Draco had been standing outside his office for only a few seconds when Severus came sweeping up the corridor to unlock the door with a tap of his wand. He gestured for Draco to go inside, and then seated himself behind his desk, expression friendlier than it had been in weeks.
"What's happened?" Severus asked.
"Is your class okay?" Draco asked, glancing back at the office door.
"Theory lesson. They should be more than capable of finishing without me," Severus said. "I won't be missed."
Draco nodded jerkily and said, "Imperius lesson in Defence."
"Ah." Severus considered him, eyes a little sharper now. "You struggled?"
"No," Draco said. "No, actually, getting rid of it was easy. Occlumency to keep it from taking root-" Unlike Severus' probes, the curse had seemed to wrap around his whole mind, rather than just push at a particular place, but it had only been a matter of spreading his defences wider. "-and then Black said to pretend I was you, so I let enough of the curse in to let myself do what you'd do and get rid of it completely."
Severus, whose face had twitched with something - annoyance, perhaps, or exasperation - when Draco mentioned Black's instructions, frowned.
"I'm flattered you think I can simply get rid of an Imperius curse, but I regret to inform you that even I have to fight them. Admittedly Occlumency - as you've said - keeps it from taking root while I do that, but I've never known it to be as simple as what you've described." His frown turned thoughtful. "Sometimes the Imperius curse does that, allows people to act in ways they shouldn't be able to because under it they have complete conviction, but even so, what you've described is… impressive."
Draco grinned before he could stop himself; praise from Severus was rare, even when they were on good terms. Severus' expression smoothed into something blank, but then he blinked and offered Draco a tiny smile before sobering.
"But I don't think that's why you're here."
"It's not. Not exactly." Draco swallowed. "The- when Black cast the curse, it was familiar." Severus went very still. "The way it felt, all… how it made me light-headed. Black's was different, not as subtle, but it was still… Father used it. Last Christmas. He used it to make me tell him the truth about why I freed Dobby, and I didn't realise what it was, I just listened and… Father used it."
There was pity on Severus' face, and a few other, subtler things; a bit of anger, and something calculating.
"Has he used it at any other time?" Severus asked.
"No," Draco said. "No, that was the only time."
"You're certain?"
"Yes." Severus offered him no apology on Father's behalf, no words to justify his behavior, or to condemn it. Draco surprised himself by not minding. It was enough to have Severus know.
"So it isn't to blame for your sudden change in allegiance over the summer?"
"No." Draco was instantly wary; he smoothed his expression - Severus did the same - and checked his Occlumency was in place. "Mother and Father presented the options to me, of course, but the choice was entirely mine. And it was an easy one," he added.
"And remind me again what exactly your choice was?" Severus folded his hands and rested his chin on them, studying Draco with dark eyes. Draco tensed, but there was no probe of Legillimency, just Severus' scrutiny.
"To be a spy," Draco said, as calmly as he could. "You know that." Both truths; Severus was looking for something, but if it was a lie he wouldn't find it.
"I do," he said. "Though which side has your loyalty remains to be seen." It wasn't an accusation, but rather a statement, and one said so casually that Draco's insides turned to ice. He kept his face clear.
"I'd have thought it obvious which side has my loyalty," Draco said, taking care to inject just the right amount of disdain into his tone. It wasn't a lie.
"Perhaps it is," Severus said, still calm and casual. Draco had missed him being like this - he'd been so on edge of late, so unpredictable -though he wished Severus had picked another time, and another conversation to remember himself during.
"I ought to…" Draco rose, gesturing to the door. "Thank you for speaking with me, I-"
"Sit," Severus said. "We're about to have a difficult and uncomfortable conversation." Draco stayed where he was, uncertain. "Sit," Severus said, as he himself moved over to the cabinet built into the base of one of the many shelves of ingredients on the walls of his office. He bent and pulled out a pensieve, the one he'd always used with Draco, then returned and set it on the desk between them.
"What's the conversation about?" Draco asked.
"Loyalty," Severus said, prodding the pensieve's swirling contents with his wand. Out of its depths, Severus' voice came: "Do not pretend you wish to spy to please the Dark Lord, Draco. You've yet to meet him. Any loyalty you feel toward him is second-hand, impressed upon you by your father or myself-"
"But I know what he stands for." Draco recognised his own voice, sounding far more confident than he remembered feeling during the actual conversation. "And I know what the world he hopes to create looks like. That's more than enough of an incentive, I think, at least to start with. And once I do meet the Dark Lord… if he's like everyone says, then I expect maintaining my choice will be easy."
Then:
"... don't compare me to Wormtail." Draco's voice again, this time with a bit of bite to it. Severus withdrew his wand, and the pensieve quietened. Draco gave Severus an uncertain look.
"That convinced me more than anything Dumbledore had to say," Severus said, into the silence that followed.
"What did Dumbledore have to say?" Draco asked sharply, and felt a momentary stab of betrayal; had Weasley said something? He was the only one that aside from Draco, and Draco certainly hadn't been discussing his loyalties with the Headmaster-
"That Potter's not worried about you." Severus sneered. Draco felt immediate relief that Dumbledore didn't actually know anything for certain, then - how could he, when Potter himself didn't? - and then guilty for doubting Weasley, even for a moment. Then, a surge of fondness for Potter, for trusting him, for not doubting him - not even to Dumbledore - even after Draco had taken his memories.
"My time as a spy would be short lived if he was," Draco pointed out, keeping his voice even.
"You're self-aware," Severus said. "Wormtail's certainly not done anything I'd consider worth aspiring to, but there's no denying the role he played in the war is similar to the path you've set for yourself." Severus tilted his head, ever so slightly, considering. "You must know that."
"I'm aware some would view it that way, yes," Draco said, stiffly.
A slight smile appeared on Severus' face.
"And yet," he murmured, "you do not see the comparison as uncomfortable, or undesirable, but rather, insulting. Why?" The question was sharp, Severus' eyes sharper.
"Like you said," Draco said with disdain, "Wormtail's hardly anything to aspire to."
"But what other example do you have?"
There was a beat of silence, then:
"You," Draco said. He was too confused - was this a trick question, somehow? - to sound properly scathing. Severus blinked, as if genuinely surprised by Draco's answer. Then:
"Yes," Severus said slowly. "I suppose my example is a better one than Wormtail's. Following it will not be an easy thing, however."
"I already am," Draco said, as casually as he could. "It's not too bad, so far."
"Are you?" Severus asked silkily.
"Yes," Draco said.
"Lie," Severus said softly, and Draco felt ill, because it was. "Or at least, you believe it to be. I think our loyalties are far more aligned than you know."
"I- I'm afraid I don't understand, sir," Draco said.
"I'll be blunt, then," Severus said. "If you believe my loyalties lie with the Dark Lord, you are mistaken." It was some sort of test; it had to be. "And I suspect I have been mistaken in believing yours had shifted there also. I suspect yours lie where mine do."
"Where might that be?" Draco asked coldly.
"With Dumbledore," Severus said. It was masterfully done, the words delivered after a slight pause, after a small, bracing breath in, as if to make Draco believe he was nervous about saying so. His voice was soft, and almost surprised, as if he was saying the words aloud for the first time, and his expression appeared about as open as Draco had ever known it. Nothing about the delivery made Draco think it was a lie, but this was Severus, who had taught Draco to lie, Severus who was a master, Severus, who was no doubt testing him on Father's behalf, or on behalf of the Dark Lord.
"You're the one that's mistaken," Draco said, tone still cold "if you think I've given my loyalty to Dumbledore." He didn't appreciate Severus doing this to him, had thought Severus would look out for him as he had in previous years. Draco didn't hold it against him - one did not disobey the Dark Lord - but he would certainly remember it, remember that everything - even Draco - came second to the Dark Lord in Severus' mind.
"No?" Severus asked.
"No," Draco said firmly. It wasn't a lie; certainly Dumbledore was a better option than the Dark Lord, but Potter was better than both of them. Potter followed Dumbledore, of course, but if Potter turned away from him tomorrow, decided to follow someone else, or decided to lead, he'd still have Draco.
"I had thought…" Severus looked incredibly nervous - by his standards, anyway. "I was certain… and Potter…"
"Well, you thought wrong," Draco said. He got to his feet. "You can assure my father, or the Dark Lord - or whoever it is you're reporting to - of my loyalty."
"I report to Dumbledore," Severus said, face grey, and with a bleak sort of resignation in his voice. "I wasn't lying about that." He wasn't, at least as far as Draco could tell. Draco stood still on his side of the desk, sure it was a trap, but not able to understand the design of it just yet.
"Why would you be loyal to Dumbledore?" Draco asked, folding his arms.
"Truthfully? There was a woman," Severus said. Draco couldn't hide his surprise; he'd expected something about power, or leadership, or kindness, or something. "I… we were on opposite sides of the war, but I still... we were… friends." Draco struggled to imagine Severus with a friend. Oddly, it was Black that came to mind, but they could hardly stand each other, so it was strange that he'd thought of him. "I heard the Dark Lord had his sights on her, and, though I had requested she be spared, I didn't trust him. I approached Dumbledore, and offered my loyalty in return for her protection."
"And he protected her?"
"He tried," Severus said. The words hung heavy in the office.
"So the Dark Lord-"
"Killed her," Severus said, eyes distant, and grieving. It dawned on Draco that maybe the woman had been a bit more to Severus than a friend, and his mind boggled, trying to wrap itself around the idea of his godfather with a partner, or a lover. "I- it was not a good time. I was- I don't know what I would have done, where I would have ended up, but Dumbledore pointed out that while I had lost her, her… reason for fighting - the… cause... she died defending - lived on. I had a purpose again. It has not always been easy with Dumbledore, but the trust of necessity he afforded me when I first approached him has grown over the years into a complete and genuine trust. It is not something I wish to throw away."
Draco considered it. He knew Severus had found himself a way in to Dumbledore's circle of course, but never how. And he'd certainly never thought Severus might not be loyal to the Dark Lord, had always assumed anything he did to help Potter or Black was to keep his cover with Dumbledore.
"I've never heard any of this," Draco said, not knowing what else to say.
"Of course not," Severus said. "If you had, it would mean what I've just told you is common knowledge, and I assure you, it most certainly is not."
"I don't know whether to believe you or not," Draco said, after several long moments. "I- you're a spy, perhaps for the Dark Lord, perhaps for Dumbledore…. either way you're good at convincing people of your loyalty. This could be a test, for either side-"
"How can I convince you it's not?" Draco didn't know if the edge of desperation in Severus' voice was deliberate or not. Draco didn't know anything anymore. "I have memories, to back up my story-"
"Memories can be faked," Draco said. "Or tampered with."
"Then perhaps…" Severus looked uncertain. "Perhaps… you can simply trust me, as you have in the past."
"I want to," Draco said, swallowing. "But I don't know if I can afford to."
"Perhaps… perhaps this, then…" Severus drew a memory from his own head, and let it drop from the tip of his wand and into the pensieve.
Severus' voice echoed out of it: "... why are muggleborns different?" Severus' tone was curt, unimpressed, and yet gentle and patient in a way that was both forced and genuine, as if he was humouring whoever he was with. It was the sort of tone Draco would imagine him taking with children, except Draco knew better; he had never heard Severus sound that way, not even with Slytherin first years.
And yet, it was a child that spoke back - a boy, Draco thought - with a high voice, and the polished, rather snotty tone of a pureblood:
"They have filthy bl-"
"If you finish that sentence," Severus snarled, "I will force you to sample every potions ingredient as you rearrange them the next time you visit me." Draco gaped at the pensieve, because that part, he remembered, which meant- Merlin, he sounded so young, and so… bratty. So proper. He considered himself fairly proper even now, but it was clear, comparing this memory of Severus' with the one that they'd listened to before, that Weasley and Potter and Granger had all crept into his voice, softening the crispness of a word here, altering his pronunciation there… His younger self - would he have been eight here, or nine? - would have been properly horrified by the little touches of 'commoner' that adorned Draco's voice now.
"But they d-"
"My stores contain sloth brains, and acromantula venom, and powdered troll toenails," Severus' voice continued, and Draco chuckled. Severus' mouth twitched, and the two of them stood there in shared amusement, while the pensieve's sound paused - a pause, where, surely Severus would have been glaring at Draco's younger self. "Come here."
"I didn't say it-" Memory Draco's voice was shrill with panic, and so, so young. "I stopped-"
"Now. Give me your hand."
"What-"
"Sectum." Young-Draco yelped while Severus repeated the spell, and Draco remembered this part too. He looked down at the scar Severus had left him with that day, a thin white line across his palm.
"Oww. You cut me!"
"My mother came from a pureblood line as impressive as your own." Severus sounded impatient. "My father was a muggle. According to your theory, I should have filthy blood. Does my blood look filthy to you?"
"N-no." Young-Draco sounded close to tears.
"Is mine perhaps darker? Is it brown, like mud? Does yours glitter like liquefied rubies in contrast?" Draco hadn't heard it then, had probably been too sore and confused and young, but along with the sarcasm and frustration, there was an almost teasing edge to Severus' voice.
"N-no."
"I will ask you again. What, given your recent… enlightenment, makes us - the supposedly proper wizarding stock - so superior to muggleborns?"
"We know about magic." Young-Draco's voice was tiny. "They don't think to use their wands for simple tasks like we do, and they don't know any spells before they go to school-"
"You know spells now, then?"
"I know a few." Draco sounded distinctly defensive this time. "I don't have my wand yet, so-"
"So your proper magical education has not yet begun. And I daresay it will not begin, until you step off the Hogwarts Express for the first time."
"I guess." Sulky now, and a bit confused. "Is it how powerful they are? We've had magic longer, so-"
"I have known powerful witches and wizards of all heritage."
"Looks then."
"You can tell heritage with a look?" Severus' voice was mocking. Knowing him as he did now, and familiar as he was with the slight nuances of his godfather's tone, he suspected Severus had actually quite enjoyed himself. "Then I commend you on your acting ability; you seemed genuinely surprised when I revealed the truth about my father."
"Then what's the difference?"
"You haven't worked it out?" This time, Draco suspected it was he who as glaring during the pause. "The difference, Draco, between a muggleborn and a pureblood, is that one has magical parents, and the other does not."
"That- no, that doesn't count!"
"Then I suppose it's nothing."
"Nothing? But- if they're not different, then what's the problem with them?" Draco's younger self sounded outraged, and Draco chuckled again, more out of embarrassment than anything else. What would Granger have said, if she'd met Draco back then? How had Potter - who had already met Draco at that point - not hexed him every time he opened his mouth?
"Who says there is one?"
"You don't think there is?"
"I don't think my opinion matters. You should be free to reach your own conclusion on the matter."
"Then why-"
"Because, Draco, in order to reach a conclusion, one must have all of the information, not merely one side of it." Another pause, this one decidedly thoughtful. "Are you ready to go home?"
The pensieve's surface quivered and quietened.
"Do you remember that?" Severus asked quietly.
"Only vaguely," Draco said. "The scar, obviously, and what point you were making when you gave it to me. The rest… I remember myself in a better light than I appear to deserve." He chuckled the same embarrassed chuckle as before, and Severus smirked. "I imagine my younger self would be horrified if he could see me now, but I'm horrified to look back at myself like that, so…"
"'That' being trying to justify the inferiority of muggleborns?" Draco glanced at the scar on his palm, then curled his fingers over it.
"It seems an odd lesson for a Death Eater to give another Death Eater's son," Draco said quietly.
"Quite," Severus said, and the look he gave Draco was both searching and hopeful. "But perhaps not a strange one for a former Death Eater to give a Death Eater's son, especially if he was hoping to stop him from following the same path as his Death Eater father…"
"Better for him to follow his godfather instead, then?" Draco asked, holding back a small smile. "Following the cause a woman he cared for died for, and Dumbledore?"
"That was the path," Severus said carefully, "but, while Dumbledore has my trust, and I will always care for her memory. But, in more recent years, another factor has come to replace them as the primary driver for my allegiance." He gave Draco a significant look. "You can imagine I was quite displeased when that driver suddenly announced his allegiance to the Dark Lord, and I realised I'd have little choice but to follow."
"I- yes, that would have been unfortunate," Draco said. Severus gave a curt nod, arms folded. They watched each other for a few long moments.
"So where does this leave us?" he asked. "Do you intend to leave here and inform the Dark Lord of my betrayal? Or was I right earlier, when I suggested you might be loyal to Dumbledore, as I am?"
"I'm not loyal to Dumbledore," Draco said, just to see Severus' face fall, to confirm this was real. It did, and Draco let a little smile show. "But I'd say we're aligned nonetheless. Regardless, I won't be turning you over to the Dark Lord, or his followers."
"If you do not stand with the Dark Lord, you must stand with Dumbledore…" Draco did not often see Severus look lost. "Who else- Potter." He grunted the name, but managed to sound incredulous as well. "It is, isn't it?" Draco met his stare evenly. "Typical." Severus sounded somewhat resigned, but not particularly impressed. "Does he know that?"
"He knows he can trust me," Draco replied. "That's all he needs to know."
"A wise decision." Severus steepled his fingers. "How has your Occlumency come along? Have you kept it up?"
"Yes, actually," Draco said, a little bitingly. He'd made a lot of progress in the last few months, no thanks to Severus.
"We ought to resume your lessons."
"I wasn't the one that ended them," Draco muttered.
"It would not have been a good idea, with perceived circumstances as they were," Severus said. "But now it is imperative. Your safety depends on your ability to keep the Dark Lord out-" He sounded a little anxious about that. "-and it is not an easy thing to do."
"Then we'd better make sure I'm ready," Draco said, swallowing. "Because after this conversation, yours does too."
