It's a dance of awkwardness. We die; fight as demon and archangel; then resurrect and adjust once again as warriors. But adjusting as people and friends is a bit different, especially when we aren't alone. Definitely when I have Joxer staring at me every five seconds like Aphrodite's hit him with a spell.
The closer to Greece we get, the colder the air seems to grow. We walk near each other, but not necessarily next to each other, the space makes the cold seem so much worse. Something between us hasn't been settled yet, I'm not sure what that is.
I tousle my short hair, trying to jostle my thoughts into place. Maybe if Joxer and Amarice weren't here? Maybe I should get her alone, force her to talk to me? You can't force Xena to do anything though. I'll have to wait till we make camp before I'll get a chance to really talk to her. Of course that's also when Joxer tends to make his presence more notably known and I'll have to distract him somehow. Speeding my steps up, I move in close to Amarice.
"Hey?!" She looks at me in bewilderment. Clearing my throat I lean in, talking under my breath.
"I need you to do me a favor." Her eyebrows are still raised but she's curious.
"What?"
"When we make camp, I need you to keep Joxer off my hands for a little while." Her eyebrows fall, now she just looks annoyed.
"How do you expect me to do that?" She's trying to yank her arm out of my hand, but I hold firm.
"Look Amarice, I need some time to talk with Xena, and I can't do that with Joxer following me around." It's as if a sudden realization hits her and she looks somewhat ashamed.
"Oh, uh, yeah. I'll figure something out." Amarice nods her head at me, suddenly serious. Giving her a smile, I pat her arm before falling back to my place by Xena.
The rest of the day passes as all others have lately. A few words, a few laughs, but nothing of substance, nothing that feels natural. I'm getting anxious, trying to figure out exactly what I'm going to say to Xena because I really don't know yet.
When we finally stop to make camp, Xena and I set up two separate fires. Amarice makes good on her word, directing Joxer to help her gather more wood.
"Can we talk?" Xena tries to act like she's more interested in going through her saddle bag.
"Don't you want to eat?" Her eyes are scanning the ground for tracks as she heads into the trees.
"Xena, please?" I'm tired of the way things are stuck. How can we know we will be together for eternity but have such a hard time connecting right now? She sighs, shoulders dropping, but still she doesn't turn to face me. '"Xena." I reach out, my fingertips barely brush across her shoulder.
'When we fought in heaven, my only thought was of being with you again.' Xena says quietly.
"I felt the same." Of course I felt the same way. My hand drops to my side, fingers curling up. I'm suddenly wondering what I've done wrong. Xena finally turns, eye's full of hurt but no tears to wash it away.
"I saved you but you were going to kill me." Why had that never crossed my mind? "You never belonged there of course. If they hadn't let me become an Archangel I would have jumped." As if an afterthought. "I did jump."
"What do you mean you jumped?" I want to move closer but I can sense she doesn't want that yet. Xena looks at me intensely.
"I wasn't going to leave you there by yourself." There's a hint of anger in her words. I rake my fingers roughly through my hair. So it's me and I never even realized it. "I don't blame you." She says again, her voice soft once more as she takes a step towards me. But I don't believe her now. "You did what you had to do."
"I'm….I'm so sorry." I manage to look up at her, but it's hard to accept the pain that I've caused. She shakes her head at me.
"I don't blame you." She repeats, moving up so she's nearly against me. "I would never have wanted that, but that you would so easily fight me instead….." I reach my hand up to touch her face but she shakes it away.
"You feel betrayed." Xena looks away, but says nothing. That's an answer in itself. "Xena?" What can I possibly say or do?
"Don't worry about it, it's crazy I know." She turns back to me, trying to act as if nothing has happened.
"No Xena, I mean it, I'm sorry." I had no choice, she was too strong. I struggle with myself for a second before finally grasping her arms. We lock eyes, having a silent conversation that's somehow conveying things we can't seem to speak. Letting go we break apart, walking towards the small river and standing on its bank. The birds are still singing and warbling in the tree's, keeping the forest alive with noise.
"How about fish?" Xena asks after a while. The sun is beginning to go down and I don't think the others would be too happy if we got back without something to eat. I nod as she wades out into the water and within minutes she's gotten more than enough fish for all of us.
I can't seem to find the right words, the ones that will make everything alright again. As we walk back to camp, she's trying to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about; but if that were true then there wouldn't have been a gap between us this whole time.
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Everyone talks around me as we sit at the campfire picking at our fish. It's a din of noise that I just don't feel a part of. I'm stuck in my own brain, locked in a battle with myself. Amarice tries to bring me into the discussion, but I can't seem to focus. I need to get away from everyone, sort out my thoughts and figure out how I'm going to fix this; because I am. Why is it that the one thing I always seem to do is to betray her, the one thing that hurts her most. Dropping my plate I walk away from everyone without saying a word. I hear Joxer calling out to me,but I'm in no mood to be nice to him right now. My feet are moving but I'm not really paying attention to where they are taking me. I just walk until I can't seem to walk anymore. The night is clear but the stars don't shine through the canopy of trees. I stand, hugging myself to keep whatever warmth I have in.
"You know sulking doesn't help."
"I'm not sulking."
"What would you call it?" Xena stands behind me, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders.
"Contemplation." Her hand comes to rest on my arm.
"I told you, I never expected you to do anything but what was necessary."
"But you hurt."
"I don't know what it is I feel." Xena pulls me back against her body, arms wrapping around me. "There have been a lot of feelings and I can't decide what to do with them all." I think I know what she's talking about. That moment when I was cleansed and became an archangel I suddenly knew and felt things I would never have known otherwise. That's how I knew we would be together for eternity, no matter what. That's why I didn't join her in hell. Something told me that no matter what, we would be together.
"Xena, I knew we would be together." Her chin comes to rest on my shoulder.
"I know, I felt it too." What is it that she doesn't want to say? "They showed me all the possibilities, for me and for you. The good and the bad and…" Xena's voice has gone to a whisper, as her arms hold me tighter. I know how to play the game of possibilities and what ifs. It's too easy to get lost in that labyrinth.
"Why are you going to let it torture you? Why are you going to let it torture me?" I turn into Xena, looking into her eyes. "You're trying to push a wedge between us." I grab her hands in mine as she sighs.
"I just don't want to be the one that takes you down the wrong path." Xena's eyes contain such depth, a pool of compassion that I can get lost in.
"Isn't it too late for that?" I've died how many times? Xena doesn't find comfort in this. "Come on Xena, I have a right to make my own decisions. If I choose to let you be my downfall then so be it." I smile. "And what exactly did you say to Joxer to make him tell me that?" Now she smiles.
"Wasn't me."
"Somehow I don't believe that." I lean into her, my head falling against her chest. We huddle together in silence, keeping each other warm in the consuming darkness. The night isn't really silent, not with singing bugs and calling predators. The movement never really seems to stop, there's always something.
"I need you to drop the wall." I say as I pull away from her slightly, watching as she looks at me confused. "That wall you put up. It's still there." Recognition flashes across her face briefly. "Please?" Slowly, Xena sucks in a lungful of air before letting it out in a long sigh. "Xena, please." My hand moves slowly towards her cheek where my fingers touch it lightly. This time she doesn't flinch away. Her eyes reflect everything that I've been feeling since we got back; like someone is repeatedly stabbing me in the chest.
There are no words to describe what it's like to experience heaven and hell; and to be an archangel, the most pure form of angel. The things I felt didn't go away when Eli brought us back. It made a small part of me sad, a deep loss that I only continue to feel with Xena's love I now feel for her is even deeper than before, unlike anything anyone has ever described. So even if she were to hurt me a million times over, I could never leave her. Xena looks scared, something I've never really seen; but more than that she's scared of me. I bring my other hand up, clasping the other side of her face and bringing her forehead down to mine. Our eyes close as I try to push a sense of serenity from my body into hers.
"I'm supposed to be the strong one." Her voice is near silent.
"You know it's the strongest who ask for help." She scoffs at me.
"I hate when you use my words against me." I caress her cheek and laugh.
"Xena, you're not a warlord anymore. You're not a conqueror or killer. You are so much more than your past." We separate, looking into each other's eyes.
"I'm only who I am now, because of you." She says this so much, yet never gives credit to herself.
"I may have helped, but it wasn't just me, or Hercules for that matter." Xena doesn't seem to realize that she'll never outrun her past. But for the moment I refuse to argue with her about it. I won't give her a reason to push me away.
"Gabrielle.." Xena begins, but I stop her before she can go anywhere.
"You know it still hurts." I play with the palm of my hand where the nail was driven. I can't forget that pain, no matter how much I want to. Xena brings my palm to her lips, kissing it as if that will make it all go away.
"Come on, let's go get warm." I follow Xena back to our fire, which has dwindled to nearly nothing. She builds it up higher, as I lay the bedroll out. We lie down, my body clinging to hers as she piles the furs on top of us. I take comfort in the familiarity of this little act that can so easily be taken for granted. She smells the same as always; a combination of leather, sweat, soap, and horse. For some reason I like it, it seems uniquely Xena.
She has her breastplate and weapons off, lying down just next to her; ready for a fight should one come. I can feel what she's thinking. Her body is still tense despite the calm demeanor she is exuding. My fingers dance on the back of her hand she has resting on her stomach.
"I love you." That should explain everything. I shouldn't have to speak any more words beyond those three, that should be it.
"I know." An answer that says what? Confusion? Uncertainty? "Gabrielle.." I lean up and kiss her, effectively telling her to shut up. It instantly turns into more than just a kiss as she pulls my body to hers and her tongue thrusts its way inside my mouth. This is the first time we've actually kissed since Eli brought us back. I didn't realize how much I really needed this simple act. Our desire turns frenzied as we feel all those things we used to have but seem to have forgotten in the last few days. Tears sting at my eyes, but I'm not sure why. I guess it's all the emotions I haven't been able to process yet. Pushing my body against her, I deepen the kiss till neither of us can breathe anymore.
We pull away gasping after an eternity. My head falls to her shoulder as I renew my grasp on her body. Now is not the time or place to find each other in that way. I still feel the desperation though, clawing its way through my bones.
"I love you too." She finally says, not that I needed her to say anything. The tension begins to release as she relaxes under me. I wonder what other things she saw in heaven and hell. Or maybe that's not it at all, maybe it's something else I'm not getting.
"Will there ever be a time of peace?" I ask.
"No. Even if there were no more God's, man would fight for the sake of fighting. That's why people like us will always be needed." But really, I'm asking if there will be peace for us.
