Alexander Colbourne looked across the carriage at his daughter, Leonora, curled up on the seat, and wished he could sleep as soundly as she was. The trip to London was a long one, practically a day, but Leo was handling the trip well. Never having made the trip to London before, she took in the countryside, before settling into her book, Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels. It had been one of his favorites as a child, and he was glad that it was something that he could discuss with his daughter. As much as she needed to start her transition into womanhood, the more he was around her, the less he was ready for her to grow up. He had quickly realized how much time he had missed out on her life, because he was angry with himself. She may not be his daughter by blood, but he was the only parent she had ever known, and as much as he tried to stay away from her, he could not ignore that she was intelligent, and in many ways, like him. He wanted to be a better example to the child he was entrusted with, even under the circumstances that led to her birth.
Next to him, Augusta was engrossed in The History of Sir Charles Grandison by Samuel Richardson. Every day, she looked more and more like his deceased wife, Lucy, as did Leonora, but that was where the similarities ended. Augusta had proven to him that she was much stronger than her aunt, and her mother, both physically and intellectually. She challenged him almost daily, but as much as he was growing to appreciate the strong woman she was becoming, he knew he had to prepare her for the future. Keeping the girls isolated at Heyrick Park needed to come to an end for Augusta's sake. She would be entering London society in a few short months, later then what she would have been if her parents were still alive.
As much as he detested London, he knew that with the current season coming to a close, the bulk of the Ton would be vacating the city, and spending the cooler months in their country homes. He was taking the opportunity to do the opposite. Augusta could be welcomed back to the city, Leonora introduced to it, and he would exit his solitude. He worked with an agent to let a property in Mayfair, steps from Hyde Park. It may not be Heyrick Park, but at least he would be able to escape to the park when needed.
He also secured a new governess for the girls, an older woman who came highly recommended and ensured him that she would have Augusta prepared for when she had her formal coming out the next spring. Augusta had agreed to the situation, promising to not interject too loudly to the teachings in front of her. She was excited to return to London, and would do anything to not encourage her uncle to run back for the solitude of Heyrick Park.
Contrary to what Augusta believed, Heyrick Park was no longer a place of refuge for him. Everywhere he looked, he saw her. At the pianoforte, the girl's study, his study, the fields and woods of Heyrick Park. In the cornflowers he could see from the windows of his home. Everywhere he envisioned Miss Charlotte Heywood.
Miss Heywood. Charlotte. How he wished he could allow a whisper of her Christian name to slip from his lips. To hold her close to him again and feel his lips on hers. From the moment he met her, he felt something in him change. She challenged him, encouraged him, questioned him – no woman had ever done that before. He would catch her looking at him, and he could feel the look from her eyes go all of the way down to the pit of his stomach. She made simple things extraordinary. He found himself looking forward to seeing her come up the drive, and unbeknownst to her, he watched her leave most days. She broke down his walls, brick by brick. Some would say that she bewitched him, but that was not so. She simply reminded him what it was like to be alive. She reminded all of them what it was like to be alive. And then it ended. The memories of her bombarded him daily, to the point where he felt he had to escape his home. Go to a place where he would have no memory of her.
"Uncle, are you alright?"
Alexander opened his eyes, and looked at Augusta, and only then realized there were tears on his cheeks. He quickly brushed them away. "I am fine". He knew that Augusta was keenly aware of the situation with Miss Heywood. They did not mention it, but her absence was felt by all of them. As Augusta had said the day that he visited Miss Heywood at Trafalgar House, she had almost restored him to a human being. His house had been full of darkness, and she had brought light back to it, but he had chased the light away. He was so scared that he would destroy her like he did Lucy, and he could not live with himself if that was to ever occur.
Lucy. His marriage to Lucy had originally been of necessity. After the death of his mother during childbirth when he was just a young boy himself, his father was often found in the bottom of a bottle and gambling. The estate was starting to fall into disrepair, and while the money was not gone yet, it was dwindling. His father and Lucy's father, General Abrams, were acquaintances, and the two of them were introduced. She was vibrant and energetic; he was quieter but was intrigued by this beautiful woman. Their fathers encouraged the match, especially his own as she was to come with a rather large dowry, and the estate needed an influx of funds. Her father encouraged it as her twin sister had already been married for several years and had a child. At that time, unknown to him, her father forced her hand to Alexander, saying she was heading for the life of spinsterhood if she did not marry soon. Lucy had her reasons for not wanting to marry Alexander, but eventually gave into her father's wishes.
Six months into the marriage, his father passed suddenly, thrusting the needs of the estate into his responsibility. Alexander had no choice but to return to Heyrick Park, but his wife was adamant that she wanted to remain in London. She stated she was too young to be forced to stay in the country. He had never seen this selfish side of her before, and knowing she would win the battle, he reluctantly went home to Sanditon alone to bury is father and manage the estate.
Once Alexander obtained the books that his father left, he discovered the shape that the estate was truly in. He spent every waking moment working at bringing it back to its former self. Months had passed, the season had ended, and Lucy had still not arrived in Sanditon. She was consistent in her letters that she was ill and too sick to travel. Finally, able to step away from the estate and extremely worried about his wife, Alexander made the trip to London, and found her with child.
Lucy had met Captain Lennox years before, just as she was about to go into society. As one of her father's Captains, their association had been an easy one. She was quickly falling in love with the brave captain, and then he received orders that he was being sent to the continent with his regiment. After she married Alexander and he left to return home, Captain Lennox appeared once again, and as much as she knew she should heed her emotions, they eventually won out, and in the heat of passion, they became one. It was not until after he left again that she realized she was with child. She was ashamed, disgraced, and she felt very alone, knowing that the man she had been in love with for years was not her husband.
Once Lucy returned to Heyrick Park with him, she was a ghost of her former self. Alexander watched her slip away more every day. He had been angry, and said some hurtful, vicious things, and showed her no mercy, but she was still his wife. This child would be a Colbourne. He had hoped that she may change once the child was born. That they would change. The day that Leonora was born, Lucy had no energy to greet her daughter. Mrs. Wheatley took her to the nursery, and Alexander tucked Lucy into her bed, and watched her fall asleep after the agony of childbirth. He then went to the nursery, and watched the sleeping babe, eventually falling asleep in the chair next to her.
He never heard Lucy leave her room, go down the stairs or out the front door. In the wee hours of the morning, he went to check on her, and discovered her missing. As he passed the window, he saw a figure in white nightclothes laying on the ground against a tree. He ran down the stairs, out the door into the pouring, freezing rain and across the lawn to her, to find her body lifeless drenched from spending an unknown amount of hours there.
Alexander shut himself off after that, from Leonora, his family, and acquaintances. His heart was cold and frozen from the rain, just like Lucy's body. If only he had not left her, she would still be here. If he had not left her side to go be near Leonora. They could have become a family, a real family, he was sure of it. Then Miss Heywood came into his life, even more vibrant and alive then Lucy, and he reached for it. For the first time in years, he felt like he was not just making the motions of being alive. He reached for the sun, to remove himself from the dark place he had spent the last nine years, then in the blink of an eye, the sun was gone.
He looked back out the window of the carriage at the passing countryside, rushing from the memories of her, the nightmares of his past, and towards an uncertain future.
