Author's Note: Don't know if anyone reads these notes...blah...blah...on with the story...cheers!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. Never have, never will. I simply play in their world.
Reviews: Yeah, you know what to do. No reminders from me :)
"They say
'follow your heart'
but if your heart is
in a million pieces
which pieces do you follow?"
-Unknown
Rey
Rey...
A whisper of a name...should I know it?
Rey...open your eyes...
Desperate, pleading words that tug at my heart, an ache of longing that has no place here.
The voice fades and so too does my perception.
I am weightless, floating between the void where I feel nothing.
Where I am nothing.
Just quiet darkness and I don't have to think. Don't have to feel. Don't have to remember.
Rey...please...come back to me...REY!
A kiss of lightning screaming through that name.
Voracious heat pulling me from the comforting arms of numbing darkness and dragging me out of the void.
I can feel the heavy weight of a body, the need to breathe. Fire licking beneath the surface, a searing pain as blood pumps through the veins, chasing away the chill of death.
A memory sparking...the cruel reality that awaits me if I go back...
I'm fighting it, I don't want to go back...no...please...stop...
"Stop!"
I thrust my hand out, snapping my eyes open as the sound of something being slammed against a hard surface assaults my ears.
My vision doubles, stomach cramping as my throat burns but the sensations pass within seconds.
A dull ringing in my head as I sit up trying to remember what happened to me.
The room I'm in has little light, just the starscape in the distance and a fallen figure by the far wall that is oddly familiar...
"Oh gods...Ben!"
I stagger to my feet as black spots dance in my eyes and ignore the strange weakness in my muscles. None of that matters except getting to Ben.
"Ben...Ben...what happened to you?"
I drop to my knees and pull his head into my lap, my hands shaking to do even this much. I stare at the blood on his temple, in his hair.
How...how had he gotten hurt?"
"Ben," I use the edge of my tunic to stem the flow of blood, "open your eyes. Come on...open your eyes."
Tears blur my vision and angrily I push them back, now is not the time to lose control.
I can't afford to be weak.
I run fingers lightly through his hair and feel a raised lump on the back of his head.
A groan from him and I let out a trembling breath, relief turning my bones to water.
Whatever happened must have only stunned him. I thought...he was lying so still...
"Ben. Look at me, please."
Another pained sound but then I'm staring down into the shattered darkness of his eyes.
"R-Rey..."
He whispers my name like his most heartfelt prayer has been answered.
His hand cupping my face and despite myself I feel the tears slip free. Why am I constantly weeping around this man?
I cover his hand and press a kiss into his palm.
"Don't...don't you ever scare me like that again."
When he was lying so still...not reacting to me...I thought my heart had turned to ice.
His mouth opens, whether to tell me off or apologize, I don't know and I don't care. I lean down and press my lips to his, the heat of his mouth telling me unequivocally that he's alive.
His fingers gripping my hair, holding me against him as his tongue touches mine and I whimper as sparks dance behind my eyes.
The dissonance in my mind fades like a forgotten dream as our kiss deepens.
He groans into my mouth, a sound of sweet surrender that I drown in.
I want more and my fingers tangle in his hair. He flinches and I snap my head up, reality making fools of this short-lived fantasy.
He's injured and here I am kissing him like I want to crawl inside his skin.
"We...you're hurt! How..."
A bite of laughter that holds the echo of pain.
"A reminder to keep my distance," he winces as he touches fingers to his temple, "when I try to wake you up next time."
I blink, his words making no sense...
"Stop!"
The sound of something being slammed against a hard surface..
"I...I did this to you..."
I jerk my hands away from his head, closing my eyes as shame burns across my skin.
"Rey. I'm fine."
Calloused fingers touching my cheek and I would have pulled away except I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have.
"Open your eyes and look at me."
Reluctantly I do ask he asks and feel more wretched when I see that arrogant tilt of his lips.
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
I push his hand away from my face but he tangles his fingers with mine and I am forced to keep my hand on his chest.
I can feel the steady beating of his heart.
"Don't pretend that you're not in pain! I hurt you..."
A sigh but he doesn't try to sit up seemingly content to keep his head in my lap.
"It was an accident sweetheart. I've taken far worse beatings than a simple knock to my head."
I shake my head at his conciliatory words.
That doesn't make me feel any better.
"I...it doesn't excuse what I did. I should be more in control of myself-"
"So make it up to me."
He cuts through my self-recrimination that leaves me floundering.
"I-what?"
He lifts a raven-winged eyebrow at me, a gleam in obsidian that wasn't there before.
"If you feel that bad about it then make it up to me."
He sounds far too complacent regarding the fact that he's hurt because of me.
"How?"
I can't help but be suspicious. I know him. He's up to something and I can't figure out what it is.
He lifts my hand from his chest and I wonder if he's changed his mind about sitting up but the feel of his lips against my wrist scatters all of my preconceived notions.
"B-Ben..."
I gasp his name as he nips at my wrist, a frisson of heat that pools low in my body.
"Hmmm?"
The warmth of his mouth on my skin, the gentle nip of teeth...another wash of heat that has nothing to do with shame.
"I-B-Ben!"
He sliding his lips to my palm and my vision turns red and I shudder with pleasure.
"Is...this what you meant," a whimper escapes before I can stop it when he nips at my palm, "by making it up to you!"
His dark laughter a caress of silk across my senses and I want to give into his madness, to indulge his desire.
But I curl my fingers halting his path.
"Rey?"
I shake my head, trying to clear my hazy thoughts.
"I...I think that's enough."
A sigh and he drops my hand back to his chest.
"Well that was...disappointing."
I glare down at him when I can finally see straight.
"That's not what I thought you meant when you said I should make it up to you!"
"Oh? What did you think I meant?"
"I...I don't know! Maybe to heal you or...something..."
Of course I can heal him. Why didn't I think of this before?
I stare down at Ben and can only smack myself silently on the head.
Because I let him distract me that's why.
With his eyes and his mouth and...again that flush of delicious heat beneath my skin.
"Don't move," I growl as I pull my hands free, "just...stay still."
"Oh? Why sho-"
I cover his mouth with my hand before he can say anything more.
"You. Be quiet and let me concentrate."
"Mhmpmm."
His lips moving beneath my palm but the sound is garbled.
"No I'm not going to lift my hand until you promise to be quiet and stay still."
A flash of dark fire in his gaze before he gives a slight nod and closes his eyes.
Finally.
Slowly I release my hand, hovering to see if he's actually going to listen or if I'm going to have to make him stop talking again but he remains complacent.
His hands folded across his chest and his eyes closed, except for the blood dried on his temple, he looks as though he could be asleep.
My heart clenches at this peaceful sight. If only...
I love you Ben.
I shape the words silently as I place my hands gently around his head.
The Force flows around me, in me and I direct the benign energy to the wound at his temple and the back of his head.
A sharp breath, tension that holds him rigid before I hear a soft sigh of relief and feel him relax against me.
Good that should take care of his...
Sinister laughter in my head.
You won't let her forget me will you Ben Solo?
I rip my hands away and that disturbing child-like voice disappears.
Ben snaps his eyes open and the horror I must have felt lingering because he's out of my lap with a quiet, intense look in his dark eyes.
"What is it Rey? Talk to me."
The note of playfulness is gone and all thoughts of pleasure with it.
"I," I'm staring at my hands, "I was healing your wounds and I heard a voice...a child's voice...but it couldn't be..."
"What did the voice say? Rey."
He snaps his fingers in front of my face, the harsh sound breaking through the dissonance once again wrapping around my mind.
"Tell me what you heard."
I can't look away from him and I swallow hard.
"It...it said 'you won't let her forger me will you Ben Solo' but it sounded like...me...when I was younger but it wasn't me..."
I search his face, desperate for him to tell me that I'm wrong.
He sighs and sits back on his heels, running a hand through his hair. His eyes are troubled and his mouth compressed in a tight line.
"Rey how much do you remember?"
"I-"
...he's found her! My father...Palpatine has found her...
...all my fault...if only you didn't have the blood of a Palpatine...
...mommy and daddy love you...forget everything...
"No! No! It's not true!"
I'm on my feet as the memories flood back and no matter how much I scream my denial, they won't stop.
"Rey!"
Fingers shackling my wrist, I look down to see Ben's hand holding me in place before I can take more than a couple of steps.
I look up and read the resignation in his eyes. Not the shock I was expecting. I yank my hand free when I realize the truth.
"You...you already knew didn't you?" I back up and hold my arms close to my body and when he doesn't answer me my temper ignites, "How long have you known? Tell me!"
His face a carved mask, his emotions tempered behind his eyes.
"Since my return from Exegol. After I met with Palpatine."
He speaks calmly, almost gently and it still feels like a knife being twisted into my heart. I turn my back on him so he can't see my pain.
How could he do this to me? After everything I've been through...
"You...you kept this a secret from me. This entire time you knew..."
"Would you have believed me if I told you the truth about where you came from?
Harsh, clipped words that stop me cold.
If he had told me I was related to Palpatine...I would have told he was delusional.
No I wouldn't have believed him.
Not without proof and here it was, in my own my mind.
"I...how? I'm a monster-"
"Rey you're not a monster."
I snap my head around to meet his hard, yet oddly compassionate gaze. My temper flashes, my blood a river of fire. I don't want to be placated. Not by him, not about this.
"Yes I am! This...this is Palpatine! The man who decimated an entire galaxy, the enemy of every Jedi...of the entire Resistance! I carry his blood, so don't stand there and tell me I'm not a monster." I feel tainted now, violated in a way that is beyond comprehension, "You don't know how I feel!"
My chest is heaving and I feel like there are bands around my lungs and I cannot take a breath, I cannot think.
A hard glitter in his eyes, he folds his arms and simply stares at me. The compassion that was there seconds ago melts before his own ire.
"You forget," cold, ruthless words like a slap across my face, "I am the grandson of Darth Vader. So yes, I do know how you feel."
My anger has sunk sharp claws into me and is unwilling to let go and I lash out.
"No you don't! Darth Vader was saved by his son Luke Skywalker, everyone knows that in the end he was redeemed. But no one, not a single person, could redeem Palpatine!"
I can't stand still, I feel as though I'm spiraling, losing all sense of myself.
"How he could have had a child...no one could love Palpatine...my father-"
"He didn't."
I wasn't aware my mutterings would be taken as questions and his confusing answer halts my desperate wandering. I turn to look at him belatedly aware that I am halfway across the room now.
"You're not making any sense. Of course he had to have a child. Drystan said that Palpatine was his father."
"Your father wasn't..." hesitation from him and I narrow my eyes but he refuses to speak and I know without a doubt he's hiding something from me.
Again.
"Tell me everything you know."
I see his fists clench and he turns his face away from me and I can't stand it any longer.
I'm tired of stumbling around in the dark not knowing anything.
I cross the room and dig my fingers into his armor. Perhaps not the smartest choice I could make but to hell with being cautious. I wanted answers and I wanted them now.
"Tell me Ben! Please, I have to know the truth, all of it!"
Tears of rage choke my words and I'm shaking I'm so angry.
He turns his head and looks down at me and I see the misery in his dark, melancholy eyes and something inside me dies a little more.
It wasn't suppose to be like this anymore.
"Do you want me to beg? To get down on my knee's to you? Because I will-"
His hands grip the sides of my arms with bruising force, a glittering rage that I have never seen in him awash in his eyes.
"No! Rey I don't want you on your knee's, you don't beg anyone for anything!"
"Then tell me what you know."
He closes his eyes and drops his hands, stepping away from me.
When he speaks there is nothing in it. Just emptiness, an icy void where the spark of emotions should have been.
"Your father was a clone. Palpatine's clone."
I thought nothing else I learned could surprise me at this point. But I was wrong, so very wrong.
"I-no that's not possible-"
"It is." I stare at Ben and see only the harsh truth reflected in raven-night eyes when they open, "I've seen them. On Exegol, the 'discards'. At least a dozen of them."
"Your father Drystan, Palpatine considered him a failed experiment."
"How do you know all of this?"
I whisper the words, abject misery stealing all brightness from my life.
My father was a clone, I can barely wrap my head around the concept. Cloning...that was suppose to have been prohibited.
Too unethical to be allowed to continue and the Senate banned its use after the Last War.
"He told me," I don't need him to clarify who 'he' is, "shortly after I learned that you were his granddaughter."
"And," I clench my own fists and force myself to ask the question, "my mother? Was she a cl-clone as well?"
Ben is shaking his head.
"No, as far as I can tell your mother was human. She somehow met your father, fell in love...and they had you."
I close my eyes but I feel no relief to hear that my mother was human after all.
"You're not a monster Rey."
I give a short, pained laugh.
"You can tell me that as many times as you want but it doesn't alter the fact that I am a Palpatine. I was born a monster."
"Then, by your own definition, so was I."
I open my eyes and stare at him. If this was his idea of a sick joke...no, there is no laughter in his eyes.
His mouth is set into a hard line and once more his arms are folded across his chest.
He's leaning against the glass, the silhouette of the stars outlining him.
"You're not making any sense."
"No? You just set the parameters on how a monster is made, so let me redefine them for you."
I don't like where this is going but I keep my mouth shut and let him speak.
A slight lift of his mouth but I shiver at that smile. It has a dangerous edge to it.
"To be a monster you must carry the blood of one correct?" He doesn't wait for me to agree but continues on in that dark, silken voice of his.
"So, by that standard, I too was born a monster. My grandfather is Anakin Skywalker, who the entire galaxy knows as Darth Vader. The man who murdered by the millions, destroyed worlds and hunted the Jedi to extinction. A monster by anyone's definition."
His eyes a quiet rage and I take a step back.
"Also by your definition that would make Leia Organa Solo and Luke Skywalker monsters as well."
"That's different!"
He gives me a bored look but the rage is there.
"Really?"
"I-my father said it was my blood that I carry-"
A heavy sigh and I look at him through blurry eyes as he walks back to me.
He cups my chin and I can't stand him to be so gentle with me when all I've done is scream at him for something that I know he had no part in.
But I'm just so angry.
"Rey you don't get to choose your parents. You don't get to decide what life you're born into. But that doesn't mean you can't decide your own path, your own fate. Haven't you been doing that this entire time?"
Tears spill down my face and I desperately want to believe his words. He's just as angry as I am but I sense his anger is not directed at me.
But for me.
Still something holds me back.
"What happened to them?"
This is the only question left to be answered. My memories...I don't know anything beyond when they left me on Jakku.
"What?"
I hear the uncertainty, an odd note straining his voice that hollows my heart.
"I asked," I speak the words slowly as anger threatens to hold me hostage, "what happened to my parents Ben Solo."
I've shocked him. I feel him trembling and he quickly drops his hand from my face.
"I...I don't know."
"Liar."
Black rage in my my mind, a poisoned heat in my blood as I stare at this man who has been leading me on for far too long.
"Rey...?"
I take a step forward as something dangerous, something dark inside of me, awakens. A cruel pleasure unfurling when he steps back.
"I called you a liar, Ben Solo. You know what happened to my parents and you will tell me."
A dissonance in my head, a voice that doesn't feel like my own. Words come unbidden and I don't care what's happening to me. I came here for answers and by the Force I will have them.
One way or another.
I take another step forward and once again he backs away and I hear the sound of metal skating across metal. The dull flash of light that catches my vision.
I see the Sith dagger, Ochi's dagger, spinning slowly in circles on the floor.
A remembrance of screams as I gaze at the object.
Strange that I should have feared something so inconsequential not so long ago.
I feel no such trepidation's now.
Ochi of Bestoon had been hunting my parents the day they left me on Jakku. I sense his memories trapped in that blade.
"Rey, whatever you are thinking, don't."
I tilt my head and look at Ben. He is both imploring and commanding me. Perhaps I might have listened to him, might have have stopped at the alarm that is all to evident in his rigid posture, those clenched fists that give away his turbulent nature.
But no longer.
"If you will not help me then I will do this myself."
"Rey, don't!"
But it's too late. I've wrapped the Force around the dagger and called it to my hand.
Cold, searing metal against my flesh and screams erupt in my mind and I scream along with them...mingled in the faintest sound of sinister laughter...
