Author's Notes: Update! Look at that I didn't make you wait two weeks for it. I'm getting better. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. Never have, never will. I simply play in their world.
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"Suddenly she realized
that what she was regretting
was not the lost past but the
lost future, not what had not
been but what would never be."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
Rey
I never knew laughter had a texture to it. A warm weight on my skin like a familiar friend leaning against me.
It tickles the air, motes of light dancing as if inviting all who hear to play.
These people do not mourn for their dead but revel in the life they lived and look towards the future as the young hold their hopes in small hands.
I see an elder being led by a youngling both delighting in each other's company.
A mother cradling a swaddled bundle in her arms, infinite tenderness in every gesture as if she carries a precious treasure.
A man at her side, his hand stroking the top of the bundle, sharing the look of the mother. She leans into him and I sense their emotions, a gentle warmth in my mind.
Peace and the quiet joy of being together.
I turn away from the happy scene.
Their love for each other, for the small infant held in their arms, is too much for my grief-stricken heart.
"...tomahi...sochi an cheisen...ah!"
Raucous cries catch my attention drawing me in despite my sudden melancholy.
There are at least a dozen children sitting on blankets beneath a pitched awning and some kind of entertainment was being held for their amusement.
Puppets made of straw and patches of bright fabric being manipulated by strings. I don't understand the language but the gestures make the story clear.
A man and woman together and the man was trying to get the woman's attention...and she was ignoring him.
The male begins making extravagant gestures to the woman, the children laughing at his antics and the sight is so comical that I laugh as well, my voice blending in with the children.
"Simpu atu nima?"
A sweet voice that pulls my attention away from the play and I look down to see a child of this world at my side, looking up at me with liquid eyes full of bright curiosity.
A verdant green wrap that leaves the arms bare and decorated with beads around the neck and hem coupled with the soft tenure of the voice makes me believe this must be a girl.
I get down on my knee's, she is much shorter than I am.
"I'm sorry. I don't understand."
She pats my leg with her stubby hands, innocent joy alight on her face.
"Tomu attin shudo! Immi se Nambi Ghima!"
I can tell she is excited but I still have no idea what she is trying to tell me.
"Mistress Rey shall I translate?'
I look up at Threepio coming towards me and for once I am happy to see the droid.
"Yes, thank you. I don't understand the language here."
"Her name is Nambi Ghima and she would be pleased to offer you a gift of welcoming to the Festival."
I look to the little girl and see that she is holding up some kind of necklace. The beads are beautiful, dusky orange and a rich red swirling together. At intervals are miniature figures that look like tiny dolls.
I don't know what the necklace means but I bow my head so she can slip it around my neck.
"Soti ni amune shi! Totu sa attin se?"
"She says the necklace will bring you happiness and wishes to know your name."
A curious tenderness I feel for this little girl who has gone out of her way to befriend a complete stranger.
There is much kindness in her.
"I'm Rey. Thank you for the gift, it's lovely."
Nambi Ghima stars waving her arms around, her dark eyes alive with excitement.
"Meina su etsumi! Densi camii attin? Setun ma humoin!"
"Nambi Ghima is most pleased that you like her gift. She asks for your family name as she would be honored to hear it."
Solo.
That name crowds my tongue, Ben's face a vision in my minds eye and the question on his lips that I had stopped him from asking.
If only I...
I swallow hard and give myself a moment to breathe. Regret like bitter ash on my tongue where that name had been.
I give Nambi Ghima a strained smile.
She is waiting patiently for my answer and I wonder if all children are like her.
"I...I have no last name," I finally admit, "Just Rey."
She tilts her head and I know she is confused when Threepio translates. I struggle to explain but an adult Aki-Aki comes to collect the little girl and our time is over.
"Go with them Threepio, see if they know anything about the Hermit."
"Of course Mistress Rey. I would be delighted to offer my services-"
"Threepio," I sigh, "the family. Go."
A quick bow and the droid does his shuffling walk to catch up with the girl and her family.
Family.
Something I've never had and despite all the people around me, I feel bereft in this sea of faces.
An ache in my soul, a fierce longing for Ben that bows my head, tears that will not fall blur my vision.
I grasp the necklace around my neck wishing that it did have the power to bring happiness.
"Mama!"
I snap my head up, blinking to clear away the blurriness.
There is no one here. Just jubilant celebration that should have made it impossible to hear a single voice in this noise.
But I know what I heard.
"Mama! Look at me!"
I'm on my feet and searching the crowd for the owner of that voice.
Nothing but alien faces looking back and I turn away, frustration and something more pushing me to keep going.
My quest pulls me away from the main body of the festival, I'm almost to the outskirts now and the crowds are thinner here.
But there is no child. No phantom voice calling out to me.
"I don't understand!"
The necklace is still clutched in my hand, the press of the beads digging into my skin.
"Mama!"
The world around me fades and I no longer stand in a burning desert but a vision of tranquil green, the sound of water mingling with a single voice...
"Mama look at me!"
A little boy with hair like a ravens wing touched by fire. He lifts his face to mine, amber eyes that are full of mischief as he wiggles his fingers and makes the pebbles he's playing with float.
I laugh and shake my head at his antics.
"What are you today my little prince?"
"Imma Jaydi!"
"Oh are you?"
He squeals when I drop to my knees and capture him, planting kisses over his face.
"Mama!" shrieks of laughter as we tumble to the ground and I pretend to be a great beast hunting it.
"I have you now!"
"Papa save me!"
I look up at as a shadow falls over us. Eyes of shattered starlight stare down at me with amusement and I grin when I see the corners of his mouth twitching and a chuckle slips out.
He's trying hard not to laugh and failing beautifully.
My son wiggles free and his father scoops him up by the ankle, the boy screaming with delight as his world turns upside down as he is spun around.
He sets our son down after a few moments and I watch helpless with laughter as he stumbles around like a drunk swifting bee.
"You do realize he's going to expect you to 'rescue' him all the time now."
"Of course."
Ben drops to his knee's, grinning at me as he tugs me into his arms.
"You're impossible." I go willingly into his embrace.
"I am a Jedi," smug amusement coating every word, "Nothing is impossible."
Our son has gone back to his pebbles, showing off to his father now and I hear his quiet laughter at this new trick.
My husbands arms around me. Our son playing in the distance.
A sweet, suffusing joy fills me.
I never imagined I could be this happy...
The vision breaks as the beads fall from my numb finger and I drop to my knee's, the unyielding ground catching my fall.
I...what was that?
I close my eyes and see the little boy who has my eyes...and Ben's smile.
Our son.
Was this vision of a future that we might have had together...or just the madness of my mind, tormenting me with the impossibility of what will never be.
To not be alone anymore.
To finally know where I belong.
Icy rain that blankets my senses, shards of night that twine around my soul...
The world shifts and I close my eyes as senses realign and the Bond melds us together once again.
I no longer feel the desert heat against my skin, taste the sharp spices on my lips or hear the song of revelry in the air.
Nothing in this void but the pounding of my heart, the echoing flow of blood in my veins and the rush of air as I breathe.
I open my eyes and stare at the white walls. Sterile and cold, a chill against my skin and yet this place...it is familiar to me.
As though I have been here before, in a dream that wasn't a dream.
"I can feel your chaos Rey. Still plagued by nightmares?"
The cadence of his voice has changed. Sweeping darkness that still has the power to pierce the ragged remains of my soul, to make the blood in my veins move faster but there is a chill in my bones now.
No warmth in his voice, no aching tenderness. Only control and power that presses against my will.
Something is terribly wrong and I turn, my vision from only moments ago overlapping with the reality of now.
A scream locks in the back of my throat and I feel as though I am caught in a nightmare.
The man before me was not Ben.
This is the Kylo Ren from when we first met, a creature in a mask that hunted me down and forced his way into my mind.
A fracture of night against the blinding white of this sterile room. His cloak falls like dark wings to the floor, the muted gleam of his armor peeking through.
The mask in not the same from before. Veins of crimson now streak through the black, the silver band obscuring his eyes from my sight.
He is terrifying and I want to scream at him that this isn't him.
This is not the man that I-
"I have nothing to say to you, Kylo Ren."
"Denying who I am won't save you Rey."
"As if I need saving."
"Palpatine is hunting you."
Frost in my blood and I can't stop the shiver that takes hold of me when he speaks that wretched name.
"Is that why you placed a bounty on my capture?" I sneer at him, trying to push back the fear hooking claws into me, "Bowing before the wishes of another master?"
I don't hide the disappointment I feel right now. The anger that is burning embers now. How dare he lie to me! He told me he would never serve Palpatine and yet here is he, telling me that I'm being hunted by him.
"Never."
I blink at the vehemence of his response. I'm the one who is angry so then why does he sound disappointed with me?
"He is merely a means to an end."
I should stop this. I shouldn't be here, bandying words with him but I cannot bring myself to walk away.
"What ends?"
"The end of this war. I made you a promise, I intend to keep it."
"You're lying."
"I've never lied to you Rey."
No he hasn't. He simply twists his words to suit his purpose. Tears of bitter regret sting my eyes but I refuse to so much as lift my hand to wipe them away.
This is Kylo Ren and I will show him no weakness, nothing to exploit and use against me.
"I'm done."
I don't have time for his games...for the distraction he causes me and close my eyes, intending to break the connection melding us together.
"Why did you walk away from me?"
My breath catches at the yearning I hear, that soft hesitation that is at odds with the man before me.
"You were happy, so why did you leave me?"
Anguish and bewilderment that breaks my heart and I open my eyes. The mask is still in place but I can see the man beneath it now.
I swallow hard and clench my fist.
"You left me." I can barely get the words out, tears clogging my throat. "I didn't ask you to leave."
"You didn't ask me to stay."
"What do you want from me?" I can hear my own desperation and I watch, mouth dry, as he moves closer to me.
The scent of ice and frozen rain is stronger, taking hold of my senses and I feel lightheaded from it.
"I want to know why you didn't join me. I offered you everything...and you still denied me. Why?"
I can't tell him. Not the real reason and panic blooms in the pit of my stomach and it makes me angry that I keep feeling this way around him.
As though I'm being torn in two.
"You offered me nothing," I snarl at him, pain making me reckless and I lash out, "you speak to me of my own nightmares but what about yours?"
A stillness around him, tension in the air a heavy weight but I ignore the screaming of my senses and take a step towards him.
"You told me you could feel my chaos but what I sense is your own conflict."
I reach out deliberately through our bond to taste the flavor of his emotions.
Longing, yes, a desire so fierce that it brushes fire through my veins...but beneath that I sense his sorrow.
A cry of loneliness that echoes my own and I grit my teeth in effort not to reach out and touch him.
"Tell me, Kylo Ren, do you still see the face of Han Solo after you killed him?"
His silence is the answer between us and I wonder what madness has gotten into me to throw that in his face.
"Do you still see the faces of your parents Rey?"
Pain in my chest, a tearing of my soul at the mention of the people I can't remember.
He knows I don't remember my parents and to ask me that...
"Shut up!"
"Such anger in you," silken words caressing me despite the mask that warps his voice, "so much pain for people you can't even remember. Shall I tell you what your parents look like?"
"What?"
He moves closer until we are barely inches apart and I stare up into his masked face, the crimson veins eerily glowing in this white room.
"I've seen your nightmares...and the faces of your parents who left you behind."
"Stop it...you can't...you can't know that!"
"But I do."
He lifts his hand to me.
"Take it and know the truth."
I tremble, clenching and releasing my fists in an effort to not take what he is offering me.
"Is it fear or stubbornness that stops you I wonder?"
I shake my head...and step back from him.
"You're lying...trying to distract me from what I'm suppose to be doing!" I glare at him through the tears, "I'm not going to give into you Ren."
A soft, almost inaudible sigh and he drops his proffered hand.
"I will show you the truth Rey and when I do you won't turn away from me again."
I have no idea what he's talking.
I open my mouth to reply but gasp as he suddenly reaches out to rip the necklace off my neck.
"Ren!"
"I will find you Rey. You cannot hide from me."
"No! Wait-!"
I stagger as the world shifts from cold, sterile white to the blazing heat of the desert. The cries of the festival are deafening to my ears.
I reach up to clutch my necklace...the one that had showed me the vision of my son...and it's missing.
Ren had taken it.
I stare down at my chest, uncomprehending.
The Bond melded our minds together, allowed us to traverse time and space...and now it seemed, manipulate it as well.
Ren has my necklace.
The necklace that will tell him exactly where to find me.
Just as he promised.
"Oh gods...what have I done..."
I just led Kylo Ren straight to us.
