Blind Alley
I'm standing in my father's office at school. We are both quiet. He doesn't look at me but stares at the screen of his computer. I'm not sure how long we have been here like this. I hear the clock ticking on the wall, but that is the only sound there is. I wait for him to say something, to dismiss me, but he doesn't move a muscle.
This is getting ridiculous.
"If that was all," I say finally, "I'll be going."
He doesn't reply anything, doesn't even look at me. Just stares at the computer screen which has turned black by now.
Ignoring me completely, huh? Well, whatever. Without bothering to bow, I turn around and leave the room.
.
.
The class… is boring. Shishito-sensei seems even more tired than usual. The bags under his eyes are huge, and he keeps on pausing in his speech, as if suddenly losing the track of his thoughts. Even my classmates seem somehow dull and lifeless. Is our loss to 3-E in the finals still eating at them? I get that, I really do… but we can't dwell on it. High school entrance exams are coming, they have to shape up for that. And I have to set them an example. So I try to be at my sharpest today, giving them little encouraging nods and smiles when they seem to be faltering.
Then I happen to spot Uyeda staring straight at me. She looks… simply messed up today. Did something happen to her? I give her my friendliest smile, and out of nowhere she bursts into tears.
I freeze. Wait, what? What's that about? Have I done something? I feel like I should say something, but as I have no idea what just happened, I find myself at a loss.
Her friends rush to her, take her out of the class. Shishito-sensei follows them and comes soon back in.
He clears his throat, giving the class a listless look. "If anyone else… doesn't feel good and would like to go home, it's alright."
There's a moments silence. Then two girls stand up and leave, heads bowed. I glance behind me, confused. "What is this?" I whisper to Ren, but he doesn't answer, just sits there, eyes tightly shut, squeezing his pen so hard it might break.
I turn back to our teacher who seems to be still collecting himself. Okay, I have to say something.
"Alright, everyone!" I say, standing up. "I know it's hard to face up after you've given something your best and failed, and it might feel like things won't ever get any better, but we must get through the hard times too, never giving up. If we remain strong, we can make the future better. And when something is troubling you, it is better to throw yourself into your work than to just sit there dwelling on your sorrows. So, sensei, please continue the class!" I finish, turning back to our teacher.
He is quiet a little longer. "Well, let's continue, then," he finally says and turns back to the blackboard.
I sit down with a glance behind and see that Ren has picked up his pen, ready to take notes with a focused look on his face. I nod a little. Good.
.
.
…it's a nice day. I'm standing near the main entrance, leaning against the wall, watching the blue sky above me. The weather is a bit chilly, and I turn my face into the sun. I can't yet feel its warmth at all, but it won't take long before spring comes and the school year ends. For some reason, someone has brought flowers here. Their smell is lovely, and they remind me of spring as well.
I should probably go in soon. I think the classes are starting. I just don't really feel like moving at all.
.
.
Today, classes are cancelled. I go to inquire the reason from my father, and find him in his office, standing by the window, looking out. Something in the scene is bothering me, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
"What's going on?" I ask him. Now he turns to me, giving me a long look, but he doesn't say anything.
"The school isn't in trouble, is it?" I go on. "This isn't somehow connected to your shady dealings with the E class?"
Still he remains quiet, now leaning against the glass, once again turned away from me. The uneasy feeling I got intensifies, and I honestly just want to get out of here.
"I should hope not," I say still. "I wouldn't want this to interfere with my final year of junior high."
"Why don't you get back to your studies then, Asano-kun," he finally says. "I thought you wouldn't want to be caught dead slacking off."
"Fine," I say stiffly. "I'll be in the library, then."
He says nothing.
.
.
It's time for the student council to meet. I'm sitting in my chair, waiting for the others, and one by one they start to arrive. Ren sits down next to me and gives me a low-spirited look.
"Is something wrong?" I ask him, but he looks away saying nothing.
Fine, be like that then.
Everyone else arrives and takes their places. "Evening," I say, standing up. "Let's get started. Today, we need to…"
"Thank you for coming, everyone," Ren speaks over me, and I blink at him. "I think… the first thing we should decide is what to do about the…" he pauses, swallows. "Well, you know. Shall we appoint a new president, or…?"
His voice trails off. I stare at him, not believing my ears. "Excuse me? What do you think you are babbling about, Sakakibara?"
Araki sighs. "I… do we need to? I think the council… can function as it. If we… share his duties…"
"What has come over you lot?" I ask sharply. "Share whose duties? Mine? Do you imagine I'm somehow incapable of taking care of them? Or is this some weird way to tell me to take a break?"
They are quiet, none of them looking at me. I shake my head, still angry. "If you're done with your foolishness, then perhaps we could…"
"I think Araki's right," Koyama cuts me off this time. "There's just a couple of months left of the school year, surely we'll manage until then."
There are concurring noises. I stare at them, unbelieving. What is the matter with them?
"Well then." Ren clears his throat and takes some papers out of his bag. "Now, if you would all take a look at thes—"
"Why are you ignoring me?!" I shriek, swiping at the papers in his hands. They fly up in the air. Everyone gasps, someone screams. Ren falls backward, crashing to the floor, wide-eyed. I don't care. "Stop ignoring me!" I scream down at him.
The papers float softly down around him. He takes a shivering breath. Then another. Then he starts sobbing.
"Shit," Koyama whispers. "What just happened…?"
"Are you okay?" Araki and Seo are bent over Ren, helping him up. "You didn't hurt yourself, did you?"
No one gives me a single glance.
I don't like this. This isn't how things are supposed to be.
This.
Isn't.
.
.
I blink.
I'm standing by the wall near the main entrance, leaning against it. What was I doing here again? I frown a bit. Weird. Did I fall asleep against the wall or something? I don't feel tired at all, though. Maybe I just came here to get some fresh air during the break… though it seems to be evening. I should be home already.
I stretch a little and I'm about to leave, when I notice a redheaded boy walking toward me.
Akabane? What's he doing here, on the main campus?
He stops in front of me, looking grim and tight-lipped, his eyes downcast. A long while he just stands there in silence.
"Akabane," I say then, beginning to get annoyed. "What do you want?"
Still he is quiet. Just when I'm about to give up and walk away, he starts speaking.
"Asano," he says, his voice strangely tight. "I just wanted to say…"
He falls silent again. "Yeah?" I ask, curious despite myself.
After another long silence he shakes his head angrily. "What does it matter anymore," he mutters, tosses something he had been holding to the ground and walks away. I look after him with a frown. If I didn't know better, I'd say he looks depressed… head and shoulders bowed, none of his usual spark in his steps. Is something wrong with him?
I look down and see a single white chrysanthemum lying on the ground.
.
.
Days pass much in their old vein, but I've started to notice a few things. For one, the teachers never ask me anything anymore. It's fine if there are others who also want to answer, but if I'm the only one with my hand up, why do they ignore me? When we do group or pair works, I'm always left out. That's fine too, for it gives me a chance to walk around and help those who need help – except that they seem to be paying no attention at all to what I'm saying.
I have now explained to Yamaguchi and Sawada three times how to solve the problem they're stuck on, and still they don't get it. "Are you guys listening to me?" I ask them.
"Perhaps," Yamaguchi says, "we should start from this part of the equation…"
"No. I told you. I told you! Listen to me!"
No reaction. What the hell. I glare at them a moment and march then to the blackboard. I grasp a chalk and start writing on it in large letters. Once I'm done and turn back to the class, I see that no one's still paying any attention to me. I cross my arms and wait.
Finally Koyama happens to glance at the blackboard. He freezes, and for a moment I'm happy to have finally caught someone's attention. Then he breathes out, "Who wrote that?"
Everyone stops and looks at me. Or no, not at me. At the blackboard. I glance at it and my message.
STOP IGNORING ME
"Who do you think wrote it?" I ask, annoyed. "How about the guy standing right next to it!"
"Is this a prank?" the teacher says. He starts wiping it away. "Everyone, finish your exercises."
"Do I look like I'm joking?!" I shout. "Do I? Look at me!" I wave my hand in front of his face, but he just keeps on wiping, and in a sudden burst of anger I wrest the sponge from his hand and throw it across the room. "I told you to look at me!"
There is a scream – I think I hit someone with the sponge. I don't pause to look, though.
"Why don't you people look at me!" I spin to glare at the class, slamming my hands against the teacher's desk. It falls over.
People jump up. There is more screaming. I just stand there, panting, staring at the fallen desk. I didn't realize I'm that strong.
.
.
"Don't you have anything to say?"
I'm in my father's office, standing in front of his desk like so often before.
"About what?" I ask. He frowns.
"About disrupting the class. You of all people."
"Oh." I remember the desk. That was a bit much, even though they were being quite rude. "I'm sorry," I say. "I overreacted."
"Absolutely." He waits a moment, and as I say nothing more, he sighs. "I'm disappointed, Asano-kun. I would have thought you were brighter."
"Oh?" I repeat, now more sharply. My back straightens on its own. "I'm sorry," I go on then, my voice heavy with sarcasm. "Have you ordered them to treat me like this for some reason? Is this some messed up test of yours?"
Once again he falls quiet, turning to look out of the window. He barely ever looks at me these days. Doesn't even glance at me when I pass him in the corridors. Doesn't raise his eyes from his computer when I come to his office. Or then he just stares out of that goddamn window.
"Your collar's stained, just so you know," I mutter as he remains quiet, and leave.
I'm walking across the yard toward that one spot by the wall where people still bring flowers. It is a little gloomy – the flowers are mainly white, with just a few yellow or purple ones scattered among them – but I like them. It feels so peaceful, watching them.
When I approach the place, I see someone is there, crouching by the flowers. Coming closer I see it's Ren. He's going through the flowers, I think he's taking away the wilted ones.
"What's up with all these flowers?" I ask him, but as usual, he doesn't answer me. I'm beginning to grow used to that.
He is holding one in his hand. A wilted white chrysanthemum… is that the one Akabane brought? Only now I notice there's a small card attached to it. It's blank without pictures, just one sentence written on it. Ren is reading it, and I too read it over his shoulder. I don't understand it, though.
I'd rather have the second place forever than this
Ren's shoulders shake, and suddenly I realize he's crying. He slumps down to sit on the ground, tears start rolling down his cheeks, he is sobbing aloud, and I don't know what to do.
"Hey," I say, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Come now, it can't be that bad."
He just cries on. I sit there with him. It's the only thing I can do.
.
.
It's night. I don't know what I'm doing at school, but here I am, wandering through the empty corridors. Where am I going? How did I come here? Why can't I remember…
I walk through each floor, trying to find someone or something that would explain to me what is going on, but there is no one around. The empty corridors and classrooms are nearly spooky, and I keep on getting startled at nothing. I pause in the highest floor and think briefly of going to the roof. The night-time view of the city might be worth seeing…
But the roof is off-limits, and even though there is no one to see me, I'm not about to start breaking school regulations. Besides, I don't really want to go there in the first place.
Another pause behind my father's door. I don't know why, but I'm sure that if I were to walk in, I'd find him sitting behind his desk. It makes no sense… why would he be here this time of the day?
Why am I here this time of the day?
I shudder a little, and it's almost like a wind blew through the corridor, rustling the papers on the noticeboard. Has someone left a window open?
…I should leave. Go home. Before father (who has to be home too) notices I'm gone. I don't know how I'd explain this to him.
That's what I'm planning to do, but somehow I end up by the flowers. I kneel down among them and feel their sweet smell. The restlessness within me begins slowly to evaporate. Maybe I spend here a short moment, just to calm down a little.
.
.
Again I'm in my father's office. Again he is watching out of the window and not at me.
"I have to confess that I don't get this," I'm saying. It pains me to admit this aloud, but it's the truth. "I thought first this is something you have done. That you're trying to… I don't know, somehow pit my influence against yours, and have told everyone to ignore me. But… even you could never get the entire school to do that! Even the E class, when they came to the assembly… they nearly walked over me!"
"Through you, more like it," father puts in. "I saw it."
"What?" I say irritably. "Stop talking nonsense, would you! I just want to know what is going on."
"And I'm telling you it's something you need to figure out yourself." He sounds annoyed, too. "Honestly, Asano-kun, you are not this slow! Are you just in denial?"
"About what?" I ask, but he just glares at me. He looks genuinely angry, as if he truly expected that I would know what he is talking about. It makes my anger rise too, and I lock my eyes with his. "About what?!"
Something prickles in the air as we stare at each other. I feel a shiver, then trembling. The desk shakes, the window glasses rattle, and I shoot a glance around.
"Is that an earthquake?!"
"Hardly," father says, but doesn't elaborate. I give him one more glare, but this time it's just out of duty, without much ire. His anger seems to have subsided, too.
He's not going to tell me anything. Why did I imagine differently? He has never given me any information free, why would this time be different.
I just don't know how long I can deal with this.
Looking at him I notice something and frown. "Why are you wearing that dirty shirt again? I've told you before, it's stained."
"Really now, Asano-kun," he says dryly, and turns again to look out of the window.
Something is off here. I know I've thought of that before, but now the feeling is stronger than ever. I watch my father as he sits there, looking out. Everything about the scene is perfectly normal. I can't even see the stained collar from this angle. I try to follow his gaze, wondering what he is watching all the time, but I see nothing of interest, and my eyes return to—
Suddenly it clicks. I can only gape at what I see… or don't see, rather. There are the reflections of my father's desk and chair in the window. But there is no reflection of him.
I stare at him and, as if sensing my realization, he turns to look at me.
"Very good, Asano-kun. Now, there are two more things: something else you can't see, and something you should see, but you're choosing not to."
"Choosing…?" I whisper. For some reason my eyes are drawn to that stain on his shirt. It's weird. Why would he keep on wearing a dirty shirt? What is that stain? It's a dirty reddish-brown, on the side of the collar, somehow it doesn't look like he'd have spilled food on it… and I can't imagine father being clumsy like that.
I realize it's not just his collar, but that reddish-brown stuff is smeared also on his cheek. And on… I swallow.
Father stands up and walks to me. I want to look away from the wound on his temple, but I can't. It's small and round, surrounded by seared, blackened skin. It's…
"Oh god," I whisper. "You've been shot."
"Yes," he says approvingly. "And from that follows…?"
Shot. My father has been shot. In the head. There is blood… blood on his… shot…
I feel a scream rising in me and I don't even try to hold it in. I spun around and rush out, still crying aloud.
"Help! Someone help, my father's been shot!"
It's breaktime, there are people in the corridor, but no one reacts to me in anyway. I see one of the secretaries walking toward me with a cup of coffee in her hand, and I run to her. "Chiharu-san! Help! Call help, please, father's been shot…!"
She pays as little attention to me as everyone else has for the past days. I ty to get a hold of her, but somehow she keeps on slipping out of my fingers. For a moment I grasp her arm, and her hand jerks. The coffee spills on her hand and she yelps.
"Oh, are you okay?" A passing student offers her a tissue.
"She is fine!" I scream at them. "My father's not! He's been shot!"
They don't react in any way. Chiharu dries her hand, chats a little with the student, they laugh at something, and I snap.
ẃ̸̗̤̤͆h̸̟͓̼̏̅ͅy̶̡͚͈̽̈́ ̸̢̛͈͈̠͘d̷̢̠̏o̴͚̿n̵̨̖̖̰̕̕'̶̣t̶̝͍̼͖̏̑̿͠ ̶̗̻͋̂̾͜͝ͅy̸̝̬̰̗͐̇̂̈ō̴̼̽̾͘u̵̢̜̺̐͜͝͝ ̸̝̦̅l̸̡͂̎̎̈́i̸̢̱̗̙̽s̷̨̫͍̒̑͜t̸̰̦̭͔͊̋̂͋ē̴̞̰̠̯n̴͚̄͌ͅ ̴̛͖̻̿t̸̟̍̈̊̆o̶͈͂͠ ̸̖͌̀͋͂͜m̷̡̳̃͠ḙ̸̻̙̌͆̕ ̶̺͉͚͛ŵ̴͕̖ḩ̶̽ÿ̷̹́͛ ̵̻͈͉̿d̴͎͑̂ȏ̸̮̠n̸͉̆'̷̰̝͚̈́͝͝t̶͓̫͗̆͝ ̸̞̝͚̈́̐̚ỳ̴̨̿o̶͎͛ủ̵̙̫͕ ̵̡̯͂͝l̵̤̃͐̐i̵̧̞s̴͈͐̈́ͅt̸̨̡͇͌͝e̶̱̽͐̆n̵̤͆̏͋ͅ ̶̦́̑̇t̵̖̠̙o̸̲͗͊ ̶̛͔̩̖̂m̷̰͆̈ȇ̴͇͛ ̵̝̟̭̦̈w̷͓̤̍̉͠ͅͅh̷͇̣̗̬͋͒y̸̩̙͗ ̷̧͔̼͐͂d̷̜̲̿ö̶̭́̃̿ń̴̥͔̈'̴̹̹̻̼̃t̷̮̩̪͌ ̴̝͓͒y̷̲̗̕ò̴̡͈̱͙̔̉u̸̟̬̣͂̓͛ ̷̡͍͔̲l̶̬̼̼͚̿ī̴̧̮ș̶̖̪̓̊t̵̡̠̃̾ḙ̴̻͌͝n̴̬̭̥̄̂͐ ̷̧͈͖̪͑t̷̠̑̎͝ȯ̸̪ ̴̤̘͖̼̇͛̍͝m̴͖̙͎͆̈́ẽ̴̤͙͕̰͆̌̚ ̴͎̰̞̄͌͂͑
A wind rises, blows through the corridor making people stumble when it passes. It hits Chiharu and the student, they grasp each other for support, gasping, and the coffee falls to the ground. There are shouts, screams, and above it all, I hear my father calling, "Asano-kun!"
And I'm outside, by the flowers.
The flowers which have always soothed me, made me feel better. Now, I look at them and I suddenly realize what they are.
"Who died?" I say aloud.
"Don't you still know?"
I glance behind and see my father watching me.
"…are these for you?" I ask hesitantly. It feels wrong. Why would there be flowers for him out here?
He sighs. "Asano-kun," he says. Then, more softly, "Gakushuu."
I look at the cards among the flowers. I remember Akabane standing here, about to tell me something and then just walking away. I think of his card. Of Ren crying. How everyone is ignoring me. My father's reflection not appearing in the window glass… and mine lacking from it too.
Suddenly I'm on the roof. I'm on the roof, at the edge, someone is shouting, I look back but I'm not stopping now, not now, one step and I'm in free fall, I'm free, the sky above me so endlessly blue, and then…
"No," I say.
"I'm sorry," father whispers. "I'm more sorry than I could ever tell you."
I glance at him, wince, and look away. I can't bear to look at the wound on his head.
"How do you suppose you look like, after having fallen from the roof?" he says flatly, and I wince again.
A moment I crouch there in silence amid all the flowers my friends and classmates keep bringing for me.
"So what happens now?" I ask then, looking up at father.
He offers me his hand and pulls me up.
A/N: A bit of explanation: Gakushuu was dead through the whole thing, but Gakuhou was still alive in the first scene. The day when classes were cancelled was when he was found in his office, dead.
As for Gakushuu's question, I don't know. Perhaps they move on together, to afterlife or reincarnation or whatever. Or perhaps they stay behind, and the school will from now on be haunted by both of them.
...I prefer the latter. Perhaps with time they learn how to communicate with the living, and to change their appearance so that they won't give anyone nightmares (unless that's what they want to do) and so Kunugigaoka ends up being run by a ghost principal and his ghost son...
Oh, and this fic was greatly influenced by a plot bunny about ghost Karma by Just_an_Awkward_Person (check out Prune the Temptation on AO3. Strongly recommended!)
Thank you for reading, comments are always appreciated! ^^
