AN: A little later in the day than I would like, but here is the next installment. Beware, things get heavy and emotional in this chappy. I foresee flashbacks and retelling to take place in this and coming chapters. Anyway, sorry for any mistakes. Enjoy the read, grab a tissue, and see you guys next week!


"I'm going to L.A., Cos, and I want you to come with me." Lexa caressed the girl's cheeks and looked expectantly down at her. It was a conversation she had been dreading for a while now, but she fought hard against the anxiety and pessimism to express her wishes. "We're approaching the finish line here, and I know I can't stay longer than I have to. Anya is going to help me get settled out there." She paused to lean down and peck the girl's lips. "We can live together. You can study out there. They have some of the best schools for engineering in California." Lexa kept stating her case, hopeful, but feeling the optimism diminish as Costia's silence echoed in her bedroom.

Lexa waited, her heart ticking like the timer on a bomb that Costia was about to detonate. She could feel it in the girl's touch, she could see it in the girl's eyes, she had made up her mind, and the answer was one that was bound to cut so deep into the both of them that the brunette could hardly lie in place and wait for it.

So she didn't. Despite the girl's insistent hands and fingers attempting to anchor her in place, Lexa pulled away from Costia's warmth and stood to get dressed. The stinging cold from the late winter air bit at her flushed skin, but she could care less.

"Lex, please. Stop." Costia finally voiced as she sat up in the bed and held the sheet close to her body. "You're being stubborn. Can you just sit for a minute and hear me out, please?" She urged softly.

"I think I know what your answer is. You don't have to explain it to me, I get it." Lexa knew she was being irrational, walking away without first talking through it, but the fear and anticipation of losing Costia ignited a fire inside her that burned so bright it hurt to be near the source. Even her eyes stung and threatened to overflow with tears.

"I want to go, I do. I would love to, but I can't just leave my parents behind, my sister, they all need me here." Costia stated dejectedly as she looked at Lexa's wandering form half-dressed and hard-pressed for open air.

"I said I get it, Cos." The brunette bit back harsher than she intended before she stopped to look at the girl. "Look, I'm sorry." She sighed as she finished buttoning her jeans. "I know what I'm saying is a lot to take in, and I know it's a big step." She nodded at Costia. "I know it is, but I love you. I want to go out to California to make a name for myself, and I want to do that with you by my side." Lexa exhaled and swallowed the rock in her throat. "I know it sounds harsh, but your family will be alright if you move out with me. Your parents are amazing people and your sister is smarter than both you and me. I know she will become something great someday. Maybe here, maybe not, but their lives are their own. Why are you so afraid to tell them you want to experience your own? Have you even told them you want to become an engineer?"

Costia sat in awe, not angry, but shocked by her girlfriend's words as they left her lips. "How long have you been holding that in, Lex?" She sat up straighter as she demanded an honest answer with her brown eyes.

Lexa stopped fidgeting as she fought the rising bile in her stomach. She looked apologetically at her girlfriend, but knew there was no taking back her thoughts now. "It's been a recurring theme in my worst nightmares." She admitted. "I leave and you stay, because you're loyal to a fault."

"Am I?" Costia nodded incredulously at the brunette as she waited for more words to cut into her.

"You are." Lexa replied but without malice, sympathy coating her words instead. "And I love that about you, but how much longer will you place everyone else's happiness before your own?" The brunette asked, her arms falling at her sides in defeat as they gripped her V-neck.

Costia stared through the clouded film of unshed tears as she shook her head slowly. Her words lost in a sea of responses and emotions that overwhelmed her.

"I don't want to force you into anything." Lexa wiped conspicuously at her own tears before she finally rolled the shirt over her chest and stomach. "I love you so much, Cos. The last thing I want is for you to be unhappy or for you to resent me for making you leave. If you want to stay, then you stay, but I will never stop trying to make you see that you deserve the world."

"And you're it, huh?" Costia retorted, but instantly regretted the words and she shook her head, upset with herself.

Lexa nodded with more tears fighting the race down her cheeks. "I guess that's what you would think I meant." The brunette shook her head. "Jesus, Costia, I'm not that selfish." Lexa returned as she laced up her shoes, realizing that fighting after a heated sex session did not go hand in hand with a quick escape.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry." Costia replied as she stood in a hurry with the sheet wrapped around her body. "Don't leave, we're not finished." She pleaded.

"Maybe not, but if I don't leave now we might be crossing a line we can't uncross." Lexa answered honestly. "I leave the week after graduation." She felt the need to share the information in case the girl changed her mind. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

Costia cried softly as she saw Lexa close the door to her bedroom, leaving her alone with her thoughts and choices.

They did see each other in school the following day, and they did sit together under their tree to eat lunch, but neither girl spoke about their conversation, and neither one parted ways with their customary kiss.

Despite the fact that they loved each other, the tension was obstinate, and a month had passed before either one addressed it.

Lexa walked up to the familiar door before she rang the bell and was met by a smiling face. The woman was quick to hug her before she ushered her in with excited talk about being pleased to see her again.

"Lexa, honey, it's been almost a month since you've been by. I was beginning to worry." The woman smiled at the brunette. "I'm glad you accepted Costia's dinner invite."

"It's been a hectic month. Senior year is not all fun and games, it seems." The girl responded and feigned a light-hearted smile in spite of the growing nervousness that took residence in the pit of her stomach. "But I'm glad Costia invited me over, Nia."

They made their way deeper into the house towards the family room before Costia's younger sister strode in with a wide grin. "Look who decides to grace us with their presence." She teased. "Where have you been hiding Lex, Costia's been intolerable."

Lexa laughed and shook her head as she sat on the sofa while they waited to start dinner. "I hardly consider planning out my future as going into hiding, Gaia." They smiled at each other. "You'll see for yourself soon enough."

A few minutes later, they all sat gathered around the table making small talk and eating. Costia's father would periodically tease the pair about the miracle that was them not being in the same room every day after school for the past month.

The girls would lock eyes across the table, but neither one would say much, instead alternating to smile up at the man with a shrug. "So, Lexa, Nia tells me that you've been busy mapping out your future. Have you decided on a school yet? Surely some have already accepted you." Rivo commented over his bite of food.

The anxiety she felt when she first walked in to the house tripled as she mulled over her response. Costia had not mentioned whether she wanted to tell her parents about her plans yet, and she was unsure about how to proceed with the question. She shared an imploring glance with her girlfriend before she swallowed to speak, saddened that Costia had not jumped in to rescue her. "Well, actually…"

"She still has time, dad." Costia interjected before Lexa could continue. "We both do." Lexa smiled.

"Not much time. You guys are a couple of months away from graduating. In fact, you guys have no time at all." Nia added with a motherly tone and a worried glare. "It's good to know you have at least chosen a career." She looked at her daughter.

Lexa pushed her food around while her foot bounced up and down anxiously under the table. She bit her bottom lip to keep from speaking as she looked warily at Costia. The silence reverberated in the dining room and every person at the table felt a shift in the air.

A fork clinked on a plate as Gaia cleared her throat. "Yikes. Cut the air with a knife why don't you." She attempted to ease the tension. "Anybody want more sparkling lemonade?" She offered as she made her way to the kitchen.

Everyone followed her exit with their eyes before the girls and Costia's parents returned to their food, stealing cautious glances at one another. "What's going on, Cos?" Rivo finally asked.

The girl shrugged as she cut into her chicken breast.

"I'm not sure I want to be a teacher anymore, that's all." Costia voiced as she looked fixedly at her food.

"But you've always said you wanted to teach." Nia began. "And with the programs around here you wouldn't have to dorm anywhere. You said you wanted to stay here while you studied." She argued.

"I know." Costia nodded with understanding. "That had been the plan, but I've been thinking about engineering for a while now, and I can't seem to shake it. Maybe it's my true calling." She defended as she finally looked up at her parents, casually skipping over Lexa's green eyes.

Her parents looked quietly at her before they nodded simultaneously. "We can't afford a fancy school, sweetie. You know that." Rivo began. "But I will not stop you from becoming what you want to become. If it's what you want, then do it."

Nia turned quickly to her husband and glared at him before looking at Costia. "You know I want you to be happy, but make sure that you're doing this for the right reasons."

"What are you insinuating?" Costia dropped her fork on her plate, careful not to appear as angry as she felt. "Say what you mean, mom."

Nia looked at Lexa who looked up apprehensively. "Lexa, sweetie, you know we love you, but do you have anything to do with this change of heart?"

The brunette inhaled and exhaled quietly before she shook her head. She was unsure whether she should be insulted or not, angry or not, but her emotions were definitely at an all-time high. "No." She choked out.

"Lexa has nothing to do with my intentions, mom. How could you think that?" Costia accused.

"Alright, let's take a second to calm down." Her father recommended. "Lexa, we meant no disrespect. Clearly emotions are on edge over this development. You can leave the table if you'd like, or you can stay. It's your choice."

There was a brief moment where she felt it would be better for all if she excused herself and joined Gaia in the kitchen, but one shared look with Costia had her sitting in place. "I'll stay. And I took no offense." She added.

Rivo nodded and pushed away his plate to lock his fingers over the table as he gathered his thoughts. "Nia, honey, I know we can't afford to send her to a prestigious school, but we can't hold her back because of that."

"There's financial aid." Costia added. "And I could work study wherever I decide to go."

Nia listened to her family as she nodded with a small sigh of defeat. "I'm sorry, honey. I overreacted. I'm only surprised that you want all of this when you seemed so adamant about staying nearby until you graduated college. I guess I was looking forward to having you here longer."

Costia nodded. "I know. But things change. I love you guys, but I need to learn for myself what it is that I really want to do."

Lexa shared a discreet smile with the girl before Nia nodded in agreement. "You're right." She then turned to Lexa. "Last time we spoke about this you were talking about becoming a writer. Is that still the dream?"

The brunette looked at Costia for any sign of disapproval, and when all she got was a shrug she responded. "Yes it is. I'm actually moving to Los Angeles this summer to start on that."

The admission sent a shockwave around the room and gasps of surprise echoed around them. Gaia rushed in with the bottle of sparkling lemonade in hand and her mouth agape. "Oh dear." Nia looked perplexedly between her daughter and Lexa. "This is an eventful dinner."

Gaia rolled her eyes at her mom and got straight to what everyone was thinking. "You're moving?"

Lexa nodded. "Yeah, my sister is fully on board with this and has offered to help me out."

"Um," Rivo started as he cleared his throat and looked to his daughter, her eyes downcast and her body slack as she pushed her plate away. "Maybe this is a conversation for a later time." He suggested, sensing that his daughter and her girlfriend had yet to iron out the plans with regards to their relationship.

Lexa looked around the table at the various expressions that inhabited their faces before she nodded. "We have things to figure out, but we'll come up with something."

"You are not taking my daughter with you." Nia cut through the silence, her outburst a surprise even to herself as she sat back in the chair with an apologetic shrug at the girls.

Costia's mouth fell open slightly as her eyes watered. She sensed her mother's reaction long before it came. If she had only given Lexa a hint that she shouldn't say anything yet, perhaps they could have avoided it, but it was done. "Mom, nobody said that I was going." She defended Lexa, not knowing the girl might take her comment the wrong way.

"Right." Lexa nodded her own eyes red with both frustration and sadness.

Gaia sat back and witnessed the exchange with a heavy heart. She sighed softly before she gulped the lemonade straight out of the bottle, wishing she was older, and that it was spiked with alcohol.

"Ok, I think we should all move to the family room for a quick movie so we can clear our minds." Rivo suggested, ever the pacifist.

"No." Nia declined as she stood with her dishes in hand. "I'm going to clean up. You guys go. Costia, think about what I said." She eyed her daughter cautiously. "Good night, Lexa." The farewell was not altogether cheeky, but its curtness did make the brunette cringe subtly.

"I'm sorry about that." Rivo commented as he stood to make his way out into the family room. The girls trailed behind him. "We really do not mean to sound disrespectful and clingy. You're like family by now, Lexa. I think everything just came out unexpectedly. She'll come around, and when you two talk about your plans, come to us and we'll figure it out." He nodded gratefully at the brunette before he kissed the top of Costia's head on the way to the sofa.

The girls stood at the door way while Gaia situated herself on the floor ready to settle down for the movie. Costia took the opportunity to lace her fingers through Lexa's. The brunette looked down at their hands and smiled into brown eyes before she pulled her towards the door. "I think I'm heading out. Good night. Thanks for dinner." Lexa announced before walking out with Costia in tow.

"I'm so sorry." Costia moved in to the circle of her girlfriend's embrace. "We need to talk about all of this on our own. I still don't know what should happen, but I know I want to be with you." She buried her face in the other girl's neck. "I don't want this to end."

"It doesn't have to." Lexa assured her with a tight squeeze. "We'll figure it out, Cos. I promise."

"Did you guys figure it out, eventually?" Clarke questioned as she moved closer to Lexa's body.

The girl nodded. "Her parents agreed to let Costia come with me." She smiled. "It took a substantial amount of convincing, and Nia was less than pleased, but they preferred to let her go then have her live with the guilt of doing it without their blessing. She enrolled in a community college and I enrolled in Chapman while we both worked to save money. It worked out. It was hectic, but it worked out." Lexa paused as she looked down at the blonde with reddening eyes. "We never knew life was going to go so wrong." Lexa spoke quietly as she ran her fingers gently up and down Clarke's arm. "We didn't know what was wrong for a few weeks, but after it was official, we spent our days tethered to our studio apartment because Costia was in so much pain." Lexa paused as she felt the memories resurface; Clarke trailed her finger tips down the girl's cheek in support. "She never complained, but I saw how raw her knees were from kneeling and emptying her stomach of nothing but bile. The chemo was so hard on her body that it completely ate away at her."

It wasn't just physically draining; the emotions and stress that came with the disease took a toll on all of them. Nearly every other phone call back home became an argument about what Costia should and shouldn't do. Where she should be treated, and who should be by her side. It brought out an ugliness in all of them that could hardly be taken to heart. Though the hushed voices assigning faults and resentment did sting, eventually apologies were whispered across miles and tears spilled freely unbeknownst to the callers on either sides.

Lexa and Costia spent a copious amount of time insisting her parents not travel back and forth unless anything happened, but they never listened. Sometimes both visited, sometimes only one flew out, but the lack of their support was never an issue. Even Gaia made appearances whenever school allowed.

Their company and Lexa's friends from Tassels were the only things that kept both girls smiling and free from negative thoughts.

Until they were alone and fitful sleep came to abrupt ends with writhing screams of pain and cold sweats.

Shhh. She always whispered soothingly as she embraced her with great care. "I'm here, Cos, I'm here. It'll pass." Her words were resilient, but her tears carried with them every ounce of pain and weakness she felt.

It was almost a year to the day since their relocation to Los Angeles that Lexa sat in the doctor's office with Costia snuggled close to her. Her weakened form and frail bones teetered on the edge of combustion from the pain of sitting in such a position. Yet not even the agony could tear her away from the person she loved most in the world.

"Ms. Rivers, Ms. Silva, thank you for waiting. Your parents elected to sit outside, but if you would like them to come in I can bring them in." Costia shook her head courageously. "Very well, as you know we have been monitoring your levels very closely and often." Both girls nodded. "It is quite evident that none of the remaining procedures have worked." Costia sighed with heavy defeat, but Lexa swallowed the sting of his words to be strong for her girlfriend.

"So are you saying we are out of options?" Costia murmured.

The doctor looked at her with compassion and nodded. "However, there are more experimental approaches, but those will carry a heavy toll on your body since you will need to be flown outside of the country to other facilities."

"Let's do it. Where do we sign up?" Lexa rejuvenated with hopeful excitement at the possibility of finding something that would bring back her Costia.

The girl beside her smiled sadly and wrapped her fingers around Lexa's arm to placate her. "Lex, I'm tired."

"You can't give up. You don't give up. Cos?" She mumbled with denial and confusion in her green eyes.

The doctor sensed the discussion that needed to be had and left the room. It took Lexa all of five seconds to invite Costia's parents into the office so she could convince them to side with her with regards to the next course of action. Tempers and emotions flared as choices were weighed and decisions were made. It was one of the worst days they had all share, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

But it was far from the worst.

Lexa stopped talking as she wiped at her tears. The emotions she felt back then swirled around and reignited the pang of fear and loss within her.

"She died two weeks later." She finished with a far-away look in her eyes.

TBC…

So on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being "I couldn't with the sadness", I think I'm guilty of a 10 when writing this. It was very difficult to put to words and harder to proofread just because it's a lot of emotions that many of us might relate to. Just know that you have people in your family and all over the world who feel them with you. On another note, it was very nice to get to know more about Lexa's struggle with her past. I can tell why she's been so closed off to people since. Hopefully Clarke can make her feel loved and cared for in the next chapter. Also, Nia, yes Nia, what are your thoughts there, huh?