Hey everyone! My juices are flowing so I'm trying to get as many updates out as possible, I hope your all still enjoying even though they are going through a pretty rough patch at the moment. But remember it's Linstead, always in need of drama.
It had been a week, a week since they lost their baby. Erin was still shutting Jay out. Jay was trying his hardest to be understandable but it was also a hard time for him, he also lost a son. Erin took a week off work because she had uncomfortable cramping still but she was due to go back, get back to normality.
Erin was still wearing baggy clothes so Jay assumed she still had a bump, he wouldn't know because she barely let him touch her. When he did she would flinch or push him away. She was clingy to Lily would barely let her out of her sight, even when Jay wanted to bath or change her Erin would take over.
Erin came out of Lily's nursery and passed what was going to be the babies room, she sighed heavily and continued walking to the kitchen where Jay was. She watched him make a coffee, he looked sad, he always looked sad and that was her fault but she didn't know what to say to him.
"We have to do something with the baby stuff." Erin said as she placed Lily down and passed her a yoghurt.
"What?" Jay said turning around confused. They barely spoke lately, especially about the baby.
"The babies room, we need to do something with it. I can't walk past it everyday knowing that was where it was meant to come home to." She said bluntly.
Jay shook his head, mumbling under his breath, "He."
"What?"
"He Erin. You keep saying the baby or it. The baby was a boy, he even had a name..."
She held her hand up, "Don't."
Jay put his coffee down and stepped towards her, "Er, you gotta talk to me. Tell me how you feel."
"How I feel? How the hell, do you think I feel Jay. I lost my baby."
"You keep saying your baby like it doesn't affect me. It was our baby Erin, I'm just as sad as you. Well I assume your sad. I wouldn't know because you don't talk to me about it."
Erin sighed and dropped her head, "I'm not doing this right now."
"Okay." Jay nodded, he wasn't going to push.
Erin walked off and Jay was left watching Lily, "Daddy mummy cry's a lot."
He rubbed his head through his girls curls, "Yeah I know Lil bear, she will be okay though."
"When do I get to meet my bwother?" She said happily, so innocently. No idea in the world that her brother wasn't coming into the world.
Jay tried to push back his tears, needing to face reality, "Sweet girl you know how your goldfish got sick and went to heaven?" She nodded, "Well your baby brother got sick in mummy's tummy and he went to heaven."
"Why?"
"I don't know Lil, sometimes these things just happen. That's why mummy and daddy are a little sad because we wanted the baby with us, but some times these things just happen."
"Cuddle?" Lily said reaching her arms up for Jay.
He smiled and lifted her up into his arms, "We got so lucky with you, love you baby girl."
"Wuv you too daddy."
Jay spent the morning tidying up the house then he knew the next step was to start putting the few things they had bought for the baby in boxes. Somewhere that they both couldn't see. He felt like it was happening all over again when he opened the door to the room up, the overwhelming grief made him feel sick. But he had to be strong. Although maybe just for now while he was by himself he could break down a little.
He sunk down and pulled his knees to his chest, letting it all out. He wasn't sure how long it had been but when he pulled himself together he looked up and noticed Erin in the doorway.
"Hey."
"Hey." She said quietly. Sitting down next to Jay.
"Whatcha got there?" Jay asked curious to the package that was in her hand.
"Uh...The mail guy just dropped it off. I ordered it when we decided on the name Jake." She said passing it over.
Jay cleared his throat and unwrapped the parcel, it was a homemade name sign 'Jake William Halstead,' "Its beautiful."
"I'm really sorry Jay."
"What for?"
"Because I don't know how to cope with all this, I'm pushing you away, I can't even look at you because I know how sad I have made you."
He pulled her into his chest, "Babe none of this is on you. It's just a shitty thing that happened. We will get through this, it's going to take time but we will."
"I can't even look at myself in the mirror because I don't want to see what I look like. That I was meant to home our baby boy and I couldn't, I couldn't protect him. I don't know whether to be sad or angry."
"I think it's okay to be both."
"Maybe."
"I told Lily earlier, I know you probably would have wanted to be there but she asked why you had been crying and when she got to meet her baby brother so I explained it to her, sorry."
Erin grabbed Jays hand and squeezed it, "Thankyou. Thankyou for being there even though I was pushing you away."
"You can push as hard as you want Er, I'm not going anywhere."
"How do you feel?" She said lifting up her head to look at him.
"What."
"I haven't once asked how you feel? I have barely spoken to you in the last week." She said feeling guilty.
"Sad. We prepared to make our family of three a family of four. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen it just means it won't happen now. But I'm more hurt that your not talking to me, that's what I'm here for Er. Let me be your punching bag, just please don't push me away."
"I know, I just didn't know how to talk to you." She shrugged.
"Just like this."
