WARNING! There is a description of a major character's death in this chapter, PLEASE skip it if you have difficulty dealing with loss. It took a lot out of me to write it so I hope those of you who do read it can feel it.

"If I look at one more dress or pastry shop I am going to start throwing one at the other," I growled, my frustration at being put on the back burner once again finally coming through. "I'll let you guess which." I crumpled up the missive and tossed it into the elaborate fireplace in front of me. May sighed deeply.

"I told you I could always try one of my contacts…" I held up a hand with an apologetic smile.

"I will not have you owing anyone a favor for my benefit," I insisted. "I appreciate the gesture however this is something I must handle on my own." Trying to bolster myself, I thought back to Leliana's words when I saw her in Denerim the previous month.

She was concerned about the mage/templar issue, so much so that she was planning a trip to Kirkwall to find out what was going on there for herself. I smiled. Always a hands-on type of person, Leliana was nothing if not an inspirational leader who set examples rather than sending instructions.

"I agree," I said, sipping my bourbon before placing it back on the end table. "You should meet Hawke and company for yourself to form your own opinion, not just go by what I tell you. If anything," I said as I placed a comforting hand on hers, "it will put you at ease and, by extension, Justinia. Maybe even Cassandra!" I laughed as soon as her name was out of my mouth, to which Leliana had to cover hers to prevent a very unladylike response. Shaking her head she maintained her control and sighed.

"You've no idea how much I've missed you," she said, squeezing my hand on top of hers. "The people in Val Royeaux are so infused in the Game that it seems honesty has gone out of fashion years ago." She released my hand and stood, gesturing to the balcony to which I nodded and followed. Outside, I took her in a warm hug and kissed her head before pulling back, giving her my most loving smile.

"I will always be here for you, anything you need." She smiled and shook her head.

"Do one thing for me, please." She took my hands in hers. "If you ever go to Val Royeaux please be sure to wear your 'mask' at all times and remember that you are an Arlessa." Releasing them, she took a lock of my hair between her fingers, a softer smile on her lips.

"You are worth 100 of those pompous tits."

"Your Grace?" May broke me from my revelry, snapping her fingers in my direction. I blinked a few times then smiled at her, nodding.

"I'm here, just thinking." I tapped my chin, trying to formulate a strategy. "Leliana should be back from Kirkwall tomorrow according to her last letter. I'm sure she knows I am already here so I assume she will seek me out. I suppose we will have to just wait for her." I threw up my hands slightly and plopped down into a lovely lime-green stuffed chair with ornate wood carvings. "At least Hawke was back in Kirkwall by the time she arrived. That may have proven problematic." I rubbed my face with my hands then looked into the fire. "I've only been here 2 weeks, what's one more?"

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door, startling both May and I to standing. We looked at each other, confused, and May made her way across the room.

"Who is it?" she asked succinctly.

"It's Garrett, May, is Kora here?" My eyes went wide as I nodded repeatedly to May, prompting her to open the door. Garrett Wulff, my childhood friend and one-time betrothed hurried into the room with Isabela in tow.

Once May closed the door and they peeled their coats off, the rain outside having drenched them to the bone, they rushed to the fire, draping the wet garments on chairs nearby to dry. They were both shivering so May stoked up the fire a bit more as they rubbed their hands together trying to warm them.

The anticipation was killing me as I shook my own hands and bit my lip, looking at Garrett with an expectant expression. He put up both hands and approached me, a serious expression taking over his handsome features.

"There is a Warden named Stroud, Anders pointed us in his direction. He is on his way," he explained quietly, taking both my hands in his. "He has news and asked us to meet him here. Kora, love…" the way he said my name I knew something was wrong and my heart slowly sank into my gut. "I don't think it's good."

I swallowed, taking a steadying breath. With Alistair being a Warden, I knew there was a good chance I would out live him. His best-case life expectancy was approximately 50, more than likely less, but the idea of him being gone before Duncan had even completed his schooling wasn't something I'd prepared myself for.

There were so many places I wanted to show him! Rivain, Antiva; there was a whole world out there that I wanted to share with him. He needed to watch our son grow up, live life, show him how to be a man, how to take a punch and get back up again. He was supposed to be there to keep me in line, help me to know when to stop mothering, or smothering as Duncan liked to call it. He… there was still so much…

He couldn't be gone.

I felt a hand on my cheek, brushing away tears I didn't know I'd shed. I looked up into chocolate-brown eyes and started to shake. Knowing me as he did, Garrett guided me over to a chair before I collapsed, lowering me down slowly before stepping aside to allow Isabela to kneel before me. Her hands on my knees, she gently squeezed them while looking up at me with a soft smile. In her eyes I saw sympathy, loss, empathy and something akin to love. The kind of love people with shared tragedies had for one another.

"We're here for you, kitten," she whispered as she took one of my hands and kissed it before squeezing it with both hands. I nodded and tried to smile when there was another knock on the door. I looked at May who had already made her way across the room. Opening the door a crack, she nodded and allowed someone to enter, a tall man in Warden armor with dark hair and a bushy mustache.

He scanned the room and spotted me, making eye contact and taking a breath before walking toward the fire. I wanted to stand but my legs would not cooperate so I reached out to him to shake his hand. He took it, planting a slow kiss on my knuckles before meeting my eyes again.

"Your Grace," he said, his Orlesian accent thick. "My name is Stroud, I wish this meeting were under far different circumstances…" He visibly swallowed and sighed when my only response was a nod.

Fishing around inside his jacket, he pulled out a letter. When I saw the seal the tears started anew.

It was a griffon.

"I inquired with a contact at Weisshaupt regarding your husband," he continued, eyeing the parchment. "In response I received two letters, one was addressed to myself and one to you." He extended the hand with the letter toward me with a nod. I took it with a shaking hand and nodded back.

"Thank you," I whispered, unable to bring my voice to full volume. Turning it around in my lap, I stared at the object that was certainly going to change my life forever. I heard a chair scraping across the floor and looked up to see Garrett pulling one over to face me. He sat down and took my free hand.

"You don't have to read it," he spoke softly, as if I were a startled animal he was trying to calm. "I can if you want." I shook my head.

"No," I croaked out and took a deep breath. "I will read it. I just need…"

A small glass with three fingers of bourbon appeared at my side, Isabela nodding for me to take it. The glass felt heavy in my hand but I clutched it tight, taking a long pull before placing it on the table next to me. I looked back at the seal. It almost felt as if it was mocking me.

How dare you think you deserved to be happy? How dare you interfere with the natural order of things? What did you think you were doing, saving lives? Look what you did to him! This would never have happened if you had just stayed away!

You never deserved him.

"Enough," I whispered to myself, popping off the seal and opening the message.

Your Grace Arlessa Kora Kendalls Theirin,

We regret to inform you that your husband, Warden Alistair Theirin, has been killed in the line of duty to his fellow Grey Wardens.

Warden Alistair was called upon to serve when a sensitive matter was brought to Weisshaupt's attention last year. Due to the nature of the issue we cannot go into detail however it may bring you some small amount of peace to know that he sacrificed himself to save the lives of the other 15 men and women who had accompanied him.

Were it not for his bravery, the mission would not have been successful and many others would have perished. We are imminently grateful for his loyalty and steadfast devotion to the Order.

Please accept our sincerest condolences to you and your family.

First Warden Alec Rappart

Grey Wardens of Weisshaupt, The Anderfels

I read it over and over, a numbness taking over as I absorbed every word, memorized every sentence. Finally I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut to wring them of the tears pooling there and wiped madly at my face to be rid of them. I was done crying, I was done feeling sorry for myself…

I was done feeling.

Folding up the parchment I stood, facing the Warden who shifted his stance under my hardened gaze.

"Thank you Warden Stroud," I said, speaking clearly for the first time since they'd arrived. "I appreciate you bringing this to me personally and for your seeking out the truth behind my husband's disappearance. Your assistance proved invaluable and if you should ever need something that I can assist with, please feel free to contact me directly." I put out my hand which he took, kissing my knuckles once again with a weak smile.

"Your Grace, thank you for the generous offer." He nodded to me, then to Garrett and Isabela and turned to leave. May opened the door and ushered him out when I felt a hand on my arm. I turned to see Garrett's concerned expression to which I offered a small smile.

"I knew," I told him simply. Swallowing my heart back down, I sighed and shook my head. "A part of me always knew if he didn't come home it was because he was gone. I just… needed to hear it." I raised the letter, handing it to him as I turned to face May.

"Let's get packed, we are going home." Steeling myself, I lifted my chin. "They will not hear it from anyone's lips other than mine."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The trip back to Denerim was slow. Although it may have been just my imagination, the horses seemed less thrilled to return than I was. Garrett and Isabela traveled with us as far as Gwaren, setting off toward the docks where her ship was to be waiting. Ever the multi-tasker, Isabela had sent her people on a short expedition during her trip to Val Royeaux and arranged for them to meet her in Ferelden. Garrett seemed reluctant to leave me but I assured him I would be well taken care of, insisting he get on with things as I had decided to do.

Of course, it was all an act.

As soon as I was alone the ache in my chest would take over, forcing the floodgates open and leaving me a sobbing mess. Eyes swollen from crying would try to close, to sleep but every moment in every dream all I could see was his face. I would see him desperately fighting off an unending horde of darkspawn. Then, finally succumbing to their number he would look at me with sheer terror in his eyes as he disappeared under a mound of blighted bodies.

Sometimes it would be a distorted memory. One recurring dream was of the battle in Denerim. Instead of me facing down an ogre it was Alistair. I would run as fast as I could, screaming at the beast but every time it would ignore me and slam his defenseless body into the dirt over and over again.

And every time I would wake up bawling.

It took five days to get back to Denerim. Five days that I mourned my husband alone. Five days that I chose to torture myself, placing the blame for everything solely at my own feet and beating the shit out of myself.

I imagined I was not a pretty picture when I arrived at the palace to retrieve my son.

Michel gave me a concerned look before disappearing up the stairs. Assuming he was going to collect Duncan I sat down on a bench by the door, trying to reign myself in before I came face to face with my boy. Trying to figure out how I was going to tell him, I shook my head as I heard someone approach and put on my mask. Lifting up my chin and smiling, I came face to face with Cailan.

His eyes were stern and appraising, looking over every detail of my features. I knew he could see the puffy eyes, swollen lips and maybe even the flush in my cheeks but I could blame that all on the wind. Then our eyes connected and I gasped. The man could read me like no other and there was no hiding the despair, it was far too deep and raw. I held my breath, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

Then my mask slipped, and so did his.

"My office," he mumbled and bolted up the stairs. I closed my eyes and sighed, trying to steady myself as I stood to follow. Shit. I do not want to deal with this right now. I want to see my son. I want a hot bath and to send a letter to Caden. But it didn't matter what I wanted. He was my King and I had no choice.

At the top of the stairs I entered the room and closed the door behind me, making for a chair. Cailan stepped in front of me and took me into his arms, curling one around my waist and cradling my head against his cheek with the other. At first I froze, trying desperately to maintain control. Gritting my teeth I prayed for strength but his warmth and affection slowly loosened my hold on the pain until finally I gripped his shoulders and started whimpering. Pushing my face into his neck I wrapped my arms around it, the heaving in my chest so strong that suddenly I was wailing.

It didn't matter if anyone could hear me. It didn't even matter if Duncan had been right outside the door. I had spent the last five days kicking my own ass, mentally tearing myself down and finally I was in the arms of someone who loved me. Someone who never judged me. Someone who always had my back. Someone who would forever keep me safe. Someone I trusted completely…

Someone I loved.

I let him hold me while the tsunami rolled in, threatening to drown me and take me away but he did not allow it. He held me strong and true, keeping my head above water and protecting me from the ravenous seas. Even as I lost my footing and every ounce of strength left me he held on, moving to a chair and pulling me into his lap.

My limbs felt like those of a rag doll, limp and boneless, so he wiped the tears and damp hair out of my face as the shuddering subsided. One last gasp and I had the energy to look him in the eye.

I saw sadness and I saw love.

"Can you tell me?" he whispered. I swallowed and nodded, taking a deep breath.

"Garrett found something."