A/N- Hope everyone is enjoying the story so far. Let's see how far down the rabbit hole you're willing to go...
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. Never have, never will. I simply play in their world.
Reviews! Too far down the rabbit hole? Not far enough?
"I see her carry the weight
of life all alone.
Even the burden of those
she once loved.
I am not asking her for much
but to allow me to help
her carry it all."
-Pierre Jeanty
Kylo Ren
Time has no meaning, no consequence for me.
There is only us.
The universe halted for this one moment and I am only aware of her. Every minute detail is etched into memory.
Starlight dancing in the fall of her hair, tumbling free of the confines she keeps it tamed back in.
Flickering amber, the cast of dark lashes upon her skin. Lips parted, the slow cadence of her breathing as it matches mine.
Her fingers curled around my wrists. The press of warm, silken skin next to my own.
Her stillness absolute, she waits in perfect silence for my next move.
To make good on the promise of answers she seeks.
The weight of her regard forces a confession out of me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her but I cannot lie.
Not to her. Not about this.
My throat so dry I cannot swallow and a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"I have never attempted anything like this before."
Her eyes reflect nothing but distant starlight, her thoughts veiled to me. Or perhaps my own agitation is blocking the Bond.
I tell myself to breathe while suspended in a state of unknowing of what she will do next. Now that she is aware of my...limitations...she has every right to turn away.
To refuse my help altogether.
Her nails dig into the leather guard around my wrists, scoring it as she tightens her hold even as her eyes soften imperceptibly.
"That makes two of us."
I hear traces of rueful laughter and it catches me off-guard.
The corner of her lips turn upward, a hint of playfulness that is so much a part of who she is, a bright spark of light that no amount of darkness can quell.
"Ben," my name a sweet caress upon her lips that makes my pulse jump, "I don't expect you to have all the answers every time I ask a question."
Fond exasperation. I can hear it in her words, see it lighten her eyes and tug at her lips.
I...she doesn't expect perfection out of me. The fact that I'm trying so damn hard seems to amuse her more than anything else.
Once again she has caught me off-balance, scrambling to find a foothold.
"You're not omniscient, even if you like to pretend you are."
She lifts a slender eyebrow in my direction as if daring me to contradict her.
I never claimed god-like powers though my penchant for showing off around her seems to have worked against me this time.
Such a neat little trap she sprung on me and I walked right into it.
The awful tension coiling inside dissipates in the wake of her teasing smile and I have to laugh at myself for it.
Perhaps I am overthinking all of this.
I watch that teasing smile soften into one of tenderness and my heart clenches at the sight.
I don't know what I did to receive such a gift from her but I am selfish enough to take whatever she offers me without hesitation.
"We'll do this like you said," her smile flickers at my obvious confusion, "together."
Of course.
But I wonder just how much she understands what is about to happen. I may have no experience in retrieving memories, especially those that have purposefully been repressed, but I know the basic theory.
There were mind-healers among the Jedi, before their downfall, who could heal psychic trauma. Take the pain of the victims and transmute it so that it was no longer a scar on their soul.
I am no mind-healer. I am not a healer of any kind. I have always been a weapon of destruction but for Rey I will try anything, do anything, to lessen her burden.
To ease the pain that she carries inside of her.
"Do you trust me Rey?"
I take nothing of her for granted. She trusted me long ago but so much has happened between us that I no longer know where I stand in that regard.
It is a bitter pill to swallow to wonder if she still believes I am worth trusting anymore.
But what I must do...without her trust it will feel like a violation and I cannot...I will not do that to her.
Not again.
Heavy silence in the air as she weighs her answer and I prepare myself mentally for her rejection.
After all what I am asking is no trifle, no simple thing to-
"I trust you Ben."
The quiet force of her answer shuts down all of my thoughts and for a moment all I can do is feel.
Relief so vast it sweeps me away, a painful tide in my blood, in my bones.
I didn't realize until now how much I needed to hear her say those words.
Tenderness brushing along my mind, a feathered caress that whispers of love.
Her eyes widen as joy sparks like a wildfire from that single contact.
"B-mmph!"
I don't let her speak, needing to taste her love, her acceptance.
Her mouth yielding sweetly to mine, she tastes of laughter and sunlight and everything I adore.
She trembles at my touch, a ragged sigh as she breathes into me, her body straining to move closer but our hands are locked around each other, unable to go further than this.
I lift my mouth and stare down into dilated eyes, unguarded and utterly vulnerable to me.
I see the woman I made love to so long ago, who trusted me not to hurt her.
"Rey."
She blinks slowly at me, still caught in the heat of pleasure and I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I adore her but this window of vulnerability will not last long and I must act now.
"Remember what you just said."
I gather the Force around me, into me and I need no crude gestures to channel my will. I stare into swirling amber and send my command straight into her unguarded mind.
Sleep. Sleep and dream of the past.
Sleep my love.
I watch the light leave her eyes as my command takes hold and catch her before she call fall.
Gently I lie her down on her side and mirror the pose, facing her. I take her limp hands in mine, entwining our fingers.
I have no idea what is about to happen next but I feel the whisper of her thoughts, a single gray thread that I follow as my body shuts down and I give myself up to the Force...
...fractal light, a rush of noise and sound that beats at me with heavy wings...fire licking at my skin, a fierce heat that threatens to burn me alive before I tumble away...
...I wake to frigid darkness...
A chill that crystallizes in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. To think.
To remember my purpose, of why I am I here...
Lilting laughter, pure as only a child can sound shattering the darkness.
Young it may be but I know that laughter, I have heard its adult form in my dreams more times that I care to count.
Rey.
Her name like a talisman to my heart and the chill that coats my lungs melts away, leaving my senses clear.
I follow the thread of that laughter, walking through the darkness and glimpse small snippets of memory along the way.
"...daddy! Look...look!"
I stop, fascinated when I see a tiny Rey with her hair in pigtails squealing with laughter as she floats pebbles in the air just barely an inch off the ground.
She must be no more than four, perhaps five and already able to sense the Force. I swallow hard as I remember the vision I had of our own daughter when I snatched the beads of Pasaana from her neck.
Seeing Rey as a child, our daughter would be a miniature copy of her.
My heart feels bruised and I can't shake this feeling of dread that accompanies it.
The memory of this child Rey is soon joined by a man with gold-ringed eyes who looks at her with horror.
"No Rey! Stop!"
I watch delight turn to fear on her small face as the pebbles drop abruptly to the ground and the snippet vanishes into the darkness...
"Rey!"
Lilting laughter teasing my ears as darkness enfolds me and I run after that haunting sound.
How long I wandered the corridors of her mind I don't know. Hours or days, perhaps even years but with no end in sight.
"Rey!"
"Yes?"
I stop abruptly when from the darkness appears the child Rey I saw earlier. Her hair in pigtails, curling gently at the ends with blue ribbons trailing down each side. A short-sleeved tunic of pale blue and white leggings with simple beaded slippers adorn the child. Eyes of hammered gold look up at me with far too much maturity for a child her age.
She cocks her head to the side.
"You should not be here."
Her voice has a duel resonance that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end in warning.
"You are not Rey."
A flash of a smile, needle-sharp teeth showing through.
"I am...and I am not." The smile fades and eyes turn pitch black, "Go away."
I grit my teeth as concentrated pressure forces me to my knee's, beads of sweat rolling down my spine as I fight it.
"No...I will not leave..."
"Why? You don't belong here."
This...apparition...has to be the mental image of Rey's repressed memories, guarding her secrets.
I can think of no other alternative.
"Rey is...no longer a child...she wants to remember..."
I can barely get the words out as I slam the palm of my hands into the black void, refusing to bow to the demands and leave.
"So you would cause her pain? What you seek is not yours to give."
It is all I can do just to breathe before her unrelenting power but I find the strength to answer.
"She...asked...for my help...I will not leave...until I have answers..."
Lifting my head is like having hundred pound weights around my neck and blood drips from my lip as I bite down against the pain.
Black eyes widen and rings of gold appear yet again.
"Who...are you?"
"Kylo Ren."
She shakes her head at me and steps closer, we are nearly eye-level now.
"Liar. Tell me your real name. The one you only let her speak."
I sense a trap but I can see no other way out of it.
"Ben...Solo."
I gasp when the pressure bowing my back lifts and I take in a shuddering breath, sitting up and rubbing my neck to relieve the ache.
The child Rey has tears rolling down her face, amber eyes staring up at me with a pain that makes the physical aches of my body inconsequential.
"I was looking for you...why didn't you come for me? Why did you leave me all alone?"
"I," words escape me and I open my arms to this hurt, terrified little girl, "I'm sorry."
Her tiny form trembling she rushes into my arms and I hold her close.
"I'm sorry sweetheart. I'm here now."
"Promise?" she whispers, "promise not to leave again?"
I shudder and rock her back and forth, I would promise her the stars and moons itself if I never have to hear the despair carving bloody gouges in my soul.
"I promise. I will never leave you Rey."
I'm holding nothing but empty air and the child Rey is standing away from me.
Amber ringed with gold stare up at me with grave authority.
"Remember, you promised."
Somehow I doubt I am likely to ever forget but I nod my head all the same.
Again she flashes that smile with needle-sharp teeth showing through.
"Find the answers you seek but remember the truth is not always something to be wished for."
I'm on my feet but she has already vanished, leaving nothing behind but the faint sound of lilting laughter that no longer sounds so pure, so innocent.
A touch of sinister glee that disturbs me thought I can't explain why.
I don't know how much time has passed but a sense of urgency spurs me on as I race through the darkness of Rey's mind, searching for the beginning of her nightmares, that point in time where her cycle of pain started.
Nothing but cloying darkness and frustration claws at me as impatience sets fire to my blood, a pounding in my head.
I have to stop and force myself to think. My anger, my impatience will do nothing but slow me down.
I need to be calm or I will fail.
I slow my pulse, clear my head and allow the Force to fill me. To guide me.
I sense Rey nearby and automatically move towards her presence.
A memory emerges that halts me in my tracks.
A woman with hair like sunset, traces of russet and gold in the woven braid as she hums a lullaby.
I know that song, my own mother used to sing it to me when I was child plagued by nightmares.
In her arms I see the child Rey with a wookie doll clutched in small hands, tears still marking her face.
"Amirah we have to go."
The man from earlier, the one with the golden eyes appears and I cannot help the snarl of displeasure that leaves my throat.
He is the reason for the tears on Rey's face.
Yet the more I stare at this man...I see despair gathering as he stares at mother and child.
As if somehow he was saying...goodbye.
The woman lifts her head, the gentle humming ceasing and eyes opening.
Not the amber that I know so well but a lovely bronze that has the same fire, the same blaze of light as my Rey.
"Drystan...are we really going to do this? Is there nothing else, no other option?"
I clench my fist to hear the terrible grief in her voice. It's the same with her as it is for him.
As if she is somehow saying goodbye without actually speaking the words.
I watch the man move closer and I am shocked to see open love he has for her...and for the little girl now asleep in her mother's arms.
But it's a love shadowed in heartbreak.
"We have no choice." He lifts his hand to touch the child and I watch it fall away, clenched in a fury I have felt too often myself, "If he finds her what she will suffer at his hands is far worse than anything you could imagine."
The woman, Amirah, shakes her head and holds the child Rey closer to her body as if she would protect her from any danger that threatens.
"But she's our daughter..."
I close my eyes at her grief-stricken words and wonder how this man Drystan could stand to hear such pain from the woman who is obviously his wife.
"That is precisely why we have to do this." I snap my eyes open at his harsh rejoinder and quickly see the regret when the woman takes a step back, "I'm sorry...I never wanted any of this for us...for you..."
The memory shimmers, the image of Drystan holding his hand up to Amirah halted in time as another presence overrides everything else.
I turn to see Rey emerging from the darkness and she throws up her hands as if blinded, crying and stumbling.
"Easy Rey. I have you."
I grab onto her quickly, relieved she she doesn't fight me but grasps my hand with fingers of ice.
She looks up at me with sightless eyes, amber filmed over in a haze of black.
Lilting laughter with a sinister edge inside my mind as I stare down at Rey in horror.
What have I done to her in this place?
"Ben."
She sighs my name, love and ardent relief evident and that disturbing laughter ceases and the film across her eyes is gone seconds later.
She turns her head before I can speak and stares at the image of her parents that somehow, miraculously, did not disappear.
"Who..."
I hear the note of longing, a trembling of fear as she continues to stare at the couple with a singular look that is almost obsessive.
How much of their conversation, if any of it, had she heard? I don't know but I will not leave her ignorant of who they are any longer.
"Your parents."
I watch the silent tears slide down her face, one after the other and something inside me is breaking to see her in such pain.
"My mother...she was called Amirah."
She speaks as if in a trance and the question I had earlier if she had heard any of their conversation is now answered.
"This is my father...Drystan."
The catch in her voice is my only warning before she buries her face in my chest, wracking sobs that break my heart when I can do nothing to stop them.
I hold her to me, stroking her hair and shift my balance to take her weight, letting her cry out her sorrow.
Her fingers dig into my back as if she were afraid of losing me as well.
I wish I could offer her words of comfort but I know of nothing that can ease her pain and I can only stand here in silence.
A soft hiccup and she lifts her head, the flow of tears now stemmed. Her eyes are bruised, haunted but with a singular clarity that defies her grief.
She is always so much stronger that she gives herself credit for.
That doesn't mean I can't stand to see her cry and I quickly wipe away the remnants of her pain off her face.
"Ready?"
If I could I would halt all of this, save her the grief of knowing but that is not my choice to make.
She nods her head and quickly turns in my arms and I wonder if I imagined the glimpse of fear just now.
"What is this."
She jerks her head towards the image in stasis.
"A fragment of a memory I was able to tease loose."
With a little bit of help but I hold my silence regarding that...apparition.
I am not yet certain what that was all about.
"Where are we?"
She sounds confused as if she is having trouble remembering what happened.
I was expecting this, it is a minor side effect of that particular Force trick.
"In your subconscious. Deep within in your sleeping mind where you are the most vulnerable."
She startles in my arms and quickly looks up at me, eyes bright with suspicion.
"How by the Force did you manage that trick?"
Her choice of words is almost redundant and she snaps her mouth shut abruptly, suspicion quickly shifting into concentration.
A sharp nod of her head and she's figured it out as I knew she would.
"So now what?"
A bite of laughter inside my mind and I jerk at the sound but Rey's concentration is back on her parents and she doesn't notice.
She's not going to notice anything with them standing there. I sigh and realize that if we're to move forward I'm going to have to be the one to push.
I drop my arm from around her waist and though I know it was going to happen I feel the sting of disappointment when she leaves my side and reaches for those phantom images.
"Now we learn the truth behind your nightmares."
Her hands clench but not before I see her shiver, whether in anger or fright I cannot determine.
"How?"
Her tone is flat, neither angry nor curious and I sense that she keeping her emotions tightly repressed.
It's that repression that keeps her from learning the truth and I move next to her, placing my hand on her shoulder.
Her tight control shatters at my touch and the image dissipates as I thought it might and Rey cries out, her body jerking as if she would run back to them.
I tighten my grip on her shoulder, an electric current runs up my arm and I stifle the gasp of pain it produces.
The world shift as does my vision and I close my eyes to the disorientation.
"He's found us. I'm sorry Amirah but we can't outrun him any longer. The ship's taken too much damage."
I drag my eyes open as Rey stiffens beneath me. Our surrounding have changed, we're inside a ship now and I can hear her father speaking from a distance.
The mother, Amirah, rushes past us to pick up her child and a chill crosses my soul.
There in the shadow of the hold is the other child-Rey with her strange eyes of pitch black and hammered gold.
The scene pauses and Rey is motionless, frozen in time.
"She can't see me, she can't hear me." She cocks her head and moves across the ship to stare up at me and I swallow hard.
I alone, it seems, can interact with her.
"What...what are you?"
A menacing smile at odds with her child countenance.
"Don't you know me Ben Solo? You are quick to call upon me in your anger," she licks her lips, "in your hate."
I blink and the shock of what this...thing...is...leaves me reeling.
"You are the dark side of the Force, the power that sleeps inside Rey."
Needle-sharp teeth flash brightly.
"Clever. Yes, I am that which she refuses to acknowledge."
"Why are you here? What do you want?"
The smile drops and she stares up at me with grave, angry eyes.
"Watch and learn Ben Solo. Watch and learn and you will understand why I am here."
"Wait-!"
I grab for the child but grasp only air as the memory comes back to vivid life.
The ship shudders as if hit by something, the vibrations humming in my bones.
The child Rey cries out in her mother's arms at the explosion.
"Quiet Rey, you have to be strong now."
A strangled sound, caught between a shout and a sob from Rey and I realize why.
This...this is the beginning of her nightmare. The one she relives over and over again.
"Amirah! You have to calm Rey down! I can feel her power!"
Rey, who had been reaching for her mother, shudders and tumbles back nearly losing her footing.
I reach for her, catching her before she can fall and she stares up at me with haunted eyes full of terrible pain.
"I-I don't remember this."
No she wouldn't. Her nightmare...this is her true memory, the one that she's forgotten.
Grimly I recall the warning of the Dark Force apparition.
"Wait and listen."
Whether I'm telling her or reminding myself matters little at this point. Whatever is about to play out cannot be stopped.
Its already happened.
"Shh Rey, look up at me. Everything is going to be alright. You need to calm down."
Rey jerks out of my arms at the sound of her mother's voice and I am uneasy with the fear that is all too evident when she speaks.
"Drystan! Her eyes..."
I snap my head to the child and the light dances in the hold but I was able to glimpse her face.
Amber ringed in gold.
The ship rocks with violent force and I hear her father swearing in the cockpit.
Rey is gasping, nearly stumbling to her knees and I just barely manage to catch her again before she hits the floor.
She isn't looking at me, her eyes fixated on the memory playing out before our eyes.
Drystan bursts into the cargo hold and takes the child-Rey from her mother.
"Rey! Rey...look at me darling. Look at daddy."
The child doesn't respond and Rey slips from my grasp, landing hard on her knees as mocking laughter fills the air and the Dark child-Rey appears yet again.
"I tried to help her, to make her strong," the duel resonance is back and a shiver of warning raises the hairs on my arms beneath my armor, "but he," she narrows cruel eyes at the father, "didn't like that. He thought to keep her from me."
"Amirah! He's found her. My father...Palpatine has found her!"
I hear Rey wheezing, gasping as if something is squeezing the air out of her lungs and I stare at the dark power in front of me.
"You...you lied to me. You are not just Rey's power are you."
A shrug of tiny shoulders but eyes cold as death itself stare back.
"I am her...and I am not."
"It can't be...it can't be..."
I hear the despair in Rey, the absolute refusal to believe the words her father has spoken.
The truth she could not bear to remember.
I turn away from the dark-child Rey and focus my attention back on the real Rey.
I grab her around the waist and get her back on her feet but she stares ahead like a sleepwalker and I wonder if she is aware of me at all.
The ship lurches violently and we are slammed against the wall, the cut of metal across my back a harsh sting that widens my eyes.
Cruel, mocking laughter in my ears.
"I warned you not to go looking for some truths. Dangerous to meddle with the memories of others."
I stare at the dark-child Rey and refuse to heed her words any longer.
The memory has moved on in my inattention and I just barely catch hold of the thread of conversation now taking place.
"...if only you didn't have the blood of a Palpatine...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. All of this is because of me. "
Rey is shaking in my arms, her nails biting into me as if trying to escape and her eyes have a wild, crazed look in them.
"Rey listen to me! Just because you have the blood of a Palpatine doesn't mean you share his fate."
She cannot hear me, like so many times before, she is caught in the nightmare unable to escape.
"I won't let him find you Rey. I won't let him perform that ritual on you..."
I stare in growing apprehension at her father's words.
What ritual is he talking about? In all of my dealing with Palpatine regarding Rey there was never any talk of rituals.
There were secrets here that not even I understood.
He grabs the sides of her head and I am shocked to feel the pulse of the Force gather around his hands and the child begins to scream.
Rey is pushing hard against me now. A choked, animalistic noise that barely sounds human.
"This is for your own good...so you must forget. Forget all that you are. All that you know...forget..."
"He tried to make her forget me," the dark-child Rey is next the screaming Rey and I stare in horror of what is happening, "to make her forget the Force. But I am a part of her and I will never go away."
She looks up at me with black, glittering eyes full of hatred.
"You won't let her forget me will you Ben Solo?"
She vanishes just as the child-Rey slumps into unconsciousness and I come back to myself.
Rey is hyperventilating in my arms, unable to comprehend what she is witnessing.
"Rey! Rey!"
She doesn't respond and at this rate...I will lose her.
I let go of her waist so I can grab her wrists and forcefully turn her away from her father who is whispering promises that he will never be able to fulfill.
She stares up at me and there is nothing at all of the woman I love in those blank eyes.
"Rey." again I call out her name, fear cracking through my voice when she doesn't respond, "Come back to me. Rey!"
I have no choice but abandon this plan. To bring her back to consciousness. I seize a hold of her spirit, dragging her mind back to the waking world and I hear a terrible scream inside my head as the world shifts and dissolves and icy fingers touch my cheek.
"You won't let her forget me will you Ben Solo?"
That sinister voice is the last thing I remember before the world turns black and I tumble us both back into the void...
