Author's note: Firstly, I want tot apologise for how long this has taken for me to upload. But between the stress of the election last week and the effects my anxiety was taking physically on my body, and then my increased workload with some of my colleagues testing positive for Covid, I needed to just take a step back and have a breather. In all honesty, I had no intention of writing today or even posting this, but I think we're all missing Erin Lindsay a little harder specifically today and we deserve a little make believe. So I've decided on doing a short post to keep us going because misery loves company and hell, the last few remaining Linstead fans will know when I say we're all in this together. I hope you're all keeping safe and in the best of mental health. Please feel free to PM me if you would simply like to talk or process or need an outlet. With that said, Happy Reading!

They rode in silence the entire way home. Jay could feel a build up of anticipatory dread completely taking over him with every minute that passed by. He didn't want this. He never wanted this. The last thing he ever imagined was that he would end up breaking up with Hailey and hurt her in the process. But now, after the events that had transpired earlier in the day, it was as clear as day to him. His heart belonged to Erin Lindsay. It alway would, and he was ashamed of how long it had taken him to come to this realisation.

In hindsight, his body had reacted long before his mind had caught up. Ever since she returned, he was in constant need of her presence. Like an addict hooked on a drug, merely having her around in his orbit was enough to make him feel a sense of calm and happiness he had not felt in a long time. Then, there were the instances of deep care and worry for her, which went beyond that of a caring friend. And the strange sensations of anger that would suddenly flare up within him? Well he knew now with everything he had in him that it was jealousy. His body had known it, but his mind had refused to accept it. Because accepting it would mean he would have to have the very conversation with Hailey that was now about to take place.

Why had he allowed himself to be in this position? Why had he proposed to her? Why had he allowed himself to get involved with yet another one of his partners. Of course, he knew the answer to all of those questions. He loved Hailey, he cared for her deeply, and if it weren't for Erin, he may well have been in love with her. Hell, perhaps sometime over the years, he may even have been. But in a world where Erin existed and was present, no other woman stood a chance. This was not taking away from the woman Hailey was. She had been a great friend and confidante to Jay over the years, and he hoped that their friendship would be able to continue once she found it in her heart to forgive him, but he wouldn't blame her if she didn't. Though he had never meant to string her along, he couldn't deny his feelings. It wasn't fair to do so to anyone, especially not Hailey. He wouldn't allow himself to be in a relationship with her just for the sake of sparing her feelings when his heart would always crave another.

Jay's mind was racing and his body was working on auto-pilot as he made his way from the car to their apartment. As soon as they entered, Hailey went straight for the living room and sat down on the couch. She crouched over and warily rubbed her hand over her face. Jay eyed her cautiously, debating whether to sit next to her or not, but her mood told him to decide against it and he eventually took a seat in the armchair across from her. He waited for her to look up at him, to look up anywhere other than her feet really so he could start talking. But when he realised that possibly wasn't going to happen, he sighed heavily and opened his mouth to speak.

"Hailey… I…"

Slowly, she lifted her head to look him directly in the eye. He could see the turmoil and conflict within her gaze and he felt incredibly guilty looking into it. How could he soften this blow?

"You love her."

Hailey's words rang clear in the air. They were blunt and to the point and Jay didn't know what to make of the fact that the words had left her mouth before he had a chance to confess. He inhaled ever so slightly, sucking in the air as he heard her words fill the air. She hadn't yet said Erin's name, but they both knew who Hailey was referring to. She was no fool, he knew that. But just hearing her say those words out loud… it made his feelings all the more real. He did love Erin. More than life itself. He had tried, for years, to suppress it, or to hide his feelings. He had attempted to get over her and move on. Lord only knows, he had tried with everything he had within him, but doing so was pointless. It was like pushing down on a coil, the more you pushed, the smaller you tried to make it, the more force and power it would eventually return with. And that had happened with his feelings towards Erin. Because in the end, when she returned, it was like he was finally able to breathe again. He was whole. And though he didn't know it at the time, his feelings had come back in full force.

Jay looked at Hailey. There was a sense of sadness on her face, and he knew he had to apologise before confirming her statement. He had to ensure she knew he still cared for her despite everything. Just not in a romantic way.

"I…"

Why were the words lodged in his throat? Why couldn't he speak?

"I'm sorry," Hailey suddenly blurted before he could even utter a word.

Jay stared at her, wide eyed and slightly agape at the shock and confusion of her apology. During their drive home, his mind had raced through a hundred different possible scenarios their talk would result in, but never in a single one of them had he imagined this. Why was Hailey apologising? She hadn't done anything wrong. He should be the one to apologise.

"Hailey…no-" Jay began, his voice laced with the surprise he felt at her words.

"Please, Jay. Just let me say this much before I lose the nerve to do so."

Jay nodded, unable to say anything else. He could feel a terrible headache coming on and he knew the alcohol he had consumed earlier would not help.

"Ruzek and Burgess…" Jay frowned at her words. This was not where he expected this conversation to go. Hailey took a deep breath and continued. "Ruzek and Burgess, what they have, I've always been in awe of it. It's raw, and it's real and it's kind and it's loving and it's fun and it's serious and there's both love and laughter. I never thought two people who bickered half the time could ever make it work, and yet somehow they do."

Jay couldn't help it now, his curiosity took the better of him.

"I don't understand," he stated.

Hailey sucked in her lips and nodded, lifting her gaze at the ceiling. She didn't blame him, she wasn't making much sense. But she needed this to come from her. She had to say her piece and make peace. Otherwise, she would become bitter and crazy and that was the last thing she wanted.

"I thought they were crazy. An exception to the rule. I thought love had to be all consuming and serious. But seeing Erin back, seeing her return and how the two of you interacted...Jay we don't laugh like that. We don't tease each other like that. We never have. And it made me realise, our love.. My love for you… it's not complete and doesn't manifest in these multifaceted ways. We could be any ordinary couple out there in a crowd, there's nothing uniquely special about our relationship. But you and Erin, the way you interact with one another, the stories I've heard this past week, it reminds me of Ruzek and Burgess. Though if I'm being honest with myself, possibly even more so because you two aren't even together and yet the tension is so palpable. There's a spark and chemistry between you which you can see even when you're simply standing in the room. You gravitate towards each other and you do stand out. There is something uniquely special there. And a part of me saw it, but I denied it, tried to convince myself it was all in my head and that it was some unwarranted jealous part of me looking too deeply into things as the fiance," she was rambling by now, "that if you did love her, you'd tell me. And I told myself to trust you when you said she was just a friend, so instead of readily accepting what was becoming apparent in front of my eyes, I deluded myself instead."

"Hailey, you have to believe me. I thought it was true when I told you that. I would never lie to you like that… I just hadn't realised and accepted it myself."

Hailey looked down from the ceiling and back at Jay offering a sad watery smile.

"I know Jay," she whispered quietly to prevent her voice from cracking. "You're a stand up guy, you'd do what's right. And that's what makes this suck all the more. I found the perfect man, a Mr Right, and I have to reluctantly accept that he's not my perfect man."

Jay didn't know what to say.

"Hails, I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could make this all better somehow. I never deserved your care or love, and I wish I could take away your pain or love you the way you deserve, enough for me to stay with you but..." what more could he say? He wasn't good at mighty speeches, and this one was no exception. He just needed her to know that he wanted for them both to be on good terms.

A single lone tear escaped the corner of her eye and Jay's chest clenched at the sight. He had caused this. He stood up and walked over to where she was sitting, crouching at the ground by her feet and squeezing her clasped hands in what he hoped would provide her comfort.

"But it would be all wrong. I deserve happiness Jay. I deserve a man who loves me for me, warts and all. You can't force yourself to love me, but I believe with everything in me that if you could, you would. Because that's just the kind of stand up man you are. Whilst you're with me, you're settling. For so long now I have been willing and wanting to see the kind of love in your eyes that I have had in mine for you and today, I finally got a chance to see it. When you held Erin in your arms after she was shot... the look in your eyes… I could tell then because that's how I felt when you were shot. I finally saw that love I so badly wanted to see, but it wasn't for me.It was for her."

"I'm sorry," Jay whispered. It was all he could say because he truly meant it and he wanted and needed for her to know that.

"I know. I mean I could sit here begging you to stay, for us to try and work things out but it would all be pointless because you told me once how you had never sincerely been in a relationship where you had been in love and saw a future until you joined intelligence and put your military past before you. At the time I didn't know it was Erin specifically that you were talking about but… it makes sense now I guess. You said you always had short flings or didn't allow yourself to fully open up to anyone and to show your true self or even cry in front of someone else until you got together with your first love. It was her, wasn't it?"

Jay nodded. He couldn't deceive her. She was intuitive.

At his confirmation, Hailey nodded to herself.

"She taught you how to love and she was your first real love. You don't forget your first love and who I would be to stand in the way of that? I deserve an epic love of my own. But most of all, I deserve a man who sees me and thinks that I make his world spin round. Who would move heaven and earth for me, who would be the only one to know if I needed an absurd amount of pillows to comfort me in my sleep..." she added with a soft smile, one that told Jay, with much relief, that she wasn't angry at him.

He let a shaky chortle escape his lips, his own eyes watering at the strength and the courage of the woman that sat in front of him letting him go.

"Your guy.. He's out there Hails, and he'll treat you right otherwise he'll have to answer to me."

A look of surprise flashed through her eyes at his words. It was quick and fleeting but it didn't go amiss on Jay.

"You mean you still want to be around?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course I do! Hailey, we were friends long before we dated and I'm hoping we still can be. I know I don't deserve it, and it probably would be hard for you and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable but…"

"I'd love that," Hailey breathed out. She had remained friends with Adam, and though Jay meant more to her than Adam ever did she knew she would eventually get over her feelings for him.

Jay stood up suddenly.

"I can go pack a bag and stay with Will for a few nights. Give you time to process and give you some space…"

"Don't be ridiculous Jay. This is your home too and I'm a big girl. If we're serious about the whole friends thing, then the least you can do is stay in the guest bedroom until we sort out more permanent living arrangements."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

They stood there awkwardly for a moment looking at one another not knowing quite what to say now. The burden of having this conversation had now been lifted, but what now. Would they actually be able to keep to their word and remain friends or would things get too much for one of them.

Hailey let out a sudden exhale.

"Man, I could use a drink," she said as she sauntered off to the liquor cabinet.

"Yeah," Jay chuckled letting out an exhale of his own and grabbing an additional glass for himself.

Hailey was quick to snatch the glass out of his hand.

"Not for you Romeo. You've had enough to drink tonight and if you're going to be sober when you confess your feelings to Erin tomorrow then no drinking for you."

Jay looked at her in complete awe of her ability to put aside her feelings.

"How do you do it?" he asked in wonder.

"I've learnt from the best," she said, offering him a knowing smile.

And that was all it took to confirm to him that they would be okay. But more importantly, he had her blessing to be with Erin. And now, just the thought of Erin brought a smile to his lips. He felt like a giddy school boy ready to brave the new school year because he would be able to see his crush. But Erin was so much more than that. She was his best friend and his love, and knowing that he would finally be able to tell her how he felt in the morning… well it was all he needed to completely wipe any trace of worry or burden or sorrow his breakup with Hailey had left him feeling earlier in the night before their talk. Erin, his Erin, awaited on the other side of the morning. And before long, just like every day since her return, his mind was consumed with the thought of her, completely taking over. And the best part of it all was, he was happy to let it be.

Author's note:

I know this wasn't the breakup many of you envisioned, but I wanted it to come from Hailey because I didn't want Erin and Jay to be the reason why she was alone and angry. And in my mind, if Erin hadn't left, Jay and Erin would have been great friends with Hailey. But here it was! The much anticipated breakup scene. This means one step closer to Linstead now, and one less obstacle to worry about. Let me know what you thought x