Hi All!
Still here, alive, well and trying to write.
Here's a short chapter to keep things alive, please feel free to review!
The morning had been one big flurry of activity. From my people taking my things from the estate to my coach to the Bann's people bringing her things from her coach into the estate, there was a lot of bumping into things and swearing going on. Duncan had been moved to the castle the night before so he was sorted, but I had waited until the last minute to prepare my departure, mostly to ensure there were as few people around as possible the night before for my last evening alone with Cailan.
He came to my room that night, sneaking in through the basement entry and up into my quarters. I was waiting, my heart pounding in my chest at the anticipation of what the night may bring.
I had no idea what to expect, whether he would want just a comforting evening of chatting and wine, or whether he would want to just hold me and enjoy the fact that I was still within his reach. Maybe he would want even more, was I prepared for that? That I didn't know either, but I did know that when I thought about it my skin grew warm.
When he entered my room I was standing in front of the window, looking out into the darkness. My mind had wandered to Haven, trying to grasp what my role would entail and how I would manage without him by my side. It was becoming clear to me how much I relied on him, more than I ever knew, and going away became all that more terrifying.
I grasped my arms as if bracing for a cold winter's wind when I heard the door close behind me. Turning, I saw his expression go from elation to concern as he crossed the room and took me in his arms. He just held me for a few moments, giving me the opportunity to take comfort in the scent and feel of him.
Kissing my forehead, he sighed and cradled my face in his hands, "Are you alright? You can still change your mind!" he insisted quietly.
I sputtered out a laugh, taking his hands in mine and moving them to my sides, "I most certainly cannot change my mind, love." His exaggerated disappointment was adorable as I took his face in my hands, placing a gentle kiss on his nose before smiling up at him. "I will be back before you know it."
Concern reappeared in his eyes, "Then what did I just walk in on?"
Staring into his eyes, I realized he'd seen the doubt I was feeling when I'd first turned to face him. Going over everything in my head that the Divine expected of me, I was coming to the conclusion that I may be unable to meet her expectations. With everything and everyone involved, how could she believe I was the one to accomplish something that had been unattainable since the last Inquisition? So many people at odds, so many situations stacked against the cause…
"Why me?" I whimpered, feeling the tears well up in my eyes as the anxiety climbed into my chest. Crushing my eyelids shut to ward them off, I shook my head in defiance. "Why not any number of other people who are influential and are capable of such a heavy task?" Hesitantly, I looked up at Cailan.
His face was the epitome of calm, quiet confidence and his eyes were clear, focused. At first I was confused but the longer I stared at him the more empowered I felt. With just that look he conveyed his faith, his trust and his confidence in me, straight to my heart.
He made me rethink my doubts, made me look back on everything I have done in my life since waking up in the Wilds and remember I was my one and only guide through all of that. All of my decisions, all of my actions were because of my conscience and my heart leading me in the right direction. He remained silent, as if waiting for me to either finish my point or come to some conclusion. I hate it when he does that.
I smirked, butting my head against his chin gently, "Yeah, yeah." I felt his lips on my crown and sighed, savoring the feeling that I knew would not be there soon enough. "Maker, I will miss you."
He lifted my chin as I looked up, my sapphire eyes meeting his royal ones, "If you need me I will be there. Do not hesitate, love, truly."
I smiled warmly, cradling his cheek in my palm, "I know you would." Shaking my head, I gave his ear lobe a tug. "Unfortunately you would have to sneak out in the dark of night and pray Eamon didn't have people waiting underneath your window. He would do that, you know."
The darkening of his eyes and his smirk sent a shot straight to my core, "Nothing will keep me from you." His voice was raspy, heavy and brokered no argument.
Closing the gap between us, his lips took mine with a depth and passion he hadn't shown before, pulling the air from my lungs. He combed his fingers into my hair, cradling the back of my head as his other hand found purchase on my hip, pulling me in closer. My hands found his side and bicep, clutching at his shirt and digging my nails into his skin.
His gasp just spurred me on, my fingers fumbling for his waist, pulling the cloth free from underneath his pants. His hand slipped from my hair, joining the other at the ties of my corset. Quickly I felt the offending piece of clothing loosen, then fall to my feet.
Cailan released me suddenly, pulling his shirt up over his head and tossing it aside as he kicked my corset away. His eyes found mine, heat and lust filling them as his chest heaved, attempting to catch his breath...
And then I heard a voice in the distance that sounded exactly like Alistair.
I froze. It was as if time had abruptly stopped in its tracks. I stared up at him like a terrified animal, almost revolted by my own actions as guilt swallowed me up. My breathing slowed as I regained my composure, watching as the movement of Cailan's chest slowed as well. I wondered if he'd heard it as well, but I knew better..
Letting out a sigh, he shook his head as he moved to pick up his shirt, "I… I'm sorry." Leaning over, he swiped the clothing off the floor and slipped it over his arms, hooking it around his neck. "I… I can't believe I am going to say this but…" He sat on the edge of my bed, dropping his head into his hands for a moment before looking back up at me. "I can't, Kora."
A knot formed in my throat. As I attempted to swallow it down I felt it drop into my gut and double in size.
I took a breath, "Alistair." It was more of a whisper than a spoken word but Cailan's eyes told me he was thinking the same thing. I felt the tears fill my eyes as the guilt spilled over. You bloody hypocrite, you promise to love someone forever and yet you move on to someone else because you're lonely? And his BROTHER? "I'm sorry Cailan, I know my actions said otherwise but-"
He stood abruptly, putting up a hand as he approached me, "Don't, this is my fault," his hand took one of mine as he brought it to his lips. "I am not a patient man, nor have I been known to be monogamous, however you make me want to do better so we will wait until we are married." Kissing my hand again, he released it with a warm smile. "I will endeavour to be a better man. For you."
And with that, he was gone.
As if frozen in the moment, I stared at the closed door on the other side of the room. Maker, did that just happen? Realizing my jaw was on the floor, I clamped it shut quickly and took a deep, cleansing breath. I began blinking to clear my head, feeling a bit foggy. I looked around the room and saw my corset lying haphazardly on the floor near the fireplace. I moved to scoop it up and sighed, running my fingers over the ribbings. My chest began to ache but I shook my head, not allowing doubt or guilt a place in my heart.
I lifted my chin in defiance, "No. I am not allowing this to interfere." Throwing the article into an open satchel, I nodded and took another look around the room, determined to continue on my path with all of my faculties intact.
Another nod and I was briskly walking toward one of my chifforobes, "Finish packing, right."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Everything was packed tightly into the carriage that would follow me to Haven, horses fed and watered were being strapped and saddled. I was dressed in my riding leathers, preparing my horse for the first leg of the trip.
The plan was to make it look like there were people in the carriage and that I was part of the escort, protecting some noble along the King's road. I thought it was silly, I had a reputation for my fighting ability and was relatively sure of myself but Cailan had insisted, for my safety. Begrudgingly I had agreed, but thinking back on the conversation I still felt it was excessive. After all, I was only an Arlessa.
Thinking about Cailan brought a warmth to my cheeks, which in turn frustrated the hell out of me. Maker's breath, he's not even here! Brushing the thoughts aside, I secured the scabbard of the last of my swords to the inside of the saddle and stepped back, checking that all was in place. I wanted to appear as a mercenary, so three swords clearly visible seemed a smart idea. With a nod, I turned to see Lyle approaching, which brought a smile to my face.
Nodding his head and crossing an arm over his chest, he smiled back, "We are all set, Your Grace. Ready to depart at your leisure."
I nodded, "Good, one last stop to say farewell to the King and my son then we will be on our way." I mounted the stallion and motioned to the rest of the retinue to follow me.
We made our way through the Denerim streets, packed with people busying themselves with their day as well as onlookers to see me off. Cailan had made sure everyone in Ferelden knew I was going to be one of Justinia's chief advisors, perhaps partially out of pride but mostly so he could brag, I'm sure. People were waving and shouting their well wishes as we made our way to the palace.
Cailan and Duncan were in the courtyard waiting when we arrived.
I dismounted and smiled, putting my arms out to hug my handsome son, "I will miss you so much."
A grumble escaped his lips as he squeezed me tight, "I still wish I was going with you."
Pulling back, I looked my now-young-man in the eye, "I am aware." Kissing his forehead, I released him and moved to kneel before my King, head bowed. "Your Majesty."
His hand extended to me, I took it and stood with a smile. He returned it, with warmth and sincerity, melting my insides thoroughly.
He kissed my knuckles and grinned, "Safe travels, and please give my best to Divine Justinia, as well as Leliana." Releasing my hand, he took a step back and put an arm around Duncan. "We will be here if you need us, Your Grace."
I smiled as I looked at the two of them, burning the image into my mind. The two most important people in the world to me, and I was leaving them behind. I wanted to cherish this, keep this memory close to my heart while I was gone.
"Thank you Your Majesty," I bowed and turned to mount my horse. Straightening my back, I gave them a gentle wave, "Take care of each other, I'll write soon." Spurring my steed, I directed him out of the courtyard, toward the main gate…
And away from those who held my heart in the palms of their hands.
