This is Orbis. Here, the Roman nations are always a superpower.
Ah, the deserts of the Mexican States. There's nothing like them...
Here, the blacktop highways run long and far. On hot days, they generate their own heat...made possible by how often the desert sun doesn't forgive.
It seems strange that the highway patrol would want to work on days like today. Alas, these are the perfect highways to corner speeders. So, they do. And they wear khakis, to keep themselves from overheating on the job.
On the side of the highway, a car's been stopped. It's a earth-red SUV. Behind it, a cop car sits parked. It's hot pink, and flashes roof lights.
Up the road, a bunch of motorcycles drive by. They all give the cop car a volley...of flipped birds...as they drive past.
In the driver seat of the SUV, Julio Richter trembles, while awaiting judgment. It shouldn't be too bad. He is, after all, a Latino driving around on Orbis.
Alas, he's also a mutant. Even on Orbis, a lot of cops hate mutants...
Impatiently, Julio waits. His scalp itches. He scratches it a lot. Damn, he hates it when his scalp itches...
Around him, the earth rumbles. Feels like there's an earthquake coming on.
As the cop checks Julio's license and registration, she seems paranoid, as the quake comes along. At last, Julio notices...and realizes he's responsible. He shakes his head, and calms himself...
Sure enough, the quake slows to a stop. Outside, the cop seems relieved. So does Julio.
The patrolman who pulled him over looks a lot like Eva Mendes...specifically Monica Fuentes from Fast and Furious. It takes her a while, but she finally gives back his license and registration.
She makes a disgusted face when she sees him. O shit, Julio thinks, I'm busted...
"That much hair too long," she tells him. "You need haircut, pronto!"
Julio sighs. He just HATES having to live for this...
He waits for Agent Fuentes to drive on. Once she does, he waits. When he's sure no one will come along too soon, he starts his way back up the highway.
Ray Stevens, he's going to hate this...
This is San Bernadino...on Orbis. Here, it's a Route 66 town. (Route 66 runs a different way here, but we'll get to that later...if we have to.) The point is, this town really loves its fashion. And it loves its tourism.
Despite this, it's hardly a big city. It's not big at all. Here, in some spots, Jehovah is still very popular.
Julio can't relate. When you're used to having the powers of an earth god, it's hard to appreciate the alleged powers of an imaginary dictator.
Julio can't imagine why anyone would WANT a dictator in their lives. Christians CLEARLY don't know what it's like to be at war with Mr. Sinister or Apocalypse...
At last, Julio finds a place. It's not too far from the town's limits. It calls itself the Kitty Kat Beauty Salon. Sculptures of wolves and cats stand everywhere. Plastic flamingos stand staked into flower pots...in pink petunias.
Inside, the barber chair is cloth-upholstered, and leopard-patterned. The barber has paid very well to have the chair ARTIFICIALLY patterned, just so she can trust that an actual leopard wasn't used in the chair's making.
On the walls, pictures of wolves and wild cats hang. One is of a red spider monkey.
Near the door, a gong hangs. There's a sign that says, HAMMER FOR SERVICE.
At this, Julio snickers, takes up the mallet, and does as he's been told...by a sign. He just...wouldn't be so eager to ring the gong if he'd known about the recoil...and not to mention the noise.
The noise rattles the boutique. Bottles fall off tables, and smash. Bandannas come undone from their head-mannequins.
It doesn't stop after a while. So, Julio uses his mutant power to calm the earthquake. He's surprised at how long it doesn't take to calm.
Nonetheless, he's rung the bell. So, he sits in the barber chair, and waits.
A Latina barber attends to him. She's a brunette. Her fingernails look like claws. Julio bets she doesn't polish them much...
She's...also in an orange bikini. Or rather, the bra's orange; the panties are white. This discomforts Julio a little... Alas, he'd be lying if he said he didn't want this...
A shirt hangs from a hangar nearby. The barber puts it on, over her bikini. It says the words, REAL HE-MUTANTS DON'T CONTROL THE EARTH in big sky-blue letters.
Crap; if this haircut wasn't so bad before, it just became that way.
Alas, what happens next is enough to frighten the pee out of Julio. If he wasn't a mutant himself, he'd be more scared. The barber, Ms. Callasantos, transforms into a lupine creature with a prehensile tail. She's got orange and white fur; hence the color of her bikini.
Now, she humps her back, leaps through the air, and lands on top of Julio, in the chair. The chair rears back for his reaction to her.
Above, she bathes his face. Once she has, she bares her fangs, and narrows her eyes. She seems VERY fierce...and she is. She's a fucking military mutant, fo sho.
"What," she sneers, "do you demand, my...VERY fine gopher?"
Shit; she probably knows he's an earth-controlling mutant... And it still hasn't even started easing Julio that she's still wearing that shirt. He'd like to think, though, that she plans to put it on him before he leaves... Alas, she'll probably take his in exchange...
Julio needs not feel bad about the predicament he's in. It can't be helped. He's just a simple mutant. He controls his simple earth, and protects his simple homefolk. Alas, she probably won't settle for the truth if he tells it. So, he improvises.
"I hunt javelinas," he says. "They like to herd at night, on farmer's lands. I hunt them with a lever-action rifle, because hunting them with an HK416 is illegal if you're a civilian. Later on, I roast them over hot coals. I stick candy apples in their mouths, because, quite frankly," he stammers, "normal apples don't do it for me."
She smiles, and purrs. "Ah, well," she caresses his too-long hair with her prehensile tail. "Looks like you're going to be one of my easiest customers yet! I hope you like it when the girls wag their asses in your face!"
With that, she leaps straight up...and does an about-face right before she lands. With her tail, she gets to work rubbing his head in fast-motion. Julio isn't sure how she does it...but like a cat that can't stop rubbing on a man, she rubs his head as bald as a Thanksgiving turkey.
On the downside, by the time Julio leaves that crazy lupine's boutique, his hair is gone. On the upside, at least she DID switch shirts with him. It just...seems rather unfortunate that now he's wearing a shirt that says REAL HE-MUTANTS DON'T CONTROL THE EARTH.
