AN: My dearest readers, I apologize for the delay. The last couple of weeks have been very chaotic for me. If you follow me on Tumblr you already know I was out of the country with an ailing relative. I have felt rather lonely without you all, so I'm back, and I couldn't be more relieved or de-stressed. Thank you for making me feel this way. Please enjoy this chapter, and I will see you again next week. Sorry for any mistakes.
"I think I love you." Finn mouthed nonchalantly before grinning like a fool.
Clarke had no idea how to react as she lifted herself up on an elbow to look at him.
Of course she cared about him, more than she ever thought possible, but she had yet to truly dissect her feelings for the boy.
The beginning of their relationship was a whirlwind of dance parties, movie dates, and lots of sex. Nothing had really changed by the time Finn asked her to be his girlfriend, and less growth took place between then and now that he let the "l" word spill freely form his mouth.
Clarke found solace in the fact that he had added uncertainty to the beginning of his declaration. This meant he himself wasn't at all certain he was ready for that.
Besides, the last time she felt deeply for someone, he ended up breaking her heart. She was in no hurry to get there with anyone else.
Three days had gone by and Clarke had yet to call Lexa.
She knew she probably should, if only to ease the brunette's mind, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Partly because she was pigheaded, but mostly because she was afraid.
There was a deep-seeded worry that gnawed at her, one that revolved around allowing Lexa to hold so much power over her. Much like she had done so the previous two times in her life.
It was an irrational fear, mostly, but an obstinate one.
So, Clarke decided to wait a few days while everything settled before she confronted Lexa again.
"You'll have to see her at work tomorrow." Raven commented as she poured them another glass of wine.
Clarke had made up her mind about where to stay as soon as she left the apartment. One phone call later, the brunette had opened her door wide with a sympathetic look. She was as inviting as she was nosy, though, and she questioned the blonde as soon as she had settled in.
They spent hours talking about what had happened, and sleep didn't come easy that night for the artist, but the following day she felt much better.
Raven was still in awe of the entire situation, and she kept picking Clarke's brain for some sort of understanding. "I still can't believe she was that upset. You know Lexa, she's super sweet and understanding. It's not like her."
The blonde shrugged. "I get it, it's her work. I shouldn't have stuck my nose in her business, but I honestly was doing it with the best intention."
"She knows that." Raven added with a slow nod before she sat beside her friend on the couch. "It's just going to take you walking out on her to realize it."
Heaving a sigh Clarke shook her head. "I didn't want to walk out. That's the last thing I wanted. Especially with everything that's happened the last few days." She sipped on her wine distractedly.
"Spit it out, Griff." Her friend urged with a knowing look.
Clarke proceeded to tell Raven the details from Chicago. Everything from how well she was received to the drinks she had. She didn't miss anything and definitely didn't skip the part about running into her ex. It was as if her mouth and brain were on autopilot, they just kept going on without her. Had she really been thinking about it, she might have omitted the part where she told Roan she was in love.
But she hadn't, and now her friend stared at her with an open mouth as she divulged the rather important detail. "I knew you two were all googly eyed for each other, but damn. You're in love." She grinned at her.
"Shut up, Rae." The girl shook her head as she rolled her eyes playfully. "I shouldn't have told you."
"I assume Lexa doesn't know." She stated rather than asked.
The artist shook her head. "I mean, I hope she knows deep down, but I haven't said it out loud."
"I bet she knows, unless she's as dense as…other people, then she might not have a clue."
Clarke stared at her friend suspiciously, but tabled what she wanted to ask until they got through what they were discussing. "I don't expect her to read my mind, but I hope she has some clue. And, I honestly think she feels the same." She paused to remember a time when Lexa almost said something to her. "It sounded like she wanted to say it once, but she stopped herself."
"You two are idiots." Raven smiled and shook her head. "But I get it, that's a huge thing to commit to. Can't really just slip the words in randomly, ya know." She pretended to talk to someone then. "Can you pass me the salt, I love you, thanks." The pair laughed at that and sighed. "Well, I think you and Lexa have lots to talk about when you decide you're ready."
There was a small grunt from the blonde. "I know. I know."
They were quiet for a few moments as they continued to drink their wine. "Things aren't going to work out with Anthony."
"What?" Clarke knitted her brows in disappointment. "Why not? You two seemed to be having fun."
"Fun, yes." Raven nodded. "He's sweet, and I like him, but he's in a huge hurry to move forward with things."
"Like?" The blonde urged her to continue.
"He's been hinting at sex, and I'm all up for some casual fun in that department, but he's too pushy. Desperate."
"Is it possible you're misunderstanding what he's saying?" She suggested.
Raven shook her head emphatically. "Nope. The boy's got a bad case of attachment or something because he's begging me for it. I'm not down with that."
"Wow." Clarke smiled. "Well, I'm sorry that it didn't work out. I was really rooting for you two." She nodded in earnest. "This doesn't mean, however, that you get to go back to your old ways."
Raven shrugged. "I'm over it. We'll see what happens."
"Maybe you need a girlfriend." Clarke teased.
Her friend didn't argue it.
Lexa rushed to the door when she heard the knock. In truth, she hoped it would be Clarke, but she had her key and the last time she knocked was months ago so she knew it couldn't be her.
When she opened the door she was shocked to see her sister glaring at her.
"What?" Lexa shrugged before she went for a hug.
Anya reciprocated before pushing her sister away playfully. "I came to help you fix your life you dweeb."
A short snort escaped Lexa as she shook her head and led them to the living room. "I don't need you to fix anything, An. How the hell did you make it down here so fast?" She sat down with a heavy exhale.
"As soon as I sensed you were going to make this a huge deal, I booked a flight to help open your eyes. You can be so stubborn some times. Besides, I could use a break from the rain right about now."
The younger brunette opened her mouth to argue, but shook her head and bit her tongue. "You didn't have to come down, An. I can fix my own issues, I'm an adult remember?"
"Yeah, yeah." Anya sat down across from her with a grin. "So where's Clarke? I assume you already made up with her, right? You know, since you're an adult and everything."
Lexa sighed and rubbed her eyes tiredly before throwing her head back on the couch. "She walked out and told me she would call me. That was three days ago."
Anya shook her head. "Got any beer? This is going to be a long night."
Indra draped articles of clothing over Titus, nearly drowning him in the fabric as she rambled on about the play and her "kids". She had volunteered the man to assist her since he stepped through the door, and now not a soul could keep her from her objective.
"What are you so excited about?" Titus asked with a suspicious knitting of his brows.
The woman either ignored or missed his question because she moved about as if no sound but her own voice had just sliced through the air. "I have to make sure this fits Raven. That girl is so thin I can never be sure even the smallest size will do. Remind me to have her try it on as soon as she gets in so I can alter it right away if it's no good."
"Indra." He cut in.
"Oh, do you think this is too tight for Lincoln? I think it might be too tight for him. He's the complete opposite of my little Octavia." She sighed. "Those two are going to be the death of me."
"Indra?" Titus finally got her attention as he stopped and made her drop the last shirt on the floor rather than on the heap he carried. "What's going on?"
Indra smiled wide and waved him off nonchalantly. "Nothing. We have a big night to prepare for. Come on, Titus stop chit chatting and get to work."
He wanted to argue with her, but he shook his head instead. "You will be the death of me woman."
Back near the bar, Lexa walked behind her work area with her sister in tow. They smiled at one another before everyone made their way over to say hello to the eldest Silva.
"It's been too long, Anya." Lincoln was the first to engulf her in an embrace. "Why do you hide up there in gloomy Seattle so much?"
The woman smiled. "So I can get this kind of welcome when I do pop in." She teased with a grin. "I've missed you, Linc. How's life?"
"Great. Can't complain. Lexa keeps me on my toes so there's never a dull day."
The brunette huffed behind the bar as she prepped her glasses and bottles.
"What was that?" Anya turned to tease her sister and smiled victoriously when she got no response. "I believe you, Linc."
After everyone had separated and moved to their areas, Anya sat on a stool and watched her sister work. "There she is." Indra made her way carefully down the steps as the woman turned around to face her in her seat.
"I might have told Indra I was bringing you in today." Lexa whispered before she stuck her tongue out.
Indra, to put it mildly, adored Anya. She had held the woman in the highest esteem from the start, and when she witnessed first-hand how much she helped Lexa when Costia died, she knew she respected her more than others that had crossed paths with her.
On one occasion she even attempted to convince her not to leave and to work for her. Anya had declined politely using her job in Seattle as an excuse.
It was an honor, true, but Anya still felt rather uncomfortable with the doting affection Indra was capable of.
"You will pay for this." Anya glared at her sister before standing to hug the woman in front of her. "How are you Indra?"
"I'm great, sweetie. How are you? How's Seattle? Married now?"
Both Silvas chuckled softly after hearing Indra's excited tone. "I'm great. Can't say the same about your lovely Alexandria back there, but I'm great. God no, not married. Not sure that's for me." She shook her head emphatically.
"Oh come on, you'll find the right person and your opinion now will be very different then." Indra waved her off. "Trust me. Love is a crazy thing."
"You got that right." Lexa muttered as she wiped down the surface of her counter. When she looked up she saw both women looking at her curiously, she feigned nonchalance and said, "Sorry to interrupt. Proceed.".
"Alexandria what did you do?" Indra questioned her then.
Lexa shook her head and nearly laughed in disbelief. "Why does everyone assume it's me?" Her own sister had immediately placed the blame on her, and though it didn't bother her at first, it was beginning to irritate her now.
"Because it is." Anya replied.
The brunette glared at her as she stopped cleaning her area. "Shut up, An."
"Alright, alright. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Is everything OK with Clarke?" The older woman asked.
Neither one spoke, and all Indra got in response was a shrug from her dear bartender slash playwright. "I'm working on it." Anya stepped in. "All this one needs is a light tap on the backside of her head so she can get going."
Indra sighed dejectedly, afraid that two of her beloved children were in the midst of romantic troubles. And while that in itself was enough to sadden her, she also hoped her business would not suffer because of it.
Suddenly, as if Lexa had written it on a cue card herself, the door swung open and in walked Clarke with her arm linked in Raven's.
"Oh boy." Indra whispered. "I expect you two to be cordial and professional here at work. I love you both, but if you guys cause me any drama off that stage, you're out for the night…maybe the week." She added before she walked away. "Hi girls. Raven I'll need you on stage soon for a fitting." She waved at the girls before disappearing up the stairs.
Clarke's eyes immediately caught Lexa's as they made their way deeper into the room. She fought the urge to walk to her for a kiss. Man did she fight hard- her lips and heart were tough opponents, ones she rather not go to battle with.
Lexa nodded at the pair. "Hi."
"Hey." Clarke replied.
"Lex." Raven smiled. "You didn't tell me the better of the Silvas was coming to town." She teased before hugging Anya tightly. "How are you, An?"
The taller brunette smiled down at the dancer. "I'm good, Rae. Staying out of trouble?"
"Oh you know me." She replied with a grin.
"It's why I asked." Anya replied and everyone chuckled, allowing the levity to break the tension that became thick when they strode in. "Still boy crazy?"
Raven wrinkled her nose. "I've never been boy crazy."
"Please." She paused. "How could I forget Lexa's stories of your weekly crushes? I believe every single band member has been an unknowing victim of your fantasy daydreams."
"Not true." Raven argued. "I hate you, Lexa." She muttered at her friend who smiled wickedly before digging around for her glass crates. "I've had crushes…sure…but who hasn't? Right, Clarke?" She looked back to the blonde for help.
Clarke snapped and faced her friend in a hurry to reply. Her eyes had been searching under the counter, waiting impatiently to fall upon the green orbs she had come to love so much. "All I know is you've got serious guy trouble." The artist smiled and made her way over to Anya. "Finally getting to put my arms around you, huh?" She hugged the older woman and sighed.
"Hi, Clarke." Anya replied with an apologetic smile. "How are you?"
"Ok, I guess." She shrugged. "How long are you in town for? I'd like to sit and have dinner or something."
Anya smiled and looked to see if Lexa had resurfaced so they could communicate silently, but when she realized she was probably hiding, she replied. "Not sure, but I would love to get together. I'll call you?"
"Sure thing." The artist replied before excusing herself so she could get ready for the night.
The woman rolled her eyes. "You gonna stay down there all night?" She mouthed before her sister stood up looking guilty. "You're an idiot." She added.
"Shut up."
"I'd like to have dinner with you, too, An. Let me know." Raven smiled. "And you…" She looked at her friend. "Stop hiding and deal with whatever's going on. You two are too good for each other to let it go to waste on petty crap."
Lexa rolled her eyes then and wrapped her fingers around a crate she had pulled up. "All of you need to mind your own business and let us resolve this on our own."
"Can you imagine if we did that, they'd never speak to each other again." Anya joked with Raven before the dancer walked away to meet Indra backstage.
"You're so annoying." Lexa retorted as she walked towards the storage room with the crate in her hands.
"Love you, too." Anya replied with a firm shake of her head.
Clarke and Lexa managed to work alongside each other professionally. Despite the tension whenever they were near, and the fact that both had wanted to open up about what they felt on multiple passes, they steered clear of any drama.
Even when their fingers brushed and their eyes went wide with electricity, they didn't say anything that didn't have to do with drinks, bar tabs, and Tassels.
Indra appreciated that and she hugged both girls to let them know it. She took each one under an arm before smiling wide at them. "See you girls tomorrow. Good night."
The rest of the group separated with awkward goodbyes, unsure about where 'Clexa' stood, deciding it best to call it a night and spare everyone the tension fest.
Before long, Anya and Raven were the only two that stood in the parking lot with Clarke and Lexa.
The older Silva's eyes shifted from her sister to the blonde that currently played with the zipper on her sweater, waiting to see who would be the first to break.
Raven shuffled slowly on her feet before she took it upon herself to push the issue. "If you two aren't going to say anything to each other we should leave." She looked pointedly at Clarke.
Anya smiled, appreciating the girl's boldness. "Yeah, it's past my bedtime, either Raven and I split to leave you to it, or we all call it a night."
Clarke and Lexa sighed simultaneously as they swallowed the urge to groan at the two people in front of them.
There was a familiar burning in the pit of Lexa's stomach as she battled with the increasing desire to wrap her arms around her girlfriend, the need to yell out her frustrations, and the reluctance to do neither of the two.
"It's ok, Rae, I don't want to hold you up, you probably want to head home." Clarke suggested after a few uncomfortable moments of silence.
Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat as she shook her head. She wanted to go against what the blonde had suggested, but her brain wouldn't let her.
"Actually, I'll go with you Raven." Anya cut in after seeing Lexa's reaction to the blonde's comment. "Let these two sort their shit out." She smiled. "Love you, Lex. Bye Clarke, we'll talk soon." The woman pivoted and pulled the dancer along with her, leaving two stunned girls behind with no thoughts on where to begin or how to move forward.
Clarke paced as she waited for Finn to meet her in the gym. The building would be deserted, no classes were due to take place there the rest of the day, perfect for what needed to be discussed.
She had been thinking about how to bring up the topic of conversation for at least two months, and each time it seemed less approachable and more nerve-wrecking.
When she saw her boyfriend's head bob into view through the too-small-to-be-useful windows, and finally walked through the royal blue doors, Clarke sighed. Whether she did so out of relief or anxiety, she couldn't decide.
"I hate those doors." She blurted out loud, deciding that would be how she would start the conversation. Anxiety, definitely anxiety. "I just realized that." Finn knitted his brows as he came to a stop before her. "Royal blue is a nice color, sure, but whoever painted those doors didn't prime it or seal it, the chips are making my eyes twitch. And don't get me started on those ridiculous windows. Why include a window at all if not even a cat could fit through it? I mean, assuming the cat could rescue us from a burning inferno, you know?" Clarke paused and cleared her throat when Finn gave her another confused look. "That's another topic altogether, though, not something to start right now."
"Clarke?" He finally questioned.
She waved him off, dismissing his concerned look. "Thanks for meeting me."
"Are you breaking up with me?" The boy asked with a disbelieving glare.
Clarke wrinkled her own nose in confusion before laughing softly. "No." She touched his arm to pacify his sudden unease. "Actually, I want to talk about how we can make this last longer."
They sat on the bleachers for more than an hour, not minding the fact that each of them had just missed a lecture, talking about the inevitable end to their high school career and what it all meant for them.
It was long ago decided that they would not be attending the same college. They were on different career paths, vastly different, and unfortunately each of their school choices was centered around each of their majors.
"I don't care how we do it, I go to you, you come to me, we meet in the middle, I don't care." Finn reiterated. "If we both try to be there, and we meet face to face every now and then, I know we can make it work."
Clarke nodded, her tears of worry finally dissipating as she heard his reassuring voice. "We can make it work. I know we can." She nodded in agreement.
"It will be hard, I'm not saying it won't be, but we will do everything we can." Finn added. "Because I know this is worth it."
"Really?" The blonde smiled, encouraging her boyfriend to share more of his compliments with her. "You think so?"
"I know so." He repeated with another nod.
They nodded in unison before Clarke leaned in to kiss him softly. "I love you, Finn." She whispered as she pulled away. "I know we're worth it." She hugged him and sighed as he squeezed tightly, holding on to her with everything in him.
"I love you, Clarke."
"Fuck." Lexa whispered as she watched her sister walk away.
A clearing of a throat forced the brunette to look away from the two figures that disappeared into her friend's car.
"I can catch a rideshare to her place. Go home." Clarke suggested despite the voice in her head that told her not to let the girl go anywhere.
Lexa felt guilty as soon as she saw the genuine look of disappointment on her girlfriend's face. She sighed softly before shaking her head. "No, please, there's no need. I can drop you off."
"Honestly, I don't know if that's a good idea." Clarke responded.
The brunette shook her head, the frustration building inside and making her smile but not because she was happy. "This is ridiculous." Admittedly, those were not the words she expected to come out of her mouth, but she shrugged it off and searched for the blonde's blue eyes.
With a look of slight disbelief, the artist shrugged in question. "Standing out here with nothing to say "this'? Or this fight 'this'?" Once the words were out, she felt a rise in her courage and her own anger began to manifest in the form of raw honesty. "Because while both are ridiculous, one of them is slightly more absurd than the other." She paused and felt some gratification when she saw Lexa's eyes fall remorsefully onto the blemished concrete. "I'm not sure which one is which, but they both piss me off, Lexa."
Groaning in understanding Lexa nodded. "You don't think I'm pissed about this, too?" She finally allowed her eyes to travel back up and lock with the girl's. "We could talk about anything for hours. When we first met we carried conversations so well. This is not like us, avoiding each other's eyes, dancing around words we want to say. I hate it."
"So do I." Clarke retorted.
Sighing heavily, Lexa muttered. "Well then let's fix this."
The artist nodded emphatically. "Alright, you start." Clarke challenged with crossed arms.
"What?" Lexa knitted her brows and recoiled when she heard the tone her girlfriend used. "Why me?"
Shaking her head Clarke laughed. "Everything was alright. We were OK. Nothing was wrong with us."
"So it's my fault?" Lexa questioned angrily. "How's is this my fault when you overstepped in the first place?"
"I overstepped?" Clarke dropped her arms and made her way closer to the brunette that suddenly appeared younger and in more distress than ever. "I'm sorry you feel that." She stopped when her Converse-clad toes bumped Lexa's boot. "I'm sorry you can't see that maybe, just maybe, I stuck my nose in your fucking business because I cared."
The writer felt the need to retreat, but found herself trapped against the trunk of her car. Obliviously she had been backpedaling from the start. "It doesn't matter. You deliberately submitted my story, one I had told you repeatedly I was not comfortable with; to a company that sees me as a joke. I needed time to come to terms with that. I needed to prepare myself for the possible consequences if and when I chose to deliver it to them. I might not have sent it in the first place, and you assumed I would. You invaded my privacy and were inconsiderate of what I might feel."
"Fuck that." Clarke rebuffed. "You know I know you better than that. I recognize your feelings, even when you think you've fooled everyone else." Her eyes spared a downward glance at the brunette's plump lips, slightly parted to accommodate the increased intake of air. When her eyes locked back onto the green ones in front of her, she smiled, and her hands traveled automatically to Lexa's hips. "You've wanted to submit that story for weeks, to MPC, to anyone. You only stopped every time because you were scared to get rejected again, and I understand that more than most people. But you knew the story was good and done; otherwise you wouldn't have packed it away. If you had doubts, that manuscript wouldn't have seen the light of day and your words would still be hidden away in the safety of your laptop."
Lexa swallowed, both impressed and frightened because this beautiful girl, someone who had battled her own share of demons and insecurities, knew her and understood her so well. The attention to detail was undoubtedly an investment made only by someone who truly and deeply cared. Someone who…
"But I wasn't ready." She fought hard against the epiphany that threatened to consume her world, using any excuse to keep herself on topic and not digress to where she really wanted to go.
Clarke sighed heavily before taking the brunette's face in her hands, forcing the girl to really look at her and understand what she was offering up in her revelations. "Are you ready now?"
"Wh- what?" The brunette stammered.
Smiling wide and looking at her with determination, the blonde went for it. She brought their lips together in a fury of passion.
TBC…
Oh boy. These two. What do you guys see happening next with our girls? I sure hope they work out this issue. I need some happy Clexa again. So...Anya, huh? Hehehe.
