Jay woke up to the incessant buzzing of his phone. He groaned into his pillow before shooting up as he remembered the events of the previous day. Frantically looking to the alarm clock on the nightstand that left the still dark room aglow, panic filled Jay as he wondered who could be calling him at this untimely hour. Was it Hank? Had something happened to his boss whilst he was asleep? Or was it Erin? His heart sank at the thought that Erin had already awoken and could possibly need him and he wasn't there by her side when she had. He hadn't even had the chance to properly apologise for the words he had thrown at her in spite and anger as she lay in the hospital bed earlier yesterday. He didn't want for it to be this way.
When he had finally managed to fall asleep the previous night, he had replayed in his mind a thousand times over as to how he would confess his feelings to Erin. He wanted his declaration to be romantic and to sweep her off her feet. He wanted to utter words to her that he knew she was worthy of. But at the same time, he wanted it to be raw and simple, just like the two of them had always been. He wanted to be the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes. He had even gone as far as to visualise the confusion reflected in her eyes, still hazy from sleep, as she wondered what he was doing there before relief and joy spread across her features. Jay had imagined it all, so many times in fact, that it had almost become his reality.
Almost.
Because now, as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and reached out to disconnect his phone from his charger, he realised the reality he created in his mind may not have the chance to come to fruition.
"Hello?" Jay answered, his voice still groggy from his own sleep as he internally cursed for not checking caller ID before he grabbed his phone blindly from his nightstand.
"Halstead! Good, you're up!"
"Barely," Jay muttered in annoyance as he came to realise the voice of the caller was not the one he so desperately wanted to hear. "Sarge, what are you doing calling me at four in the morning? Hell, what are you doing up at four in the morning?"
"Well after last night, I was a nervous and anxious mess. And Randall needed some tender loving and I needed a distraction so-"
"Woah, woah, WOAH! Sarge," Jay groaned, scrunching his nose at what he heard. "It's too early in the morning for me to have to clear my mind of these unwanted mental images."
"Quit your moaning detective, you asked!"
Jay sighed to himself. There was no winning an argument with Trudy Platt. Not when she was on form like she currently was.
"Sarge, was there a reason you actually called, you know, other than to scar me by informing me about your sex life?"
That seemed to snap her out of it.
"Ah yes. With the madness that occurred yesterday, I forgot to tell you that the commander called in late last evening and would like to be debriefed by you specifically on what went down in the stash house attack. I guess with things moving quickly they want to make sure they aren't missing anything so you have to come in early today."
"How early?" Jay asked in annoyance. This wasn't in his plan. He wanted to meet with Erin this morning. He wanted, no, needed to see her.
"6 AM sharp. Don't be late wonderboy," and with that the line went dead.
Jay sighed to himself and tossed his phone to the side before attempting to get a quick shut eye. He had had a restless sleep because of how nervous he was and he knew if he wanted the conversation with the commander to go well, he would have to get a little more rest. After tossing and turning for the next twenty minutes, he realised sleep would no longer come. His mind was way too alert and resembled a live wire. Deciding he needed to calm his nerves down, Jay peeled the sheets off of his body before padding as quietly as he could across the apartment to the storage cupboard. He was up, but the last thing he wanted to do was to wake Hailey up too. Carefully, and ever so slowly, he rummaged around till he found a battered cardboard box that he was looking for. He pulled it out before carrying it to the confines of his now quarters in the guest room.
As soon as he got there, he shut the door and sat crossed legged against it with the box at his feet. His hands trembled slightly, and Jay reached across the lid of the box smoothing it over, once, twice, before he lifted the cover. As soon as he did, he inhaled shakily. It had been a while, four years to be precise, since Jay had actually opened this box and looked at its contents. At first, Jay had been too afraid to open it, scared that doing so would invite in an emotional tidal wave. But as time went on, he found himself moving on, and he no longer felt the urge to seek solace in the box and all it had to offer. At least he had told himself he didn't, because looking back now, he realised that despite his adamance that he did not need the box and everything that came with it in his life anymore, he could never bear to throw it out. So instead, he packed it up and put it into his storage cupboard. Out of sight, out mind, he had told himself. Anything really, so long as a part of it stayed with him- close enough so that it was there, far enough that he wasn't visible. Almost like its hidden presence alone had brought him comfort. Because in his own little way, this was his way of never letting go.
Jay pulled out the first memento from the box. Peeling back the layer of crumpled kraft paper and then the protective bubble wrap, a tear escaped from the corner of his eye as he held the empty glass bottle by its neck. The last gift Erin had ever given him. He had been so excited to see her when she had shown up to Molly's that birthday, that he initially hadn't even noticed the sadness in her eyes. It's as though Adam had screamed 'Lindsay' across the bar and all coherent thoughts flew out of Jay's mind. His entire body had perked up, his head whipped around to see if she had really come with his own eyes. And then when he finally did lay eyes on her, he was able to exhale a breath he hadn't even noticed he had held in. Maybe there was hope for him and Erin after all, he had thought. She had come for him, that had to mean something, right? And wrapped in his bubble of hope and longing, Jay had failed to see the pure defeat and exhaustion in the eyes he loved the most. And he was so taken aback by her eventual admission of it, that he had failed to do anything meaningful to help her. She had actually admitted to him that she was struggling, when she had always been so strong in the face of adversity. She had opened herself up, allowed herself to pull down that instinctual guard of hers in front of him and let herself be emotionally vulnerable. And in return? The best Jay had been able to do was offer her a hug. He wondered during many sleepless nights, and even now, how things might have played out differently if he had gone after her instead of watching her leave. If he had been able to physically show her that he was there for her instead of just offering her advice and platitudes. If he had abandoned his makeshift party and just spent the evening with her instead. When he had walked out on her in weeks prior, she had vocally offered him her support. Why had he then failed to do the same when she had verbalised to him that she was drowning? Jay had no answer to this question of his beyond the fact that he had been the world's biggest fool. It was only truly at the point, that things began to spiral downwards for the two of them. Erin began to close herself off from him completely, refusing to even fight to be his partner, and if Jay were being honest, he had no one to blame but himself.
Gently placing the bottle on the floor beside him, Jay reaching into the box to pull out more mementos of Erin. There were some receipts clipped together- from his first date with Erin, a copy of her purchase of the couch he'd helped her procure, the tab from the night she took his to her high school reunion. There was her sheet from their day together at the shooting range all folded into a neat tiny square. She had so proudly told the instructor that he should have it framed that Jay knew he needed to have it framed for her. He had gone back later that day to collect it and intended to gift it to her on her birthday amongst other things, but of course, she had left before they had a chance to spend even one more birthday together. There was her old keychain from her keyring that she had for their 3000. There was her name tag from her vest from her time back in intelligence. Jay had torn that off before the vest could be sent back or reissued after she had left. And then finally, at the bottom, two pictures. The first was the one he had scraped off of her closet floor in their old apartment after she had left. The second was the one he had clung to when she had first left intelligence for the task force. The same picture he had seen on Erin's bedside table at Voights. A happy memory reminding him of the two of them working together; a reminder that they fit together- in all aspects of life, they worked. Jay mentally beat himself up at the thought that he had ever let her walk out of his life. And the fact that he had let her stay out of it for so long- what had he been thinking?!
Jay sat there for what seemed like forever, staring at the mementos that signified what had been of his and Erin's relationship. He felt like he was sitting in a state of purgatory, neither able to tell Erin's how he felt yet, nor able to get into work and make pro on the case due to it being the early hours of the morning.
He was thankfully alerted by the vibrating of his phone that it was time to get ready if he was to make it on time to his meeting with the commander. Carefully packing everything back into the box, Jay stood up and pocketed the name tag from Erin's vest. He could not be with Erin for now, but he would carry a part of her with him until he could. He had been separated from her for too long, and now just the idea of him acknowledging his feelings had him all jittery. He could not get enough of her. Could not stop thinking about her. She occupied every last thought in his mind. He was head over heels for her like it was the very first time all over again.
Placing the box underneath the guest bed, Jay left to get ready for his meeting. The quicker it was over, the quicker he could get to Erin, he thought to himself. And soon enough couldnt happen quite quickly enough.
Hailey was almost at the 21st when she received a call from Jay asking her to collect Erin from Hank's and bring her to the precinct. His voice sounded apologetic, like he felt horrible for even asking that from Hailey after their breakup the previous night, but Hailey assured him she was fine. Like Jay had put it, Erin was vulnerable being concussed and whoever was after Hank could be after Erin what with her staying at his place and their connection with one another. Jay hadn't verbalised this part, but Hailey also knew that he didn't want Erin to be alone after the previous night. He'd only be at ease knowing she was within reach, and the only place he could know that and still be focused on his work was at the 21st. And so, despite the subdued pain in her heart that was still somewhat raw, Hailey turned back to drive in the direction of Hank's.
Once she had arrived, she quickly eyed herself I the overview mirror to check her eyes would not betray her emotions. She had a hard time sleeping and had finally fallen asleep just after 3AM. When she had awoken, she was somewhat relieved to find the note Jay had left her telling her he had to leave for work early. After the confessions of the previous night, the last thing Hailey wanted was an awkward morning that left the two of them stepping on eggshells around each other into their shift at work.
After a few exhales, Hailey quickly stepped out of the car and closed the distance between the kerb and Hank's porch. She closed her eyes and counted to ten, inhaling and exhaling with each number, before opening them and knocking on the door. Whilst Hailey had meant every word that she said to Jay the previous night, it didn't mean that she wasn't still hurt or reeling from the way that things had turned out. She had no hard feelings towards Jay, or even Erin for that matter, but truth of the fact was she had loved Jay. Still loved Jay. And she couldn't just turn off her feelings like some light switch just because he revealed to her that he was still in love, or re- in love with his ex-girlfriend. It didn't take away the many special moments Hailey had spent with Jay over the past few years. He had been her rock through troubling times, and her his. And now she was going to have to put her love aside and let him follow his heart. She was just glad that it was for a girl as great as Erin. Lord only knew, Hailey knew she had a difficult life and deserved better than what fate had brought her so far. If she couldn't be with Jay, she had peace of mind knowing Erin was worthy of the love, care and attention she knew that only Jay Halstead could give.
It was a few moments before Hailey heard footsteps and the front door opened to reveal a very flustered looking Erin, her hair dishevelled and confusion settling in her half asleep eyes. Hailey didn't blame her. Erin had had a hell of a 24 hours and the last person she would expect to see on her doorstep was what she assumed to be her ex-boyfriends fiancé.
"Hai.. Hailey, hi!"
Her voice was high pitched, the surprise evident in the tone.
It was only as Erin began fastening up the last few buttons on the oversized plaid shirt that she was wearing did Hailey notice the attire on the former cop's body. Erin was bare waist down, with only the shirt she was wearing covering her. It certainly was not the outfit that Jay had left her sleeping in last night, and the size of that top suspiciously did not look like it belonged to a woman.
"Hey, Erin," Hailey began with a wary smile. "I just wanted to check up on you after last night and Ja-"
Before Hailey could complete her sentence, she was cut off by a voice from inside.
"Lins! Have you seen my shirt?!"
Erin looked apologetically at Hailey.
"I'm really sorry. I wasn't expecting anyone this morning, I…"
Before Erin could finish, a shirtless stranger came down the stairs and into Hailey's line of sight. He was tall, dark and handsome in the most cliché way. Hailey took a moment to take in the chiseled abs and piercing green eyes. His lashes and hair were a dark ebony and he was sporting a five o'clock shadow.
Hailey's heart was sent plummeting. Not just for Jay, but for the cruel twist of fate that this morning had sprung upon them all. How was Jay going to take this? Who was the stranger upstairs? Did either of them stop to think about Erin's relationship status or was this merely a one night stand. If so, where had she picked him up from when she had been so clearly asleep when Hailey and Jay had left the previous night? It was more likely this was a more long-term partner of Erin's who turned up after Jay and Hailey had left, right?
Hailey's head began spinning with all the unasked questions that remained unanswered with every passing second.
One came to mind that she immediately attempted to squash:
If Jay couldn't be with Erin, could she still take him back and try to work through their issues?
She answered this one for herself. No. She had more self-respect and knew that both she and Jay deserved better than to be someone's second choice. Even if Erin didn't take Jay back, Hailey would not attempt to rekindle her relationship with Jay.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Firstly, I'd like to apologise for how long this last chapter has taken me to upload. The delay has stemmed from a series of things, I haven't been in the best of headspace these past 7 or so months which has taken a mental and physical toll on my body. Work has been non-stop and I've not had the chance to sit down and right. And personal and professional stresses have only added to my writer's block. Taking a break from writing for so long after I felt like I was on such a roll also meant I forgot what I had in mind for my chapters, characters and most importantly the ending. In a sense, it came to a point where I felt disconnected from this fic and the writing felt poor and forced. I hope this chapter has done your expectations some justice, I know it's not the best and I know it's not what many of you were hoping but any misconceptions will be addressed in the following chapters. As for when the following chapters will be uploaded, I have no idea and make no promises. The process has been slow and arduous and I can only thank you all for your patience and for those of you who will continue to read despite the inconsistent timeline of uploads. Once again, I thank you for all your support. Happy reading!
