After a long chat with Hank, Erin forced herself to go see Jay, she obviously wanted to see him but she didn't want to get angry at him when he was laying in a hospital bed. So hopefully she could put a happy face on and just be glad he is alive, forget everything else. Just for now anyway.
She left Lily with Hank, she knew that Jay would have wanted to see her but for now she wanted it to be just the two of them so then if she did happen to lose it she would have Lily's little ears to worry about.
Once Erin got to the hospital she walked up to his room, taking each breath as it come, not knowing if she would cry at the first thought of seeing him or what. There was so many emotions floating around in her head.
She knocked on the door gentle as she slowly stepped in, she could tell by the look on Jays face he was relieved and so happy to see her.
"Well you look great Halstead, that hospital gown really does it for you." Erin said sarcastically, hoping that hiding her emotions with her humour would work.
"It's good to see you, where's Lil?" He asked cautiously.
"With Hank, she is exhausted, it's been a long day." Erin said walking over to the side of his bed.
"Erin I'm so sorry for everything, I love you." He said apolitically.
"Let's just focus on getting you better so you can come home, then we can talk about everything else." Erin said, she saw Jay turn away to hide the tears in his eyes, she hurt him not saying I love you back. Of course she did still love him but at the moment she couldn't bring herself to saying it without talking everything over first.
"I can come home tomorrow, then I will be in a sling and light duties for about six weeks give or take." Jay said.
"That's good, good thing you didn't get any structural damage. Couldn't imagine you being told you couldn't do the job anymore."
"Yeah your not wrong." Jay chuckled.
Suddenly Will walked in with a bag of food, "Hey everybody I come bearing gifts."
"I don't really think Jay should be feeding his face with greasy food Will." Erin said concerned, at least she still cared he thought.
"It isn't for him Erin it's for you, you need to eat." Will said sharing looks with Jay, Hank had obviously called him and told him that Erin needed to eat something before she passed out.
"I'm good, I ate before I came here." She nodded, completely lying but she couldn't stomach it right now.
Will looked at Jay about to say something but he stopped when Jay shook his head slightly, he knew one thing don't push Erin when she's like this, it will get you nowhere.
"Where's my niece?" Will said as he sat in the chair next to Jays bed and started eating the burger he bought Erin.
"She's with Hank at home, she needed sleep. Poor little thing is exhausted." Erin said.
Will went to speak but his phone started going off, "Ahh, sorry gotta go we got incoming. I will check in after my shift," he said pointing to Jay, "Seeya Erin."
"Bye Will." Erin said as she watched Will rush out, then she noticed Jay staring at her with sad eyes.
"Babe can you please stop hiding how you feel." Jay said.
"Jay I really don't want to talk about it with you right now." Erin said bluntly.
"Then when Er?"
"Fine, if you're not going to drop it I'm going to go. The last place I want to fight with you is the hospital." Erin said angrily getting up from her seat.
"Erin please don't go."
"Jay I think I should anyway, Lily will be due for a feed soon and you need to rest. I will see you in the morning when your ready to come home." Erin said before she left.
Jay felt helpless, he couldn't get up and ran after her like he wanted. He really screwed up, after all the promises they made when they got back together he broke the very one that broke them in the first place.
...
The next morning while Jay was waiting for Erin to come get him, Will stopped by his room, "Hey bro, how you feeling?"
"Better when I'm home, I miss my girls."
"How is Erin? I mean with all of this?" Will asked.
"Pissed, she won't speak to me. I really screwed up this time." Jay said sadly.
"I do have to say I'm shocked, I mean I didn't expect this from you not now, not after you finally got Erin back. What were you thinking?" Will said as he leant on the wall in front of Jay.
Jay sighed, he didn't need this. He knew he had fucked up and was still yet to face the consequences but then again maybe he did deserved all these questions.
"I guess I wasn't, I was trying to help someone else because of my mistakes completely forgetting that I don't just have me to think about anymore. I don't know if I can come back from this, the look on Erins face, in her eyes, I haven't ever seen that before." Jay said rubbing his hands over his face frustratedly.
"She's a mother now, that's what the look is." Will shrugged.
"I guess your right."
"Just tell her everything, lay it all out on the table." Will said and then they were not interrupted when Erin walked in.
"Hey Will, Jay." She said nodding at both of them, the tension was high.
"I gotta get back, ring me if you need anything Jay. I will stop by tomorrow and see how you are." Will said giving his brother a quick hug and then left, giving Erins shoulder a squeeze on the way out.
"You ready?" Erin asked.
"Yeah, Lil at home?"
"Yeah, Kim is with her just until we get back. Didn't want to drag her around, she's not in the best mood today." Erin said as she picked up Jays bag and flung it over her shoulder.
"Here Erin I can carry it." Jay said but Erin turned away from him annoyed as she started walking out.
"I got it Jay, come on let's go." Jay nodded and followed her, he was definitely getting the cold shoulder and he didn't expect anything less.
...
Over the next couple days the apartment felt quiet, even though they had a baby that still didn't seem to ease any tension between them. Whenever Jay wanted to help Erin would take over, whenever he wanted to talk to her she'd make herself busy with something else so he just had to wait it out. Until she was ready to talk to him.
Jay was coming out of the bathroom when he heard Erin getting frustrated, she was trying to feed Lily and for some reason she was having difficulty with it, Lily was unsettled and didn't want a bar of it.
Jay walked up and sat on the coffee table in front of them, "Erin you okay? What's going on?"
"Jay it's nothing, don't worry." She said bluntly.
"Don't do that, it's obviously something and when it involves my daughter I need to know what's going on." Jay said not letting her push him away.
"I don't know what's going on with Lily she doesn't want to nurse and even when she does she seems unsettled, something's not right." Erin said sadly.
"Do you want to pump then? Maybe that will help?" Jay asked.
"Maybe, I will put her down while I go do that." Erin said standing up but Jay grabbed her.
"Er come on I can hold my daughter, I still have one good arm." Jay said offendedly.
"Okay, go on baby girl."
As soon as Lily was in Jays arms she started to relax and calm to Jays warmth. He had missed this, Erin barely let him hold her or anything. He didn't know if she was doing it for punishment or whether she actually thought he'd just get more injured.
After about half an hour Erin come out of the bedroom with tears running down her face, she looked at Jay as she walked over to him and Lily and sat down next to them.
"Hey what's going on Er?" Jay said resting his arm on her leg.
"It's my fault she's not eating and she's like this. I just got off the phone to Nat and explained everything and she thinks because I'm stressed and haven't been eating properly that it's stuffing up my milk supply. She thinks we should try her on formula."
"So it's my fault then?" Jay said angrily.
"What?"
"Well we probably wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for me. You wouldn't be stressed and you'd be eating completely normal. So I'm sorry." Jay said as he resting his mouth on Lily's forehead, why lily traced her fingers around her fathers chest.
"I'm going to go out and get some formula will you be okay?" Erin asked standing up avoiding Jays comment.
"And when you get back we are talking about this, about us. I can't keep going day by day with you acting like this around me. I want you to yell and be angry at me if that's what it takes for you to eventually forgive me for what I done. I can't keep tip toeing around it Er." Jay said before she left.
"Okay then, we will talk when I get back." She nodded and left.
...
Once Erin was back, she fed Lily and put her down for the night. The formula seemed to do the trick, she hated the fact that she got herself to this point, she never wanted this. Never wanted to risk her daughters health because of her actions.
Erin walked to the fridge and grabbed two beers then went and sat next to Jay.
"Your drinking beer?" Jay asked as he put the beer Erin had passed him on the coffee table in front of him.
"And your not? What's the matter Halstead?" Erin said confused.
"On painkillers and antibiotics don't think beer will mix very well." He shrugged.
He watched as Erin took a few long sips of her beer, then she put it down and turned to him, "Why did you hide everything from me Jay? After we promised not to do that anymore?"
"Honestly?" She nodded, "I have no idea, I guess with everything and how we were in such a good place I really didn't want you to be worried."
"Jay we are in this together, always."
"I know and I'm sorry. If I could change how all this happened I would, I shouldn't have lied to you."
"Jay the thing you don't understand is you didn't just lie to me you lied to your daughter, that lie could have cost her growing up with a father. Do you want that? Did you ever stop to think about that? About her? While you were off helping another mans wife and kid?"
Jay stayed quiet while Erin continued, "Two months you have been doing all this behind my back Jay, two months Jay! Were you sleeping with her?"
"God no Erin, I would never do that to you. Never." Jay said leaning down in front of her.
"I don't know what to believe, I don't know if I can trust you anymore." Erin said as he head fell into her hands.
Jays heart broke, he hated that he made her feel like this, he wanted to fix it all but he didn't know how.
"Believe me Erin, believe that I love you, believe that I love that beautiful little girl of ours, that I fucked up big time and I want to do anything I can to make it better." Jay pleaded.
Erin started to break down, the first time she'd really let her feelings show since Jay was hurt, "I nearly lost you, we nearly lost you."
Jay bought her into his chest, he felt his shirt getting wet from her tears and after a couple minutes when he could tell she'd stop crying he pulled back, tucking the loose hair behind her ears, "I love you Erin."
"I love you too Jay, but you need to let me hate you a little right now." She said leaning back into his chest.
Jay let out a quiet chuckle, "I think I can deal with that, I know I promised it already but I won't let anything ever effect us like this again."
"You better not otherwise I will kill you myself." Erin chuckled.
"There she is." Jay said smiling, a little bit of forgiveness was enough for him, but he knew it was only the beginning of her fully letting him back in again.
