AN: So I know last chapter was sad. This one will make you a bit mad, but I promise you will feel better by the end of it. Thanks for your continued support, guys! Sorry or any mistakes.
Clarke sniffled beside the brunette as she felt fresh tears making their way down her face. "I'm sorry, Lexa."
The girl nodded gratefully before sucking in a mouthful of air to collect her composure. "It was the hardest thing I have ever been through."
"Well, yeah, and you were very young. You were so strong when you stayed by her side." The blonde commented with a soft caress to Lexa's bicep.
"There was no other option. I wasn't going anywhere, so I had to be strong." She replied. "But after it happened, I had no strength left in me to fight for anything or anyone."
"Lex, I know you're hurting, but you can't just run away from the pain. Think about what you're leaving behind." Anya urged her sister to calm herself as she saw her move hurriedly from one end of the studio to the next. Her body was on autopilot as she stuffed clothing, shoes, and electronics into a duffle bag.
Lexa could hardly pay attention to what her only sibling was telling her.
The routine continued for several minutes before Lexa stopped in the middle of the studio to look around. Endless yet too few memories floated in the apartment, and the brunette could swear Costia's laugh still echoed against the walls. It was no longer comforting to know she had shared the space with such a beautiful soul, the notion now only a curse. One she had to get away from immediately.
"I'll be back, An. I just need time to process all of this." Lexa mouthed as she picked up her duffle bag.
Anya shook her head. "I don't think this is a good idea. You'll be alone down there. At least here you'll have your friends, and I can stay longer if you need me." She offered, but her sister shook her head slowly.
"I can't stay here. I'll call you when I get back. I love you." Lexa shrugged apologetically before she walked towards the door. "Rent is paid for through the rest of the month. You can stay here while you make arrangements to go back to Seattle. I'll let the landlord know I want out of the lease."
"Lex…"
"Bye, sis."
"Was that your stint in San Diego?" Clarke knitted her brows in question.
Lexa nodded and sighed. "Five months of moving around the city from motel to motel." She paused. "Every night was an adventure to try and numb myself. Luckily I was never into drugs, but the alcohol got me pretty good. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I liked to drink the strong stuff to drown out the memories faster. I worked under the table at various bars, which is how I learned my skill of bar tending." She smiled softly at the memory. "I met a lot of interesting people, some as messed up as I was and we partied together nightly until all of us ended up asleep in uncomfortable places and positions."
"Any girls?" Clarke asked genuinely curious about Lexa's rebellion against pain.
The brunette nodded again. "A couple. Nothing serious." She continued. "Later I met a tattoo artist, though. She was a free spirit that loved to drink and convince people to let her tattoo them." Clarke nodded, knowing where her story was headed. "The ones on my arm were inked on while she was a quarter into a bottle of Sailor Jerry. We all knew it was a bad idea, but when she talked through what the tattoo meant, and the confidence with which she worked even through inebriation, it nearly made me fall in love." She joked. "I sat through it and couldn't think of a better place to be just then."
There was a small laugh as Clarke traced the lines on the girl's bicep. "So what does it mean?"
"Steph knew I was in San Diego because of a lost love. She had no idea Costia had died, but the tattoo means the same regardless. Each of the heads represents a stage of love. Falling in love, becoming a couple, facing disillusionment, and creating a love that lasts forever. The endless swirls and lines stand for the continuous fight in each stage, succeeding, failing, but never giving up." Lexa finished as she looked over to Clarke who was looking at her rather lovingly.
"That's beautiful, Lexa." She nodded.
"It is." Lexa agreed with a small shrug. "Except I almost forgot and gave up on several occasions. I never wanted anything to do with love or connecting with others beyond friendship after Costia. The memory of losing her kept playing in my mind every time I thought I could finally move forward and open up."
"Have you remembered, then?" Clarke questioned with a heavy heart, suddenly feeling the insecurity creeping up as she listened to the way Lexa spoke. "How to open up, I mean."
Lexa stayed quiet for several moments not because she didn't want to answer, but because she was truly searching herself for what she felt and wanted moving forward. Clarke became increasingly nervous nonetheless. "At the expense of sounding extremely clichéd, you made me remember not to give up." The brunette turned to face her fully.
That was good enough for Clarke. "Right back at ya." Clarke responded before moving in to kiss her brunette deeply.
When they pulled apart they smiled before Lexa continued. "A couple of tattoos and endless therapy sessions with Steph and the liquor later, I decided it was time to face my demons. So, I kissed her goodbye, she smiled sadly and asked if I could see myself staying, and I simply smiled in return before waving goodbye. I know she had fallen for me, but even the tattoo couldn't remind me then. I hated that I left her that way, but I hoped she could understand." She looked embarrassed as she locked eyes with Clarke. The blonde only smiled and caressed her cheek. There was no judgement from her. "Indra was more than generous to let me back into Tassels, although she did make me work hard for it. It's been a couple of years now, and the lessons have been hard-learned, but I'm happy and in a stable place in life. Not to mention, I met this insanely gorgeous blonde with these killer boobs and I think she likes me."
Clarke laughed. "Lucky you." She teased.
"Yes, lucky me." Lexa kissed her again, but before she could press her into the mattress, Clarke pushed softly against her. The brunette looked curiously at her.
"I want to tell you my story before I get so wrapped up in you that I forget to."
"I make you forget your own name, I bet." Lexa smirked.
There was an obvious eye roll before Clarke responded. "Shut up."
Lexa sighed with a hint of frustration as she nodded in acquiescence. "Fine. Fine. But after…"
"Maybe. If you're lucky." The blonde cut her off with a grin.
"You guys just hit a rocky patch." Zoe attempted to placate the blonde who currently fidgeted with her brush.
There was a low snort as the blonde listened to the understatement from her friend Zoe. "I'm telling you, Zoe, he's different now. He used to be so sweet and considerate, and he liked spending time together while we worked on our projects. Now, I can't even get him to come over for that."
"But art is your guys' thing. Roan and you are like the unstoppable artistic couple of the century." The girl commented in rebuttal.
"He just seems distant now. I miss the Roan I fell for. He's a different guy a year and a half later." Clarke finally set her brush to her canvas, but began to bounce her leg anxiously. "He was my first, you know, it means something to me." She whispered to Zoe. "But if he's over it now, I don't know what I'll do."
Zoe shook her head dismissively. "Clarke, you don't believe he'd be over you for a second. That boy looks at you like he's crazy about you."
"He used to." Clarke deadpanned before she huffed in frustration at the water color painting she hated now.
"Then talk to him." Zoe suggested calmly. "Maybe he's just going through something and doesn't know how to talk to you about it."
"Right." Clarke conceded as she thought up a way to approach her boyfriend with her concerns.
She slept little that night, but the following day she formulated her plan and hoped for the best.
Clarke was about to head for the exit after the dismissal bell rang before a lithe body walked in front of her to cut off her path. "Clarke Griffin." The voice sounded too calm and collected.
"Fox." The blonde greeted not too happily as she looked up at the young girl. "Can I help you with something?" Her question sounded more menacing than she intended, but Fox had proven to be every word that was written about her reputation. Her entire relationship with Roan had come with the drama that followed his ex. She was in constant flings, but that did not deter her from texting and calling Clarke's boyfriend sporadically with one-liners that hinted at flirtatious sexual innuendos. While he insisted they were innocent, and assured Clarke that he didn't care if they weren't, the blonde did have trouble wrapping her mind around the continued communication they held.
The girl narrowed her eyes at Clarke before she smiled oddly at her. "I don't like you, Clarke. You don't like me. Yet we have one thing in common."
"I doubt that." She refuted.
"We do." Fox insisted with a smile. "We're both girls who fell for the same idiot playboy."
Clarke saw red and nearly pushed past the girl before Fox held her in place with a hand on her shoulder. "Roan is cheating on you, Clarke. He's the kind guy who will fall quickly, but will get bored just as fast. He did it with me, and now he's doing it with you."
"What are you talking about?" Clarke asked, anger, fear, and anxiety swirling the bile in her stomach.
"Luna wasn't just my imagination, Clarke. She was an innocent girl, but she flirted with fire, and eventually both of us got burned when Roan got what he wanted." Fox urged the blonde to listen.
"Roan cheated on you with Luna?" Clarke asked incredulously.
"Yes." Fox nodded. "Drop his ass, Clarke. He's doing the same thing to you now. He would have come back to me if I didn't tell him our texts were just to spice up my own life." She cautioned.
"Who? And how do you know?" The blonde finally asked with unshed tears in her eyes.
"Your friend, the brunette with the crazy glare and stone-cold face." Clarke knew exactly who she was referring to, but a big part of her didn't want to believe it. "Ever wonder why when one is missing from your group, both are? Roan and I were texting a week ago before I teased that he had become a prude. To prove me wrong he sent me a picture of a naked girl's back. I recognized her shoulder tattoo."
"I don't believe you." She resigned to responding silently because it was the only thing left to do. In fact she did believe her, because it all made sense. Fox was right, and that killed Clarke.
"Yes you do. But if you need proof, just confront Roan." Fox responded before she prepared to leave. "Good luck, Griffin."
Clarke nodded mindlessly as she felt the girl brush past her. She felt embarrassed, used, and alone as she thought about what Fox had told her. There was still hope in her body that Roan would never do that to her, but the signs were there. She felt it in her heart that what she had been feeling about Roan lately was attributed to his detaching from her and finding someone else. Her own friend.
Determined yet hurting Clarke drove to her boyfriend's hangout and studio, an abandoned barn that stood…only just….off the road on her way home.
When she arrived she saw nothing out of the ordinary. His car was parked in the usual spot. The single light in the shed was on, as was customary when they met up to work on art in semi-solitude. It wasn't until she opened the door that the subtle ache in her chest ignited with pain and betrayal.
"Clarke!" Ontari pushed away from Roan's naked form in a hurry. The boy could barely contain the groan of supposed self-loathing, which Clarke was pretty sure was more likely annoyance at her barging in.
Her world spun, and the combination of anger and other emotions caused her blood pressure to drop, reducing her vision to a simple tunnel. "How?" She mumbled repeatedly at the two.
"I'm sorry." Ontari stood with a pillow covering her exposed body. "I'm so sorry, Clarke. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how to."
Suddenly Clarke lifted her finger in the air to silence her. "I don't care, Ontari. Some friend you are. You…" She pointed at Roan who attempted to sink further into the couch to avoid her wrath. "How could you? After everything we've done together? What we've seen and created? I can't believe you."
He shrugged apologetically. "I'm as passionate about love as I am about art, Clarke. How can you blame me? The heart wants what it wants when it wants. As an artist you can understand." He defended.
The blonde shook her head with tears streaming down her face. "I loved you. I trusted you. And in return you give me this?"
"No. I gave you your own passion. I encouraged you to try different things, awesome things, to better yourself and your love for the art. Others have always ingrained in our minds that nothing beautiful like art can ever become a career, and I helped change that in your mind. You will become someone big because of me." He continued.
"You're an idiot." Clarke retorted. "I loved art before you came along."
"And now?" He asked in challenge.
"Now, it doesn't matter. You have no right to know what I think or feel anymore." She established, wiping her face with resolve before she pivoted to walk out of the barn.
"Clarke, I'm sorry."
"Fuck off, Ontari."
Clarke still loved art, but for years to come, she worked tirelessly to convince herself that it was unnecessary for her happiness. She instead followed in her mother's footsteps, taking classes more related to the sciences and biology as opposed to art.
"Hey you, where were you just now?" Lincoln asked Lexa while she stood with a cleaning rag in hand staring off into the distance.
She was quick to clear her throat and smile at him. "Not where you think I might have been." She warned him and they shared a small laugh. "Clarke and I had a talk. We both kind of aired out a lot of stuff and now we know each other on a deeper level, and I can't help but feel the need to give her more."
"Meaning?" He leaned on the bar.
Lexa pulled a glass out of the dish washer and proceeded to dry it before she continued. "I told her about Costia." Lincoln nodded, happy that she had decided to share that part of her with the blonde. "She was so considerate and didn't judge at all when I told her about my not so unsullied time in San Diego." Her eyes moved towards the blonde that currently talked animatedly with Raven near the stage. "She makes me happy, Linc. It's crazy. I haven't felt like this is a really long time. Maybe ever."
"But?" He waited for it.
"But we both have things that we need to get over." She added with a sad smile.
"Like?"
"My inability to let my heart lead over my head." She deadpanned. "And her inability to trust herself or anyone else." Lincoln looked at her inquiringly. Guessing his question, she continued to explain. "Some recent self-doubt with her art has brought back old memories. Some idiot kid in high school she fell in love with hurt her, and basically told her without him she was no good at her craft." She rolled her eyes with an increasing need to meet the guy and punch his lights out. "He cheated on her with her friend, in a space that was sacred to her because that's where they did their best work. This Roan guy is the reason she decided to quit art and pursue medicine like her mom." Lexa sighed heavily. "She's been through a lot. We both have. And I just think we both need each other to move forward, but we also need to heal on our own. Am I making sense?" She asked with knitted brows as she finished her task and placed her glasses under the counter.
"Yes." Lincoln nodded with a sympathetic smile. "You want to remind her that she's amazing because she simply is. And you want to make her your girlfriend despite the voice in your head that's telling you to be careful." He added the last part in for motivation.
A small grunt escaped her at hearing his deductions. "How are you so smart, Linc?" She smiled.
"Good genes." He laughed. "So, when do you plan to make it official?"
"I don't know, but I have something in mind." She grinned. "Anyway, how are you and O?"
Lincoln laughed. "I'm taking her out today as a matter of fact. First date." He smiled wide.
"Oh, first dates are nice. Where to?"
"Nope, not saying a thing. Don't wanna jinx us."
"Come on," She mouthed more loudly as he walked away. "I tell you everything." She pouted.
"Soon." He smiled with a side glance. "Have a good night at work." He finished before walking away.
The commotion pulled Clarke's attention towards them and she smiled at Lexa from afar.
"I know you're hooking up, Clarke. So tell me already." Raven begged for the umpteenth time.
The blonde smiled at her with a gleam in her eye. "You need a boyfriend, Raven. Seriously, so you can stop trying to live vicariously through me." She laughed at the frowning brunette.
"I hate you, Griffin." The girl replied. "But you're right." Raven nodded solemnly. "I'm gonna go get me one." She grinned at her friend. "Tell Lexa I'm glad you two got your heads out of your asses and are banging now." She whispered before walking up the stairs towards her vanity.
"Damn it, Reyes." Clarke smiled and shook her head.
TBC…
Wow. These two have been through some things am I right? A little history about Lexa's bicep tattoo(s). I was actually pretty happy with the interpretation. What did you guys think? Roan is such an ass for cheating on our girl. But do you guys think Lexa can and will help her move on? What do you guys think Lexa has planned for Clarke, and how long can they keep it a secret from Raven? Because I think she knows. ;-)
