[ The Human Condition ]
Chapter XXIX: Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

❝We are all mistaken sometimes;
sometimes we do wrong things,
things that have bad consequences.
But it does not mean we are evil,
or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.❞
Alison Croggon


**Songs of the Chapter: A New Kind of Love by Frou Frou, Starting Line by Luke Hemmings

Forgiveness is a lot like a warm hug on a winter day. You don't know you need it, but when you're on its receiving end, the world goes alight with fever. The tingles fade, and your soul thaws. You never know how badly the cold is affecting you, how badly the guilt is eating at you, until that warm hug swoops in, pulling you through arctic cyberspace. Embracing you like an old friend.

You can breathe again.

I didn't know I needed forgiveness. I didn't realize the guilt was tearing me apart.

There was always the now, never the then or the after.

I didn't know I was shivering or that my digits were numb. I didn't realize I was going under, sinking beneath the weight of an anchor.

Until I was greeted like an old friend.


The responsible parties trickled in, and I could never guess who I would face next. First was Paul, of course. Less than an hour after I arrived back in La Push with Dad in tow, he was throwing rocks at my window, eager for a reunion. When we touched after what felt like years of separation, I felt like depravity personified. He was a warm hug. Paul, I mean. And there was nothing said about stupid me, stupid this, stupid that. Stupid everything. Paul was mad, but his anger wasn't directed at me. His anger was circumstantial.

He was worried. Worry didn't translate to rage, indicting me for a crime I possibly deserved a life-sentence for. He forgave me wordlessly, like a mother would her runaway son.

The next morning, Paul left. I was fast asleep at the time. He didn't leave a note or rouse me for a conscious farewell, but I knew without question just where he was going, what swept him from my shore. Paul was going to Sam. Maybe he had patrol, or maybe he was acting on a previous order, potentially the order to tell Sam anything and everything I mentioned about vampires.

I got up, took a shower, towel-dried my hair, put on a change of loungewear. I laid back in bed in the exact spot Paul had vacated. Both me and Paul were left-side people; I was gracious enough to let him take the left side when he stayed over. It hadn't been much of a pressing issue last night but the positions remained as they were, anyway.

I padded to the living room and was turning on the TV when the doorbell rang.

At first, I didn't know what to think of the doorbell ringing so soon after the worst week of my life. Was it a vampire that snuck past the pack? Was it Mr. Meadows, wondering why the hell I had a truancy record and was falling behind in my classes? Was it Kim, looking for Jared?

I approached the door with caution. There was no knowing just who was outside it.

Our front door had a peephole. I could have used that and been able to avoid socializing for another day, but something in me was beyond fretting.

When I flung open the door, I didn't have an exact expectation of what I'd see on the other side. That still didn't stop me from raising my eyebrows at the sight of Embry Call.

Embry.

"Uh... hi? I guess?" I said as a greeting. Not my best, but certainly not my worst.

Memories passed by of our shared jokes, our wolf brawl bet, our master's degrees in provocation. My heart ached, knowing I could have ghosted such rare camaraderie.

That cute little smile of Embry's, the one he did when he was a nervous wreck hiding behind boyish charm, slithered onto his mouth. One side was quirked up where the other was still set in a frown, like there were cracks beneath the act. "Hey," he said awkwardly. He looked me up and down, and that cute little smile dropped. "I thought you were gonna look less whole."

I deadpanned, "I don't think I'd survive having one of my limbs torn off."

Wordlessly, Embry looked at the ground. He was so withdrawn, curled in on himself without a likely influence in sight.

It was then I remembered the last time we talked. School hallway, more an argument than a conversation between friends.

Oh. He feels guilty, I thought. The clarity didn't feel like a kick in the teeth, but my heart gave another ache. My body thrummed with a new fire. And the guilt isn't just from what happened with Dad.

I frowned, leaning against the doorway. "What's wrong, Embry?"

Embry jolted up. When he looked at me again, his eyes were round like UFO saucers. I'd bet money that he didn't expect me to ponder after his wellbeing.

"I feel..." He stopped. His nervous eyes flickered around, never staying in one place. "I feel bad."

Of course you feel bad, Embry. Everyone does when they see someone's life falling apart right in front of them.

"You're not a vampire or my Dad," I said lightly. "What could you possibly feel bad about?"

That wasn't an accurate sentiment to portray. Embry wasn't an abuser, but he did perpetuate a cycle of vicious blame and ignorance. I was a natural in knowing when I was in the right or the wrong, so Embry's words did go straight over my head. But that didn't mean I was okay with him taking Kallie's side. If Paul was being a self-righteous asshole, I'd know whether to call him out or leave him to his own devices. But Paul was pretty centered in his own dickish tendencies. I never really had to scold him. Honestly, it was really me that warranted scolding these days. Minus the anger issues and affinity toward violence, Paul was mature.

He was even mature when it came to the imprint bond. Embry, on the other hand, let his feelings for Kallie warp his perception of her. Instead of seeing her as a human prone to mistakes, he saw her as a do-not-wrong saint. I could understand the misinterpretation, but that didn't mean I agreed with it.

"I really like Kallie, but she said and did a lot of awful things to you," Embry said, his tone small and demure. "I'm really sorry. I did what Jared did and jumped to conclusions, and you didn't deserve that. You wanted me to listen. I didn't. And I'm really, really, really sorry."

Forgiveness.

Warm hug.

I wasn't a shifter. I couldn't use Embry's heartbeat as a tell for genuinity. Despite that, I knew Embry was earnest. I knew his words were transparent. Where lying came to vampires as easy as killing, Embry was a human puppy who couldn't bear when other people were mad at him. He was always the first to surrender his arsenal, white flag waving at the ready.

Forgiveness was like a warm hug.

"No sweat, Embry," I said. Finally, finally I let a smile slip. "Sure, I was pissed at you for a while, but I get it. Me and Paul, we're not like the rest of you. We've known each other for years. Everything's new for you, but it never was for us."

And that was something that admittedly applied to them all, Jared included. Their love stories were novelty. Mine was a years-old news story. Maybe we only truly connected about Paul phased, but the feelings were already there. The imprint bond only made them flourish.

Embry's mouth was still downturned in a frown. His jaw was tense, a nerve tick, tick, ticking away.

I rolled my eyes and held out a hand. "C'mon, wolfboy. Let's shake on it. We've got more pressing matters to worry about, not some stupid, teenage, mushy-gushy love issue."

My friend eyed the outstretched hand hesitantly.

I forgave you the night you hurt me, Embry. Don't leave when I need your friendship the most. Don't let your guilt do this. Don't abandon me.

I wouldn't beg, even if I really didn't want to lose him.

My eyes never strayed from Embry's figure. He looked up from my hand, meeting my gaze. He was thinking.

His warm hand slid into mine, shaking it firmly.

I grinned and squeezed our palms together. "Just don't do it again. Got it?"

Embry blinked but got the picture, bobbing his head in agreement.

Apparently Embry skipped out on the first twenty minutes of his patrol with Paul on the treaty border to come seeking forgiveness, so he didn't stick around long afterwards. He stayed long enough to inquire after what I was doing today, and I gave him a brief summary of my couch potato plans. Then he was hugging me goodbye. Then he was hightailing it into the woods. I watched him go.

I couldn't tell if it was the warm hug or another influence, but I felt significantly lighter.


After three consecutive episodes of MTV Cribs, I ventured to Dad's bedroom. We hadn't talked since the drive home, and the radio silence was making me a little nervous. Part of me was expecting to find him sitting at his desk, scribbling away at a new plan to abandon La Push and go on another vampire-clobbering spree.

Speaking of vampire-clobbering sprees, I still didn't understand the motivation behind killing Volturi members when Dakota had always been their loyal dog. Was that a hidden ambition? Arcus did mention the darkest part of Dakota, his ambitions, were what tainted Dad until he was an unrecognizable violent monster keen on murderous rampages. And Aro had powerful allies with Gifts that significantly enhanced loyalty.

I took my time heading to the corridor of rooms and trudging up to his. The door was completely shut. My heart pounded as I poised to knock, knuckle hitting the wood twice.

Seconds trickled by. Then minutes. I knocked another two times.

This is like that time I went to Billy's house and there wasn't anybody home, I thought, eyes going small and narrow.

I pressed an ear to the door, felt the cold warm send tingles through my left cheek. "Dad, are you in there? I need to talk to you."

This time, I didn't have to wait long for an answer. Just as I inched away from the door, it was pulled open, revealing my Dad in all his grouchy-face, wrinkled-clothes glory.

He glowered down at me. "What?"

I was suddenly lost of words. I peered around him, noticing how dark the room was, sunlight obscured by a shroud of black curtains. Then I turned my attention back to Dad again. He looked like he just woke up.

"Uh, I just wanted to make sure you were okay," I said awkwardly.

"I'm okay."

I surveyed him. Neither of us bore physical scars from our confrontation with the Volturi, but that didn't mean Dad was okay. He carried fragments of a killer's soul, and said fragments were turning his own soul dark. It was only a matter of time before he reattempted an escape. Next time, it wouldn't be so easy to hunt him down and bring him home. It wasn't really my responsibility to pick up his messes, but being his traveling maid was a better alternative to being an orphan.

Soon, I would have to take him to this Elaine character Alice mentioned. She had a power that could fix him. And maybe then we could learn forgiveness together.

"You're not okay, but that's alright. I'll fix you," I told Dad. His brown eyes squinted, unreadable in their scrutiny, but I didn't dare act like I was afraid of him. I flapped one of my hands. "You don't even know what you're saying, probably. Right?"

He was empty, a tank running on fumes. Again, it wasn't my responsibility to glue back his broken pieces, but there wasn't a single other person who would prioritize his well-being over the pack or that idiotic vampire-lover, Bella Swan. And I wasn't really prioritizing my father. I had other things I cared about more than him, but knowing there was a way to erase his Dakota-inspired conception made it a lot easier to care, to worry, to think.

He was mendable, as long as Elaine could truly manipulate memories.

"I know what I'm saying," Dad said brusquely. One of his hands was holding the door frame, like he intended to close it on me the second he had the chance. "I cannot say the same for you. You sound anxious."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not anxious, I just..." Total lie. You're anxious. "I needed to make sure you didn't run off. Try not to run off, okay? I don't want to chase after you. These legs were not made for running."

Apparently Franken-Dad was a stand-up comedian now because he stared at my legs then said, "Clearly."

How fucking rude.

"Okay, well, cheers to sleeping off all the marble on your hands," I said peppily, stepping away from the door. "I'll be... somewhere."

Somewhere, more like growing roots in the couch and snoozing through an MTV marathon.

"Okay." Dad closed the door without saying another word.

Huh.

I could have called him every name under the moon, but I understood that the atrocious personality was circumstantial. He'd change eventually. I just had to wait.

But I also had to be his crutch.


Some say negativity is like a leech that sucks you dry. And resentment, it's like a black cloud hanging over you whichever way you go, whichever direction you turn. Both fester. Both rot.

In the absence of my father—my father who made mistakes and called me out on my language and kept secrets and freaked out when I was sick and hated seeing me hurt and tried his best while not having a fucking clue how to parent—I felt like I was drowning in negativity, sinking in resentment. I really needed a hug.

And the hug I wanted most was my father's.


I wasn't expecting anybody else to show up today. Paul and I were okay; Embry and I were okay. I was content with those changed tides, so long as nothing came to rip us away again. It was a damn shame I wouldn't yet have the conversation with my Dad, but the conversation was still an inevitability, just a delayed one. I didn't think about the others I still needed a talk with.

It slipped my mind that I had a brother waiting for the right moment.

It was well past midnight. Hours before, I vacated the living room couch and went to my room with a bottle of water and a bag of salt and vinegar chips nearing their expiration date in tow. I had a TV in my room, but it wasn't as big as the living room one and had multiple buttons missing on the remote. I turned on Disney Channel and got in bed. The chips had a bit of a stale taste, but so what? I was hungry.

It was a good thing Sue took care of the house and the bills while Dad was going through a midlife crisis.

Thinking about Sue made me remember what exactly happened the day I almost drowned. Harry was dead. Once Dad gained lucidity, he'd be devastated hearing he never got to attend the funeral. Hearing he didn't get to say goodbye. Hearing he was so far gone in Dakota's delusional grandeur that everything that mattered to Richard Cameron went down the drain. There was a plug where the faucet ran dry.

Hours into my new bed potato position, I had the lights off and the door shut. My bones nearly jumped from their skin pockets when there was a knock on the door.

"Alissa, are you in there?"

Jared.

An unfinished chip dissolving on my tongue, I couldn't deny the irony of this, of Jared knocking on my door, of the door being shut, of me lounging. Before everything went to shit, he did a similar routine at the behest of his own Big Brother Bear routine. He told my date to get lost, came here to rub it in my face, told me to avoid going outside. It was insane how that was only- what? Months ago, if even that?

"Alissa?"

I shook myself out of thoughts of the past. Memories were memories for a reason.

"You're a werewolf," I said loudly, rolling up the bag of chips and tossing it to the end of my bed. "Can't you tell if I'm here by using your wolfy senses?"

"Well, it's common courtesy to knock, isn't it?"

I rolled my eyes. "This isn't the south. We can skip the false pretenses, Jare-Bear."

Honestly, it was a shock to me that Jared's presence didn't send a pan of boiling hot rage down my body. All the ire, all the resentment, all the bitterness were long gone, replaced by a sleepy calm, like I was simmering under the effects of morphine. I wouldn't say Jared was forgiven. I wouldn't even say I thought Jared's shitty actions had solid reasoning behind them. All I could really say was that anger took a lot of energy that I couldn't afford. The same applied to grudges.

And besides, it was possible I could one day look past all of Jared's wrongs and my continuation of a hateful cycle.

"Okay," Jared said softly, ignoring my Kim-inspired nickname. "We should... talk. You know, if you're up for it."

Was I up for it? I bit the bullet most times Jared expected civility. He always said the wrong thing, enforced authority he didn't have, overlooked that I was a feeling, bruising human. Admittedly, he was just as young and immature as me. He had ten months that warranted him seniority, but neither of us ever properly reacted in arguments. Neither of us faced hardships like adults.

I could have blamed it on the lack of a mother figure in our life and the presence of a lying, deceitful father only recently recovered from alcoholism. That would have been the easy answer. But truthfully, Jared and I had been comfortable in ourselves until school. Peer evaluations led to one thing or another. Jared went in one direction, and I went in another.

It was possible that Jared resented me for butting in on this one part of his life that was never meant to involve his stupid little sister.

But the Jared behind my door sounded tired, sounded guilt-panged.

Him having sought me out was indication enough our estranged relationship weighed on his conscience.

Or he knows you're going to die and he'd like to make amends before then.

It was like making amends with the devil, but even I had ulterior motives: I didn't want shit to hit the fan before my past was put to rest behind me.

"The door's open," I muttered, knowing he'd pick it up no matter how quietly I talked.

An open invitation. Jared slipped through the door seconds after.

He closed and locked the door behind him. Then he was left to awkwardly hover. Given how compact my bedroom was, it was a little bit amusing to see an overgrown teenage shifter curl in on himself, like a coat in a luggage bursting at the seams. He was wearing a gray t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. He picked at a hem on the shirt, his eyes unsurely peeking up at where I was perched on my bed.

He didn't know what to say or do. He wasn't going to be the first to have something to say or do.

That, in itself, was a first.

I sat up, letting my legs hang off the bed. "What did you want to talk about?"

Jared's twiddling hands froze. "A... lot of things. Everything," he said.

"Do you have a starting place?" I probably sounded like I was toying with him, but really, I just didn't know how to approach a sibling reconciliation. Jared was difficult to read, and I was even harder. I couldn't tell whether he was nervous or being forced at gunpoint to apologize.

Don't tell me Sam Alpha-commanded him to come here...

Like Jared suddenly traded acquired curses with Edward, he said, "You probably think I don't want to be here. It's not that. I don't know what to say to you that won't sound insincere or stupid. We've both done a lot of dumb things lately, but the bigger idiot here is me."

I stayed silent, watching him grasp for words, the same words fumbling from his mouth like vomit.

He looked up. My throat went dry at the raw sheen of tears I saw in his eyes.

"I've hurt you so much the past year, Alissa. I thought I was doing it for a good reason, but it really wasn't. I hurt you, and I lost my best friend. And I keep making the same shitty mistakes, thinking things will go back to the way they were no matter what dumbass shit I pull. And then I physically hurt you, and I know you were doing that on purpose, but it was still me that sunk the claws in. You're scarred because of me. And that never would have happened if you weren't mad, Alissa. I brought it on myself.

"I broke our pact. Before, before the change, my friends made fun of me because you were my best friend, and I hate getting picked on. You know that. I'm sensitive. I should have chosen you over them, but I told myself you were my sister, you didn't have a choice in sticking around. They did. I thought I could have you both, just you in secret. But then they kept saying things, they still thought I was a pushover and a pussy, and then I didn't have either of you.

"I didn't blame you for losing every friend except Paul, I really didn't, but I got angry. I got jealous. It's nothing to be proud of, but I didn't want to lose you to Paul or Paul to you. I knew he had a crush for you. So I told him to leave you alone, too. He thought it was because I didn't want him around if all he wanted to do was screw my sister, but that wasn't the real reason. It was selfish of me, but I... I didn't want to switch places with you. I didn't want to feel lonely.

"And that wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all, to you or to Paul or to Dad who couldn't pick sides. I've hurt you so bad, and there's nothing I can say to take away from what I did. And that was just before. I've fucked up even worse now.

"I blew up on you about Kim, but that was unfair because you've always been reserved and hate talking about things to strangers and I only started dating Kim after I phased, and we weren't on good terms then. I can't say it was the imprint bond... I guess I just blame you for everything, even things I know aren't your fault. It's unfair. I know it's unfair. Everything I've done to you has been unfair. And I don't want to keep treating you that way, Alissa.

"I want to go back to when we were best friends," he whispered finally, and his voice broke.

We had tried to reconcile before, that day in Sue and Harry's house after I was subjected to one of Dakota's mental projections. We argued in the back of Bella's truck the day she learned the pack's secret. On a regular basis, we came close to hashing out our feelings and piecing together our severed bond. But miscommunications abound, we always fell short.

I surveyed Jared. He wasn't like Embry. His aura hissed like a snake in the grass, and there was nothing boyish about him. It was incredibly easy to read Embry, to infer his intentions, but Jared made it hard. Maybe, the difficulty came from his tendency to deceive, to hide, to argue.

Were we two peas in a pod? The same painting in different styles? Maybe. We were cut from the same genetic cloth, after all.

Before. Forgiveness for Jared's mistakes from before, the ones that lacked a supernatural touch.

Unsure, I looked down at my hands. "It's a little hard to say it's all water under the bridge," I said quietly. "You might say one thing but go around doing another. Actions speak louder than words. I don't know if I can trust this is the end of mindlessly hating each other."

"I never hated you," Jared said. "I was an idiot who took you for granted. I didn't appreciate you. I didn't respect you. And I know it's hard to believe, but I love you, Alissa, and I haven't been showing it. I want to show it."

Why though?

Why?

I snapped my head up, pinpointing him with a fiery gaze. "Look me in the eyes and tell me this isn't because you think I'm going to die, Jared."

"It isn't," he cried, and I watched him fall to his knees. The last thread stitching his composure shut fell apart. "It isn't. The guilt's eaten me up for weeks. And I love you so much. I love you, and I can't stand myself for hurting you, and there's too much going on, and I-I- "

Speaking of all the unfair things we said and did to each other, accusing him of being here because he feared my imminent death was shitty. Even if that did prompt him to my door, it was a valid reason.

I can't imagine Jared dying without making peace with him.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't- that wasn't right for me to say," I said. The ire shriveled away until it disappeared entirely. I peered down at Jared's crumbled, shaking figure. When was he ever so vulnerable? Had I even realized the Big, Bad Wolf had emotions until now? "I'll... I'll give you a chance, Jare-Bear. I want the same as you."

He sniffled, sounding like a giant fucking mess. There were tears blooming on the corners of my eyes, too—tears I refused to release.

We made a pact after our Mom died, a pact that was broken repeatedly.

"Together forever until the grass is blue and pigs fly high," I murmured softly.

Jared looked up. His eyes were glistening, all bloodshot and red. But there was the start of a smile, the start of a new beginning. "Together forever until the grass is blue and pigs fly high."

After. Forgiveness for after.

Sobering, I pinned Jared with what some would consider a teacher-like gaze. "I hope this means we can hang out again and you'll stop treating your girlfriend like she's flawless," I said.

Jared nodded and slowly got to his feet again. "We already had a talk," he told me. "You're my sister first. Kim understands that."

Does she? Guess we'll see about that.

I was a little skeptical, but hey, Jared at least knew his perception of Kim was borderline unhealthy. As long as he consciously tried fixing it, I'd give him and Kim the benefit of the doubt.

I gave him a thumbs-up in response. "It's good we got this all sorted out," I said to him. "That ugly-ass vamp in Volterra gave me a year and a half to live, so... I'd like to have no regrets when I pass on."

Jared eyed me like I had two heads. "Funny, Alissa. There won't be any 'passing on.'" He bent his fingers in the form of physical quotation marks. "Sam knows more than I do—Paul debriefed him, I think—but we'll do everything in our power to help. You know that, right?"

I was hoping- no, praying he'd say that. When I was left to my own devices, I didn't really know who I could depend on, aside from Paul. It was nice to know there were others in my corner. It was nice to know suicidal Bella Swan wasn't the only one warranting protection.

"I know now." I smirked. "There's a lot of things we gotta take care of, though. First, Fraken-Dad. He's out of harm's way, but the attitude has got to go."

Jared grimaced. "Yeah, I stopped to see him first. He's, uh—"

"A dick? Big surprise there." I perked right up, remembering vital information I'd forgotten to share with anyone who came to visit. "No worries, though. I know someone who can fix him."

The look of worry faded from Jared's tear-stained face. "Oh, really? Sweet!"

For another hour, we discussed Elaine. After that, Jared asked if I wanted to go to his room and watch Saw on his VHS player, and I jumped on the chance. Saw turned into a marathon of old Alvin and the Chipmunks movies, and I fell asleep. That was the first time since we were preteens that we slept in the same bed.

I couldn't say I hated it. I wasn't touch-starved, but I had gone far too long without brotherly affection. Without knowing we'd be alright.

Forgiveness was a warm hug, and I couldn't have been bothered to succumb to bitterness and negativity again, even though I had a warrant out for my death.


A night later, I made a phone call. It rang and rang and rang until finally, someone picked up.

"Hey, Roman? It's Alissa. I have a huge favor I need to ask you."

TBC


A/N: WOW SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING I FELL INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION AND TRIED TO KILL MYSELf. IM OK NOW BUT DAMN GUYS, who knew sadness could cause writer's block? i also just hate myself and think i'm worthless lol, kinda makes writing turn into this competitive rush against humanity where i end up thinking "ok this FUCKING sucks"

from now on... chapters will be 3000 - 6000 words :D hope that's ok!

Guest: Uhhhhh I'm sorry u feel that way? It's not for everyone lol

WolvesAlpha: Of course, I love reading your reviews! And thank you so much, I appreciate that a lot :))

.2021: Who knows? ;) the man is an unpredictable bastard hahaha

CrackHeadBlonde: Thank you so much!