Author's Update: I know, it's been a while since I updated! Hope everyone (who is State side anyway) has a lovely holiday this weekend.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. Never have, never will. I simply play in their world.

Reviews! Reviews! Have you fallen too far down the rabbit hole or are you willing to go a little further?

"I never fully realized

what it meant to hurt

(to truly hurt)

until I wanted you

to such great extent,

only to have no other choice

but to convince myself

that I didn't."

-J.L

Kylo Ren

It wasn't suppose to be this way.

No, I'm just lying to myself. In truth I had forgotten about my other mission regarding Rey's allies.

I already had what I wanted and nothing else seemed to matter.

"Ben," I can't look at her but I can feel her trembling in my arms, hear the broken pleading in her voice, "what have you done?"

How many more times will we go through this?

"What I must to end the war."

I tighten my arm around her waist. I wish I could tell her how tired I am of fighting, of the endless bloodshed.

How the only peace I find now is here in her arms.

She shoves her elbow into my gut, the impact blunted by my cloak but it's enough to take me by surprise and loose my hold around her waist.

She is out of my arms between one breath and the next.

"No...No!"

I feel like I'm trapped in one of her nightmares again, the anguish of her screams a vice around my heart.

I never wanted this for us.

She stares at me in a mixture of horror and denial that I can't bear to see, not after the tenderness we just shared.

I reach for her, if only we can talk, I know I can fix this.

"Rey listen to me-"

She snatches her hand away as if touching me would burn her. I see the moisture gathering in her eyes and the look of betrayal is a dagger carving up my soul.

"No!"

To see her like this when barely an hour ago she let me hold her in my arms, felt the ardent taste of her desire as we kissed...

Something inside of me is breaking.

"Don't speak," fractal amber alight with rage that I flinch from her burning gaze, "Whatever you're about to say is just excuses and I don't want to hear them!"

She's slipping away from me. The more I try to hold onto her the more I seem to push her back against a wall.

She's shaking her head, trying to retreat and I am caught between what I'm suppose to do and what I want to do.

I'm suppose to be the monster, the weapon to end this war without caring how I do it so long as I remain standing.

But all I want is to the be the man that she can run to when she is afraid. To know that when she needs to fall apart, I will be there to catch her.

"I-" a sob catching in her voice and despite the rage in her eyes, all I hear is her shattered confusion at what my actions have caused, "what was all of this to you? A diversion to keep me complacent while you tracked my friends like animals!"

I don't know what is worse, seeing the tears that won't fall or hearing her accusations.

She was never a diversion, she has always been my main priority.

But I cannot argue that I didn't have her friends tracked so that they could be captured.

I take a step towards her and that simple action sets her off like a catalyst.

She turns and vaults over the steps, her landing graceful and fluid as she pivots as her hand snap out, catching the saber that we broke and then mended together.

My grandfather's saber coats the walls in hazy blue as she levels it at my throat, her stance aggressive and her muscles rigid.

I'm caught in my own nightmare now and it's not Rey I see baring her saber at me...but Luke Skywalker.

The same angry eyes staring down at me as if I were not a person...but a monster too dangerous to be left alive.

How quickly love turns to hate, leaving me to wonder if it was ever there to begin with.

"I'm leaving," clipped words spoken in a lilting voice that breaks the vision from my past, "my friends have come for me."

The same old tune she sings to me. Always about her friends and their cause. How righteous they are, how pure and noble their intentions.

As if they haven't spilled as much blood as we have in this war.

It was time to remind her that her friends are not what they seem.

"Are you certain they're here for you?" I choose my words carefully and watch the anger flicker into doubt, "I recall them leaving you in the desert to save their own skins."

After displaying the power that lives inside her they turned tail and ran rather than face the truth.

That she doesn't need them but they cannot win this war without her.

I take another step and watch the muscles around her jaw clench as fury sparks amber to vivid topaz.

"They didn't leave me!" scorching words that tell me I've come closer to the truth she's been trying to avoid, "I told them to run. I gave myself up so they could get away and complete the mission."

Such pretty lies. If her focus was on the mission and nothing else, she would never have come with me. She would have fought to the very end to make sure she wasn't captured.

"What mission would that be?" I have her attention right where I want it. On me. "To find the emperor's wayfinder? To lead the Resistance to Exegol?"

Shock banks the fury in her eyes as they flash from me to the table where the dagger lies.

"You...you've read the runes..."

She looks at me and I see the hunger for that knowledge I now possess etched into her eyes.

I had wondered why she came so willingly to my side and blinded myself into thinking that I was that reason.

That her feelings for me were real.

But in the end she only meant to use me and leave me regardless.

My fury at her manipulations brings cold clarity to my mind.

"You forget I am Sith Rey, of course I can read them." Her eyes widen and a bitter satisfaction washes through me when she takes a step back, wariness making her saber waiver for a fraction of a second. "But you knew that coming here."

Is that a flash of guilt I see in those guileless eyes? I think not. How she must have laughed to see me dance to her every whim.

"So tell me, who is deceiving who?"

I never wanted her for my enemy. I've been fooling myself this entire time thinking that she felt the same.

"I-"

A tremble in her voice, eyes that look at me with indecision and my heart clenches and I ruthlessly shove away that spark of tenderness she seems to evoke just by breathing.

She has bared her saber at me and perhaps it is time to show her why I am called the Jedi Killer.

I lift my hand, bending the Force to my will and shove my power at Rey.

She's quick to react but not enough to stop from being pushed back from the entrance and I use her distraction to clear the last of the stairs.

A hiss of breath as Rey regains her stance and I summon my saber, igniting the hilt as I pivot and face my opponent.

Red and blue clash against the white walls, painting hazy shadows that dance with our every movement.

She should just be another Jedi. Another enemy that I have to cut down in order to survive.

But all I see is her.

My Rey with her wild, reckless spirit that won't bow to anyone or anything.

I can still feel her within me, a gentle whispering that speaks to me of her compassion.

Even in my anger I have no wish to destroy her.

"I don't want to fight you Rey."

Our eyes meet and for a brief instant I understand that she doesn't want this either.

My soul clenches around that faint spark, something that feels like hope.

If she feels the same then perhaps...

"Then let me go."

Something inside me is tearing apart, creating a wound that I cannot see and yet I know it is fatal because this is what is must feel like to die.

"How many times are you going to run away from this Rey?"

How many more times will you leave me in ruin before you understand that I can never give you up.

Her eyes go out of focus and I sense something in the Force, a shadow of a presence reaching for her.

Not the emperor but familiar all the same.

It takes seconds to identify the intruder and rage is a pulsing hammer in my head.

The renegade Finn. The one who is Force-sensitive and searching for Rey.

Damn him. I should have known that he wouldn't stay away from her.

I move while she's distracted, shutting down my saber and lifting my palm to her face.

I see the disbelief crawling through her eyes when I pressure her mind into sleep.

I don't want to hurt her but I won't allow her to go back to her friends.

"B-Ben," she's fighting me, her mind trying to break my hold but I've had more time to hone my skills, "don't..."

I catch her in my arms just as her eyes close, my command taking over. Her saber falls from her listless grip and I send a flicker of power to shut it off before it hits the ground.

She is so light in my arms and I drop to my knees, holding her close to my chest. The rage inside of me is extinguished as I cradle her still form.

"Rey," I know she can't hear me but I can't stop myself, "forgive me. I never wanted this for us. If you could only understand that I'm so tired of killing..."

Gently I lay her on the ground, her sleeping face peaceful and serene but I sense that this will not last long.

Even now she's fighting my command.

I bow my head and lift her hand, pressing a kiss to her skin.

"Forgive me for what I must do next. It's time you learned the truth."

I leave her there lying on the floor of my room as I grab my cloak and pull my mask back into place.

It was time for Kylo Ren to once more step onto the battlefield.

"Vicrul to me."

I lock the door from the outside, keeping Rey in. I should have taken her saber but the foolish part of me that still carries a spark of tenderness will not allow her to be without a weapon.

Perhaps I will come to regret that decision but so be it.

"I am here Master."

"We have rats scurrying across the ship. Find them."

"Shall I eliminate the infestation?"

"Ben...what have you done?"

I clench my fist against her pleading voice and give a silent sigh.

"No. I want them captured for interrogation."

"As you command."

"Take a squadron and go now."

Vicrul snaps me a bow and is out of my sight within seconds.

He should have no issue finding Dameron and Chewbacca. They will make for the Falcon, of that I am certain.

Finn will come looking for Rey.

So I will go looking for him.

…..

His presence is fluid, slipping in and out of the Fore like a ghost. Force-sensitive he might be but obviously with no control.

That makes tracking him difficult but this is my ship and I know each and every corridor.

"Lord Ren we've caught Dameron and the Wookie trying to get to the Falcon but no sign of the renegade or the droids."

Vicrul cutting across my comm. Threepio, who holds the knowledge of the wayfinder might still be on the surface of Kijimi.

It's possible they managed to contact other Resistance allies who are hiding the droids.

"Don't concern yourself with the renegade. Take a TIE and regroup with Ap'lek. Search the city for the missing droids and tell the platoon commander to take the prisoners to Cell Block J."

"As you wish."

A whisper in the Force and I sense Finn's presence nearby.

My comm goes off seconds later.

"Supreme Leader, the renegade has been spotted near adjacent sixty-seven. In pursuit now."

He's closer to the detention cell than Rey and it's time to create an opportunity that will show Rey exactly the mettle of their friendship.

"FC-3328 create a path that will herd him towards the detention cells without alerting him."

"Yes Sir, understood."

That should allow him a glimpse of his friends.

It's time to bait my trap.

"Commander K'Tath clear the detention cell of all guards. The renegade will be arriving shortly and I want him to believe he's freeing his friends."

"Understood. Where do you want us?"

"Go to hanger seven and clear the remaining troops, reposition your squadrons down adjacent twenty-seven and thirty-two."

"Sir that will leave the Millennium Falcon unprotected."

"I know. Obey my orders Commander."

"Yes Supreme Leader."

It was time to see if Dameron wanted to play the hero or be the leader that my mother believes him to be.

In order to win some sacrifices were necessary.

A blaze of fire against my soul, a blast of fury beneath my skin, scorching my veins.

I clench my fist when I feel Rey wake up, her anger towards me undiminished.

She will forgive me once she see's the truth about the people she has placed her trust in.

I will show her that I am the only one who knows her and accepts her for who she is.

"Supreme Leader, the renegade has reached the detention cell. Your orders?"

It was time to set the stage.

"Let him free his friends. I want to see what they will do next. However that doesn't mean you should make it easy for them Commander."

"Understood."

The comm goes dead and with Rey awake it will only be a matter of time before she makes her escape. I need to-

"Sir I have-ah!"

The trooper I posted down my restricted corridor no longer transmitting and I heard the sound of blaster fire before it stopped. Finn is freeing Dameron and Chewbacca. If Threepio is hiding on the ship he would be too much of a coward to go after her by himself.

So who else is trying to get to her?

I move to the opposite wall and pull up the private feed. My personal quarters may have no audio and visual surveillance but that does not apply to the corridor.

The visual feed is nothing but static, the audio so badly distorted that it is almost impossible to tell who is speaking.

Almost.

I hear a few words but it is enough.

"General Hux you have disobeyed me for the last time."

He has no reason to be anywhere near my personal quarters and only an officer on the Council would have the ability to override the surveillance.

So Hux has come to free Rey but for what purpose? He has no hope of defeating her in close combat and she was already heading for Exegol...

A suspicion forms and I change feeds and patch into the detention cell block.

This, at least, has not been tampered with and I can hear Dameron and Finn speaking.

"...kind of force-field...let me see if I can..."

"Get a move on buddy, no telling when the guards or that masked creep will show up."

"Screw this. Chewie, Poe stand back!"

The sound of blaster fire and the scream of metal.

"Great! Just great! I'm sure they heard that all the way to the command center."

"Take this and stop complaining! We have to meet Rey at the Falcon."

"Finn...we've talked about this...you saw what she did in the desert..."

"Yeah I heard you Poe and I keep telling you, that wasn't Rey. Somehow Kylo Ren was manipulating her. You saw the way he caught that lightning in his bare hands. It was him. Not Rey. Just...give her a chance to explain and you'll see I'm right."

"...Fine. But it had better be a damn good explanation. Why isn't she with you? I thought you said you could find her."

"...ugh...Chewie this thing weighs a ton...Poe you're not going to believe this but I found the spy. The one who's been feeding us information on the First Order. It's Hux."

"Coast cleared, let's move! You're right I don't believe you."

"Believe it. He knows where Rey is and said he'll clear a path for her to get to the Falcon. We just have to get there first."

"Fine, lead the way buddy. I can't wait to see the old girl again!"

"I don't think Rey would like you calling her 'old'."

"...yeah, can't wait to see Rey too."

I cut the feed, I've heard all that I need to.

My comm goes off minutes later.

"Supreme Leader, the Resistance have made it to Millennium Falcon! They have blown the hanger doors but have not attempted to escape."

So Finn has convinced Poe to wait for Rey. That will not do.

"Take two squadrons and go after them."

That should be enough to force their hands.

"Supreme Leader, General Hux reports seeing the scavenger trying to escape. Sending additional troops to the eastern hanger to detain the prisoner."

"Dismiss that order Commander. Go and take Hux into custody, you will find him near hanger seven."

"Yes Sir."

It was time to make and end of this once and for all.

K'Tath is waiting for me with Hux who is bleeding from the temple, a circular bruise already in shades of purple and black.

"Supreme Leader, I demand to know why I've been taken into custody when I gave specific orders to-"

His prattling is like kindling to my temper and I snap my hand in front of his face, his words silenced as I delve into his mind.

Images and emotions flowing into me, the hatred of this man like acid in my veins.

"...dares to take over..."

"We'll see who deserves to be the master and who the servant!"

...standing before a mirror, the swelling of a bruise across his eyes barely healed and his mouth split open...

"Pathetic to see how they fawn all over him...let us see how well he fairs when he loses this war..."

...the data cube slipped silently into his hand as he seethes with frustration as he watches Allegiant General Pryde, a position that should have been his years ago, issue orders to the rest of the generals...

...the overseer leaving his office over a dispute and he slides the encrypted information into the datapad regarding Exegol and the plans for the First Order...

"If I cannot be leader then neither shall he!"

...A touch of madness in his eyes as he stares at his reflection in the mirror...

"The scavenger you seek is on the Steadfast...the Knights of Ren know your location...meet at these coordinates...docking bay will cleared to reclaim your ship..."

"You!" The shocked face of the renegade Finn as he lowers the blaster he held on him moments ago...

…overriding the main interface to scramble the visual and audio feed to Ren's private wing...

...startling amber staring up at him after he bypasses the security lock...

"...one goal now...to hurt Kylo Ren..."

… "You. You are his one weakness. Every time you run from him, every time you escape him I get the satisfaction of watching him die a little more..."

...vicious pleasure grabbing hold when he see's the agony in her eyes...Ren is obsessed with this woman and hurting her can only hurt him more...

"...two minutes to get to hanger seven..."

Again she looks at him as if his actions are that of a madman and perhaps they are...but if he is to burn then so shall everyone else...

...blinding pain as the skin breaks and hot blood soaks into the skin...the sensation of falling...

Choking noises from Hux as I rip through the last of his recent memories and lower my hand from his face.

Blood shot eyes full of seething hatred stare back at me.

"Commander K'Tath, General Hux is a traitor to the First Order."

K'Tath doesn't hesitate to raise his blaster against the man who was his former superior.

"Orders Supreme Leader?"

I may be tired of seeing blood spilled but in this I have no such hesitation.

"He is nothing more than a rabid animal now. Execute him."

I watch as Hux takes a step back, terror spilling into his eyes as he searches for a way to escape.

"I demand a formal hearing! I am-"

The bolt of plasma fire rips through Hux and drops him like a child's puppet whose strings have just been cut.

I waste no more time on a dead body as K'Tath and the others follow behind me.

The hanger is not far off now and I can feel her churning emotions beneath my skin.

Confusion and anger that is a living heat in my blood, a flicker of doubt that casts a chill amid the flames.

She stands there, snow and ice swirling around her, the saber a sharp light in the shadows of the empty hanger.

The wind catches the edges of her sash, pulling tendrils of her hair free.

Before her is the dark void of the night sky, the lightsaber her only illumination.

She looks like an illusion, something so beautiful that it cannot possibly be real.

"I tried to tell you Rey. They didn't come for you."

She turns at the sound of my voice and in those few unguarded seconds I see the haunted eyes of the child she had once been.

Who didn't understand why she had to be the one who was left behind.

...my mother touching my face, tears in her eyes as my father looks down at me with a shake of his head...

"Come one Leia...this isn't helping Ben. We have to go."

I want to cling to her hand...to ask my father why he's abandoning me...to know what I did wrong to make them leave me...

I shake loose the memories and understand all too well what she feels.

To be cast aside.

To be alone.