AN: Update! I have an update! It has been some life lately. I appreciate all of you who have stayed with me on this journey. I sincerely thank you. The first line in this chapter is borrowed from Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. A little warning, though maybe the rating of this story covers it: there is mention of drugs in this chapter. Nothing terrible, amusing really, but still. Enjoy! Sorry for any mistakes.


"'Everything can change in an instant. Everything. And then there is only before and after.' There's no reason why I or anyone should have ever doubted those words. After all, we all know change is inevitable. Change is what keeps life in motion. Without it, there's stagnation, and soon thereafter: death.

Another inevitability. How can such a small word hold such enormous consequences?

D-E-A-T-H.

While I might have argued that we were all doomed for it at first, that was before.

After, well I stared death right in the face and said fuck you. Even while angry tears raced down my face and my hands squeezed the nothing in them with an immense sadness, I wanted to fight death. I needed death to hurt like I did.

In case you are wondering, yes. Death took her from me, and while on paper it might seem to you like this progressed quickly, I assure you it did not. It was slow and agonizing, and yet it was over before I could ever prepare myself for it.

The end did not come after she lived a long life, no. The end decided that it would creep into her cells, into her bones, and would wreak havoc on her beautiful life before it devoured her whole. The end did not give a damn about her dreams, her hopes, or her thirst for life.

It only took, and it became the single most significant event in my life. It became that change Phyllis talked about.

I was happy before it.

And after Chloe died, I was miserable.

My desolation was only amplified when my heart fought against my wishes not to dwell and would conjure up visions from before.

I saw her everywhere. Everything reminded me of her. I heard her laughter in other people. I saw her smile on every mouth. I smelled her perfume in everything she had touched, no matter how many times I washed it. And rewashed it. I was destined to live surrounded by her. All because she had allowed me to be part of her before.

And I was cursed to live the after on my own; survive without her. Because change didn't give a damn about me."

Raven had no idea she had been crying. Not until a darkened splatter encased the word 'cursed'.

She closed the book with her left hand, but kept her mark with her index finger nestled between the pages. The freshness on her cheek alerted her of the fact that she continued to cry.

"Well, damn. I guess I'm not getting my money back." She laughed out loud in her empty apartment before her phone pinged.

Not wanting to lose her spot, she draped the book open over the sofa cushions and retrieved her phone from the charger.

Sexy Silva: Are you reading it?

Rae: OMG

Sexy Silva: I'll take that as a yes

Rae: I didn't think she'd do it, but your talented ass sister has made me cry

Sexy Silva: Wow, you, cry?

Raven rolled her eyes.

Rae: Shut up. So, have you read it?

Sexy Silva: Yup. Done. It's not word for word her life, but the gruesome parts are the most sincere

Rae: I can't imagine going thru that

Sexy Silva: Not many people do at her age

Rae: We're all lucky, I guess

Sexy Silva: Meh. She's also loved earlier on than the rest of us

Rae: Oh?

Sexy Silva: No

Rae: What?

Sexy Silva: We are not discussing my love life

Rae: Why not?

Sexy Silva: Because ppl always say they're ok with the response, but they're not

Rae: That many loves in your life?

Sexy Silva: See?

Rae: It's not like we're_

Raven contemplated finishing the thought before erasing it and starting over.

Rae: Just tell me. Have you ever been in love?

Sexy Silva: Maybe

Rae: An…

Sexy Silva: Yes. U?

Rae: No

Sexy Silva: Liar. Not even Bell-boy?

Rae: Especially not him

Sexy Silva: Ok

A sort of excitement coursed through Raven as she read into the two-letter response from the older girl. "OK". Almost as if she were breathing a sigh of relief. If she would have answered yes about Bellamy, though what she felt for him had never wandered into that territory, would Anya have responded differently? She would never know, but something gnawed at her to pry.

Rae: Ok?

Sexy Silva: ?

Escape and evade...

Rae: Hey An…

The brunette swallowed the lump in her throat despite not needing her voice to ask her question.

Sexy Silva: ?

Rae: NVM. So, when are u coming down?

She chickened out of her thoughts, and she really could kick herself for it.

Sexy Silva: Soon

Raven smiled and nodded to herself.


The city's hustle and bustle was nonexistent from inside the restaurant.

Inside they might have heard the clinking of glasses as a couple toasted to a milestone in their relationship. Or maybe they heard the faint scraping of a steak knife doing its job before finally meeting the white surface of high-end porcelain. Perhaps even the whispers of a stray confession of love that some unknowing fool uttered to an underserving recipient.

But they hadn't. They wouldn't.

From the moment they sat, Clarke could not help but hang on every word her brunette spoke.

Lexa would pause only long enough to enjoy the rewarding laughs the blonde could not hold at bay.

She recounted stories that would make them laugh, feeling particularly light-hearted and free. The wine they consumed only helped to liven them some more.

A salad starter and artichoke dip had come and gone, and as Clarke wrapped her fork around creamy pasta, Lexa continued to share some history with her.

It was not long after she started working at Tassels, she mentioned, when both Monty and Jasper had unsuccessfully tried to smoke her out. Being the free spirits that they were, they would not shut up about the best weed in town. They talked a big game, even threw out names (of which she had no clue, but they felt she might), and set up a time and place for their rendezvous.

"You guys went to Mullholland?" Clarke asked with an incredulous expression. "Isn't that the first place to get caught smoking?" She smiled in disbelief.

Lexa shrugged with a grin. "I was still kind of new to this place." She paused. "And they assured me they knew exactly where to go."

"Your first mistake." The blonde pointed out.

"Meh." She replied. "It actually turned out worse for them." She smiled as she continued to talk through her story.

The night was particularly warm, which she now admits was probably a clear sign the whole thing should have been postponed or canceled altogether, but they tried it anyway. Lexa smiled as she remembered the slow rubbing of Jasper's less-than flashy eighties hatchback windows when they enclosed themselves in the car.

"It was ok at first, but it was the middle of summer in California. We started to cook soon after Monty took his first hit. Did I mention the AC was out?"

Clarke shook her head as she took a sip of her wine.

It took them four minutes to smoke the entire blunt. Nothing really, but Jasper swore it was enough to give them a good push towards the smoggy Los Angeles sky. Lexa would have believed them, she assured Clarke, if she would have felt half of what her friends experienced then.

"You didn't get high?" The blonde asked over another bite of food.

Lexa shook her head. "Not one bit." She shook her head. "I still don't know if I did it wrong then, but I felt nothing. All I knew was that life in the back seat of that hatchback was nothing but hot, and suffocating. I wanted to run out when I felt my legs sticking to the fabric of my jeans, I was so sweaty." It was a fortunate thing the temperature had dropped some with the sun.

"And the boys?"

"High as kites." The brunette smiled with an emphatic nod. "They would look at each other and laugh for minutes at a time. I wanted to smack them both, but I decided to let it run its course." She finally took a bite of her own food.

What the hell. Jasper had mumbled with panic as he stuck his tongue halfway out his mouth and pinched it with two fingers. Monty had freaked out immediately and backed up into the closed door behind him with saucers for eyes. He questioned his friend desperately for reassurance that he was alright.

"No." Clarke laughed.

"Yup." Lexa nodded.

"Jasper had a freak out?"

She nodded again. "Apparently, he felt his tongue was swelling, and he thought he was going to choke on it."

"Oh god." Clarke laughed, a hand covering her mouth for discretion. "And Monty?"

"He freaked out because Jasper freaked out. He was worried Jasper was going to die, and then he started with the hypochondria. He kept feeling his face to make sure nothing was growing."

"I would have loved to have been there for that."

"It was funny. Ridiculously sweaty and hot, but funny." Lexa looked down at her food before smiling up at the blonde. "I have a video of it on an old phone somewhere. I'll have to show it to you. The guys think I deleted it, but I stashed it away for future use."

"You're so bad." Clarke shook her head while Lexa simply shrugged.

They continued to enjoy their dinner in silence, their only conversation being held with glances and smiles.

After Clarke paid for dinner, they walked down the city sidewalks with their fingers linked. Though the sounds that followed them could have been interpreted as obnoxious -inconvenient even, neither girl cared and their conversations were not affected.

Several times they crossed busy intersections, and they had moved further south on foot than they had expected.

When Clarke smelled the aroma that emanated from around a corner, she pulled Lexa along in a hurry. The brunette smiled and chuckled as her girlfriend ordered their coffees and pastries without as much of a second thought. She shelved her curiosity as they waited for their treats.

"I found this place when I first came to Los Angeles." Clarke smiled as she answered the question Lexa was about to ask. "I didn't want to spend too much on non-essential things, so I only spared some change for the coffee, but I've been wanting to try this strawberry balsamic danish since then." She split the pastry so they could share the halves.

Simultaneous moans escaped them as their eyes rolled dramatically in delight. "This could be the best thing I've ever tasted." Lexa muttered with a busy mouth. "Wow." Clarke nodded in agreement.

"The coffee's not bad, either." The blonde added before she sipped carefully on her hot drink.

Cars made their way down the street behind them as they enjoyed their dessert from the small curbside table. A few minutes of indulging in silence culminated with a satisfied sigh as Lexa sat back in the red chair. "That was great." She smiled and swirled the coffee cup in her hand. "Thank you." Her girlfriend nodded.

"I'm extremely proud of you." Clarke admitted, her hands busy with her own cup. "I know this was just dinner and coffee, but the better stuff is yet to come." She smiled. "Someday. Soon. I promise."

Lexa shook her head. "Thank you, but there's no need to reward me. Your support is enough, babe."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the crickets and car engines battling for dominance in the ears of passersby. "So," Clarke started. "Have you thought about what MPC offered?"

An honest sigh escaped the brunette before she pursed her lips in thought.

After a couple of grueling days, MPC had finally reached out to Lexa with news about her book sales. The numbers, while not what they had projected initially, had been sufficiently good.

Her advance was paid, and the profit from the sales had begun to accumulate in her favor, though she wouldn't see them until the book was on the shelves just a bit longer. The Maunon Publishing Company had congratulated her, thanked her for her patience with their associates (though Lexa felt the apology was more for formality than consideration), and extended her an offer before their call ended.

"I've decided I don't want to work with them again." The brunette writer answered after a long while. "I appreciate their willingness to offer me an extended contract, but I can't cater to them. I struggled enough with re-editing an ending for them, I can't imagine writing only what they wish to put out."

Mr. Wallace had been straight forward with his offer and left little to no room for misunderstanding. Alexandria Silva would become a member of the MPC writer's board, if and only if she agreed to write on topics, genres, and for certain target audiences of their choosing. Perhaps other authors would jump at the opportunity for a steady paycheck, but Lexa's heart was anything but onboard with the terms.

So, she had respectfully replied with a grateful thank you before she requested they allow her time to weigh her options. They agreed without any pushback, much to her surprise, and had instructed she give them a call when she was ready.

She was ready, she decided as she leaned forward on the small table, that she give them her answer as soon as she could.

"That's understandable, and I'm with you one hundred percent." Clarke replied. "Besides, you might have some change to cushion you between projects, and I just delivered those two paintings to the Sinclairs, so I'll have some income to work with if we need it."

"Are you offering to be my sugar momma, again, Clarke?" Lexa grinned.

The blonde wrinkled her nose in response. "Technically, you volunteered me the first time." She smiled wide. "But yes."

Slowly they reached across the table to link their fingers together.

"I love you." Lexa spoke over the traffic.

"I love you, too."


"Goddamn, Lex!" The young man yelled from across the room as he walked into Tassels.

It was early enough that she was the only one on the floor, so she jumped at the sudden disturbance. "What the hell, Jasper." She glared at him as she walked past him towards her workspace.

"I finally finished Chloe." He smiled before he continued with a straight face. "Don't judge me; I know most of the peeps were probably done days ago."

Lexa smiled and put her hands up in surrender. Part of her wanted to stand still and listen to his appraisal, there really was no better constructive criticism than a friend's, but she kept organizing her area. It was what she did, and everyone knew it, including Jasper.

He took no offense to her peripatetic pre-work routing while he perched himself on a stool and continued to talk. "You're a gifted ass writer, girl. Not that I ever doubted that, but damn. The way you took your time to have Alice describe Chloe when they first met…wow. Not to mention their first time." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, an action to which Lexa responded by tossing a wet rag at his face.

Cringing at the odor, he peeled it hurriedly from his face.

"So all you liked about the book was how hot Alice thought Chloe was?" She tested in jest.

Jasper swallowed a nervous lump before shaking his head. "That was nice, but…" He paused to look around before he leaned in to whisper. "Don't tell anyone, but I'm a sucker for romance. The Notebook, that's all I'm saying. And yes, yes I really liked the part where Alice thought Chloe was super-hot."

"Is this your first girl on girl book, Jasper?" The brunette taunted with a curious smile.

He shrugged. "Maybe."

"Well, I'm glad and honored you chose mine to be your first." She nodded. "And thanks for the words, buddy."

"You got it." He nodded in return before clapping his hands on the counter and standing up. "Oh, hey, Polis tonight? First pitcher's on me."

Lexa nodded. "Sure. Second one's on you, too, when I kick your ass in a game."

"Yeah right." He laughed, though he knew she was right, and walked towards the stage where his instrument sat.

Not everyone knew the story was inspired by the tragic love Lexa was painfully familiar with, and the writer was rather grateful of that fact as her regulars congratulated her throughout the night.

Many drank in her honor, most left nice tips both in compliments and because they had drank too much in celebration of her book, and some even drank to Alice and Chloe-wishing them the undying love they deserved.

The bartender had to downplay how much the words affected her, and she managed to smile before occupying herself with the menial task of wiping clean the moisture rings that reflected off the wooden counter.

"The guy with the expensive beer is back, I see." Lexa poured a shot of liquor as her eyes caught sight of the man that sat down.

Clarke turned to follow Lexa's inquiring glance. She nodded. "Looks like it." The blonde placed a curious hand on her hip. "He's an odd character. Says he's here for work one time, next he's just having a good time…I can't read him."

"That's because he doesn't want you to, babe." Lexa smiled as she placed the drinks on her girlfriend's waiting tray. "But if anyone can get someone to talk, it's you. Should I get him that beer?"

"Yes." Clarke waited for the beer while she studied the man.

She made her way over to him after her tray held nothing but his drink. His eyes were glued to the stage once again as he smiled, and she took the opportunity to catch him off guard by placing the bottle on the table. He was about to speak when she cut him off. "Are you a pervert? Come to gawk at my girlfriends in their sexy outfits?" Clarke stared him down, clearly attempting to burn a hole through him.

A laugh escaped him as he rested back in the chair. "Clarke." He picked up the beer and tipped it to her gratefully, but she said nothing and didn't move to walk away.

"So?" She prodded seriously.

Sensing she was prepared to stand in place until he gave her a reason to walk away, he explained himself.

Or what he was willing to, anyway. "I'm here as a fan, that's all."

"Of?" The blonde continued her questioning.

He smiled and shook his head at her tenacity. "The show. This place. The dancers. Your beer selection."

Clarke furrowed her brows and nodded. "What's your name?"

"Bill." The man replied without hesitation.

"Sounds made up."

Bill laughed. "It's not." He tore his eyes from the show long enough to look at her. "Do you always interrogate your customers this way? Or am I just lucky?"

Sensing he was no immediate threat, both to her friends and their establishment, she cut the routine short and smiled. "You're an easy target, Bill. But I'll let you enjoy the show. I'll be back when you need a refill."

He lifted his hand to decline her offer, but was left hanging as she left him to make her rounds around the room.

Clarke replaced his empty bottle four times, much to his amazement. There was just no way that he could say no, mostly because the girl would swap the bottles quickly and left just as fast, so he couldn't argue against it.

When she gave him his final count, he paid cash like he had done the previous times, left a generous tip, and walked out.

Clarke and Lexa didn't miss that he and Elona shared a subtle wave before he left.

They both decided they would ask Elona about that when they saw her again.

Some time later they all made their way to their usual hangout.

"An?" Lexa recognize her sister from the entryway of Polis Billiards.

Anya turned around and flashed her sister a wide smile before waving her over. She stood with a glass of beer in hand, surrounded by a few of the Tassels crew that had arrived before her. "Hi little sister." She smiled again as she wrapped a free arm around her shoulders.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Lexa asked. "You didn't tell me you were coming down. I could have picked you up at the airport."

The older Silva shrugged dismissively. "I wanted to surprise you."

"It worked." Lexa nodded.

"Hi Clarke." Anya pushed Lexa away to hug the blonde girl much like she had her sister. "Thanks for keeping my secret." She winked down at her.

"You knew?" Lexa looked incredulously at her girlfriend, who grinned before making her way towards the bar for their drinks. "You two are not to be talking without me." She pointed at her sister in playful warning.

Once everyone arrived, they raised their drinks and congratulated Lexa.

Raven assured the writer that she would not be returning the book for a refund, and even smacked her shoulder in mock anger. Something about making her cry was mumbled out for justification.

Lincoln and Octavia nodded in agreement, then. Because they couldn't imagine what it would feel like to lose each other.

It was as much of a jovial celebration as it was a sobering reminder that their friend had been through a traumatic event none of them had ever experienced first-hand. They raised their glasses again in honor of the perseverance Lexa possessed, and the girl she once loved.

At the end of the night, after Lexa beat Jasper once and then Jasper and Monty with Clarke, they began to disperse.

Nobody was surprised to see Echo and Bellamy hanging on each other the entire time.

"You alright?" Anya walked up beside her friend and bumped her shoulder gently with hers.

Raven moved to look up at the taller girl with a smile. "Hell yeah, I am."

"Those two are meant to be, I think." Silva replied as they both observed the couple walking out of the pool hall.

The brunette nodded. "I think you're right."

"Want to go grab some food?"

"Definitely." Raven nodded as she felt herself being guided out with a hand warmly touching her lower back.

"Damn." Lexa smiled from across the room while Clarke kissed her cheek.

TBC…

So, there was a small segment from Lexa's book which she titled Chloe, apparently. Keeps Costia's identity private. Chloe worked, I guess. Alice...liked that name? Anyway, that little piece I wrote while I was thinking about the family member I lost recently. Kind of allowed me to appreciate them and mourn them all at once. I hope you guys liked it. Considering adding another excerpt, but I haven't decided yet if I should. Cute moment for our Clexa at the coffee shop, which really does exist here in L.A. Those two are goals, am I right? So: who's this dude, are Becho together again, will Ranya sore? What's going to happen next? Alright, hit me up with questions or comments, I genuinely enjoy my discussions with you all. There's nothing but greatness coming up. Stick around.