Author's Note: Update! Bet you thought I forgot but I didn't. Sorry for the delay and I promise I will have this story wrapped up soon! Please be patient with me.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. I simply play in their world.
Reviews: I am always humbled by those who take a few seconds out of their day to read and give me a review. Thank you, it means everything to me.
"She wanted the bones
in my body, she wanted
my soul and my mind.
And I gave it to her,
all of me, all at once.
I didn't care.
She deserved it.
She deserved more.
Sometimes a strong woman
just needs to be loved."
-R.M Drake
Ben Solo
She's alive and in my arms.
I didn't lose my heart, my reason for living. Had she died and I lived...
I carry the legacy of Skywalker in my blood. Both Light and Dark. I turn thoughts away from the nightmare the galaxy may well have become if I had been forced to live without her.
She pulls away, gasping for breath, struggling to regain control. Not because she wants to but because she thinks it's expected of her.
How many times has she had to be strong, to pretend her own pain didn't exist for the sake of others?
Never again. Not with me. We're in this together.
"Hey," I tilt her face up, joy striking my heart each time I behold her, "you don't have to do that with me."
Her lashes are spiked, lips trembling and she looks so woefully young as confusion clouds her eyes.
"Do what?"
Gently I brush the falling tears away from her cheek because not touching is no longer an option.
"Pretend everything is okay," her eyes widen in shock and I'm going to make myself perfectly clear, no misinterpretations, "It's alright to cry Rey. I'm here, I have you. I'm not letting go."
She's shaking in my arms, her breath ragged as hot tears slide down my fingers.
She's looking at me with such fragile hope my heart turns over. How long has she waited to hear she doesn't have to be strong all the time?
Head touching mine, we breathe as one and I keep my hand on her face.
I meant what I said. I'm never letting her go.
"Are you going to do this forever?"
Her voice is barely above a murmur and I swipe away another tear I can feel trailing down her skin.
Her question takes me by surprise and I'm not quite sure what she's asking of me.
"Do what?"
A soft breath that might have been silent laughter.
"Stay by my side, taking care of me even when I don't ask you to?"
Laughter escapes out of me unexpectedly. She really can be a bit obtuse regarding my feelings for her.
Her skin warm against my palm, I slide my hand back to bury in her hair because she is mine and I am hers.
"Always." A hitch in her breath and I am more than aware of how close we are to each other, "I'm afraid you're stuck with me sweetheart."
I can feel her pulse racing and wonder if I'm pushing too fast for her.
"Hey Ben?"
Such hesitancy and I mentally prepare to let her go. I knew it, I am pushing too fast but I feel as if I've been chasing her my entire life and now I've finally caught up.
"Yeah?"
"I really want to kiss you again."
Such sweet longing, a brush of fire along the bond burrowing in my veins, leaving me stunned.
I thought I was the only one needing more.
She lifts her head, startling amber holding me captive as her hands slide up my chest.
My fingers tighten in her hair and her eyes dilate, lips parting.
Desire claws at my gut and all I want is another taste of her mouth on mine.
"So do-"
"REY! WHERE ARE YOU! REY!"
She snaps her head back before I even get a chance to feel her lips.
Her friends have finally arrived and I should be grateful to get away from here.
I'm not. They couldn't have waited five more minutes?
"He has the worst timing I swear."
Rey looks at me, amber shifting to topaz as her gaze lingers on my mouth and I swear the woman is trying to kill me all over again.
A heavy sigh, her hands dropping as she gets to her feet with a lithe grace I am more than happy to admire.
"Come on," I hear the slight annoyance as if she isn't happy about the interruption either, "looks like the cavalry has found us."
Despite what Rey and I feel for each other in the eyes of the Resistance I am still their enemy.
They're here to rescue her. I wonder what sort of fight I'm going to have on my hands.
"Lucky me."
I grasp her hand and manage to stand upright.
My left ankle burns as I put weight on it and nearly stagger, black spots dancing in my vision as my chest tightens unexpectedly and I'm left winded.
Her arm slips beneath me, taking my weight and the tightness is easing.
I'm a big man and we're both injured. She isn't going to be able to support me for long.
I-
Finn rushing into the cave and I'm nearly knocked off my feet as his frantic desperation slams into me.
That boy needs to learn how to shield and fast. I'm tired of being bombarded by his every emotion. Right now I don't have the strength to block and he's making my head pound.
"Rey! I-" Elation shifting to shocked rage and I lift my head to see his blaster pointed at my chest, "get away from him now!"
My temper spikes at his hissed words. He and I-
"Put that goddamn thing away or I swear I will shoot you myself!"
A hot, furious pulse along the bond and I realize it's not just my anger coming into play.
I stare at the woman holding me up, her grip tight against my side as she glares at Finn, the man I know she considers her brother.
Family.
Her outright refusal to walk away from me is a balm to my weary, ravaged soul.
"What did you do to her?" I snap my attention back to the renegade, furious hurt making my head spin despite his acidic tone, "You brainwashed her didn't you!" Used your damned Jedi-mind tricks to make her think you're on her side and I'm-"
I wish I could use the Force right now just so I could shut him up for five seconds. He's hurtling accusations at me so fast I wonder if the boy is actually breathing.
"That's enough Finn!"
Her words like a sharp blade, slicing through his raving and blessed silence descends around us.
"He saved my life!" Her protective fury wraps around me as her fingers clench in my shirt and again I am left wondering how I managed to deserve her, "He saved all of us so put your weapon down!"
I blink as the Force surges inside her, my vision dancing as her command echoes through the cave.
I hear the clatter of metal on rock just before my vision returns to normal. It should have been nearly impossible for her to call the Force and I-
Rey staggers beneath me, a surge of nausea so strong my stomach cramps in response just before she crumples.
"Rey!"
Her skin is pallid but burning, beads of sweat covering her exposed skin. She's on her knee's and bile crawls up my throat as blood splatters the ground, staining her lips crimson.
Ben...I don't...feel so good...
"I have you."
My chest constricts as I drop to the ground, my left knee and ankle nothing but hot agony. I push my own injuries aside. Bruised and torn muscles, I've survived worse.
Her body quivering, a harsh retching noise as more blood covers the ground and I move my hand across her back, probing gently.
Pain spikes in my head as I channel the Force to locate her injuries. I ignore the warning and keep probing.
"What's...what's happening to her?"
Finn's fear is an acrid tang in the back of my throat and I cannot afford the distraction. I am pathetically weak and I'm only going to be able to do this once.
Come one, I will the Force to help me, just a little more.
There. The shadow in her lungs. My hand moving down her side and I feel the bulge where it should be flat.
Blood seeping from an internal rupture.
"She's bleeding internally," she's so quiet now, her breathing shallow, "she needs medical attention." I look up at Finn and see only dazed confusion in dark eyes. "Now."
No reaction.
Fine. I'll do this myself if he's just going to stand there like an idiot.
"I'm," weak, reedy words and I look down to see blood seeping down the side of her mouth, "fine."
Like hell. I open my mouth to tell exactly what I think when a familiar roar blast through the cave and I wince as my ears ring from the amplification.
Great. Just...great.
Chewbacca rushes into the cave and hard on his heels is Lando. I shudder and turn my attention back to the woman in my arms.
My father's two best friends. Shame grips me hard, the tide of grief trying to creep in and once more I shove it away.
I don't have time for this. I need to concentrate on keeping Rey alive.
"...Poe? Where-"
She can't get the question out before she's turning in my arms, throwing up more blood.
Her injuries are getting worse.
She's shaking so badly I'm afraid she's going into shock.
"Stop talking," I press my hand to forehead, her body temperature is climbing and desperation makes me snap, "I'm sure Dameron is alive." She needs to be thinking about keeping herself alive not worrying about others, "You need-"
Spasms in my chest and I can't breath. My vision goes dark as fire licks through my veins.
I lose my grip on Rey and I swear she's screaming for me.
Damn it...why am I so pathetic...
"...have to stabilize them..."
Shadows in my eyes, something over my face as cool air seeps into my lungs and my head throbs.
I can feel her hand in mine, the bond an erratic pulse but there.
She's alive...they have to save her...
"...her..."
The ground feels like it's swaying, the lights flickering but it's warm. The cavern was freezing, why is it so warm now?
Another shadow and I manage to turn my head despite the pain pounding my bones to dust.
Lando.
"Easy Ben," his hand on my head, holding me still, "you're on the Falcon."
The mask on my face makes it hard to talk, my lungs ravaged and burning, but I have to tell him.
"...d-don't...me...Rey," I can barely get the words out and I feel her hand slipping from mine, "save...p-please..."
His eyes widen and he looks at something next to me but I can't see anything...something sweet in the air they're giving me...I can't hold on...
"...the hell happened! Why is she holding his hand..."
"...pry them apart...both went into cardiac arrest when we tried..."
"...move Commander Dameron, now! I want her in medbay Two...take him to Six...no, his injuries are far more severe, take him to Nine..."
A cacophony of voices, I can't make sense of any of them.
I can't feel Rey's hand...
What is happening to Rey?
My grip on reality fades as I'm dragged back under...
Cool air on my face, my lungs no longer burning but I feel oddly hollow.
I hear a beeping noise and it takes me a moment to realize it's the sound of machines.
Opening my eyes is a struggle, I feel like lead weights are holding them down but I manage.
Sterile light, a room smelling of antiseptic and bacta.
My vision swims and a wave of dizziness accompanies it. The machine is beeping frantically and it only makes my pounding head worse.
"So you decided not to die after all."
I swallow back the bile creeping up my throat and blink several times, willing the dizziness to pass.
Dameron standing at the end of my bed, his arm bound in a sling. Vaguely I see the arms of his orange flight suit wrapped around his waist.
His eyes are flinty and he isn't bothering to hide his contempt. I'm not surprised considering I did torture him at one time for information.
"W-where?"
Damn, I'm already winded.
"Hospital. Nope," he forestalls me holding up a hand, "you don't get to ask questions here. I'm the one asking questions and you better pray I like your answers or I swear I will-"
"Enough Poe."
He yelps as Maz enters the room and a dark humor dispels some of the apathy clinging to my bones.
It's nice to see I'm not the only one who can be surprised by the old woman.
"Maz! You about gave me a damn heart attack. You need to wear a bell or something so I know when you're around me..."
She ignores his sarcasm and crosses her thin, golden arms and I turn my attention to my mother's oldest advisor.
"Well you're a sight Ben Solo."
If I had any breath I might have laughed but right now it's all I can do just to breathe.
"Rey...Maz...is she..."
She sighs and fear is a knife buried in my chest and the machines go off as I struggle to sit up and get out of this bed.
I can't be here. I have to find her.
"Whoa! Whoa, where the hell do you think you're going!"
Dameron at my side, his hand pushing me back down. I struggle to throw him off but my back spasms and all I can do is gasp for breath.
"Shit!" He lets go and I nearly slide off the bed as he hits a button. "Metris! Get in here now!"
A rough hand grabbing me and I manage to swing my legs back into bed. My head is swimming and I feel as if I'm trying to breathe through water.
Voices float around me like ghosts and something is placed over my mouth and my lungs release and I take in a gulping breath, my head pounding.
"I said no visitors! What part of my order was unclear to you Commander?"
The whip in the woman's voice makes even me cringe and I can only imagine how Dameron is faring.
Cool, papery touch on my wrist and I look down into Maz's ancient eyes.
"Rey is recuperating young Solo. Rest and you will see your Dyad again."
The knife in my heart releases.
I have no choice but to trust what she's telling me.
I let sleep take me but my dreams are nightmares as vision of Rey with her blood-soaked lips and pain-filled eyes haunt me.
Time passes with no clarity.
I'm asleep and them I'm awake for brief snatches, long enough to understand I'm at a Resistance base and then the meds kick back in.
I still haven't seen Rey but the bond between us is a warm glow in my soul and my Dyad is alive.
It is enough for now. Fatigue is a harsh taskmaster and once more I'm dragged back under, my body demanding rest after all the abuse I've put it through.
I sleep and dream.
There is a lush scent hanging in the air reminding me of flowers in bloom.
I see a woman with long hair unbound, hints of fiery red in sable, stroking petals with slender fingers.
My chest aches and I want to go to her but I'm afraid. Afraid of shattering this illusion of peace.
She turns as if already knowing I'm here, a smile on soft lips as amber eyes sparkle in the setting sun.
One hand resting on the swell of her abdomen, the loose gown only accenting her pregnancy.
"Oh!"
A shock of laughter as she rubs her belly and I'm at her side, anxious and happily terrified.
"What happened? Are you alright?"
She grabs my hand and places it on her stomach.
"Our daughter just kicked me. I swear she's already developed your temperament."
"So charming and helpful then?"
She laughs again and I circle her in my arms so she can rest against me.
"More like stubborn and demanding. I must have been in the bathroom five times last night."
I shouldn't laugh but I do and she elbows me gently before covering my hands with hers.
Our daughter pushes at her stomach and I marvel at these small signs of life.
"She's going to be a fighter."
I press my lips to her temple, the scent of Night Empress stronger now.
"Then she'll be just like her mother."
She tilts her head up and I stare down into shifting amber.
Her left hand lifts and a glint of metal on her fourth finger catches the light before she buries it in my hair, pulling my head down.
I press a kiss to her mouth and she hums softly against my lips and I hear the echo of child-like laughter in the back of my mind...
"Ben."
A lilting voice sweeter than any dream calls to me and I struggle to wake, feel the press of warm lips against my hand.
The bond flairs in my soul, a tremble of joy and sorrow echoing.
"You idiot," I hear the tears in her whispered words, "why didn't you say something..."
I've made her cry again and the knowledge drags me to the edge of consciousness. The drugs they've pumped into my system keep the pain at bay so long as I am asleep.
I fight the pain and exhaustion to open my eyes. Harsh light blinding me before my vision adjusts and all I see is Rey.
Sable hair tumbling down her shoulders in wild disarray, a hellish bruise beneath one eye already fading into sickly yellow.
I see relief and ardent love reflected in vivid amber. My throat tightens and tears prick the back of my eyes.
I thought I would lose her again.
"Rey."
I wish I could touch her face, stroke the lines of worry from around her eyes but my bones are leaden and pain is an endless march coursing through my veins.
The meds kick in viciously and my ability to suppress them is gone.
I slide back unwillingly into sleep. I've barely had a chance to be with her and I...don't want to wake up alone...like so many endless nights from before...
Her fingers tangle with mine and I hear the slide of cloth on cloth as a shift of weight dips the bed.
Sunlight and lush flowers intoxicate my senses, momentarily overriding the relentless pain. Warm heat against my skin and even in my befuddled state I realize what's happening.
She's not leaving but joining me.
The hard knot of anxiety since I awoke and found myself alone uncoils and I shift to make room, wanting her as close to me as possible.
A gentle sigh and the press of her head against my shoulder. Fingers gliding across my skin as she pulls my arm around her waist, tucking her body next to mine.
A single tear slides down my face when I hear the steady beating of her heart, calling out a single word to my soul.
Home.
She trembles in my arms and I sense her profound weariness. She shouldn't be out of bed so quickly with her injuries but I am selfish enough to not demand she go back to her own room.
She is right where she belongs, in my arms.
I love you Ben.
A feathered caress inside my mind, her words touching all the lonely, broken pieces of my soul and healing them.
I know, peace settles into my bones and I can finally breathe again, I love you too Rey.
Her sigh of happiness is everything to me and this time I gladly go back to sleep, knowing when I wake she will be right here with me.
Except the other voices in the room have gotten louder and quite oblivious to the fact we're trying to rest.
It's the same woman's voice from earlier, the one barking out orders like a seasoned battle commander.
"What is the meaning of all this? I said no visitors. My patients are in critical condition and-"
"Doctor Metris I suggest you look at your readings again."
My shock mingles with Rey's at Maz's unexpected interruption but her fatigue is building on my own and I can't hold onto the thread of their conversation.
Not that I particularly care at this point. I have Rey back in my arms, I am content.
A sleepy chuckle inside my mind from whatever Rey must have overheard. Something about the doctor wanting answers from Maz.
Good luck with that.
Her slightly acerbic wit tells me she's been around Maz long enough to know that old woman never gives a straight answer about anything.
Warmth in soul, a tickle in the back of my throat as our souls twine and I fall asleep to the sound of her quiet breathing and dappled sunlight in my veins.
For the first time in a long time I am grateful to be alive.
I wake on my own and without pain. I can't remember the last time I woke like this and take a few moments to simply breathe.
No pain only gentle warmth and slight pressure.
I no longer feel so exhausted and open my eyes and immediately look down.
Rey is fast asleep, her face buried against my chest, her arms wrapped loosely around my waist.
The sheet is pooled around our hips and the loose gown she's wearing has slipped down one shoulder, revealing smooth creamy skin.
Gently, I don't want to disturb her rest, I pull it back into place. As much as I enjoy the view I don't need her getting chilled.
My fingers brush the edges of her hair and I give into temptation and stroke the silky strands.
I will never understand how she keeps it this soft but I am utterly content with the effect.
She shifts in my arms, her breath warm against my skin and a shiver runs through me as her head lifts and I gaze into sleepy amber.
A smile graces her lips and if I could wake every morning like this I would ask for nothing else for the rest of my life.
"Hi."
A soft, shy sound and I stop moving altogether.
"Hi."
Well this isn't awkward at all.
Her smile disappears and I wonder if my boldness touching her while sleeping was the wrong move after all.
"What is it?"
Did I cause her pain? Have I overstepped my bounds?
A delicate trace of color across her cheekbones and she averts her gaze from mine, a hint of shyness when she answers.
"I like it when you stroke my hair."
Will she never stop surprising me?
She flashes me a sharp glance, daring me to laugh at her embarrassment and despite the meds still being pumped through my blood, I am not so rattlebrained to drive her from my arms.
I resume my caress and she settle against me, eyes closed in pleasure.
I could do this all day and never tire.
"How are you feeling?"
Elated? Amazed to still be alive? Delighted yet terrified this is all a dream and I'm actually dead?
All of them and none of them at once?
"Better now you're hear with me." I'm relieved my voice doesn't shake.
She laughs, the air seeming to shimmer with her mirth as her fingers trail over my chest in idle movement.
"I had to bully Finn and Poe into bringing me here."
Affection laces her words and I grit my teeth.
Those two. 'Commander' Dameron with his less than subtle intimidation tactics and Finn, her 'brother' who would have blown my guts out if she hadn't stepped in.
"Why am I not surprised?"
The truth is I am a little surprised they didn't drag her from the bed and set guards inside this room to keep us apart.
I have a feeling Maz might be behind some of it.
She taps my chest with her finger.
"You be nice."
I don't think I know the meaning of the word. I look down into sparking amber and a different heat flows through my veins.
"Persuade me."
I meant it to be teasing but her eyes darken to topaz and awareness sharpens between us.
Her breath catches as she licks her lips and it's all I can do not to tighten my grip in her hair and drag her mouth to mine.
Slowly, I have to remind myself harshly, don't rush her.
Her hand creeps up my chest as she inches forward, all wide eyes and parted lips and I lean in to make it easier for her to reach me.
Hot agony flashing in my chest, my lungs squeezing and black spots dance in my vision.
"Ben!" She pulls away and I see desire replaced by alarm, "You're in no shape to be moving around!"
I hate being weak and I hate that she has to see me this way.
"I'm...ugh," a sharp throb in my left side, "fine." She gives me a fierce look and I struggle to explain. "The pain meds are wearing off." I should probably get another dose but I don't want to go back to sleep, not yet. "Nothing I haven't dealt with before."
Snoke's 'training' regime was survive or die. I've fought with broken bones, concussions and blood loss while traversing inhospitable environments or being surrounded by enemies with nothing but bare hands and the Force.
This is nothing more than an annoyance.
She sighs but doesn't speak and I've won this argument. Now if only I could-
She shifts and pain crawls through her eyes, her lips pressed tight so she doesn't scream.
She's hurting and she's been concealing it this entire time because of my stupid provocation from earlier.
I shift my hand to her waist and tug her down against me, refusing to listen to whatever protests she might think of.
"Why didn't you tell me you were hurting?"
Her head pillowed on my shoulder, our reclining position easier on my breathing and I manage to turn to look down into her eyes.
She lifts a slender eyebrow and I see the stubborn set of her jaw.
I'm not going to enjoy her answer, I can feel it already.
"Nothing I haven't dealt with before."
Damn. Using my own words against me. She is far too clever for her own good.
"...that," her eyes spark in warning, "...you..." her finger taps my chest, nail pricking and I give up, "alright. Fine." I sigh and stare up at the ceiling. "You win."
Hair sliding down my arm like heavy silk, the press of warm lips against my throat. The rush of heat makes me lightheaded and I tighten my hold around her hip. In warning or for something more even I don't know at this point.
I just don't want her to stop.
"You should know better than to argue with me."
Gods the woman is a torment to my senses. It is well we are both injured or I would damn the consequences and have her on her back beneath me regardless of who might be watching.
"Is this what I have to look forward to for the next hundred years?"
A lifetime of being ambushed by this woman, of being half-driven out of my mind with her teasing mouth and words.
Sound just about perfect.
Her mouth lifts from my skin and I feel her trembling against me.
"A hundred years Ben?"
Damn. Did I really say that out loud? I...well I did mean them but...
I turn carefully on my side, constantly having to angle my head to look down was giving me a crick, and now we are inches apart.
I keep my arm across her waist, I don't want her bolting on me in panic, but her head is pillowed on her hands.
Dark lashes fringe wide, expectant eyes and she is looking at me with such vulnerable yearning I swallow hard.
I don't want to mess this up.
My hand shakes as I tuck errant strands behind her ear.
"Not long enough? Well I heard Master Yoda lived to be around nine-hundred but he wasn't human so-"
I'm rambling and I know it so I'm almost grateful when she reaches across and presses fingers to my mouth.
Her smile is strained, a gleam of tears in vivid amber.
"Ben," she whispers my name like a prayer, "I don't care if we live for a hundred years or one. So long as-"
She halts half-way, averting her gaze and I think I've forgotten how to breathe.
She can't stop there. I have to know the rest.
I hold onto her wrist, placing soft kisses on each pad. Callouses and tiny scars crisscross her fingers and there isn't a part of her I don't adore.
Her breath catches and she's looking at me, I have her undivided attention again.
"So long as what Rey?"
I keep my voice soft and my hold on her hand. Can she feel how much I'm dying to hear her answer?
Is she going to run away from me again or will she stay and face the future I imagined for us?
She lets out a slow breath but her gaze never wavers from mine. There is no smile on her lips but her eyes are swirling light.
"So long as I have you with me."
Finally, the answer I have waited for what feels like half my lifetime to hear, now I can tell her what I should have so long ago on Emphameira.
I pull her hand down and place it against my heart. It's no longer mine, it hasn't been since the day I met her. Her lips quiver as she presses her palm flush against my skin, eyes searching mine.
"I love you Rey and you have me." Every last, broken piece, "Until the day I take my last breath, I'm yours and even then I will find you in the Force. Or our next life."
There will never come a day when I will not want to walk by her side. I want to share my life with her.
Her eyes widen and her lips part but she is silent. A spark between us, a ripple in the bond and an unspoken question hangs in the air and my heart is a rush of white noise in my head.
Does she understand what I'm telling her...what I'm asking of her?
She scoots closer, I can count the tiny freckles across her nose before she buries her face against my chest.
"Our next life?"
Her hair muffles her words and I sigh, a keen knife of disappointment slicing through me.
Those were not the words I had in mind but for now I will take them. It seems I am going to have to wait a little longer for my answer after all.
"Yes. A single life with you will never be enough. I want a hundred, a thousand lifetimes with you."
I am not going to speak to her hair and gently lift her face from my chest. Her cheeks are flushed and she stares at me with haunted eyes filled with love and terrible need.
A need to belong. Something I too have searched for my entire life and found here, with her.
"I will always love you Rey." She will never be alone again, not so long as I breathe, "You are my forever."
She looks at me with luminous eyes and I swear I see the reflection of my soul in them.
"I love you Ben. You're my forever too."
I was wrong. I didn't have to wait long for my answer and she has taken away my ability to speak with my name on her lips.
She is mine and I am hers.
Always.
Her eyes darken and she has that look again, the one to make my blood heat faster and dream of long nights in tangled sheets.
"Don't move Ben."
A whispered command with her eyes fastened on my mouth and I swallow hard.
I have no intention of disobeying.
I want to taste her love, her desire just for me.
She leans in and I close my eyes, anticipation holding me taunt. Her breath mingling with mine-
"Mistress Rey! Master Ben! How good to see you awake and functional!"
A startled yelp from Rey and I snap my eyes open and growl when I see the golden droid in our room.
Rey on her back with an arm thrown over her face but I can still see the tinge of scarlet.
"Knock next time before you enter."
She sounds as disgruntled as I feel and thoughts of dismantling the protocol droid chase through my mind.
I sigh at the interruption, again, and ease onto my back.
The universe is conspiring against me I swear.
"Yes of course, forgive my rudeness. But I am here to inform you Doctor Metris wishes to speak with you. I shall get her now."
He is in and out before we can so much as protest.
"Threepio wait-"
Rey is up and reaching for him but the droid is gone and she growls, thrusting a hand through her hair.
"And he's gone. Great."
She glances down at me and I see the wild desire evident along with the charming blush she cannot hide.
Well she was the one who wanted these people as family. A loud, noisy bunch of busybodies.
"Don't. Say. Anything."
A soft growl in her voice and I know she senses my thoughts.
But I haven't said anything.
Yet.
Which is no longer an option when another person enters and one I recognize briefly.
The female doctor from when we were first brought in. She has sharp but not unkind eyes and a presence that is formidable.
No wonder Dameron backed down.
She glances at me and her skin pales but she quickly shift back to Rey.
Something about her reaction...a sense of unease building in the pit of my stomach.
"Your color has improved from the last time I checked in. How are you feeling Rey?"
I expect her to tell the doctor about the pain from earlier, the mild fatigue I can sense even now. Perhaps something was missed in the initial exam?
"Much better."
I blink at her obfuscating statement. Better? Her bright smile makes me growl because I know it's all an act.
Doctor Metris gives me a considerate look and I open my mouth to tell her exactly what is going on with Rey when she shoots me a dark look.
"I'm fine," her eyes promise retribution and she turns her back to me, "Ignore him, he worries too much."
Too much? I snort and fold my arms across my chest. She doesn't worry enough by half so it's up to me.
"I'll be the judge of that. Stand up and walk around for me."
Rey obeys and follows the doctor's instructions as I track her with my eyes. I wouldn't have believed it before but it seems she really is...better.
I narrow my eyes and wonder if she tricked me with her 'wounded' act from before.
No. I felt her pain, the fatigue in her bones. But she's improved and I keep my mouth shut.
The doctor nods and gives her some instructions and Rey stands straight, massaging her lower back.
Metris gives her a sharp look and I pay closer attention.
"How does your head feel? Any blurred vision or dizziness?"
Rey looks confused but I have a suspicion about the sudden line of questioning.
"No. I feel fine. Why?"
"You showed signs of having a cracked skull when I initially examined you. The wound looked old but I wanted to be certain."
Metris taps something on her datapad but I'm no longer paying attention, memories from days ago crashing through my mind.
The bond flickering...the sharp crack of bone hitting rock...her body lifeless as blood pooled beneath her head...
I had nearly lost her then.
She glances at me, questions alive in her eyes but I can't speak about it. Her near-death and then her actual death...icy claws around my throat and I fear I will have nightmares about those moments for years to come.
A slight tilt of her head, understanding and caress of gentle love across my mind and she turns away, questions unasked.
I let out a relieved breath. Maybe one day we'll talk about it. But not now, not today.
A shadow in my peripheral and I stare up at the older woman. Rey is removing the medscanner and looking far too cheerful about being up and around.
My attention goes back to the doctor and I can't help the reservation I feel about being examined.
Cruel memories invade and I can't shut them out.
"...this the one Lord Snoke speaks of? Hmm...well let us proceed...try not to move Lord Ren or you will only make this worse..."
...the smell of my skin burning...a sharp cut and the scent of iron, something hot and wet dripping down both arms...
"How do you feel?"
I stare up into cold, burning eyes of sickly yellow and doubt creeps back in and I bury the pain I feel. A sneer that it is too generous to be called a smile is all I see...
"How are you feeling?"
I swallow and the memory fades. Not cruel yellow but compassionate hazel in my vision now.
Doesn't matter. I glance up at Rey and she's frowning, a note of concern in her eyes.
Something twists in my heart and I turn away. I can't pretend to be strong when she sees right through me.
Instead I level my gaze on the doctor, her fingers poised over the datapad. I've had enough of doctors to last me several lifetimes and I want this over quickly.
"Fine."
Rey makes a strangled sound and it takes everything in me not to glance back at her.
If I do I'll lose my resolve. I keep eye contact with the doctor.
"Don't you-"
Rey trying to interrupt but the doctor surprises me by holding up her hand and keeps her gaze trained on me.
She lifts a slender brow and I have the oddest feeling of my mother doing the exact same thing when she caught me in a lie.
"Ben I'm not here to judge you." Then she would be the first, "My sole concern is your recovery. I am a doctor first and foremost. So in order to treat you effectively I need you to be honest. Let's try this again. How are you feeling?"
I pin this woman with a look I've practiced for years. The look that made guards shiver when I walked by, battle-hardened generals twice my age bend a knee to me.
She meets my gaze and holds it. Her strength of will is...impressive. But the honest flavor of her emotions is what shatters my resolve to stay quiet.
She means every word. She is vested in my well-being as a person and not because I am the former Supreme Leader or the long-lost son of Han and Leia.
Once more I'm being asked to take a leap of faith.
I close my eyes and let out a slow breath, listening to what my body is telling me.
"I don't feel pain when I take a deep breath but my chest tightens if I move too quickly."
The doctor records my response and I catch the minute surprise in her eyes.
"Better than I anticipated considering the state you were in." She glances at me and I lift my brow with a silent question, "Your lungs showed burns I can't explain and you suffered three broken ribs on your right and two with hairline fractures on your lower left." Well that explains the pain in my chest, "The tendons in your left ankle were badly torn but we've mended them." I look down and wiggle my toes beneath the blanket, I had forgotten about the ankle, "You'll need to keep the bacta pack on for at least two more days to completely recover."
Damn. I stifle a groan at having to be stuck in this bed for another two days. I glance at Rey expecting to see a smug look or hear a sarcastic bite about being stubborn but my heart comes to a stuttering halt.
Her face is ashen, hand pressed to the hollow of her throat with eyes closed. From here I can see her shaking and I reach for the bond between us.
Fear, acrid and bright, burns the back of my throat. Incomprehensible loss, deeper than the void, threatening to swallow me whole.
"Rey."
Her eyes open and all I see is the sick, scared look in her shattered gaze.
I lift my hand, needing to touch her to reassure her I'm here, I'm not going to die.
"Come here."
She walks towards me like a sleepwalker and tangles our fingers together, her grip almost painful but I gladly welcome it.
She sits on the edge of the bed, oddly silent and I listen to the doctor with half an ear.
"Bacta pack for two days. I want another day for you lungs to recover from those burns. I don't suppose you want to enlighten me how you sustained those injuries? No? I thought as much. Use the pain medication and don't fight your need to sleep. You'll only hamper your recovery if you do."
She taps out more instructions but my attention is on Rey. Her hand trembles in mine and I didn't realize how badly my injuries affected her.
I'm so used to being alone having someone care and worry about me...it's a strange feeling.
Something else I will need to adjust to in this new life I've chosen.
The room is oddly silent and I realize the doctor has stopped speaking. She is staring at me with a slightly, unnerving gaze as if she has seen a ghost.
"You look like her."
It takes me a second and then I know why she looks at me the way she does.
This woman...she was my mother's doctor.
Were you with her at the end?
The words crowd my tongue but I can't speak them. I...no, I can't, not yet.
She clears her throat and looks away, Rey is squeezing my hand and I grip hers tightly.
The doctor taps on the datapad while walking closer to the exit. She stops and glances at both of us, her professional mien back in her words.
"Rey you're free to leave. Remember what I said about light activity." I can feel Rey's confusion but the doctor is looking at me and I refuse to squirm beneath her stern gaze, "Nothing strenuous until I clear both of you."
The room becomes uncomfortably warm and I catch, just for a brief second, a hint of dry amusement in her gaze.
Somehow I have a feeling the doctor knew what we were about just before Threepio interrupted us.
I glance away and tell myself I am grown man and I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Right.
"Oh to be young again," I hear her murmur and feel my ears burn, "well I suppose I won't have to worry about whether certain hormones are functioning properly."
Bafflement stretching across the bond gives way to flustered arousal as the door slides shut and Rey snatches her hand out of mine.
Despite her attempts to hide I can still see the slash of color across the edges of her cheekbones and down her throat.
Blistering heat racing across the bond and my heartbeat kicks up another notch.
"Tell me she wasn't referring to...you know..."
Pleading words as she peeks at me through her fingers and she is adorable with her shyness.
I can't help but tease her, it's rare for her to be caught so off-guard.
The doctor made it clear we can't do anything physical but we've always been able to communicate without words.
I channel the languid heat still in my blood through the bond, let her feel the desire she stroked within me.
She groans and buries her face in her hands, refusing to look at me.
I want to pull her hands away, to press my lips to her skin, feel the heat of her longing.
But orders are orders and I want out of this hospital as soon as possible.
Reluctantly I reign in my desire and temper my emotions through the bond.
"Don't worry Rey I promise not to take advantage of you."
Her head whips up and the glare she gives me makes me glad I'm still injured. I have a feeling I might have gotten hit otherwise.
Her lips twitch, amusement creeping into shifting amber.
I lean back against the pillows as fatigue weighs heavy in my bones, leeching the playfulness out of me.
"Hey, get some rest." Gentle fingers threading through my hair and I look at the woman I would lay down my life for, "I'm going to shower and change and then see about getting some food for us."
The thought of food churns my stomach, my appetite gone as I remember the words the doctor spoke.
You look like her.
I can't hide behind a mask anymore.
"I'm not hungry," I sigh as my lungs ache, "just...tired."
The bed shift as Rey gets up and I turn just as she leans down and presses warm lips to my brow.
Her quiet acceptance nearly breaks me and I wrap my arms around her waist, just needing this.
Needing her. I can live with the weight of my regrets, the mistakes of my past and my uncertain future so long as she is with me.
"Sleep, I'll be back soon." Her whispered words are like a siren's song, lulling me to compliance, "I promise."
She pulls away and my heart aches to let her go but I won't cage her. I drop my arms and she steps back.
"I love you Rey."
I've gone too many day without being able to speak those words to her. I don't want her to ever leave without knowing I love her.
Her eyes shimmer and her hand reaches out, cupping my jaw, the warmth of her skin a soothing caress.
"I know," her words husky with the weight of her emotions, "I love you too Ben." She drops her hand and I feel bereft. "Get some sleep."
I sigh and close my eyes. I know when she leaves all that awaits me will be nightmares.
Rest is not something I find easily, even with my injuries. I listen the quiet steps she makes, taking her further from my side.
My heart a heavy bruise as the door slide shuts behind her.
I am left with nothing but the sound of machines and my own thoughts for company.
