, would go to your apartment daily. Even when he'd seen it completely cleared out, he was adamant you'd only moved temporarily and you were coming back to him. We all eventually stopped trying to force reality on him, thought it would be better for him to come to terms with it on his own. It was only after Voight confirmed it that Jay realised you'd actually gone, and that's when the spiral started. It wasn't pretty Er. None of us thought he would be able to pull himself out of it."
Erin's heart clenched at what she was told, her body becoming more tense and the acknowledgment of what her actions had done to Jay. At the very least, she should have said goodbye. She knew that now. If she had arrived in their apartment that evening and Jay had already left taking all his things with him and she never saw him again, well she didn't know what she would have done.
"I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty Erin or stir up the past. I'm merely giving you perspective. Not having you in his life made him self-destructive. He was your best friend. We could all see that. It's what made you so great together, both romantically and as partners. You fought like an old married couple, but flirted like a pair of teenagers. You spoke like you were best friends but you had each other's backs like you were siblings. You two were perfect for each other except your problem was you both pushed the other away to protect one another. You have to let the other person in. You know, talk and communicate, no matter how rough or hard or difficult the truth gets. But the two of you would bottle it up wishing your troubles away, and believe me when I say I learnt the hard way Erin, no one wins then. That's when you burst just like the two of you did."
"When did you become so wise?" Erin murmured pondering over his words.
"Oh I always was, you just were never willing to listen," he teased, playfully ruffling her hair.
"What now?"
"That up to you Erin," he sighed. "What do you want? Decide and then lay your cards out. You don't want to regret the rest of your life and live thinking what could've been."
"He's with someone else now though," it was a quiet whisper, but Antonio had heard.
"I'm not telling you to steal him away Er, I'm telling you to be honest with yourself. And be honest with him. You can still remain friends, but you need to tell him how you feel, otherwise even a friendship will be ruined by you attempting to hide or suppress your feelings. And you also need to figure out how strong your love is for him. Is it worth fighting for? And if there's even the slightest of doubt in your mind, then that means yes, you fight like hell. Because love like that? It's a once in a lifetime deal."
She nodded to herself.
"Maybe you're right. Let's just hope he even wants to see me after this."
"He will. Otherwise I'll go kick his ass for having failed relationships with both my sisters."
Erin couldn't help but laugh at that. It was still a little strange to her that Jay and Gabby had dated, even if Jay had assured her whilst they were dating that it was more of a fling than anything else.
As Erin looked around the room, she noticed Kim was no longer around.
"Where's Kim?" she asked, curiosity ringing in her voice.
"She had to leave not long after you knocked out. Granger was being questioned by Ruzek and she joined him in interrogation."
Erin nodded.
"And you didn't go with her?"
"I wanted to be here when you woke up. Besides, I have to fly back out tomorrow evening, I wanted to spend some time with my favourite girl,"
"Ha!" she scoffed, "Let's not pretend like Eva and Gabby and Lizzie aren't your favourite girls."
"They are," Antonio replied without skipping so much as a beat, "but so are you Er,"
Tears began welling up in her eyes at his words. But this time, they were tears of gratitude and joy.
"I wish you didn't have to go. Or that you could at least stay longer," she replied.
"Me too, but I'm leaving you in good hands so you won't miss me too much that you'll cry yourself to sleep every night."
Erin was too curious to know who the person was to fully appreciate his teasing.
"Nathan," Antonio replied knowingly.
"Wait, how do you know Nate. Antonio Dawson, have you been keeping tabs on me?"
"Hmm," Antonio pretended to think to himself. "Keeping tabs, why did I not think of that before?"
"Antonio!" Erin smacked his chest lightly in mock frustration.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" Antonio raised up both his hands in surrender. "He called like three times whilst you were asleep, I eventually figured it was important and that I should pick up."
"He's coming?" Erin asked though Antonio had pretty much confirmed he was.
"He was planning to catch the redeye and get here first thing tomorrow morning, but when I told him you got shot, he said he would take the first available flight out."
"Antonio!" she groaned. Now Nate would be an obsessive worrier fretting over her.
"What did you expect me to say?! Besides, bullet wounds don't heal over night, he would've found out sooner rather than later."
"I would've preferred later," Erin muttered. "Now he won't stop unnecessarily dramatically fretting over me."
Antonio arched his eyebrow at her.
"Is there something going on there for him to be dramatically fretting over you?"
Erin shook her head.
"No!" she almost screamed choking on her spit. "I mean we went on a few very casual dates early on at his insistence, but it never felt right. I never could get over Jay and in the end, we ended up acting and caring for each other too much like siblings to continue pursuing a romantic relationship. He was the one that had brought up how we couldn't force chemistry like that, no matter how much he wanted to. He's like a brother to me Tony."
"Hmmm, well he seemed like a decent guy over the phone. So long as he knows I will always be your favourite brother,"
"Will you cry yourself to sleep every night if I said you weren't?" Erin teased.
"Right, that's it! I'm out of here!" Antonio pretended to quickly get up and leave, but Erin quickly wrapped her arms around his waist and made him stay put.
"Nuh uh! You don't get to leave until I do. I wonder what's taking them so long with the discharge papers," she mused.
"Oh they already came twice whilst you were sleeping with them, I told them not to wake you."
"Antonio!"
"You had just suffered a concussion Erin," he deadpanned.
"How long had I been out for?" she asked.
"I'd say you'd been snoring for just under three hours."
"I do not snore! I just wish I didn't have to waste this much time in a hospital bed."
"Well next time, don't get shot and you won't have to," he teased.
"I'll bear that in mind," she replied sarcastically.
"Oh and Er?" he questioned, "Next time, make sure, CPD or not, that you actually bring a gun to a gunfight. That way, you don't get shot."
"I'll do you one better," she said with a knowing smirk. "Next time, I'll bring friends with guns."
Author's note: I know I said Linstead makeup scene too, but I decided not to yet for a few reasons. One of them being I felt like that was the perfect place to end the chapter. Initially, I was done writing for today, and tomorrow I was planning to do a little more writing before uploading. I plan on having Erin go to make amends but want Jay a little stubborn at first, because in the past let's face it, he's been a little bit of a pushover when it came to Erin. But don't worry that won't last long because he never leaves her in a moment of need. And it was that moment of need that made me decide I wanted to leave that for the next chapter. Because you need rain for a rainbow, and I'm not totally done with the pain yet BUT I also know that that would just be faaar too much angst for the last few chapters, even if this time the angst isn't actually between Jay and Erin. SO now, the next chapter will feature a little bit of heartbreak but then a makeup. I want to dedicate an entire chapter to it, and I want it to be raw and honest and emotional. I do want to reiterate that this is a Linstead fic, we will end with a happy Erin and Jay ending, but not before a rollercoaster for them before that. I also want to remind everyone that whilst I had always maintained that I wanted them to only get together at the very end of the story, I may be willing to add in a few bonus chapters so we can actually see them together together. I also have a little spinoff in my head forming (not the dawsey one, one for linstead) so maybe this book will just be the beginning of their reconciliation and the next one will feature them as a couple. TO CONFIRM: At the very least, my epilogue in this fic will feature Linstead together. Hope this doesn't disappoint those of you that want them together ASAP too much, but I promise, I will do everything in my power to make it worth it. And if you want to know specifically where this is headed, feel free to pop me a PM.
