"Quinn the pastor is coming over today." Rachel reminds her as she is busy staring at her laptop, Quinn had taken to working at the house on most days and Rachel hadn't minded seeing her there either. They had been trying to make this work, act normal.
"Today, damn I have to change. What time is our session?"
"1pm, you have time don't worry. Girls text me when you get to school," Rachel says as they leave Peyton nods and Eliza just rolls her eyes. Rachel already knows Peyton will be the only one to text her. She turns back to Quinn Rachel starts to speak but the doorbell goes, and Quinn stands
"Damn I look a mess."
"It's fine it's not pastor Henry." She opens the door, and he smiles. "Oh, pastor I thought we agreed 1."
"I thought we said 9am."
"No I."
"I can go sorry dear." The old man says going to leave.
"No pastor come in but please mind my scruffiness." Quinn interrupts and he laughs.
"You look well dear. America has been good to you." He looks at her and still sees the woman he watched grow up.
"Yeah. It has how are you pastor?"
"I'm well" he says taking a seat at the table as Rachel makes tea. "Getting old now."
"Aren't we all pastor. How's the church?" Quinn asks it had been a long time since Rachel had dragged her to church or to a fundraising event.
"It's the same thanks to your wife, it's still standing every year" she kindly donates to us.
"She is a good woman." Quinn says warmly smiling at Rachel. She was, Rachel would do anything for her church, and she loved and cared for everyone its why her being a lawyer made no sense to Quinn for many years she had wondered how that switch took place. Rachel had been the person who would feed the poor, help the sick but as soon as courtroom doors closed, she was something else. Quinn never saw that side of her until Jamie passed away.
"She has her moments" he jokes and Quinn smiles but it's a sad one. "You're hurting" he says and Quinn nods. "Because of Eliza?"
"Yes, but also because of all of this." Rachel brings over tea/coffee and sits and listens
"Go on Quinn we only have an hour, and you know my rule you talk, and we will find a solution" she nods her head she had come a long way from hiding her feelings and thoughts she trusted Henry and she had told Rachel she would try so now it was time to lay her cards out on the table.
"I lost my son and my wife and then I lost 14 years with my other kid. Its criminal and cold. I had another kid. I could have been in her life instead I've been in pain for 14 years thinking God hated me" she laid out and watched as Rachels jaw dropped.
"What?" Rachel says shocked.
"I thought it was punishment. For us. I thought this was my mistake and I doomed us to being in pain."
"Quinn I. I am so sorry. How could you think that?"
"I kissed you first. I asked you to marry me. I was always the one pushing for more I wanted to have it all. Maybe God didn't want that maybe it was my punishment."
The pastor holds her hand. "God doesn't hate. He loves and guides Quinn you were never a religious woman. What changed?"
"I don't know America. Rachel. I don't know. Life. I needed something to believe in. When I lost everything if I didn't believe I wouldn't be here today." Quinn knows the exact moment everything changed she lost her child and nearly lost her wife.
"I'm glad you found a reason. But I fear it may have caused you more pain. I have spent 14 years pushing Rachel to call you. You coming back and bumping into them in a store is fate. Its destiny god wanted you to find them."
"Why?"
"I don't know only God knows. Maybe to fix your marriage, maybe because Eliza needs you. Are you open to those things?"
"Eliza of course. My marriage I don't know. Look at us. Every time we talk someone cries and were so broken. Some days I want a divorce, other days I just want to go back in time." Rachel smiles sadly because she too understood those feelings.
"I can't give you a time machine, but I can tell you. In all my years marrying people you two are the most in love I have ever seen. You had something special, I'm sorry that losing Jamie ruined that for you. Rachel wipes her eyes, and he smiles softly rubbing her hand. Quinn is there anything else you want to say?"
"Yes, Rachel, I don't hate you, but I don't know how to forgive you for taking away my rights as a parent."
"I" Rachel goes to speak but stops herself.
"Sorry is not going to cut it."
"I know there's nothing I can say I hope time can heal it."
"Rachel it's your turn what would you like to air?"
"Firstly, there is nothing I regret more than keeping her from you. I screwed up and I have no excuses. You are an excellent mother, and I am sorry. Regarding you walking out I'm terrified, you're going to do it again. Get angry and go. Every time you leave, I wonder if I will ever see you again. I also hate the fact I wasn't enough to keep you here. I know Eliza is I see how you look at her and it's like your life has meaning now. But I hate that I wasn't enough. I hate that you didn't love me enough to stay."
Quinn goes to speak but Pastor Henry stops her. "No dear, hear this first."
"I spent months wondering if you left me because I may not be able to give you a child or if you were only staying for Jamie, and you had fallen out of love with me before then and then once he died you left, and it proved it in my mind. I wasn't enough. It was like everything I feared was true."
"Rachel" Quinn starts Pastor Henry goes to stop her, but she persists. "No. I can't have her think that. Rachel, I hope you know it was never you, it was me, I couldn't bare it I failed to protect you both, I never left because of you I left to help you. I thought I was doomed to live a life alone. I couldn't even speak to you; I could barely get out of bed some days I went to work and just stared at the screen doing nothing. Work wasn't helping, home was just horrible memories, and you were going through depression and postpartum I just couldn't handle anything."
"Help me, you left to help me Quinn"
"I know now, it was grief I was broken too I never meant to hurt you or punish you I wanted you to come with me to take us away from here. I didn't know how to ask I didn't know how to even look or speak to you after he" she can't say the words, so she stops.
Pastor Henry steps in as the two sit tears still falling not able to speak. "I think that's enough for today. Try to both take some time alone to think about what the other person has shared. We often can actively listen and understand when we reflect. Quinn, go home to your hotel or where you're staying tonight take time to be alone you work best alone with your thoughts, Rachel, spend some time with you and Eliza make sure you are not alone, cook watch some tv and remember Quinn is here and not going anywhere right Quinn."
She nods "I'm here I'm not leaving either of you."
"Your both still grieving time doesn't solve everything unless its dealt with and that's ok. You can both still be dealing with losing Jamie god rest his soul. Please know you don't have to have all the answers or be okay because we have had this chat this is just the start of the healing process. Quinn are you here now or traveling back anytime soon?"
"I'm here. But I need to go back to close off some things for a few weeks. But I'll be here a few weeks yet. I will be coming back I won't just leave again" she says facing Rachel. He nods.
"Okay" Rachel nods her head. The pastor stands and Rachel does too, walking him out. Once she returns, she sees Quinn sitting with her head in her hands. "Quinn" Rachel says sitting beside her.
"Yeah Rach?"
"Are you okay?"
"Not even remotely. How did we mess each other up this badly?"
"I don't know."
"God if we just got help, we would have been able to." Quinn stops herself because what use is there in thinking about what ifs.
"Do you want some lunch, Quinn?"
"No, I should go."
"Oh okay."
"I do want lunch with you, but I need some time to just I'm going to go for a run and then answer some emails angrily" she laughs, and Rachel nods her head. "I should go as Pastor Henry said. We shouldn't be alone and vulnerable together."
"Yes," Rachel says Quinn leaves not long after and she knows they are making progress. They see each other daily but try not to get intense its light and it needs to be for now. They both need to get used to being around each other without the intense conversations or moments of pain. Time is a healer but not a quick one. 2 weeks pass and Quinn sees Rachel whenever she is with Peyton often Rachel will let them have their time and just be around the house not hidden away but not in the room either. Quinn has invited her in a few times, but Rachel has always politely declined. Their marriage was not the focus although the more time Quinn spent around the house the more, she had to question what they were going to do. Divorce, try again they both went through her head. As Quinn is about to leave one evening, she stops herself at the doorway. Today she was going to speak with Rachel today was the day she had planned it for the past week.
"Rachel," she says at the bottom of the stairs but no answer, so she walks to the office and knocks nothing. "Rach" she said knocking on the bedroom door.
"Yes, sorry Quinn" Rachel answers opening the door to her/their room.
"I'd like to set up another session with Pastor Henry it's been a few weeks we have taken time apart."
"Okay what do you want to discuss is there more on Jamie?"
"No, us what's next what we do."
"Oh, right yes of course, the divorce."
"No maybe I don't know Rachel, but we need to work this out."
"Of course, I can call him and ask that he join us Wednesday I am not in office on that day. Quinn, you mentioned going back to America when will that be?"
"Next month I'm working on a UK project, and it is going to take about 4 more weeks. I love that photo by the way" she says pointing towards one of Rachel holding a baby Eliza.
"Take it, I have a whole album. I made duplicates for you every year here" she says walking to her wardrobe and reaching for them. Quinn breathes out and then takes them tears in her eyes before she has even seen any of them. Quinn spends hours going through them all taking in everything that evening. She looked every evening on Wednesday morning she walks into the house to Pastor Henry and Rachel praying.
"Sorry" she says, and they smile.
"We were just saying a prayer come and sit down. So, ladies today is about you and not Eliza, let's start with something very simple. Have you both been faithful to your marriage?" Rachel nods and so does Quinn. "Then it's time to either fight or let go. It's not healthy to be in between. You both haven't decided if it's over or not so now you must decide."
"You want us to divorce?" Quinn questions immediately confused.
"No dear I want you to reunite but I'm also aware that not all wounds heal. I will support you whatever the choice is. I always have" he tells Quinn who nods.
"How are you feeling Rachel?" he asks, and she stops for a moment.
"Terrified" She answers looking at Quinn frowning.
"Why?"
"Because I'm scared, I'm scared were going to hurt Eliza, I'm scared about how much I love Quinn even after a decade. I'm scared my marriage is over. I'm scared I'm a failure. I'm scared I'll never love anyone like her."
"That's normal but there are consequences for actions. You acted selfishly this is your consequence. You must accept that Quinn has every right to feel how she does."
"I do. I just want her to know that I'm sorry."
"I know you are. I'm sorry for everything I done too." Quinn cuts in and pastor Henry smiles at her.
"Do you want a divorce, Quinn?"
"I don't know. I came back and I did and now I don't know. Did we do everything we could?" There's silence so the pastor steps in.
"I suggest you spend the next few weeks that you are here Quinn co-parenting. Maybe try a week at the house you're renting Rachel tells me its 10 minutes away and a week here. See what works best. You two need some distance from one another. Allow yourselves to be alone and really deal with what a life could be like co-parenting this way. Quinn as you've been here mostly these past 2 weeks I know you have been working here every day, so for the next week parent from the house you're staying in do pick up and drop off work out how you and Eliza work without Rachel. Rachel let her get to know her daughter alone and trust they won't run away from you. Next week we can chat again. She will bring her back Rachel." Pastor Henry stands to signal it's time for him to go Rachel sees him out and watches as Quinn falls onto the couch.
"He is still as lovely and strict as ever. Guess we have our marching orders."
"Yeah, he missed you Quinn, he told me for years just to find you be happy again, I told him our time was up and that God obviously wanted something different for us."
"I don't think we can blame God for our stupid and selfish ways. We were too stubborn and scared that's what ruined us, Rachel."
"Yeah, your probably right. How do you want to do this?"
"I can take Eliza after school, and she will stay with me all week and then bring her back on Sunday. I am only 10 minutes' drive away so she can still meet Peyton each morning. God, forbid I stop that I would be the wicked mother of the west."
"You would indeed, okay well just let me know if you need anything and I'll explain before you come over to Eliza."
"Great" Quinn says standing she knows she should leave but it was hard when she had been enjoying staying on the sofa or being here till she just had to sleep. The week drags for Quinn she spends her days wishing she had things to do when Eliza is at school, remote working was fine but she was having a lull in her project and she began wondering if she will ever get to know her daughter better at this age Eliza was wonderful but she wanted to be out with her friends or on her phone and Quinn's hour with her was just that still an hour. Her phone rings dragging her out of her thoughts.
